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Wfh Creating Issues!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by LonelyWoman, Mar 22, 2020.

  1. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

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    Lots of love to you ladies who are giving me wisdom, strength and tips. Thank you!!

    I took your advice and am living my own life for the past couple of days.

    Saturdays we typically go out but yesterday I told him coldly that although I am very pissed off (still am because of his comment about not wanting a working wife) I can cook on both Saturday and Sunday but I will not do much during the week. He initially said "I don't care." I said whatever and went for a one hour walk. Came back and said unless I get a yes/no I am not moving forward. I got a grudging "Sure" so I went ahead and cooked. Today, again cooked. There is enough left over for tomorrow and I plan to offer that. I have clearly communicated that I can't be expected to do much during work hours. He can cook or order something.

    We are still not talking and I am actually ok with it thanks to you guys. The old me would have tried to patch up already. He needs to understand that he has no right to make insensitive comments and expect me to be nice. Knowing him, he is probably simmering inside and two things are possible - he will get meaner and mention the D-word or he will calm down and act as if nothing happened.

    Believe it or not - after around an average of one fight every two months, he has apologized probably 5 times in 15 years. I always have to beg for things to go to normal. A year ago I decided I am not doing that anymore and I continue the silence until he tries to act normal. Has worked but I ain't ever getting an apology. Any tips on how to come to terms with that are also appreciated!
     
  2. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    As I had mentioned earlier, you have 4 years to plan to right your life. When your child is of legal adult age, you can get a divorce without the complications of child support issues.

    Imagine a life where you are independent to do whatever the hell you want without having to be the doormat for someone else's life/house. That is the life you need to aspire to and prepare for.

    When you have the time, consult divorce attorneys. Many would offer free counseling sessions.
    Make sure you separate liquid assets (money! bank accounts etc..), or create separate bank accounts for yourself.

    One of the positive things you have going in your life is that your husband had already broached the subject of divorce a few times. Perhaps he is secretly working on his own scheme, and one day he'd spring that on you. Be ready. Be Preapred.

    It is a pity that you'd have to suffer four more years; but it is a lot better than a lifetime.

    Best wishes, and good luck.
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    You really need to cut down on chatter of the kind described below. Aim for a little more dignity (can't think of a better word.) You are not a newly married woman who is aiming to make the best food she can for her husband. Don't make announcements like "I can cook now..Can't cook tomorrow..." "Can't cook in work hours." And don't push him to give a yes/no to such declarations which is really meaningless if he still makes a long face in the week about food quality. Simply do what you want to do. Cook when you want to, as much as you want to.

    "There is enough left over for tomorrow and I plan to offer that."
    This might be the crux of the problem. You "offer" the food that has been cooked. Perhaps until you take a break from work and come start the serving, they wait. Change that. Both your husband and son are old enough to take food from the fridge, warm it up and eat it. Try it. I tried it in my household this weekend after I ended up being in the kitchen for 1.5 hrs at each meal time (just the serving, eating, cleaning up part). I talk to the closed doors or send a whatsapp about the proposed meal plan for each person. I also neatly distributed the dish-washing part into three sections that can happen independent of each other.

    He seems to know all your hot buttons and presses them when he wants to. "Didn't want working wife", "D-word".... Either you become immune to them or at a calm time ask him why he keeps bringing that up.

    At 15 years, time to stop keeping count of fights, apologies...
     
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    At 15 years, one has to go for the "final solution", and salvage one's own life.
     
  5. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    "Any tips on how to come to terms with that are also appreciated!"
    Only way is to accept that your dh love him more than anything else and not going to change for you. Are you happy in this marriage? Lower your expectations. He is not going to understand what you want. I think you are in right track , by ignoring his silent treatment. It's a way to control you.

    You can't change him. Change the way you deal with it. Dont try to explain or seek advice or permission. If you do so, you are giving the power to him.

    Do whatever you can. Do your duty. Dont explain. If he complain, say "this is the best I can do, if you think you can do a better job do it yourself . " or completely ignore his complaints if you think it's not valid. He is using the sentences on your working status to create a guilty feeling in you.

    Did he ever mention before marriage that he want a home maker , not a working woman as his wife. If not, you can tell him he should have married someone else who is ready for it or say he didn't mention anything like that so there is no point in talking about it right now. He is using D word to control you. Next time, if he utters say if he want that you will be more than happy to give it. I am sure he will never expect that reply from you.

    If you want to continue in this marriage develop an immunity to these ramblings and accept that he is not going to change. Lower your expectations and live your life the way you want it. It's not easy, but you can do it if you want.
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2020
    SCA, shravs3, CuteCancer and 4 others like this.
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    The next time your husband mentions the D-word, you say Sure ! These seem to be empty threats that make him feel important when you scramble to make things go his way. What you need now is not an apology but straightening your husbands behavior. The more you cater, the more the tantrums. Think of this like dealing with a 5 yr old kid.
    Your husband is not going to starve if food of his choice is not served, he will gobble up the simple food once hunger sets in. Rihana is absolutely right, offer no explanations , no justifications. Just do what you can do without breaking your back.
    This is not the time to throw tantrums but to be appreciative and grateful for everything. If he wants biryani while the world around is collapsing, he is welcome to make it himself.
    Take care.
     
  7. RetireFI

    RetireFI Senior IL'ite

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    Our personalities are similar. I am the say it-make up kind and my husband also is passive aggressive kind but he also can understand dry sense of humor. So if disagreement cannot be conveyed in usual couple face to face chat, I try to convey in jocular manner. For example, When he asks me to prepare tea at 3:00 PM when my calendar shows I am busy from 3-4, I tell him I will prepare tea/snacks like home made biscuits at 6:00, massage his back and neck since he worked so hard, it usually shuts him up. When he asks me to take break to walk around the neighborhood, I offer to walk after dinner is prepared/eaten and dishes are done; he understood the message. I am also using chat to communicate as written words can seem more humorous than spoken words with serious face.

    I am sincerely hoping whole of world will help flatten the curve soon and this WFH policy gets rescinded in 2 weeks. Saw a joke that if scientist community can't come up with vaccine soon, hapless moms/wives will! Hang in there.
     
    LonelyWoman likes this.
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    I doubt the situation is so dire. OP said in the first post that they manage to discuss philosophy, politics and watch movies together etc. In addition, the comments that come from the husband (D-word, didn't cook special for me, I didn't want a working wife) are most likely met with some comments from the wife. After 15 years, most couples have a stock of such comments and one from the stock is brought up as (not) needed.

    A few such comments common from wives are:
    - You never do anything without being nagged,
    - In the 2010 India trip you did not say anything when your mother...,
    - Anything to do with kid's school and studies, I have to look into it
    - Why are you always on the laptop?
     
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  9. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Would you then suspect that the OP's forum-ID itself is a wee bit hyperbolic ?
     
  10. LonelyWoman

    LonelyWoman New IL'ite

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    Wow, you all are amazing at making me feel good and understanding my situation. I agree with Rihana that the situation may not be so dire (not 100% sure as my h may want to break up some day just to prove his point) but my h does make most situations appear dire with his stonewalling and negativity. Once we have patched up, we go back to normal banter. Funny thing is I never think I should have probably married someone else because for me the intellectual compatibility we have has always been first and foremost.

    But yes, my handle describes me well as I am often lonely. Why?
    - I am an ENTP for those who believe in MBTI and Entps can be the loneliest people in a weird sense because no one seems to understand us or so we think
    - Married to an ISFJ which makes things worse
    - On top of that his ego prevents him from being expressive, apologising even when he is wrong or showing in any way that he needs me
    - Not that I am much better. I wall off myself too in some ways although I am a positive person by nature. In fact, no human being knows as much about my real life as you all do in 3 posts so you can imagine!
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2020

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