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What I do?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by iman, Aug 21, 2007.

  1. iman

    iman Senior IL'ite

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    Dear friends,

    I need you advise regarding my problem. I don’t know whether I can properly describe you or not. I say a once sentence that I feel my self in jail with all the facilities or like a bird in golden cage.

    I belong to a very educated family and simple minded person, very far from diplomacy and politics.

    Ours is second marriage almost 1 and half year. My husband is a businessman, he has two kids from his previous marriage and kids are with their mom in India.

    Starting in marriage for 1 year, I tried my best to win his heart. He speaks very less and always something going in his mind. I don’t know what he want from me. But apart from that he has noting to do with my feelings, my interest, my happiness etc etc. Like all husband he don’t like arguments. Once I caught him with a bad SMS to a girl too that time I got angry and after that I am sure he changed himself and now no affair like that. So slowly I start to see some change in him.

    He says often, my shops are very important than anything else. He has two shift for work (for lunch he comes from 1.30 pm to 4 pm sometime 5 pm. Like that) and I do what he wants. If he says off TV now my time to sleep I switch off it else he cannot sleep, so I too sleep.
    Whatever he says I have to do else he gets angry. Once I forgot to keep almonds in water for morning than he became angry but not by speaking but by not speaking anything (with expressions). So he needs everything perfect, perfect.

    He demands everyday for new recipe like a small example : changing in salad cutting, if I repeat day lunch to dinner he says you don’t have interest in kitchen in home making even I am doing almost to win his heart but by doing everything if he says like that it diminish my interest now to cook for him and now not cooking by my whole heart but by afraid if something wrong than he will get angry.

    So now that love become now my hatred and fear of him. Now I don’t like him as one day he scolded me very badly which I cannot forget ( as I being always nice to others and before never heard like that) so now I started to hate him and don’t want to talk and to go near to him.

    Before I worked in MNC in administration, too many friends and everybody liked my nature, behaviors, my dedicated work and were very impressed.

    As I don’t have kid too and whole day I am revolving to my husband even he is not satisfied ( I surprise what he wants). So I ask him can I do part time job but he replied I don’t say NO and don’t say YES. Than this reply what I do, I am totally confused.

    Now I started to hate him as he scold badly and said “I get lose when u entered in my life.” This lines still hurting me I become so depressed that these words going and going in my mind.

    1) Now I cannot tell this to anyone, I don’t have parents and nobody to support me.
    2) We both cannot take divorce as outside we are one of good couples. Socially he also don’t want as it’s the matter of our reputation.
    3) Now I am so tired with anything as I did many struggles in my life.
  2. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Iman,

    I am very sad to know your situation.

    It looks like your husband kept a maid with him and not a WIFE. Never ever try impress others at the cost of your happiness. If you are happy doing it then fine. Not otherwise. I guess you tried being good to keep good relation, but your husband behaves like one rude Master:bangcomp: , not a husband.

    What did you see in him:confused: to get married to him?

    I guess it is better to get yourself free. Talk to him about divorce, if he agrees then fine. And if he does not (because of his reputation) then ask him to change his behaviour. Dont accept any bad behaviour from him. Today he behaves bad, tommorrow he will even start beating you.

    I guess he wont go into a divorce the second time, this will show others how bad he is? and he will surely try to work in improving his relation with you.

    Confide in his friends about his relation with you. So others know what you are going through. Learn to fight your battles.

    Once you are on your own, take up a job and stand for yourself. We all make mistakes. So learn to face it.

    All the best:2thumbsup:

  3. Amicable

    Amicable Senior IL'ite

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    Hi, Sorry to hear about your problem with your husband. Defintily it seems he is very self-centred person. Since he is too demanding, spoiled and do not respect you then start taking your own decission from now on, like job, lunch, dinner etc. Tell him you are not his bonded labour and this is a home not a hotel, where he needs different recipes or diff. style of salad everyday. Things can't be perfect all the time. If he scolds you do not be afraid, stay calm and make your point clear that if he will not change his behaviour in that case you will move out . Not saying you take that step right away. But start taking control of your own life. Don't wait for his permission if he doesn't support you. If you want to work or study, keep yourself busy. Talk to his family and tell them if he is not changing his behaviour this marriage may not work for long. May be his parents or siblings can convience him to change his behaviour. And worst come worst, become independnt first before you make any decission to leave him.

    As this is a second marriage for both of you, I am sure you want to work out this marriage. If he doesn't like to talk much or too picky, then ignore him and you find some hobbies like reading, writing, gardening, kniting, cooking, volunteer work etc . May be ignoring him will change his behaviour. Hating him is not a solution of any healthy marriage infact it will bring more troubles. Lots of men when they come home don't want to get disturbed and like to do things of their choices, so give him space. I know sometime its annoying, but its better to stay quiet rather than fighting or getting upset. If you like to watch tv late night, then move the tv out of bedroom or buy a another tv , so that he doesn't get disturbed. Don't seek too much attention or give him attention if his attitude towards you is bad. But dont' be too critical to him all the time. Praise him sometime too. Make balance.

    My last suggestion, make friends, go out and learn from other experinces how they handle such situations. Infact involve his friends and their families, invite them for dinner so that he can learn some good things from them. Stop pitying on yourself all the time. Bring self confidence in you. Keep yourself well maintened and attractive. I hope his attitude towards you will change soon and will bring happiness in your marriage life.
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2007
  4. payalg

    payalg New IL'ite

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    Reading your post , I think he is looking for more of a servant than a wife

    Makes me wonder why did he get married and ruined your life, he cud have simply hired a cook and a cleaner

    Does he get physical with you ? maybe that was the reason

    Cant understand ....really feel sorry for you ....hopefully things change for better

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