What is the reason behind inlaws issues???......pour in your thoughts...

ShilpaMa · Mar 2, 2010

Malavika81 said: ↑

Kids are investments if you are parents in China or Cambodia and Angelina Jolie is adopting them
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:crazywell I wont mind being adopted by Jolie even if they consider me as an investment cos am a hard nut for anyone to crack them upto their expectations... I just dance to my own tunes:biglaugh!!! But might as well a benefit for readymade stardom. Any idea if she goes for suffering DILs with readymade kids??

Malavika81 · Mar 2, 2010

Any idea if she goes for suffering DILs with readymade kids??
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I think she hasn't gotten around to adopting grown married women yet but eventually she might LOL But its safe to assume Angelina Jolie will adopt your kids with or without you included in the package :rotfl

Oh I forgot to mention....Angelina is bi.....so if you have any expertise or relevant experience, then that might certainly help :rotfl

ShilpaMa · Mar 2, 2010

FC, I happened to meet Shakuntala Devi in person :eek.. she's pressed her brain too hard againt walls... in the name of money making :bowdown.
Of 1/2 hr that she devoted to us.. she was busy calling banks and getting calls on how much money was transferred to bank X in US, or UK & when will some amount come to indian bank.. with her money talks I was scared if that 1/2 hr shall cost me a bomber as she had 3 credit card swipe m/c kept next to her.

I really adored her for all her mathmetic books until I met her one fateful day.... either her brain has become still or she's too old to be left out alone she was blurting anything. When me and DH met her she said.. ok who's the son and who's the mother :biglaugh:crazy:biglaugh:crazy:biglaugh:crazy.
probably she was preoccupied with too many toughts... we just left the place to come back soon.. not before a swiping tho... Amazing to see what old age can do to so called genious.

ShilpaMa · Mar 2, 2010

Malavika81 said: ↑

Oh I forgot to mention....Angelina is bi.....so if you have any expertise or relevant experience, then that might certainly help :rotfl
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:coffeethat reminds me of movie KS.. where rekha plays the role of instructing ladies on ways to keep their men seduced :bonk.... I think its v common to the glamour world where one stands without clothes for hours in green rooms & under a lot of sedation....... as of now I stand rejected if thats her only criteria :rotfl!!!! As per handling my kids without me I think all her maids will run away & she'll have to handover the pre-adopted kids back to their countries to save some energy for mine.... I had to hire N Nannies before I finally decided to put them in day care :hide:.

Kukudukuu · Apr 29, 2013

very very true..

Anuradha00 said: ↑

I think it is because women are women's worst enemies. Mostly I see mil-dil clashes. Rarely I see fil-snil or mil-snil clashes. I wonder why?

If you see, majority of mils are more respectful and tolerant of daughter's husband whereas they do not give any respect to son's wife. Mils also are usually very respectful to daughter's in-laws whereas they don't hesitate to badmouth son's in-laws. This leads to a bad cycle where a dil and her family feels disrespected so they disrespect the mil back.

Second thing is, generally, men do not interfere in wife's relationship with her parents. But many wives poke their noses into the hubby's relationship with his parents. A wife who talks to her own parents 7x a week will have a problem with her husband doing the same thing. I have heard even some of my friends (who talk to their mothers on VOIP everyday) tell me that it is enough if hubby talks to his parents once every 2 or 3 weeks! I even know people who access their husband's emails and read in-laws' emails. Basically, some of these women think that the inlaws should not be discussing anything with hubby without them (wives knowing) whereas most husband don't mind if wives and their parents talk anything without him knowing.

There are lots of other issues in mil-dil relationship. When a parent is ill, a wife will rush to their side and help as much as she can. But when an inlaw is ill, many wives may not feel the same concern (it is natural, right) and moreover depending on their relationship with the mil, may not even feel that it is their job to help out husband's parents. So husband's parents get more insecured and the relationship gets even worse. You may ask why wife should help, it is not her parent etc. It is because of two reasons. First, men do not have good bedside manner. Women are usually the nurterers and caretakers. It is in their blood. Men are usually failures when it comes to nurturing and caretaking. Secondly, wives may be housewives who are able to make time for their inlaws whereas very few men are househusbands. Of course if wife is also working full time then this is not the case.

Thirdly, once children are born etc, wives prefer to seek their own parents' help and assistance with childrearing rather than inlaws. If inlaws and parents are in different cities, then they try to move close to their own parents rather than inlaws. So their parents get more involved with grandchildren and this make the inlaws more resentful. Inlaws can also be more mature and can take this in right spirit thinking that as long as grandkids are taken care of and healthy and happy, it is enough. But many don't. In cases of women who live abroad, during vacations, they naturally want to stay with own parents. But this means that their children also end up spending more time with maternal grandparents. This creates further misunderstanding and resentment builds up in in-laws' mind. It gets tricky when daughter of the house does the same thing and spends max time with her parents and in their home whereas dil of the house is made to feel bad for doing the same things. When such sils interfere and try to tell their brother's wife to spend more time with the parents, relationship between sil and dil gets ruined.

In sum total, I think that inlaw-dil relationship is very tricky and needs to handled with care. Unfortunately many mils, sils and dils do not give that care and end up with sore relationships. Just like we let go of issues with our parents and siblings, we should be able to let go of issues with our in-laws, too. And just like they let go of issues with their daughters / sisters, they should let go of issues with us too. But there is rarely this give-and-take and live-and-let-live so inlaw-dil relationship is explosive and difficult.
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DKI · Mar 12, 2014

sridivya said: ↑

Coming to Son and DILs, they can take anything that comes from their moms and dads even though it annoys them to the core thinking of how the parents worked through out their life to bring them up and give them a comfortable life but why are they not able to let go the same when it comes from PILs???? Why is the mere mention of inlaws annoys them sometimes??
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The reason is that if my mother says something that I don't agree with or irritates me, I can tell her that openly. If I were to say the same thing to either MIL or FIL they take offense. Same thing that is said by their son is OK to them too.

adimad · Mar 12, 2014

Anuradha00 said: ↑

Just like we let go of issues with our parents and siblings, we should be able to let go of issues with our in-laws, too. And just like they let go of issues with their daughters / sisters, they should let go of issues with us too. But there is rarely this give-and-take and live-and-let-live so inlaw-dil relationship is explosive and difficult.
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The issues are very different and therefore hard to let go. PILs do things to create trouble for DIL intentionally which parents will never do. So it is not right to compare the issues one has with PILs to the issues one has with parents.

For example, will a mother ever tell her daughter to quit her job to serve them day in and day out? Or any such advice which is clearly bad for the girl in every way? Will a mother make her daughter live alone in a different country when sick and pregnant and try her best to create a rift between her and her husband?

The issues with PILs are harder to let go than those with parents because parents may be right or wrong but they will never WANT anything wrong for their child, whereas PILs only purpose is to keep DIL in control, not thinking whats good for her.

Intentions matter here. DILs are not small children that they cant understand who has good intentions for them and who doesn't. An issue arising out of misunderstanding can be easily let go, but that arising out of mal-intentions can not and should not be let go.

adimad · Mar 12, 2014

Anuradha00 said: ↑

I think it is because women are women's worst enemies. Mostly I see mil-dil clashes. Rarely I see fil-snil or mil-snil clashes. I wonder why?
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For the simple reason that wife is forced to leave her family and go live with husband's family, change her name, her identity... while the husband does not have to.
Turn the system around and see if more fights dont start happening between Son-in-law and his PILs. Then man will become man's worst enemy.

Its not about women being women's enemy by nature, its about Patriarchy making the female members of society fight for power, so that they remain easy to control by powerful members (divide and rule policy?).

adimad · Mar 12, 2014

:exactly::rotfl

divs said: ↑

No clue why these issues happen!

But I think these issues will be resolved, at least in the case of arranged fixtures, if we STOP matching the horoscope of a girl with that of a prospective groom. We should instead start matching the girl's horoscope with that of her prospective MILs/ FILs!!

Divs
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adimad · Mar 12, 2014

Malavika81 said: ↑

Most of the in-law issues are due to the woman/man not drawing clear boundaries after marriage between them and their parents and siblings. Yes, they are family but you have your own and you are grown up adults and you cannot let your parents or siblings or in-laws run your life. As a married couple, the decisions you make as a couple is strictly between you two and its NOT the UN general assembly that every family member gets to have a vote and say on your personal life decisions. This is a problem that seems to be very rampant among Asian cultures, especially Indian and Chinese. You should clearly delineate and demarcate your personal boundaries and whatever life decisions you make is strictly between you and your spouse and its noone else's business. The sooner you create the space and limits, the better off you are with all the in-law problems. I know this is easier said than done for lot of you but you need to make the decision. Sorry but your family does not have a say or veto power in your marital decisions LOL.
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Absolutely agree. When will people learn this!!!