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Violence In South Asian Marriages - Another Victim

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Aarushi, Jul 23, 2022.

  1. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    When is this culture going to change?!! I just read this. Not sure where to put it so mods, so sharing it here. This bright, beautiful woman was killed just this week and her family had been pleading with her not to leave this man! And this man was so entitled by his upbringing, culture and family that he could not accept that this woman had left him. I’m feeling sooo angry and helpless right now. And yes, this is bringing back some terrible memories and needed to vent. I saw her til told and she looked so full of life. RIP Sania Khan.
    South Asian Woman's Killing Sparks Community Reflection
     
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  2. curlytweethere

    curlytweethere Platinum IL'ite

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    My heart goes out to her. I hate her family for trying to talk to her into staying in an abusive and manipulative marriage. Hard as it is for us to recognize the signs of manipulation and have the courage to walk out. It is so hard when she recognized and this happens when trying to get out
     
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  3. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    Last week I said maybe it’s better to be in live-in relationship with American Man than married to an I Dian male.

    Now I’m wondering if a lady is better off offering her physical companionship like they do in Amsterdam. At least the lady gets to chose her clients, no forcing business!

    Really disgusting!
     
  4. lakshmi888

    lakshmi888 Silver IL'ite

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    Any relative or friend or family member or anonymous forum user who tries to reason out a person to wait and watch to continue in an emotionally or physically abusive marriage is earning a huge huge bad karma as sometimes even a day’s delay in divorcing / getting out of emotionally or physically abusive marriage can lead to a situation like this …

    best is to apply for divorce as soon as possible without notifying the abusive spouse and then not provide the new address to abusive spouse and not open the door if abusive spouse tries to visit in old house as it can lead to a situation like this case ..,

    My ex was extremely emotionally abusive( though never physically abusive ) and I applied divorce without notifying him ..


    I thank my lucky stars everyday and my family members , my parents who came as god sent Angels in my life to show me the true colors Of my emotionally abusive spouse and stood by me and helped me in applying for divorce … somewhere my Good karma saved me perhaps…

    I would not have achieved what I have achieved in my life had I stayed with my greedy jealous envious ex and his money hungry interfering family members whose greedy eyes were on my parents property !!
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2022
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    It cannot be denied that South Asian families can put a lot of pressure on young adult children to get married, have kids, or to stay on in an unhappy or abusive marriage. But in this particular case, we do not yet know anything other than what Khan shared in her TikTok videos before her untimely death and what her friends have been saying since.

    South Asian Woman's Killing Sparks Community Reflection
    She spoke about pushback from her community and family members not just about her decision to leave her marriage, but also about sharing her experience so candidly. “Going through a divorce as a South Asian woman feels like you failed at life sometimes. The way the community labels you, the lack of emotional support you receive and the pressure to stay with someone because ‘what will people say’ is isolating,” Khan wrote in a TikTok posted in June. “It makes it harder for women to leave marriages that they shouldn’t have been in to begin with.”
    I find it disturbing that based on a few one-sided lines in tiktok posts her family and ex-husband can be so easily vilified in the media.

    Maybe her family tried to persuade her to stay in the marriage, to give it more time, like a parent might tell a child to give college or a job another try. Or like a parent might meet a child in a coffee shop to gently say that her current partner is not a good choice. When Khan was firm in her decision to divorce, maybe they moved on to asking her not to post divorce stuff on tiktok? Do we really know how much and for how long they were against the divorce? Is it a sin if a parent is initially against child's divorce but comes around to the idea with time?

    Her marriage - how do we know her husband was abusive, manipulative etc? Maybe it was a simpler case of irreconcilable differences? As simple as he did not like her being on tiktok?

    Ex-husband: How do we know he was entitled and could not accept that she left him? Maybe he could accept the divorce but not the way she talked about their private life and issues on tiktok? Maybe it was agreed that tiktok would stop after marriage?

    He killed her. Is such killing limited to entitled South Asian men? Isn't it unfortunately quite common in all cultures for a spurned lover or spouse to do such drastic things?

    It is beyond sad that she died so young and the way she died. But why do we have to dump the wholesale blame on her family, community and ex? Maybe, just maybe, it ended like this only due to her posting all this on tiktok? Isn't it common wisdom to avoid social media during divorce?

    Until I know if her ex was abusive etc, I feel sorry for him too. A divorce initiated by the spouse is a tough time as it is, one doesn't need that spouse posting about it on social media as well. Maybe the loss of face in the community and at work or when job-hunting drove him to the extreme act of killing her and himself?

    Googling showed that documenting one's divorce on tiktok draws lot more views than other videos and it is a trend. One learns something new everyday, I guess.

    Her father posted on her FB page about the funeral day and time. What a weekend to be planning your child's funeral and reading and watching what the whole world wants to say about so private a matter. How it must feel to read "a divorced daughter is better than a dead daughter."

    A vivacious young woman gets killed. Let's bring out the usual suspects of patriarchy, community, parents, backward South Asians, flog them, feel good after expressing outrage and back to routine. Why care about other possibilities? That's boring and too much work.



     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2022
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  6. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Are you serious? She made her plans to start a new life in a new city and he just couldn’t take it. He went to her house with a gun. He killed her and then he killed himself. And still you feel sorry for him and don’t want to blame him? I don’t understand you.

    Tik Tok and Facebook are not the problem here. Even if she hadn’t posted it he would have found out in some other way.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes, I am serious. I mean what I wrote in the post. Not what you have selectively quoted or your interpretation of it.

    He just couldn't take that she moved on in life OR that the circumstances of his divorce was all over social media? There is a difference between the two.

    I was myself surprised at my reaction to the story. So, I actually thought about it for a day or two before posting. I asked myself how would I feel if my child ever went through a divorce and its details were posted on social media against his/her wish. I wondered how my extremely private child would take it. It was a scary thought.

    I am not saying he got her city or address from tiktok / fb.

    Have you watched the TikTok videos? I have. Had to create an account and watch on desktop, not phone. Like I said, it is boring and takes time to look at all possibilities in such cases.

    The videos are not all about raising awareness of unsupportive South Asian families or highlighting how divorce is stigmatized. They are "before divorce" and "after divorce" (before one in a sober shirt and jeans, after one in a saucy dress). The hashtags are #divorceglow and so on.

    I am saying there is a possibility that her posting the divorce saga on Tik Tok played a part. Public humiliation can make people take drastic steps. There was an Indian origin nurse who was in the hospital staff when Kade Middleton was having a baby. Two newspaper reporters called pretending to be from the royal family, and she put them through to the new mom or something. The royal family was cool about the mistake. News of the prank call however went viral. The nurse (or whatever her job was) committed suicide a few days later, had young teen children.
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2022
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Wow! Taking advocacy for the devil to a new level.

    Posting tic- tocs about her pre and post divorce is justification for her murder? How dare she post about her happiness and relief from divorce. How dare she show her happiness to the world. She should be sad and quiet and shameful like a 'southasian ' divorced woman.

    Victim blaming to a new level...

    What could he or anyone else in his position have done?
    How about filling a case for defamation?
    How about going for therapy to deal with it ?
    How about ignoring it if she is not naming him ?
    How about going to social media to counter any allegation if made?

    He felt humiliated?
    Did he kill his father or mother or teacher or boss for any humiliation he might have encountered previously .
    I guess not. Because parents are for worshipping. Teacher and boss are authority figures. Wife /ex on the other hand is abusable , killable.

    His prestige in his society is effected ..so that is enough reason to be violent ? Because that is the biggest excuse in our 'south asian' cummunity to indulge in abuse and violence .

    Daughter talking to boy...kill her.
    Daughter marries out of caste...kill her.
    Wife leaves abusive home....go and kill her.
    Daughter elopes...kill
    Some other reasons to kill....food not made on time, argue with his mother, food not tasting good.

    Why does this happen so often? Is it not because of the entitlement of being a male in a patriarchal society? So why the issue in calling out the southasian community for this ?

    It is a southasian problem arising from the southasian patriarchal mindset that see women only as property of father,husband,son .It is a problem arising from the mentality that the men have a right to keep the women under check .
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2022
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  9. SuiDhaaga

    SuiDhaaga Platinum IL'ite

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    I wish I have posted on social media. Instead I deleted by FB account

    I even had the police reports too

    Males will always abuse women because society, including other women also allow for it

    I’m willing to bet if a girl or woman is being raped right in front of them, the girl or woman will be blamed and the rapist will be pampered because he made a mistake.

    How do we know the girl or woman did not lead him on? Why are we so quick to blame patriarchy? Maybe it was SHE who was doing the raping.

    and if the girl or woman gets angry she is told what is the purpose of getting angry, two wrongs don’t make a right. And always remain Chardi Kalal, I.e, keep smiling.

    Google the Delhi rape case and how the whole world condemned it but Indian politicians, including women blamed the Victim.

    well, we are all entitled to our opinions…..
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2022
  10. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I get where you are coming from. We have young adults of similar ages. I also see the way kids twists things about their "brown" parents when things don't go their way. Basically, anytime that your parents put their foot down, it has to be because of that dang oppressive Indian Patriarchy. And of course, some of these things get posted on various social media sites.

    I don't agree with it but neither do I engage with these perceptions anymore. All kids their age do it. It's a rite of passage for them. Mostly blaming the parents and the culture. It's not just desi kids but I have chinese neighbors and they do similar things. In a way they are finding their own identities. Is it so bad? I didn't have tik tok growing up, but I believe I've done all of the same things at that age. If there was exposure like today, back when I was this age, I would be much more rebellious. I think my parents just lucked out that there wasn't social media back then.

    If it did, then the man was not of sound mental health to begin with. That should probably jump at us more than social media shaming. If so, then I can only assume what the marriage was like. The young lady has mentioned that this marriage should not have even taken place. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt here. Who can label something as emotional abuse? If the man was preventing her from leading her life her way, and from the looks of it she was very westernized, some people call it irreconcilable difference but for some others, it is emotional abuse. I can see my child getting stifled in such a restrictive relationship impacting her mental health.

    A few months ago, one of my DD's friends got married. I didn't know whether to send my blessings or go shake those parents. She isn't the kind to be able to survive in a restrictive marriage, especially at this age. There are people out here, especially in some communities, who do push marriages on their young American daughters. It's the unfairness of this, that rankles most posters here and most people who read such news.

    Yes, putting it on tik tok is something that even lawyers advice against but it's the least of the issue here. The young woman got her life together. She did get out, find a place, make plans to have a future. More than tik tok being the trigger, it probably gave her the outlet. It probably helped her get out and make those plans. It's a double edged sword, social media.

    I do feel for the parents. Nobody should be put through the trauma of reading all this, especially while their grief is so raw. I also think no woman should be put in this position in the first place. Just by witnessing such a marriage, my compassion is dimmed a little. It wasn't about them in the first place, it was supposed to be about her.
     
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