Want To Be Calm And Relaxed But How Is That Possible With A Difficult Mil?

Hi kenny,

I hope you are feeling better today. You're going through a lot, physically, mentally and emotionally. We understand it's a lot to deal with. When we are sad, we stop thinking logically and let our emotions control us. I know you are reading the posts of other wonderful ladies here, but I don't think you have considered taking an action yet. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I feel like I've gone through what you're going through right now.

You have to take one step at a time. Deal with today only, and not think about what will happen in the future. I know you need your parents support, but it's not good for their and your self respect to be at your home right now. You have to sort out your mess, before involving them in the situation. You can visit them for a month when the doctor allows you. Take this opportunity to take steps to get stuff sorted. There is nothing wrong in feeling sad, but you cannot let the sadness overcome your life. Be confident, be yourself. Somebody here mentioned a "medium chill" technique. I read up on it and it's a great way to deal with your situation. here's the link I refereed to: Medium Chill

Please take the time to practice this technique. The idea is to become boring and uninteresting so that you are not giving any food to your mil's thoughts. If you keep up with this facade of being unresponsive to her drama, she will eventually back out. Again, somebody else mentioned not to be dependent or yearn for your husband's love. I understand being married, we all want that intimacy and quality time with our husbands. Unfortunately, it doesn't come that easy. Even more worse, you cannot make it happen. The more you try, more distant your husband will become. Let him give all his attention and time to his mother, and you can step away for some time. Focus on yourself. Find avenues to keep yourself busy. Whatever you want to do, don't let the thoughts of your husband and mil drift you away in a world of sadness. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere. it's better than doing nothing. Eventually you'll get good at it. Make this life about yourself and your kid, not about your mil and husband. from what I've read, your mil at least takes care of your child. Although she teaches her negative things about your family, but trust me, kids know better. She will ultimately know what's up. Show her good times with your family without any emotional drama and she will like them as well.

It'a a lot of work, but you will get there. Good Luck!

 

Medium Chill is awesome, I have used it. My therapist told me to do this but never tagged it as medium chill. This is exactly what I did to make my IL leave me alone and for my DH to see their true colours, I stopped engaging and it enraged them more and more, so much so that they would say really mean things about my child and me to my DH and he thought they were crazy, basically the dug their own grave and I handed them the shovel. This will also work for you. Give them no interest or reaction and they will move on, and that way your DH can't pick on you.

 

Hi sunshine, my mil shouts and if i use medium chill , she feels very comfortable and shouts more and more . Did you have thissituation. My dh will never have a problem with this as he grew up getting shouted all the time

 

Op, they seem merciless . i can understand how you feel and how your mother would feel. Once your parents leave , take complete rest . let mil do everything . tell that you are tired and take rest . listen good songs , play with your dd , do some art or read books , write blog etc . basically divert yourself totally from your hubby and mil
You said that your child got brainwashed and not talking to your mom . dont worry about it . my aunt had done same thing to her granddaughtee by telling bad things about other grandma . now the child is in middle school . she understood that her mom is being ill treated and stopped talking to my aunt

 

HI if your MIL shouts on you, let her, tell her you are leaving the room and will talk to her when she calms down, or if she is really irate, jut leave the room, move away, don't yell back, if you keep doing this and show no interest to her yelling most likely she will stop. And if your DH can't stop her, then tell him he can listen to her, and walk away and go out or go to your room. She will stop guaranteed.

 

Had gone through this .
I had only one solution. Both set parents should not be together . let mil take care of you . Let your parents go to their house . You dont strain yourself with physical work
Ican understand how you feeling with your hubby behaviour . but solution is not begging for love or fighting with him .As of now ignore him . how old is yyour child . play some board games with her . you try some puzzles, sudoku, read some blogs , books . Do whatever your like .
After sometime , you can think about how to enjoy with hubby . what common interests you both share . some guys dont like nagging wife . They want wife to tell , i m missin you . they dont like to hear- ' spend some time with me . you have been sitting all day with your mom ' .
I feel that the more we beg for lovre , the more they will go away from us

 

Dear OP, I agree with Cliona. I am reading a book called " Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life". You can get it from Amazon. It is helping me deal with a borderline narcissit ILs slowly. These people are very difficult to change unless a life changing event happens in their own lives. Until then atleast I am guarding my soul from constant hurt, criticism and comparison done at home at the hands of mean MIL. Just remember, they are extremely lonely and insecure in their own mind that they feel this constant urge to undermine everything that you do. They get a temporary sadistic pleasure by insulting you. Please do not let it hamper your physical and emotional recovery. It will take some time to recover from the past hurt . Your DH isn't supporting you visibly because just imagine how he lived through his childhood and young life under the shadow of a toxic narcissistic mother. HE will take a long time to realize this. If possible, give him a book called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life". IT might help him see her clearly.

In my case, MIL is extremely deceitful. She keeps her narcissism covered very well under the fake appearances in front of DH and FIL. It is her way to showcase to the family that I do not like her. But luckily FIL and DH have known her long before I came into the picture. My DH literally ran away from a toxic home 10 years ago, he is now very optimistic and full of life. But he tend to fall under the influence of his mom's mean thinking when she visits us here and tries to spend time with him. My only solution is not give her a chance to talk trash/ criticize anyone. We have given her a separate room and a TV here and she is happy getting sadistic pleasures from crap sas-bahu dramas on desi channels. When she wants to spend time with DH, I make it a point to make it a family setting- a movie/ dinner/ fun times. If nothing else, I stay in the same room that she is in with DH. She has taken over our bedroom already but I do not let her sit and crib with DH in the living room. It is our family room. Absolutely no drama is allowed in our household when she visits. When she starts jabbering anything negative about anyone or anything, I understand that her toxic button is on. That time DH and I try to change the topic altogether and watch our own non -desi TV show. She gets so bored and irritated living a sane and normal happy life here with us that she wants to go back in like 2 months and create some action filled drama back home.

Hang in there sweetheart, your life is too precious to waste even few minutes on insecure people. Coming to this forum has also helped me a great deal. Try to enjoy some Me Time- go to spas, join gym, hobby classes or do something that keeps you happy and involved. Let DH realize that you can have a good time away from him as well. Once he realize that you are not dependent on him or does not need his time to stay happy, he will atleast try to take some time out to be with you. But remember, he should realize it. If you demand, he will not pay much attention. His mom has always been demanding on him all this time, he expects less demands from you as a wife. At least that is what I understood from my DH. HE wants his space and freedom, especially to recharge his mind often when his mom visits.

Hope you feel better soon.