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What Are The Steps To Take For Divorce

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by snehalJoshi, Aug 4, 2021.

  1. lavani

    lavani Finest Post Winner

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    i do not want to side track . but depending on the state you live, once a 911 arrest is made. it is between the state and the person. you going and telling drop the case does not work . Again i said it depends on the state. some of my friends had bad experience of neighbors calling, as he was talking at home loudly at his kids and that moment due to some random sibling fight one was crying .
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
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  2. venkiis

    venkiis Silver IL'ite

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    I got divorced recently after 16 years of drama. here is a male perspective living with a highly manipulative ex. this is male perspective , i did all these because my ex is very good in fooling people on how worse monster i am .

    1. Buy a voice recorder - it should run all the time . I copied the files to a usb 1 terabyte disc. every time the battery was out. when the false allegations happens things can south for men real quick. very useful, when there is a domestic violence on anyone. I asked the lawyer , courts can appoint the translators if needed.

    2. US courts favor women as the prime care giver. So i had to document everything i did for my kids from waking them to doctor visits . to my help in house. in google calender , did that for 6 months to get fair custody.

    3. Do not move out . if you move out, 2 things can happen, he can file kidnapping case or if you move alone, it can be you do not want to responsible for kids ( sorry male perspective )

    4. It depends on your state of residence. goto Avvo.com , you can find one. Lawyer fees can go from 250$ to 500$ per hour. talk to couple. initial it is free.

    5. Record all behaviors and talk to lawyer . you cannot get 100% percent, may be 80/20 . i am not in position to advise.

    6. You need a counsellor

    7. kids without or with dad. YOu can control what you can do. he will be their father. no law can remove that.

    8. if he is violent. call the police. you can get no contact restraining order. he will be screwed real bad.

    9. do not rush in anything. Collect documentation for everything

    a. w2 , financial statements , bank statements. , indian property
    b. children documents, marital docs.
    c. passports and education certifications ( keep them away in seperate inaccessible location)

    2 most important.

    lawyers are not your friend or your spouse friend. they are their to make money. You have to build your case. documentation is the key.

    once you file the process, it is just business. you have to focus on end result. emotional fighting over house stuff , other extra custody timings, only case will go longer. you will end up giving something to get something.

    try to settle before going to court. it is very expensive. this is not movie. as i said after you serve, it is pure business.

    i focused on 50% custody, and let go of lot of financial asset to my ex. Money for me does not matter , since it is achievable. my time with kids mattered to me.

    if you are in NJ .
    in Middlesex county. Kenneth White is a good lawyer.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
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  3. dhara18

    dhara18 Senior IL'ite

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    You are so right.. domestic violence is crime and its between state and person, they arrest and give no contact order .. they don't drop case immediately when you tell them to drop.. I went in 1st appearance and requested judge to release him with no hostile contact order...that was the 1st time he ever been arrested and also depend on judge , he was released but charges was not dropped.. my state attorney asked me whether I want to drop charges or go ahead with case.. I told him to drop and explained that we have immigration involved... because as per I know if someone get convicted on felony or domestic charges it's a big trouble for visa renewal, they might get deported.. more before they cancel chabges they check you for all directions to.make sure " you are safe" .. "dcf.. child protection services ensure your child is safe , talk to some witnesses like neighbors who had seen both of you as parents "..

    It could be rough ride and consequences could be unpredictable... in.my case it tuned positive way.. I was just explaining in my previous post that fear hold person for long time without any reason ... either you have to accept that you can not over come to your fear or either stand tall and take steps to change...suffering every day is not good for kidsor for one's self.
     
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  4. dhara18

    dhara18 Senior IL'ite

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    Just one thing I want to mention from my experience before you record anything make sure recording between two party is legal in your state.. state I live recording consider illegal even its between husband and wife.
     
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  5. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op

    make first list of things what you want to ask lawyer like recording is legal or not. What documents proof are required to build your case. Any other legalities.
    I think if you have proof of domestic violence you can claim full custody and give him visitation rights like taking kids to park certain days. That way kids will be safe.
    Emotional abuse, verbal abuse is also counted. Your fantasy will be your reality if you build courage. Kids grow fast and they need peaceful happy environment rather than both parents fighting and unhappy. If you keep waiting you will go in severe depression and loose all confidence. Good luck and take care.
     
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  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    Yeah. Its possible if kids hate( or scared of ) their father.
    But here according to OP,
    "My kids love theirfather "
    " When he wants to take them to a playground it is still ok because he doesn't yell/scream/spank the kids in front of others"
    In this case completely cutting father is not practical. I believe full custody of kids for OP with visitation rights for their father may work. But OP cant take kids away from him unless he is a threat to them according to the court (op has to prove that) or he agrees for that arrangement( op needs permission )
    If its joint custody, she has to face his manipulation until she gain the courage to face it.
    OP, there are free consultation of attorneys, so find the right one. They can guide you well on what are the legal ways of collecting evidence in your state and the options you have. You have to explain whats going on in your life from day 1 of this marriage. I heard that some attorneys have private investigators to help them ( depends on the case).
    I know a case where the lady is planning an exit once the youngest one leave for college, she is consulting a therapist to gain clarity and courage.
    Whatever may be your decision, its not going to be easy. So understand all challenges and plan pathways to face it with courage. Living in this marriage or leaving this marriage are equally challenging I believe as kids are involved. But having a seperate happy home is best for you and kids than staying in this toxic marriage.
     
    Last edited: Aug 5, 2021
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  7. venkiis

    venkiis Silver IL'ite

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    yes i checked with my lawyer . not try to patronize, but there are lot of men under fake cases. OP does not realize how much power she holds.

    Even light push on should is considered DV.
     
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  8. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    If more women on IL realized this, they wouldn't have so many problems!
     
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  9. dhara18

    dhara18 Senior IL'ite

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    True.. so many of us stay in fear .. yes light push consider DV and police very supportive.
     
  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Platinum IL'ite

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    I read the above as a mother in fear for her kids' safety being left alone with an unstable husband. However, when partially quoted, to consign the mother to a life of misery, that would be:
    Here is the poor woman's dream in Technicolor:
    If sufficient economic opportunities were to be available for women, to afford an independent happy life, why should/would they put up with the tortures of having to live with a crazy, abusive, nut of a mere sperm donor ?
     
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