1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Want To Go Abroad..how To Convey & Convince?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Reesha, Dec 29, 2020.

  1. AppuMom

    AppuMom Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    270
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP ,Plan and work towards your dream career/travelling abroad.No one should have regrets in life later that they didnt try to fulfill one's dreams.Some families still have old mindset about women working or travelling for work.I wouldnt say this is Indian culture since we see plenty of women work in all sectors in India.Its just a family thing ,so convince your family , discuss pros and cons.Its a long path,they might not want to change but still you can try and follow your dreams
     
  2. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,119
    Likes Received:
    1,256
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I understand your pain and why you want to go abroad...
    Your situation is indeed frustrating...
    As a person stuck with in-laws sincerity one year due to Covid, I get lot of negative thoughts and feel frustrated..,
    It gets worse when the spouse doesn’t respect you for the financial and physical support provided by you...
    And I have indeed seen many of my relatives enjoying their freedom as they settled abroad..in most cases the in laws would visit only for short stays and go back as American or other foreign country culture wasn’t of their liking or they got bored and lonely...
    The couple sends money home, the in laws live with their other children or alone with cook, maid, helper , maintenance expenses taken care of partly by them selves if financially independent and supplemented by funds from foreign earning kids..
    Among my contemporaries, really can see the freedom and privacy that my friends and cousins settled abroad have...no pesky interfering in laws, personal and professional freedom, they dress as they like and aren’t bound by traditions and don’t have to slog for each and every religious occasion, can love their life the way they want, can share chores according to their wish...
    I too envy them..
    They’re spared of the day to day aspects of living and adjusting with inlaws ...
    But I can also see the problems faced by my relatives settled in US,
    Like healthcare very expensive, and if someone is having major health issue they have to spend a lot..
    Childcare if kids are small...they’ve to depend on expensive day cares unless they have a reliable nanny...
    Lack of proper domestic helps as it’s too expensive...
    High cost of living...
    Home sickness..
    Freedom from in laws but unable to meet parents and siblings and friends......unavailable to parents in case of any emergency situation..
    If they want to come back and settle in India, many factors to be considered like wellpaying job equivalent pay is there or not in India, kids schooling and adapting to new syllabus, etc.
    If you have a goal pls work towards it, by all means, and try to settle abroad if it will bring you happiness, and at the same time consider the pros and cons of settling in the particular country before you take up any job offer .
     
  3. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    540
    Likes Received:
    669
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    some real things be ready to deal in abroad atleast in USA . this is just my opinion. i am not adding anything or giving views about how much spouse support is or not is.

    Fun part - if you have support from spouse . and plan time well. it is awesome :) :)

    . can goto gym , dance, hot yoga. use your imagination
    can plan road trips , outings. date nights . drop the kids in friends home
    make and save money , but need to plan very well.

    boring reality
    . no maid - so be ready to deal with cooking and cleaning all the time. yep occasional order or regular order but need to have that extra cash to handle
    washing clothes - some apartments have in home washer , but some have common. if you have common, be ready to lift weight back and forth
    need to buy groceries - driving and pickup.

    now kids - again depends on which state you move , apartments - more indians or not
    less friends - so you have to put extra effort in library , classes - pick drop, extra socializing on play dates
    weather - if east coast - 4 months summer , then all different
    after care - if both are working
    a. need to find day care or home based. need to pick up in time if day care.

    when kids are sick. no one will take care. need flexibility to take work from home

    work - if both are full time and earn well , good.
    immigration : again visa specific
    commute . need to plan well , who drops the kids to school and who picks. manage meetings
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2021
  4. satchitananda

    satchitananda Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    17,656
    Likes Received:
    25,529
    Trophy Points:
    590
    Gender:
    Female
    OP, I can very well understand your indignation at the treatment by the mil and her darling mama's boy. You seem to be surrounded by people who have very fixed ideas of gender roles and my impression is that you resent it.

    You want to get away from them all and go abroad in the hope of a more egalitarian life - I suppose you want to go en famille (with your husband and kids). You will certainly be rid of your ILs and not have to deal with your parents who might not support your desire to work (is it their own opinion or do they say that to pacify your ILs and their precious male child), but the question is will that "child" pitch in equally when you are abroad? Old habits (especially convenient ones) die hard. If you go there and he does not, you will be left holding your job, your responsibilities (read your children, your mil's child and yourself) all on your own. Domestic help is extremely expensive abroad. Definitely you wont have your mil pitching in to defend her young one when she perceives that he has been 'attacked' by an 'aggressive female' but that will be about it.

    I think a couple of other members have given you a very clear picture of how life abroad will be.

    This is certainly not to discourage you from considering life abroad. Just trying to put things in perspective.

    1. Will your husband be willing to move out of the chatr-chaya of his matoshri?
    2. If not, are you willing to go on your own?
    3. What about the kids?

    If you still want to go, you could consider countries like Canada, though the process is not so quick. However, it is not impossible. They have a point system which you could check out and you might have to learn French. I don't know how welcome Indians are in Australia, though I suspect NZ could also be a possible destination. Definitely don't fall for traps like the 'job ad' given above in an attempt to troll.

    Wish you all the best, whatever your decision and whichever course your life takes.
     
    SCA, shravs3, lavani and 2 others like this.
  5. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes definitely there are pros and cons of everything but then you can work physically little extra when u dont have to deal with mental trauma which is definitely more in India..plus certain thingz like career prospects and quality of Life are definitely better abroad..OP i will encourage u to give it a try and carefully choose the country you want to go to..Dont let it b just a thought or a vent..Things are definitely better abroad when we consider the blockages we see in India and the freedom to work and earn.What you are Looking and asking for..definitely u will get abroad if u choose a country considering all pros and cons..But i would like to add that its very sad that we at 30s and 40s are looking for freedom which we should get by this age. We are not free to give the kind of life we want to have and givse to our kids.:confundio1:
    .
     
    Hopikrishnan likes this.
  6. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    689
    Likes Received:
    757
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Male
    I read the OP's vent as "I want to run away from it all".

    A midlife crisis, that happens when there are too many demands, and one feels like one has no control over one's own life or even a fews days within a life.

    This happens when there is no spousal support so as to make the couple stand together, each protecting the sanity of the other, against the ***tstorm the collective family throws at them.

    It is much harder to run away from home when one is older, have children, and other emotional entanglements. If the OP has to learn any foreign language at all, it is the one that is comprehensible to her husband so that she can have him be a real supporter of whatever she wants to do.

    Looked to me that the OP wants PEACE, and some time for herself to be happy and sane.
    Tell me I am wrong, and post your contra-views.
     
  7. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,241
    Likes Received:
    2,275
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    OP- there is nothing wrong in wanting to advance your career and have a peaceful few years.

    My understanding is that you want to work abroad for a few years and then return to home country. Is it possible that your company could send you abroad? Look into this option. Once you have a transfer/ job, most likely the family will come around.

    Moving to a country with PR (Canada, Australia etc.) is possible. The consulting firms can help you determine your eligibility and points. However, you will need a good IELTS score. This route will need to have your husband onboard since you are making a permanent decision (you can always change your mind and go back).

    Good luck!
     
    drdiva, Sreevidyaa and satchitananda like this.
  8. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,119
    Likes Received:
    1,256
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes true..this kind of feeling of wanting to run away is common when stuck in a difficult situation without any support..
    Even if elders like in laws cause problems, it’s expected that the spouse is supportive and helpful and respectful..when that doesn’t happen I don’t blame the OP for thinking the way she does now...
    Many times I envy the married couples living both in India and abroad who dont have inlaws living with them...
    I’m so damn over worked and exhausted and stressed with all the physical work and adjustments i have to do extra when in laws are here...and only hear complaints in return...my husband doesn’t have even 1% respect for me and keeps getting irritated and scolding me for small things...and it’s not even a short stay that I’ve to grin and bear it..it’s a long term stay of in laws...many times I too think how life would have been if I had married an NRI.
     
  9. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    689
    Likes Received:
    757
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Male
    Being an NRI, living with his nuclear family in some foreign country, does not necessarily make a guy supportive, helpful and respectful.
    In a tragicomic manner, in-law harassment can come online from India. After all, we are good at porting so many other business processes where "services" can be done online.
     
    Thyagarajan and drdiva like this.
  10. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    57
    Likes Received:
    83
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    If you want to go try it. Right now might not be easy due to covid but later can try. Most of the people go there for earning but it should be with your husband support as well. If not it’s going to be tough. In laws can cause trouble even when overseas but the daily stress is less but if your husband isn’t supportive living overseas is going to be hard. Everything depends on how the couples manage their life.
     
    Thyagarajan likes this.

Share This Page