Weird problem, pls help me.,.

klniha · Dec 4, 2013

Hi,
Little background, we are married for 4.5 yrs with a young kid. My husband and I used to have lots of fights in the initial years of marriage, so much so that I thought we wouldn't last 3 yrs, but we did and things have gotten much much better now. He is very attached to his parents and I am to mine. His mom has been very mean with her comments, nasty to me and never caring or affectionate but she is very intelligent, she doesn't act so before my husband. Now Ive gotten smart too, instead of worrying so much about her comments and behavior, decided to give it back to her whenever she talks nasty and that has brought some peace to me and little control to her tongue. I don't call her except when she asks for me when talking to my husband.

I used to talk to my mom everyday. When I and DH fight, he used to say you talk to your mom everyday, I don't speak everyday and even then you have issues etc (I never said I had issues but maybe he knows the vibes). He kept saying that and I started feeling conscious and found other ways to talk to her like calling card etc where he couldn't check online. He used to check online whenever we fought and used to relate my talks to my mom as the problem. Its been a year we fought about this but still its in my mind and I am affected and don't call her from landline unless once a week and also keep lying to him that I only talk to her once a week. While he on the other hand, talks to his parents once every 2 days or so. He doesn't share whats going on, like critical things etc. If sometimes I am present while he is talking, he talks again when I am not there. I feel bad, he is doing how he likes but I have to lie saying I am not talking to my mom or call by other means. He also doesn't tell me he is calling, he just picks the phone and calls and I shud understand he is talking to his parents( he has no one to call except parents and bro).

Now another issue is I am not comfy with him talking to his parents so often, I mean ppl usually call once a week, this guy everytime he finds time he calls his mom. Its irritating as if he doesn't have any other life and extremely dependent on her.
I call my parents twice a week now, but girls usually call parents often than boys. Its atleast understandable if he loops me in sayng there were some issues at home so I am in touch etc. on the other hand his bro doesn't call at all for months together.

What do I do to comfort myself?

KP55 · Dec 4, 2013

I suggest just ignore it when he calls his parents. However, if his parents are interfering with your day-to-day routine or if he is starting fights with you over something his mom says; then you have to say something.

If you ignore him for sometime, you will soon find that he will give up talking that regularly himself. Keep yourself busy around the house, ask about how his mom and dad are doing when he does call.

As much as you may hate this, but you can call his mom randomly on your behalf without telling him; just small talk "hello or hi". That's all. Once he hears that you called by yourself, he will be delighted and probably slowly change. But again, don't let them run your life, especially if she had been mean to you in the past. Just keep it cordial.

sweetshreya · Dec 4, 2013

There was no need to cut calls to your mom. And also there was no need to compare how much he calls his mom. Where did it end? He calls whenever he wants, but you have to lie. Sad !!

Start calling your mom more often again. And openly. Say that you felt like calling and hence you did. No more explanation required. And completely ignore when he calls or whatever he says to his parents.

Visu2k · Dec 4, 2013

The worst thing that one can do to their marital relationship is to involve parents in personal matters. You can keep communicating with your mom but ensure that the conversations remain general and not related to matters between you and your husband.

From experience, I can tell you that keeping parents out of your domestic affairs will improve things. If there is a reason to fight, it will be only you and him that will, keeping any potential damage contained.

I can understand involving parents or seeking outside help, when it relates to marital abuse or when things spiral out of your control. Otherwise it is better to keep matters concerning your husband and you, strictly personal.

Take your husband on board and make a resolution with him, that any issues that arise between you both should be resolved mutually and that parents should not be involved.

Harithag · Dec 5, 2013

My husband used to call his parents everyday,but it was just a casual talk.When I was newly married,it irritated me ,later I found that I'm not thinking right and started to let it go.Now we are abroad and also busy he calls only once and I call them once.

dont think about it.ignore it and see the difference.

zainabsarfraz · Dec 5, 2013

as long as inlaws are not interfearing in your lives and its just about number of times your DH is calling them just ignore it.
Act maturedly when ever he cals his parents move away from the place give him his space and dont ask about the cal unless he tells you about it. And you too dont mention about the cals you make to your family.