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Want To Be Calm And Relaxed But How Is That Possible With A Difficult Mil?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kenny, Jun 10, 2016.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi all!!
    I am a very old member here but off late have not been posting much due to certain health issues though time and again i have been reading your posts here...
    Updating you briefly is that my mil is a v shrewd woman who just thinks about herself and is v selfish and self cenetred.Cant stand anyone coming to our house.She is not in good terms with any of her relatives or siblings...Says all are bad.The friends she roams about with ,she bitches about them too...In short she is the only lady who is so good in the entire planet and all others are v bad natured.
    On the other hand she is a singe mom.My FIL expired about 20 yrs back when my DH was 20.Has one daughter who is married and settled abroad.
    I have been married for around 8 yrs now.The main problem as i have always spoken is about her being over clingy to my husband and not giving any space and she being v rude and sarcastic to me since the beginning,always treating me like an outsider.That was always there in the initial years.I did try to bond with her but it was useless ,cox no matter what you do to he she will always find faults in you
    After having so much mental stress always i developed a rare illness where my body stopped producing any cells,and therefore my hoemoglobin used to drop every 2-3 weeks and i had to have blood transfusions.This happened after my baby was born 3 years back.it became severe 2 years back initially 1st year after my baby it was mild so i never needed transfusions but past 2 years i was transfusion dependant.But even though i had hb even 4.5 i used to do all my chores and take care of my baby completely and also used to go to work part time.
    My husband has no say about what his mom does.He has never supported me infront of her.I dont know but she kind of hypnotises him when he is at home.She would sit with him all the time and stick to him.keep bitching and problem is that he never tells me what crap his mom talks...So she just creates negativity about me and my family in him.and i can make out with his changed behaviour with me..He starts becoming distant.
    Finally i have had a marrow transplant a month back and therefore i am thankfull to God that i have become fine but i have to be careful for few months for a complete recovery and therefore cant go out neither i am allowed any visitors.i spent a month at the hospital which was v v tough but i am so thankful that it was worth it and God saved me.I would not deny that my husband was v supportive in this entire time during my transplant and used to encourage me a lot.It was his efforts to a great extent also which helped me in my moral boost.
    He is a v different person when his mom is not around..all this time we have developed a bond but somehow when his mom is around he changes which sucks me...
    His mom stays with us only since he is the only son and i know i cant think of living seperately since her son will never be ready.
    Only thing i want is peace of mind which im not getting.i want that i should not relapse after suffering so much and spending lacks of rupees.I want to heal completely and take care of my child and bring her up well...
    THough i am physically doing fine but again the same dramas have started by my mil.My parents are here to help.She doesnt do any work keeps lying down on her bed but still shows off that he is doing every thing.we have a cook and a maid for cleaning utensils and cleaning the home.So major work is done.But as soon as mu husb comes home her drams start...will show that sh is so vulnerable...she has pains here and there...though she is v active entire day.Then will take him to her room to apply creams and ointments on her legs and then starts with her bitching about me and my family.My husband thinks that my mom is so 'bechara'.She keeps complaining abot something or the other...she never wants a a good bonding between us since beginning as a result he also becomes distant.
    Problem is at this time i need a lot of love and emotional support which i am not gettng at all.
    i feel v v lonely.i have been waiting all these years that he will realise is mistake of not balancing out stuff but he hasnt.
    Besides my mil keeps saying bad things about my parents to my daughter as well.As a result she stopped talking to my mom and would get angry whenever she called her.we observed this for many days and i finally asked her who taught you this and she said 'dadi'.So she wants that my daughter should also move away from my parents and me.My mil is a saddist.
    I dont know what to do but i am not able to live peacefully.i cant go to my parents place cox dr needs to monitor me every 10 days for the first 4 months and they live in a diff city.else it would have been v easy for my peace of mind.
    I just want to be calm and relaxed and be happy...but how to overcome al this crap...i am sick and tired of this heartless woman....cany any one guide me plz.
    thanks for reading such a lengthy post.
     
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  2. whitedaisy

    whitedaisy Bronze IL'ite

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    start doing meditation. focus on your health more than MIL & hubby
    regarding badmouthing about parents, once my MIL also did this. So in front of my hubby and MIL I somehow brought up the topic casually and asked my daughter who said all these. She said my MIL name. So with surprise face I asked my MIL is it? though she denied everybody knew it.
    I said MIL don't say like that to my daughter.
    In my case it worked.
     
    SCk and sweetieangel like this.
  3. mcutiepie

    mcutiepie Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    Hugs to you for all you have suffered and i pray you are perfectly fit soon...

    Main problem with your MIL is that since she is alone (FIL no more, SIL living abroad), she feels insecure about her son and wants to keep him in control. It is not necessary that she is always bitching about you or your family but yes hubby not giving time is a problem.

    Have you tried discussing with your husband that you need time from him. You need to explain it to him that he needs to give attention to mom as well as you n your daughter. You might have to get this politely or rudely if politely not working. Also whatever time you get with your husband, try to make full out of it..
     
  4. SCk

    SCk Silver IL'ite

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    I feel the best thing for your health is to go stay with your parents n visit doc by car if its with in 3 to 4 hours travel.
    It should be fine.so you can have peace of mind n you can relax your body n soul.
    This will be only a temporary solution.
    Have you tried to explain your husband your state of mind and the problem. What s his solution?
     
  5. SCk

    SCk Silver IL'ite

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    Congrats on your bone marrow transplant n very happy to read that its taken off well. all the very Best of luck
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    If possible go to your parents' place. Let your parents do their best care on you without any interference. You too need a complete break from all these dramas.
    Forget about your home, your husband and your MIL's plans for now. Get yourself treated the most. Recover fully and allow others/parents to pamper you.

    Once your HB is on line, it will naturally boost your energy. Physical energy is one fundamental influence to your mental thinking.

    Accept your MIL, your husband and your marriage as they way it is. Don't compare it with other's life.
    Cherish what's good about it, and see how better you can work to improve the not so good part.

    Your MIL or husband are less likely to change. But you can change as a less dependent wife. You can have other priorities than yearning for your husband's love all the time.

    At least this will support your health system.
     
    cheenu123 and shobhamma like this.
  7. cliona

    cliona Silver IL'ite

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    Hi kenny.
    You have been through a lot. Looks like your mil is a narcissist. Please go through the net about narcissists. There are a lot of techniques like " medium chill " and " "robo mode" and "grey rock" which will improve your reaction and response for the mental stress which is unavoidable. See, you can't change them. Its better that you start thinking how you can change and protect your self.
    Knowledge is bliss. Get as much resources as possible. There are many people who have sailed in such boats. Lot of things are available in net.Study her in complete detail. And give a trial about which works for you.
    My fil is a narcissist. And they stay with us. My husband too is tied up with them just like yours. I went through a period of torture when my baby was born. My in-laws came with the pretext of helping me with the baby and made my life hell. I started losing myself. I was suffering from severe PPD which made it very unbearable at times. I was even thinking of extremes with a new born in my hand. Husband although good, always supports them. Daily arguments with fil. His thinking that he is always right ! I was his "narcissistic supply". It was hell. My mil is a co dependent lady. She is a good lady but very submissive to him . Slowly I started my own business which gave me an outlet to come out of that jail. Business is tough. So started learning a foreign language. Then started learning yoga. My baby was taken care by mil.
    I wanted to know why people behave the way they do ! And how to protect ourselves from getting affected. Net has helped me a lot. Today my in-laws still stay with us. Still fights and arguments happen. But I know how I should protect myself mentally. Although sometimes I give up and end up fighting like the old me.
    Believe me. Everything has solutions. We have to look for it.God tests us so that there are lessons for us to learn. I am sure time tells everything and you will definitely find peace. This too shall pass
    Take care
    Regards,
    Cliona
     
    blessings1010 and maroon like this.
  8. Vaniquest

    Vaniquest Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Kenny,

    Your motheri-in-law is extremely insecure. Nothing is going to change her. So please stop trying to be a part of this mother-son drama.

    Focus on your life and stop thinking about her. It doesn't matter whether your husband and MIL like your family or not. You go to your parents place and look after your health. That is more important than anything at this point.

    The only way to move forward to stop expecting them to change. Instead change yourself, because that is easy.

    I hope you recover soon.

    Vani
     
  9. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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  10. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    hi ladies,
    thank you all for your kind replies...many of you have suggested that i should go to my parents place and be at peace but i have already mentioned that i am supposed to visit my dr every 10 days and i am not allowed to go to a different city for the first few months.dr has not allowed me so.therefore i had called them here .they are also going n a weeks time,infact i want them to go because i cant bear my husbands and mils misbehaviour towards them.at least they will will be in their own home and be mentally relaxed.i will manage however i can.
    but i am too stressed feel like crying my heart out.but if i do my parents will feel im weak and not leave me...
    i have suffered so much and i feel this is endless .my mil will never change...i want to leave my home and go to my parents place for sometime...i dont want any interference but my health condition and my dr is not allowing..
    though im physically fine by Gods grace,im doing every thing what i used to do but i cannot go out bcoz of the risk of infection....
    my mil just waits for an opportunity to taunt at my parents for something or the other and my husb is blindfolded by his mom.i am so sick of this attitude...she doesnt do anything neither lifts a spoon...just needs everything on a platter...but will keep finding faults...as a result sometimes my mom answers back ...how long will she tolerate the drama...there is so much of negativity in my home that i cant tell u...i just dont feel like being here...dont feel like talking to husb bcoz he is v defensive for her...
    i am too sad today...help me God.
     
    ChandrikaV likes this.

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