was that the right decision?

sandybeaches · Apr 28, 2014

about a month back my mom and me were talking on phone, a typical conversation with my mom goes like this
mom: white colour really suits her
me: yes white colour really suits her
mom: white doesn't suit her at all, how dare you say that white colour suits her
me: but mom I am simply repeating what you said
mom: I never said anything like that, its all made up in your head
me: mom pls don't call me mad
my mom is really manipulative, then I am depressed for 2-3 days after this incident.
last phone call went beyond that, after the above conversation my BP became low and I started bleeding profusely from nose ( I was still on phone) still my mom would not say something to pacify me. Thank god my dd was not witness to this.
After this incident I went through all the posts in this section and got a lot of comfort in knowing that I am not alone.
My dh is a nice person but given to fits of rage. I need atleast some place of comfort.
I decided that day not to call my mom more than once in 15 days and not talk more than 5-10 mins( its a monologue anyway, she is least interested in me)
Was that decision correct?

sandybeaches · Apr 28, 2014

no reply? hmmm

chillbreeze · Apr 28, 2014

Sandy...though you can't severe ties with mom completely, its best to maintain some distance if you are being affected by her. I don't see anything wrong with your decision. And she can always call you if she needs you.

sharon8 · Apr 28, 2014

Hi Sandybeaches,

I can empathize with you girl. My mother can be difficult as well, cynical, repetitive and demanding towards us. Nothing or nobody is good enough for her. I just keep praying hoping that her attitude would change at some point. However, she is my mother and I am always defensive about her. I try to look at things from her point of view although this is very hard! She has been the reason for where I am just now and I always respect her for what she has done for me.
Hugs and prayers to u...

sandybeaches · Apr 28, 2014

Yes I do have some things to be thankful to my mom for I have fantastic skin thanks to my mom as she never cooked so I grew up on a diet of fruits and milk and I was scrawny as a result so I had the added benefit of being called a" walking corpse" instead of my name.

1Sandhya · Apr 29, 2014

1. Prepare a list of noncommittal phrases. I will help yo with the first few.
1. Hmm.
2. Really?
3. Ah.
4. Is it?
Add to this list as you find more. Make a big list, about 15 -20 phrases. The phrases should indicate both agree and disagree or neither. Then use each by turn as a reply when you talk to her for the 5-10 minutes. That will tide you over.

2. Yes, you need at least some place of comfort. Looks like your mom is not that place. So first of all stop thinking about her. Next find such a relaxing or comforting place for yourself. Explore an activity (writing, painting, dancing, walking, a sport) to vent the feelings and treat yourself regularly whenever you feel down with mani-pedi, spa or whatever else that relaxes you like a movie or calms you down like meditation. Once you do this consistently, the need to call your mom and consequently be hurt by her will disappear.

kanthtx · May 5, 2014

hi sandy beaches..
I sympathize with ur situation... not to have a compassionate parent is the hardest thing a person can go thru in one's life.. the mental abuse that goes on is not some thing easy to handle with...

1) u have made the right decision in restricting ur chats with ur mom.. once in 15 days if possible.. that's the right thing... ultimately she is ur mom, and as such u can't cut her off completely...

2) try to keep ur conversation third party and minimal...

3) u need to do some meditation... seriously it will help u.. do this atleast for 15-20 mins every day.. I don't want to sound like a baba for preaching.. but just from personal experience I am sharing this with u... it will help u gain peace and sanity in ur mind...

4) u also need to find some support person or group for u.. either friends or some relatives or an online friend whom u can share ur troubles... just by talking and sharing, having a ear who can listen to u itself is a simple cure... by speaking out u can reduce the stress atleast to some extent...

5) get a professional help if u can.. u need to see an expert if possible.. nothing to be ashamed of.. it will help u better urself...

good luck....

Lilipad · May 10, 2014

Sandy what you did was the right thing to do , but if your mom is old (60+ years) , then its pretty normal for people to not know what they are doing (talking or otherwise)..

I face similar situations with a lot of my relatives and have gotten immune to it now ...Just don't take it seriously