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What Should I Do?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ATI, Nov 14, 2019.

  1. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    DH and I had a long talk about it... I was waiting for a chance to bring up the topic and it came up when he was booking their tickets.

    the talk started because DH was saying this year ILs will come for 8 months to attend a family function and then they want to stay till Diwali. Then he said they will spend 3 months at BIL and 5 months at our place. When I asked why 5 months here he said festival season is better here because I do a lot of things and ILs prefer to do festivals with me! Never thought I would be punished like this for celebrating festivals (I know I shouldn’t say that about festivals but MIL always used to fight with me because I like to celebrate festivals a certain way and she would claim her family didn’t do it that way. And she would try to undermine everything I did). Anyway, I told DH clearly that I can’t have other people living with us for more than 6 months a year and we should be fair and split that time 3months for his parents and 3 months for mine. He was angry and told me I was preventing him from caring for his parents the way he wants to. He did the whole my parents are old and have a few years left and I can’t take care of them because of you blaming routine. I was super calm through it and told him he can do whatever he wants as long as it doesn’t affect me. When it affects me I will draw the line and I can’t do more than 3 months.

    Dh also tried to pick a fight with me about why my parents don’t stay with my bro ( that’s a whole story ; bro is unmarried and has lots of issues with parents so doesn’t talk to them much). I told him my parents relationship with my bro is none of his business. As long as I am giving an even split to his parents and mine that should be all we talk about. Frankly I don’t know how he can equate his parents and mine. My parents treat DH so well and do whatever he wants even before he asks for it. DH wants me to forget everything ILs did and pretend they are good to me. ILs can’t even go 1 week without a fight in the house .

    DH is very unhappy now . I worry because I think he will blame me and hate me in later years. But I can’t be miserable just so DH won’t regret things. If he wants to hate me he will do so for some reason or the other I guess.

    we still haven’t talked about the house selling thing but I have made it very clear that I can’t have ILs for more than 3 months so if they sell their place Dh can buy them another one. !!


    For those who have suggested it - ILs will not move into senior living etc. according to them: they have 2 sons so they shouldn’t have to live in a retirement home.
     
  2. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    You should let the worry go . You are accommodating their need . Doesn’t matter how much you give in this relationship you will be blamed . Let the fear go . If this is how much you can do understand this is your limitations . Every one has limitation . As women we always worry and think about needs of every one . Your expectations are very reasonable. Remove the guilt and be firm . Eventually every one will come around . Guilt is better emotion than being miserable in your own home
     
    Agathinai, sbonigala and Rihana like this.
  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Good move to wait for the appropriate time to talk about it. Instead of long discussions over many days, just when booking tickets is better.

    Good work on not bringing up how MIL criticized your way of festivals and now prefers it. Neatly put: "other people max 6 months, and split that evenly." Till parents are fairly healthy, this is fair enough.

    Looks like the break from work or just experience has cleared up your thinking and how you go about things. Nice. Not reacting to his blaming routine was good for him, you, and overall.

    You are doing so good that soon you will not need to post in IL. :fearscream:

    Key is to keep this in the mind and not bring it up in discussions. You are wise to not let this comparison distract from the actual discussion and aim - limiting their stay to what you can tolerate and what is fair.

    mangaii addressed this very well above. Rise above this blame and guilt.

    : )

    Then, they should spread the time evenly between the two sons.

    Felt good to read your post. This part was the best:
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    "Doesn’t matter how much you give in this relationship you will be blamed ." and "Guilt is better emotion than being miserable in your own home" are soooo true. As is "Eventually every one will come around."
     
    Amulet, Laks09 and mangaii like this.
  5. KayKuyil

    KayKuyil Silver IL'ite

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    Don’t let him ride you with guilt OP. Seems to be a very common tactic among men since we women tend to go by our heart and over imagine emotions especially guilt. If he tries to guilt you again, remind him that it is his fault for not standing up for you and your in-laws fault for not treating you well. Tell very explicitly that you won’t take any blame or feel any guilt in future.
     
    mangaii likes this.
  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Blame and Guilt are cements that hold all relationships together at the correct level of "closeness". With good memories on both sides (of any relationship) B&G tend to be cumulative, i.e., they add up to a increasing value as time goes by. When one party tends to get fuzzy, the party-II may rewind, review and remind: to sustain the B&G level, and hence the "closeness" consequence.
    Inflicting his parents on the foreign living nuclear family could be his way of preserving/adjusting-to the correct level of closeness for the future. Many of the machinations of the men are not closely observed and interpreted by the girls involved. Of course, each woman's mileage may vary.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2019
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  7. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks Rihana! Hard to believe I have been coming to Indus ladies for close to 10 years and the advice here has been so good. I feel so much better than when I first started posting. I will stay on to help others when they need it too. I haven’t done enough to give back to this community :)
     
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  8. confused4sure

    confused4sure Silver IL'ite

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    @ATI what happened to this situation? we were finally forced to apply for green card for my in-laws. and they have been living here for last 8 months. I fear they will stay forever now.
     
  9. ATI

    ATI Silver IL'ite

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    Unfortunately nothing good. I recently posted another thread about how ILs got stuck in India because of COViD but now that flights are starting again they are insisting on moving here despite the high risk involved. I don’t know what to do. I have told DH that he has to rent a place for his parents. And I told him my parents will also be moving here when COVID ends. To his credit DH said it was ok to move my parents also here but he did the math on support 2 sets of parents in addition to our household and realized we can’t afford it.

    BIL says ILs can stay with him for 3 months of the year and the other 9 months they can stay in India or at our place. ILs have refused to live in India so it has to be our place. And BIL won’t split the cost of their staying in their own place near us. ILs don’t have the $ to rent their own place so it’s all super expensive.

    anyway end result DH and I are fighting every day because he wants me to let his parents live here permanently . The only good news is I have honestly stopped caring. There was a time in my marriage when I would feel bad that DH was fighting with me. I have become very detached and unemotional . I am fine with whatever outcome , I just refuse to live with ILs who hate me and don’t even bother to hide it
     

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