Ways to take care of elderly parents back in India?

Like one member mentioned, we can provide them with options and let the parents decide whether they should live with us or whether they want to live alone.

 

In my point of view.. there are many angles we can look at this problem and I think it all depends on family situations, family background, present situations of son/DIL, Daughter/SIL and parents and above all our attitute and our parents attitude. As our friend said,

The above said lines are 100% true. unless we practically face the situation , we cannot say how far we can take care of our parents. Even though we want to make our parents happy and keep them in safe environment with good medical attention from time to time , financial support, moral support, but sometimes situations dont favour us to fulfil their needs. Life is different when we facing it practically.

I know one of my friend living in US, her FIL is bed ridden in US and her two elder brother in laws did some service for sometime, but couldnot prolong due to following reasons.
a. one elder brother in laws health is not cooperating to look after his father and he has his own responsibilities with their grown up children studies, marriages etc.
b. all the three brothers(two living in India and one is my friends DH living in US) got the differences why only they should take the pain when the younger is in US even though he is supporting financially.

there is no solution for this problem and finally they decided to put him in old age home , ofcourse giving moral support, financial support to that old man.

So, it all our situations that will rule.

please give your or your known experiences here.

 

hi ladies,

me and my husband were thinking about this for a very long time and finally we have decided to go back to India this yr just for this reason and be with them in their last days which cannot be compensated by money.

 

Dear Pooja and friends,

Happiness and Sunshine

Just today I became a member of IndusLadies and I like it here!
Went through some of the discussions and was happy yet sad to see the concern you all share for your elderly parents, some in India while you are abroad,some in different cities and some simply unable to connect with their children due to emotional and familial issues.I am happy that we are all concerned about the well being and happiness of our dear parents who have given so much of themselves to bringing us up.I am sad because as you all rightly point out, we as children would like to do more for them,as in pamper them, make them smile, tell them in various ways that we care (and not just through material things)for them.

I am a Sociologist and as an individual am extremely fond of elders and love to spend time with them,chatting with them,singing and reading to them, reminiscing their life stories (and boy! do they have stories to tell!)

Well, year before last after much sociological research on the "empty-nest-syndrome' I sat down and started work on a (registered)service provider which I called THYAG-The Happy Young Active Grandparents.THYAG in Sanskrit means to Renounce, the idea being that at THYAG the happy active grandparents/elders renounce feelings of anxiety and depression due to lack of company and personal caring.On the instruction of the kid/grandchild, I provide services to the elderly at a cost borne by the kids.It gives me great pleasure and is a source of satisfaction to the children away from their parents.

Am attaching details of the Facebook Page and Group.See if this is what you all are looking for.I would highly appreciate your queries and feedback, suggestions on the same. Happiness and Sunshine.Praachi Tewari Gandhi.

 

If the elderly parents are willing to join their children, wherever they are, they should be with them. It is the children's responsibility to take care of them at the fag end of their parents' life.

If they are not willing to travel abroad and live with their kids, then we should honor the decision of the parents and monetarily support them from abroad.

If they are not able to join the children or if they are too old or sick to join their children abroad, then

· one can think of moving back to support them temporarily or permanently
· One can have some relatives live with them in their house to help them in their day to day activities and children can visit them periodically.

This third case is like a toddler stage, where they really need us there or they need a very caring and trustworthy person or persons taking care of them in their children’s absence in their own home.

Any choice (Sending them to Ashram/elderly home) other than the above is very difficult to digest & parents will regret now & the children will regret later when they realize they had an opportunity to take care of a longing soul & blew it...

When I hear the words ‘Children sending parents to Ashram/elderly home or sending money’ from ILites…I am deeply hurt and disappointed .It is just like your parents sending you to an orphanage when they have the wherewithal to shower you in luxury. I may be old school but they are our parents…you need to be there for them when they need you…There should be no other choice.Period.

 

This a very old thread but I hope I get some answers or suggestions...Iam in such a situation now. Iam deeply disturbed, nobody can understand my situation ...so iam seeking help here...Even if this is too long I need some place to vent out...If possible please take time to read this to the end and give me suggestions...

Iam the only daughter of single parent. I live abroad and my mom in india. She is 63 years old now.My parents divorced when I was 10, stayed with my mom till 16 before moving out of town for studying. Always had a difficult relationship with my mom. Was closer to my dad till he expired when I was 17.

As a baby I stayed with my fathers mom for the first 5 years of my life.- parents were in another town due to jobs and would visit me for annual vacations. Still rem'ber some cold discriminations done by my grandmom between me (kid of her least fav son) and other more favoured grandkids who would come with their parents. Some memories still linger in my mind - and Iam 33!!! - I have some memory!

The story behind staying with my dad's mom was bcos my mom had a strained relation with her. She didnt come to see me when I was born and said she didnt want to have anything to do with me. So, mom inorder to teach her a lesson - left me with her and boarded the train to another town! My mom's sister and mom said they would take care of me, but my mom wanted to teach her mil a lesson.- So, my care giver was chosen - a person who didnt want me!

My parents came back and took me with them when I was 5 years old. Everyday was constant fighting, quarreling, tears etc etc till they divorced when I was 10.

My mom took me to stay with her - and the abuse started - everyday cursing with the most filthiest language, beatings- chappals, belts, brooms - was beaten like a dog most days of my life!! Stabbed me on the hand with a knife twice - threw curries and steel glasses on my head- most unimaginable things! Told me she wished I died and didnt want me..I survived it all somehow- i dont know how- I attempted suicide twice- took rat poison - didnt take enough- didnt have the courage to end my life- thought of running away somewhere - was **** scared....Would confide in my best friend who is my best friend till today---had nobody else to turn to for help..

My mom would come back from office everyday - sleep till 5, get up and walk off to some neighbour or friend - n stay there till 9 or10 in the night (causing them inconvenience). Come back make me cook dinner - rem'ber I was just 1o-11..If the food didnt turn out good she would make me eat the whole sabji. Then in the morning I was expected to get up sweep the house, mop the floor, clean vessels and fill water for the whole day, throw the garbage, take bath n rush to school...She would make bfast and lunch which was rice with a veg - no questions asked- eat u like or not like.

She would constantly remind me not to go with my father as he would kill me and that he was a bad guy etc. And then when she would meet her friends, she would say- " I have told her she can go with her father if she wants - I dont want her with me- she can go" As a 10 year old I felt very insulted and sad as an unwanted child - this kept on happening till i was 12 when I broke down in front of one of her friends.I never saw my dad after that - she blocked his attempts at wanting to meet us.

And in the meanwhile my mom has been fighting with her sisters, brother, parents, neighbours, her office colleagues so much so that nobody bothers about her...everybody keeps a safe distance from her.
I was good at studying , so focused all my energies on studying, got good marks, got into good courses and god blessed me with a good job. Then
I had a love marriage. had some issues with my in-laws till my hubby "matured"

My mom from the beginning of the marriage, in fact after a month or so started that she wanted to come and stay with us- at that time we were in india in a diff town. Later when we had our baby we moved to our hometown. Then I asked her to come and stay with me in between- whenever you want come and stay here! - My mom packed her bags, hired a moving company and moved in with All her stuff! I kept telling her not to but didnt listen to me!! My husband was abroad at that time and so she probably thought it was a good opportunity to be with us!- My mom doesnt have much friends as i said before.

And then it began again. First she started fighting with my fulltime maid- after I packed her off, she started fighting with me - to the point she started shaming me- We lived in a penthouse in the best locality in town. To show other people - like watchman, maids etc- she started sleeping on the terrace floor , would not eat food, sit near the dustbin and just eat fruits- a cousin bro from her side came visiting us then, he asked me to throw her out for her behavior..Being my mother I couldnt do anything about it. I thought I was stuck for life...It was a festival day, my babies 1st - my mom sits in the hall not eating food and looking with anger at us- I went to her and told her mummy please get up, its my babies 1 st festival, lets be happy, please eat food, she doesnt listen and sits there like a statue. So I decided to go to my in-laws house. I went with my baby and we had a good time.

Then my hubby came back from abroad and we used to visit my in-laws - whenever we visited my in-laws she would create a ruckus which we ignored, then she started making stories so that I would fight with my in-laws. I thankfully had the commonsense to see through it and my hubby is very supportive.

We thought we were stuck with her for life, I prayed for a way out and gladly god sent her transfer to another town!!! I still believe in Miracles!!
Then thankfully while she was there we moved abroad. Now she has retired and wants to come stay with us forever.

I brought her here abroad twice in the last 3 years just bcos she is alone not bcos of love. Last time she came we had a fight and she started behaving her crazy self - no eating, drinking, not looking at our faces and to top it all- when a family friend came visiting - she started crying in front of them( a few minutes back she was smiling with us and posing for photographs - it was my 2nd baby's naming day) - so evident that she wanted to make us look bad in front of others...She came to stay with us for 3 months both times- but she wants to be here forever now...Bcos of her unreasonable behavior starting again we sent her back giving some excuses. But she knows in her mind that she was sent back.

So now that she is back, she has started speaking bad about me and my husband to all people around- friends, family and even strangers! She says that "my daughter is having a good life- so now she doesnt bother about me- doesnt take care of me etc" I call her regularly, sent her money and have my best friend visit her often. Also in the last 3 years she came here 2 times and we went there once. But she apparently is now bent on creating a bad name for me and my husband. Sometimes I feel, she is jealous of me...I have a lot of baggage. I want to make sure, she is safe and healthy but I cant let her sow sadness into my life the way she did it before.

The point is except my friend nobody knows about her relationship with me - others think of me as monster who was taken care by her mother ( and my mom has the audacity to say that she looked after me so well) after my dad left us and now Iam not keeping her with me! iam not that and I dont want her to keep doing this. I dont know what I will do with her. Please help with suggestions! I tried for a girl to stay with her at night - someone we know- she says that ur mom is always shouting and angry- I cant stay with her! Nobody who knows her wants to be near her...She has actually become such a trouble! She doesnt have any friends or relatives to visit - she has fought them all offf!!

Please help me- how to resolve this situation!

 

It is obvious your mom has way too much going on...you can't change her. Nor are you accountable to the those who talk about you. Don't get guilt tripped into anything...is she in a safe place to live? That is all you can do for her.

It is not a one way street...she too has a role to play in her welfare.

 

Old age home?

 

I want to know what best can we do to help my mom feel better....My dad along with my brother and his wife are ignoring my mom completely and she is not having a good health, i feel so helpless as i am a mom of two and working in US. My hubby is also concerned about his parents and we both really want to do something. But at the same time, its not the luxury or money that is stopping us ....we want to give our children the best....we r so confused. Also if i go to India now, i have to live my In-laws and even if my hubby says ok for my mom to come live with us...it'll be difficult as it won't go good with inlaws and my mom all under one roof....life would be more miserable....and my hubby doesn't want to leave his parents to his brother.......I can clearly see that my mom is losing her health and falling sick so very often...she has no one to help her. She has few more years and i want to take care of her......My sis not keeping good health herself can't do anything towards my mom. Gals tell me some ways to do it.......I want my mom really have a relaxed few years atleast now as she has a selfish husband and even more selfish son. And me ( even more selfish ) and my sis (helpless), just talk about it all the time and do nothing to change things.........

 

Dear All,
Anvayaa Kin Care - There is a startup which has come up with a solution by offering a 360-degree care to the Seniors at their doorsteps who live independently from their children. Also, provide peace of mind to both seniors and their children.
One Stop Parent care solution.

Visit the website www.anvayaa.com