What do you think went wrong from your perspective ?

<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CALGPC22%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <wunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <wontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> Mlk2009,
When I got married ( it was an arranged marriage) , I too expected my DH to be someone with whom I could share my feelings openly. I expected him to be my confidant. But things turned out to be different after a couple of months of marriage. Initially, as I was new to the family, I tried my best to meet his expectations (either towards him or towards my in-laws) though they were quiet exaggerated. I adjusted and compromised on a number of occasions just to have a happy married life even though my expectations even the smallest ones were buried time and again for eg. my DH not supporting me knowing that my MIL was at fault and rather justifying her attitude towards me. This made me feel depressed and I started suffocating as the basic mutual understanding and trust required in our married life just did not exist. He being a Mama’s boy could never maintain a balance between his wife and his overindulgent mother and this gradually jeopardized our married life.

 

I had a lot of problems in the initial days of marriage.

My inlaws are some type of sub-humans and are the most nasty of nasty folks on this planet.

My hubby was a momma's boy who would rather let his mom nuke the world than step in and tell her 'no'.

But the biggest problem was.... I did not value myself. Of course at the time I thought I did, but looking back, I realize I didn't. The first time they called me 'nasty' or 'prostitute', I should have spoken up to my dh and let him know. The first time they ridiculued my body or my education, I should have shut them up and stood up for myself. Afterall, I'm proud of how I look and what I learn in school... so why did I let them get away with that? I did not value myself. I valued their 'stamp of approval' more than myself, and I was ready to give up all my self respect to make them like me... even go so far as to take their abuse with a smile and a nod.

The first time anybody tried to lay a hand on me in that house, I should have left. Better yet, I should have put my villager mil in her place and slapped a restraining order against her. Instead, I didn't value myself. I didn't think I had the strength to tell an authority figure or even my family what was going on. Instead I hid in my car, sometimes all night. I went and hid at my best friends house. I hid in my bedroom. I basically... hid. When really what I should have done, is taken some action.

One time I tried to tell my hubby what was going on, but he shouted at me so bad in the mall, calling me such bad names... this was few months after marriage. Such nasty names I can never forget. But instead of answering him back or dumping his butt and filing for divorce, I let him blabber and get away with it, because I didn't value myself. If I truely valued myself, I wouldn't have let anybody belittle and harrass me the way my dh did.

So you see, my inlaws are nasty pieces of crap. They were the cause of all our problems. But I allowed those problems to keep happening because I didn't believe in myself.

A year or so down the line, I started to get some more confidence. Eventually I told my dh that I was done with the relationship. I told him I hated his parents and this his mother was nothing but a low grade village tramp. I told him all the nasty sexual type comments she made about him and his ex, and all the ridicule she did of me. I told him my worth, and why I thought I didn't deserve that treatment. At that point I wasn't trying to save my marriage, I was trying to salvage what remaining self esteem I had. To my surprise, my dh listened to what I had to say and took my side. He stood up against his parents and ripped in to them for the lies they told me. They denied everything, but I was able to produce dates, times, and events from my dh's past which nobody would know but my inlaws... so they were caught red handed.

Today my dh treats me with more love and respect than he ever did before. I firmly believe I would still be suffering today if I had not come to my senses and put an end to the nonsense. Looking back, it's very easy to see where I went wrong. Probably if I had been married at 29 instead of 19, I would have had the maturity and self confidence to stand up from myself from the WEDDING DAY ITSELF instead of years later.

That's my story of 'where things went wrong.' Hope it's useful to somebody.

 

Years ago my BIL and family visited our place on our invitation.One day my DHs niece wore garish makeup and jewellery for a picnic with us. My DH being a crafty guy asked me to get her to wash off the makeup , instead of himself saying it since she was his niece! Foolishly I told her nicely that her uncle (my DH) did not like her to look overmade up , she toned down her make-up but from then on my life was made hell! My DH was fed all lies about me by his brother ,SIL and niece which he took as gospel truth.
My married life was ruined forever after this and things got worse and worse .
Being exteremely foolish I was caught with a glass of coke at my in-laws place while others including my DH hid their liquor glasses ! All thought that I was enjoying my drink and was habituated to the bottle and my DH never said a word in my defence.
I think that I was too much in love with my DH and never thought that he would never defend me, my trusting nature also took a beating !

 

I expected my MIL to be more like my mother, soft and very understanding and treat me like her daughter. But slowly, I came to realize that no two people can be similar and I have accepted her as she is with all her shortcomings.
I have accepted her not because I have no other way than to just do it but out of my realization and acting upon the virtues I believe in.
I know she is still the same and will remain the same but it does not bother me anymore.

 

Hi, This thread is good. Hope some to-be-married get benefitted out of it. And here comes my share - I failed to understand that before marriage, everyone show only the good face. I just didn't understand that men are so sensitive in some matters - especially when it comes to your boy friends - though you may have a very healthy relation. I was also childish - though I didn't have an early marriage - I took him for granted few times. And the most, I let him know my over-affection towards my family. That made him think that I'm not having a good married life with him and Am only worried only about my parents. (I dont have any siblings, and my parents are getting older). I told 'yes' to whatever he told, and finally he concludes I don't have brains / opinions. And I yield to whatever he says. Now I realise, I should have been strong enough, face him without fear and let him know my views so that he would have some mutual respect for me. He wouldnt expect me to lose my identity. It is hard to go back and change everything. My initial years were not good. I even wondered why people marry. Male ego is something so hard to deal with. And if the person is not outspoken, adjusting and keeps carrying the past - unable to forget and forgive, it becomes even tough. I don't have a perfect solution - but sometimes this worked - I ignored his meaningless thoughts and words, kept myself busy, I told myself that life is not worth crying and tried to be happy. If I cry and if I'm moody, I saw him contented. I didn't want to give him that feeling and I don't want to him to think that I'm weak and dependent on him. And the situation improves after few days. (Thank God. Am working. So got some kind of divertion and need not depend on him financially). My DH is not a totally wrong person, he does so many things for me, what I have talked here are the problems that we face. But somehow some link / bond is there between us that keep us moving. Hope the next generation come up without the 'ego' factor. (I do not know if I have talked something relevant to the subject. I just put in all my thoughts on my marriage issues). Thanks for your patience in reading.

 

Flowerlady, all this anger towards you over the makeup incident?? That is really dumb of them. And since it was your dh's idea about the makeup, he should stood up for you at the least, or at best, admitted it was his idea and not yours!

I had to laugh at your coke incident though... I mean, if anything it's a funny story, you being the only one left holding a glass! Too bad your inlaws didn't take it that way. Jeez.

 

Hi all

Its so sad to see so many ladies suffer like this.

My case is different .Got married when I was 22 but was matured for a 30 yr old as I had seen all my sisters getting married and going through their own problems esp my elder sister's MIL was monster in law and my BIL was a typical momma's boy so she trained me enough on how to adjust with the new family ,husband etc.

My Dad was even more worried for me i was so spoiled as i am the the youngest kid and was getting married to my DH who has no father and was heading his family and my DH's family is so huge and he thought i might have lot of problems .

So I was prepared for the worst case scenario and to my surprise all my Dh 's folks are were ,are and hope will be nice to me since the day we got married especially my MIL .:bowdown


as a couple me and my DH have our own issues during initial years but now we are madly in love with each other and indeed a very good couple too.

I am blessed to have this life with my DH and his family and I hope and pray it will stay the same forever
:bowdown

 

I will say all went downhill from my in laws and SIL involvement.And I will attribute my husband's spoilt upbringing also as a major factor here.

As many of you know here mine was a jiffy and an arranged marriage.Before I barely started knowing my husband , he was laid off and then came all the problems. I will say my husband was nice to me up until my in laws got involved. When my husband landed a job quite a while later, they attributed his job loss and money problems to me and blamed me. It was okay until my husband wasnt convinced of their theories about this. But after repeating time and again the same thing my husband got convinced and then was the start. He was physically and mentally abusive and my in laws jumped in to say its normal and I shud be patient. Maybe I instigated him too was their concern.
Then they played a different tune. They convinced him to send me back to India .That is the code word for us both to come back to India permanently and live with them.

My FIL is very greedy and for him money means the world. My husband and me being professional grads will be a blank cheque to him if we were with him in India. He saw/seeing money in us and hence wants us back where he can milk us every month to full. And keep us in his control and his daughter's too.That means more physical abuse and more being separated as couple.My cosis is in similar position. There will be no remedy to this problem ever if done.

He tried as much as possible to see that my husband doesnt get married. But it didnt happen and then he found the perfect opportunity when my husband was laid off.From then on till now he is relentlessly trying to see that we get back to India. He had/has even resorted to black magic.He still does it and acts innocent preaching us of God and telling us religious stories in all mails.And please who dont believe in it pass an ugly remark. If you dont believe leave it at that. Ask a person who knows how one suffers in that.

Anyway it took me 4 yrs of severe physical ,emotional abuse from my husband when I woke up and called the cops after one such incident.My in laws were happy until I was suffering telling me to be patient. Come the arrest, when my husband called them after that they blamed me to be impatient and called my parents upbringing to be bad. My parents were tired to all this and gave him right back.

After that my husband and me were separated for a few months and that made him see the truth about his parents and his sister. She meanwhile convinced him to get back and separate from me. But I gave her an earful right on the call .Thats it and I am slowly picking up pieces and given an earful to my FIL and SIL NOT TO BE INVOLVED IN OUR LIVES !!.