lost my mum in March. I still get choked up. I dont want to get used to the fact that she is not around now. I still smell her. I still hear her. Is she watching me now? Where is she? I think her last call was to me, asking me to come back home. I was out of town on a fun trip. She apologized for cutting short my trip. And she was panting. Evidently a heart attack. I called all my contacts but it was too late. She collapsed. The first call should have been to ambulance. But I called my uncle to bring an emergency tablet. I think that call to me was a cry for help. She hoped I would be able to do something. I couldnt do anything for her. Did she know she was going to go? I just want to cry and sleep in her lap. and hug her. I cant bear to see the pictures, it doesnt bring a smile, but a deep deprression. But then the cooker whistles, or milk boils or door bell rings or soemthing and I need to get up. She left a hollow in me. Is this choking that they call grief? It leaves me empty. I called the ambulance and he said I should have called them a little earlier. He said she was already passed when they came. I have never seen anyone just disappear from life so close. There was once a guy friend of 3 years who just ghosted me one fine day. That was the closest. I feel like talking every bit of the day with the family members but they start crying to even start that day. Not talking doesnt make me feel better. Talking doesnt make me feel better either. Frankly I dont feel like praying. I just do the 108 pradakshni every so often because I keep thinking of so many things while I still chant "sri rama rameti ..." Its the time when I am left alone walking zombie like. Is my mum watching me? What happened to her? What is she doing now? Is she unhappy wiht me? Does she sympathize with me?