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What Am I Doing Wrong? Please Help.

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by shreeya1986, Oct 5, 2016.

  1. shreeya1986

    shreeya1986 New IL'ite

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    I am 28 year old married woman ,married for 4 years .I do not socialize much ,I had some friends in college but not in touch with them anymore.I have a good career and I am friendly ,down to earth and nice to everyone around. I feel that I do not get along with anyone in my family ,workplace and neighborhood no matter what I do.I always get a feeling that people are trying to show off how they are familiar with other people or have some group and I am not part of it.They will just include me and treat me like one who does not belong. Even in family they try to show how closer they are to each other and I am just an outsider where in reality they may be having issues with each other.

    For example ,lets say if 2 people do not get along with each other ,I enter into the scene and they get closer and together become against me.This happens at workplace too. I also notice that if I give some importance to some person and try to say that I like that person or that person is good ,everyone starts chasing that person and ignoring me completely.If I appreciate someone's dress in a group, that person completely ignores me next time.If people are coming in a group from somewhere and I see them no one bothers to exchange a smile and ignore me completely even If I am smiling at each of them.

    Even at workplace people try to show off how intelligent they are by doing many tricks and when it comes to showing my work/talent to senior management they just want me to step back and not open up.Its like they are trying to suppress me from getting ahead. My credit getting stolen is an everyday story for me. Its like I do not deserve anything after all the hard work.I have lost so much confidence because of this.

    Even in family relationships everyone is just trying to show off how better/prosperous their life is and keep boasting even when I have no interest in their life.People coming to my house as guest compare everything in my house with with siblings .

    People individually come to me for my advice/help in all aspects of their life ,discuss their issues and get help.If they feel low they come to me for an inspiration. These are the same people who gossip about me later and become against me with other people when their work is done. If people are in pain they will come to me and want me to help no matter what I am going through. When everything gets cleared they do not even bother to thank or contact me. When I am in pain no one is really interested.If someone hurts me and I try to discuss that thing with some person in common that person immediately take other person's side without even checking who is right.

    I am an average looking woman but look lesser than my age and I get to hear a lot that I look younger and do not look like married (just mentioning this if at all it adds to anything).I am very emotional ,but If I do not like something I confront immediately and get away from the relationship . But this is happening with each of my relationships and I cannot keep on breaking every relationship.

    I had a very difficult childhood and I had to do lot of hard work day and night to reach where I am today.I never had any financial /emotional support (except school fee ) from my father and mother (she is my step mother).Off course not everyone is aware of this except my old friends. No one in my family/friends had really imagined that I will go so ahead in life and achieve what I have today. Even my maternal uncle's daughters were good to me when I had nothing and they had everything. They could not succeed that much even with all the facilities .They do not talk to me anymore or only talk when they want something from me. Same is the case with my old friends.

    I never boast about any of my achievements.I never tell anyone in case I am appreciated at work because I know no one would be happy. I am a software engineer and earn decent pay according to Indian market standards.

    Also I have noticed that people are really interested in my career ,my salary and what I am doing. They will ping me on FB /WA just to check what I am working on ,where I am working ,how much salary etc etc. They will not disclose anything about themselves .When they achieve something or if i need them, they will simple ignore me.

    Sorry for long post .I feel really low because of all this and it looks like downfall has started in my life already in terms of health,career and overall quality of my life .

    Please help me understand what am I doing wrong here .Thank you for reading.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2016
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  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Where are you located?
    After a certain age it is so tough to make genuine friends coz even we become rigid and lack tolerance like when we were younger.

    These days I just try to look for friends who I am comfortable with.tats the only criteria.secondly,try some classes like Zumba or go to gym.u might meet more people there
     
    shreeya1986 likes this.
  3. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    Op, I a facing the same issues.
    People approaching me for help, info and asking my details but not sharing anything ant themselves and conveniently ignoring when I need help.
    It's difficult to get genuine friends.
    From personal experience what helps me is self confidence, believing in yourself and helping others in mutual way, that is you do something for them and they do some help for you..also being very bold helps in not being taken advantage of.
    Don't care what others think of you..if you give importance to them they will try to hurt by ignoring u.
    Do not share unnecessary personal and salary details with anyone if you know they won't do the same...
    Smart, shrewd and confident is what you should become to overcome this problem..
    Also do not look for friends in workplace as its a very competitive environment..
    Look for friends in places like ur apartment complex, neighbourhood, hobby class, etc who share mutual interests with..and with people who befriend u for what you are and not for what help you can do for them.
     
    anika987 and shreeya1986 like this.
  4. Avanti30

    Avanti30 Gold IL'ite

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    Hey @shreeya1986 ,

    First of all, congratulations that rose like a phoenix from your life circumstances and created a good life for yourself. Secondly, there is nothing wrong about you.

    You have mentioned that people ask about you but they do not share their details. Try to ask them about themselves. When they ask you try to counterquestion them first and then give your answer.
    Do not feel yourself victimized, because if you are considering yourself victim, other people start taking advantage of that. Try to think that that the past situations have occurred only to empower you.
    These days people or even close friends do not want to talk to near dear ones but they will post their updates on facebook, instagram etc. You will feel that I met this person yesterday and he did'nt even tell me that he was going to xyz place. Do not bother yourself much over this.
    Do the things activities that you enjoy or make you happy. Learn new things. When you are happy you can make others happy. If others do not want to share your happiness leave the toxic company immediately.
     
    anika987 and shreeya1986 like this.
  5. shreeya1986

    shreeya1986 New IL'ite

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    thank @anika987 ,@generic and @Avanti30. I am feeling better by reading your posts.I will try to change as per your suggestions.Thank you again.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  6. Maniya

    Maniya Senior IL'ite

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    I can understand your feelings, as I also am like you. I think where i (or even you) err is being not bold enough. Tolerating people a lot. Not knowing how to face up to these people. You have to somehow become more and more aggressive. Perhaps try to look for some friend who is very aggressive yet good. Move more and more with such people and you will absorb their qualities and deliver like them. But finding such people is your job. No one can help in that endeavour.

    If you believe in God and have faith in Him/Her, then do deep meditation and become more and more spiritual. That will definitely help. People with Godliness are very powerful and have a halo around them. People just don't play the fool with such spiritually strong persons.

    And don't feel bad when people are behaving the way they are. Since you are already married, become very or more friendly with your hubby and seek comfort from his presence. Talk to your close friends or relatives. And whenever you are down, please come here and pour out without feeling silly. You will find great relief just by venting it out here. And 99% here are going to feed you positive energy with their words.

    All the best. May you be rid of negative feelings sooner than later.
     
    Ankita2017 and shreeya1986 like this.
  7. shreeya1986

    shreeya1986 New IL'ite

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    Thanks @Maniya for your kind words.I will try to follow the tips you suggested.Thanks again.
     
  8. sameerdewan

    sameerdewan New IL'ite

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    Hi shreeya how are you.I m sameer from Dehradun.I m a married man.i feel badly for you.But You can enjoy with your friends,go to market,beauty parlor ,and do many more thing.you don't understand ,you'r alone,keep happy and tension free.
     
  9. EnlightenedSoul

    EnlightenedSoul IL Hall of Fame

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    Ppeople who treat you badly only shows who they are, not you. BE STRONG,BOLD AND ASSERTIVE. NEGATIVE PEOPLE ARE
    ENERGY SUCKERS. BE CAREFUL TO THEM, AND AVOID THEM IF POSSIBLE.
    CONCENTRATE ON BUILDING YOUR STRENGTH, & MIND POWER.
     
    Jhansirao128 likes this.
  10. maddysweet

    maddysweet Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Shreeya1986,
    Are you really sure all these are happening continuously or only sometimes.
    I guess we all go through the phase where we suddenly feel like having no one, or like everything is going wrong and sometimes we get overwhelmed.
    I have some bad days where i get problems at work and also at home, from my husband and also from my own siblings parents. But it goes away after few days. everything gets settled.

    Regarding friends and people at work etc i agree with you. Friendships at work or neighborhood etc have become very showoff business. The ladies who are highly dominating, dont hesitate anything go beyond their limits do the bossism. Normal and straightforward people are not able to make friendships.

    I have been staying in this city 8 yrs. I know 3-4 group of friends but none of them are my best friends.
    1 group of friends who were my colleagues were so nice, they helped me and i helped them. but they have so much caste feeling that they never let me part of the group. they only invite for major parties, even though they are so good and nice, caste thing made difference.
    another group were mostly housewives, and they put complaint on me that i was not responding to calls coz i work am always busy etc.
    another group in my neighborhood are beyond my understanding, they are so nice close sometimes and sometimes just ignore me.

    well i realized after spending some time thinking that, i better be normal saying hello bye with them,
    it is waste of time and energy to think so much.

    I realized, thats why god gave us family, in fact parents, kids, husband.
    spend more time with your kids, husband and parents. am sure you wont have enough time left to think about the rest of the crap.
    lower your expectations on friends, colleagues and neighbors etc.


     
    ramainside likes this.

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