What Is The Right Etiquette/mariyadai Towards Sil?

rupz · Mar 9, 2024

Hello,

Sometime last month , SiL came home as MIL sent her a message that she is unwell and taken a whole lot of tests etc.

So when she came she brought pastries and puffs for snacks in the evening. As she was coming I made pav bhaji for her as she likes it.

All done and said at night in bed my DH asked me what did you give her when she went back home?

I told him that she said she didn't want anything as she is planning to go to Market and buy veggies and go home. So she doesn't need to carry weight.

DH is like you are forgetting our house etiquette.
How come you sent her without anything.? I gave her vettalai paku and cash like always.

He's like I am supposed to be responsible to send something back always for BIL and Samandhi.
Not that SIL comes once in a while. She comes here alternate month. Or when we go there we go we get tons of stuff for them to eat and some gifts for her kids.

I really don't understand where I am wrong? Every time she comes with her kids food is prepared as per their choice. They are taken for a drive or a movie of their choice. Pizza mostly for dinner. MIL gives 500inr every time they come. 500 inr from me and DH as mama-mami aashirwadam. I get their favourite chips and snacks and their favourite comics or games for them. In fact we have a PS5 for them here to play.

If I don't even buy chocolates MIL will buy 10-15 huge Cadbury for them even if they don't eat. It's like Dena zaroori hai.

Is it wrong if it's not done once?

I seriously don't understand is it every time possible to give something meaningful or just eatables and send the guest. Even if it's your sister, is it really necessary every single time she comes for a few hours and sends her back with 2k worth items?

In fact I don't know they read or not but DH gave them a yearly subscription for comics delivered at their house.

Last year MIL was insisting DH buy a laptop for his nephews for their online studies ? I was like why my H.? She can ask her DH right?

And it's not like she is VIP? When my family members come to visit twice or thrice a year they are sent with home made Mysore Park or burfi. With vettali paku and blouse piece.Nothing more.

So that time etiquette is invisible?

I don't know what etiquette is to be followed?

I know it's a custom that we must not send anyone empty handed but every single time?

This has made me so concious now, I have not started telling her no more surprise visit inform and come.

Really don't know what to say. Or should I keep something purchased and prepared.

Rupz

MalStrom · Mar 9, 2024

Your DH is being ridiculous. Whenever my aunts (both mom’s sisters and dad’s sisters) or grandmother would visit routinely they would be offered kumkum when it was time to leave. Vethilai-pakku would be offered during occasions like pooja and proper thamboolam would be given during major occasions.
What you did is perfectly acceptable. If your DH feels otherwise ask him to take over and do it to his satisfaction.

mangaii · Mar 9, 2024

I think this is very specific to each family
In my household even train tickets are sponsored by our family
When I first got married there was an issue where mu Sil’s husband wasn’t invited properly.
I think as women I would just not fight for this and provide the list to husband to get the stuff and hand it over to sil like some donation . As families are used to this custom there is nothing much you can do other than going with the flow . If it really bothers you then you can come up with budget and stick to it .

Viswamitra · Mar 9, 2024

@rupz

Gift is a way to show love to someone and it need not be made mandatory for every trip they make. If it is done everytime, it losses its sanctity. Hospitality to invite them properly, provide them the food that they like, giving a right to visit your home whenever they feel like visiting, and spending time with them are good enought courtesy. Especially when she said she needs nothing, making you feel bad about not giving anything is a wrong action by your husband. Just forget it and move on. If he insists she had to be given something, ask him to buy and keep a lot of gift items she likes and tell him that he can give it to her himself.

If it is customary for the house, it should apply to both families and not only to his sister and but not to your family. It shows that it is not customary but designed for one particular person.

steve · Mar 11, 2024

If this is small stuff for you, leave the petty stuff like it is, esp since your hubby is into it. Why get petty about the small sutff? And keeping it at that level and no higher is in it self a benefit to you. If it's not small stuff to you, then you raise relevant points...to curtail the practice...

lavani · Mar 11, 2024

rupz said: ↑

Hello,

Sometime last month , SiL came home as MIL sent her a message that she is unwell and taken a whole lot of tests etc.

So when she came she brought pastries and puffs for snacks in the evening. As she was coming I made pav bhaji for her as she likes it.

All done and said at night in bed my DH asked me what did you give her when she went back home?

I told him that she said she didn't want anything as she is planning to go to Market and buy veggies and go home. So she doesn't need to carry weight.

DH is like you are forgetting our house etiquette.
How come you sent her without anything.? I gave her vettalai paku and cash like always.

He's like I am supposed to be responsible to send something back always for BIL and Samandhi.
Not that SIL comes once in a while. She comes here alternate month. Or when we go there we go we get tons of stuff for them to eat and some gifts for her kids.

I really don't understand where I am wrong? Every time she comes with her kids food is prepared as per their choice. They are taken for a drive or a movie of their choice. Pizza mostly for dinner. MIL gives 500inr every time they come. 500 inr from me and DH as mama-mami aashirwadam. I get their favourite chips and snacks and their favourite comics or games for them. In fact we have a PS5 for them here to play.

If I don't even buy chocolates MIL will buy 10-15 huge Cadbury for them even if they don't eat. It's like Dena zaroori hai.

Is it wrong if it's not done once?

I seriously don't understand is it every time possible to give something meaningful or just eatables and send the guest. Even if it's your sister, is it really necessary every single time she comes for a few hours and sends her back with 2k worth items?

In fact I don't know they read or not but DH gave them a yearly subscription for comics delivered at their house.

Last year MIL was insisting DH buy a laptop for his nephews for their online studies ? I was like why my H.? She can ask her DH right?

And it's not like she is VIP? When my family members come to visit twice or thrice a year they are sent with home made Mysore Park or burfi. With vettali paku and blouse piece.Nothing more.

So that time etiquette is invisible?

I don't know what etiquette is to be followed?

I know it's a custom that we must not send anyone empty handed but every single time?

This has made me so concious now, I have not started telling her no more surprise visit inform and come.

Really don't know what to say. Or should I keep something purchased and prepared.

Rupz
Click to expand...

lol . laptop for online studies. are they in college. if they are what is their father doing. my dh got a $300 cheap desktop for my son for his class with webcam and shared his old laptop to daughter . he said he can get new when they really need or college.

your mil and dh are ridiculous. this over doing is not good. when they are home, treat well . that is good enough.

mangaii · Mar 12, 2024

comparing nuclear family in usa to a joint-family system in India is absurd
We need to consider the geographical location of user when responding .
I still feel these customs cannot be changed by just not buying. Either you buy with budget or get husband on-board with your decision. Not buying isn't going to work in some households. This isn't ridiculous like some people think. Culturally in some families this is still followed . Maybe we don't have representation of those users here doesn't mean it isn't happening.
Marriage is all about give and take. Pick your battles

Rihana · Mar 14, 2024

rupz said: ↑

Is it wrong if it's not done once?
Click to expand...

It is not wrong to miss the gifting one time. But, due to that your other efforts such as making her favorite pav bhaji, hosting her for a few hours etc went waste, so to say.

In their household, it is an important practice. Do your bit for that as the DIL of the house. Like mangaii suggested, give husband the list to shop or do this shopping together. So he will be aware of the items and can modify if needed. Keep items prepared and give them to her when she is leaving. 2K rs per visit is fine if it is every other month.

Every family has their traditions and reasons behind it. This is not a tradition that you try to change. You can limit the money spent on it. And limit the mental effort you spend on deciding what to buy.

What you have control over is the gifts that your parents give you when you visit them.

About the gifts like laptop for her kids, again if the money bothers you, and it is a big amount for your household, you can try to limit that. But, don't question the gift giving just for the sake of it. There can be many factors behind the gift giving that predate you joining the family. Maybe there's is a traditional setup where growing up more money is spent on the boy, and money is spent on the girl's wedding and giving gifts to her years after her wedding. Maybe the SIL'S husband was an extraordinarily great catch, and this gift giving is a way to keep things balanced for your SIL in her marital home.

Pick your battles. Identify your victories, choose wins that will be pleasant to live with. If the gift giving is drastically lowered, each time she leaves there will be drama in the house for at least a week. Why invite this.

Thyagarajan · Mar 14, 2024

Once you had begun the tradition, the expectation is bound to be there for subsequent visits. If you dont feel like gifting say straightaway to MIL
"nothing doing" . If the other party doesn't reciprocate why you should do it? If you want to gift them on your own volition ensure no role in it for your MIL.
God Bless your MIL Sil Bil.

senorita2019 · Apr 3, 2024

All this is crazy and not sure why you are following it. it will become a lifelong tradition and trust me whatever you do nobody will appreciate you and only find faults.

might as well just stop it and people will whine for 2 months and then accept and move on