Very tough situation being a step mom.

Amicable · Nov 9, 2007

Hi, My husband and his ex-wife been divorced for eight years.They have 11 years daughter together. I met my husband in 2006 while I was living in the different country. We got married this year 2007. So, please do not think I could be the reason for divorce or something. Now, I have a serious situation, my 11 years old step daughter, who lives with her mom in the same city and visit us 3-4 times a week. She doesn't like me much because her mother keep poisioning her mind against me. She is becomeing very verbal and got lots of anger. Even my husband noticed it, but because he is very attached to her and she is the only child, he don't say her anything. I always tries to compromise to let it go for the sake of my marriage. Because if I create fight, it will be my loss if my husband leaves me. And I unnecessary get the blame not to like the child. Usually, Step mom is a stigma and always considered as an evil.

Now there are two major problem existing in my life due to the step daughter. I, my husband and the step daughter, we are planning to go on long trip for 4-5 hours drive. Wherever she goes with us, she keeps nagging, crying, throw tantrums and non stop talking. So, to keep her busy, I take music cds, Nintendo, story books, her fav. food and toys. She will buy the things but then she has no interst in anything. All she wants attention and keep talking non-stop. My husband and I, we both are less talktive, and thats the main thing we like about each other. Specially, when he is driving, he become distracted easily, so we keep the conversation minimum and try to enjoy the music or nature than talking. Daughter wants somebody talk to her nonstop untill you fall unconssious and if we both give her reply back, she blames me that I am doing it purposly because I don't like her presence. Is it my fault,if I am less talktive. I told her that I am not talktive, but she is always free to talk to her father,but my husband also get tired of talking too much. But then she will cry, nag, shows anger. God....:bang. Its not that she needs more attention that time because she never gets time to see or talk to my husband. She visits us 4 days a week and my husband talk to her everyday. My husband won't go anywhere without her. He hasn't taken me to the honeymoon even. He says his daughter will come with us. My Inlaws also support his decession.

And second major problem, If I am holding my husband's hand, she will take him away and then I have to walk alone behind them. And if my husband wants to walk with me, she will start the crying again, either lay on the floor or run away , so we end up searching her. If I try to discuss the problem with my husband regarding this , he always jumps on conclussion that I don't like his daughter. Now, I am very stressed and AFRAID going with her and I can't say no to my husband either because I know his first reaction will be that I don't like his daughter, and also it means, then I will stay home alone and thats what Ex wife and daughter wants too. I have tried my best that daughter get along with me but but I now I have given up after alomost one year of trying. Please please help me to solve my problem or advice me how to tell my husband that I don't want to go with them, without getting or making him upset. Thank you.

Mythraeyi · Nov 9, 2007

Hi there,

Tough situation to be in, but I think your step daughter is just smart and knows she can get away with anything and you will be blamed for it as you are the step mom. I would suggest being firm and not giving in to her. While driving, tell her that she needs to be quiet as it distracts her father. if she doesn't listen then no more drives for a while. if you give in all the time she will just grow up a spoilt brat and make it more and more difficult for you. also some alone time with her father wouldn't hurt - if she has that (maybe once a week) she will not be so difficult with you.

Mythraeyi

puni88 · Nov 9, 2007

Hello,
I completely agree with Mythraeyi.

Good luck,
Punitha

Amicable · Nov 9, 2007

Hello Mythreyi and Puni,

Thanks for your response. Its not that my step daughter never go alone with my husband. Sometime they go to mall, park, movies etc. without me. And I don't mind. I have been married almost one year, I can't even plan to go for honeymoon with my husband, forget about other trips alone? Now my question is as I mentioned earlier, wherever we go together, she has a habbit of spoiling the trip. But since this long trip is coming, I am scared to go with her. Any advice. Thank you.

Mythraeyi · Nov 9, 2007

Hi,

You are the adult in this relationship - don't lose sight of that. If your step daughter knows that you are afraid then she is just going to take advantage of it. Have a frank discussion with your husband and convince him that giving in to her everytime is actually doing her a disservice. you should resolve this now - else when you have your own kids this will just become worse.

Sujimallige · Nov 9, 2007

Ur profile picture of lord krishna with his mother speaks a lot abt u...
It shows that u love children.I hope and pray that ur step daughter can understand ur lov to her and enjoy that instead of troubling u.
I think u should have ur own baby as early as possible.Somehow I feel this might solve a majority of ur problems.
Pray everything works out gud for u.

Malathijagan · Nov 9, 2007

Hi Amicable,
I feel sorry for you but I certainly have a different opinion from that of Puni and Maithreyi. Your step daughter is facing 2 problems in life now coupled with problems like school activities. Problem No. 1- She has already attained puberty or is nearing one which, as a woman you will know can cause a lot of harmonal changes as well as psychological ones. Added to that is parents separation which has caused insecurity too. You may well say her father is always available for her but a child who is now neither a child nor an adult wants the father fully for herself. It is a rule of nature that a girl is drawn more towards her father than her mother and it is opposite with boys. Even when her biological mother comes in her way, sometimes she may get jealous but due to the constant love of her mom she gets over the negative feelings easily. But in your case it doesn't need poisoning from her mother, though I would not fully rule out that; don't you think it is but very natural for a child to behave in this manner when a third person comes between her father and mother and that too a woman? A child does not understand the problems of husband -wife relationships and the demands and expectations of the spouses. All she yearns for is their constant love and attention. All I would like to tell you is this- Please wait patiently till your daughter gets a little old enough to understand the decision of her biological parents so as to be able to judge the circumstances under which they divorced. If she grows up into a natural adult and matures intellectually and emotionally with your love and support, even though she hates you now, she would one day certainly realise your sacrifices and be ever grateful to you for all your tolerance and patience. In this way you have nothing to lose,except may be your precious privacy in your husband's company. That can be obtained in a few years time and if still your step daughter does not realise your contribution to her, then at least you can rest at peace that you have done the best for her. If not today, may be some time in her life, she would acknowledge it.
If during our golden years of our life we are able to look back and feel happy of having lived a wonderful life, nothing can be more satisfying and joyous than that.
Regards and best wishes for a wonderful life and relationships ahead.

roopadadia · Nov 9, 2007

Hi,

Why don't you put 2 & 2 together....i mean your name Amicable & the photo attached that of mother & child. Draw some inspiration from it and move forward.

If your husband is so attached to his daughter, and also his parents being supportive then there is nothing much that you can do. Atleast don't try to change the situation in a very obvious way as it will not be accepted and you will go down in their eyes.

so handle situation diplomatically or let your head rule your heart. Maybe team up with your husband and tell him we should do something about the way his daughter behaves instead of you giving suggestions...lead him to come up with a solution.

If the girl throws tantrums, tell your husband that you are really worried as she is a dughter and in a growth stage, a couple of years down the line she may have to go to some other place for further studies, so if she is not mature enough then she can have trouble in future, so he should try to understand and ask his daughter why she is behaving in such a manner, also tell him that if you can be of any help you will be most willing to help her out of this situation.

Put all these things as lightly as possible and as if you really care.

Also do you know why they had separated and why his parents are so supportive.

From my personal experience of my 14 yrs of married life...and what i see around me, i can only say that most husbands do not like being told that his family is wrong even if they know that they are grossly wrong. There are very few husbands who are cent % supportive of their wives.

Roopa.

Amicable · Nov 10, 2007

Hi Roopadadia and Malathijagan

Thank you for the advice. Well, in answer to your suggestion, all I can say wish if things are so easy to solve. Problem is my husband won't listen anything against her daughter. I have tried to talk to him very peacefully but he start defending his daughter. He appolized to me so many times for his daughter misbehave with me, but then he finds nothing wrong with his daughter's behaviour. He says its normal for children. Now, tell me when person doesn't find any problem, how he is going to solve it?

And if I tried to talk to the daughter and told her nicely, that this kind of behaviour can be a problem in her future. She will tell her mother, and her mother will curse me to death. Husband has forbidden me to say nothing to his daughter. So, I am stuck, where father has weekness for his daughter and mother in her anger spoiling her own daughter's life.

regards

Varloo · Nov 15, 2007

Hi,
this is a very tricky situation indeed. As Malathi has suggested, be patient. What would you do, if it was your own child? Would you let her come alone and go with your hubby hand in hand?
One option is, just cater to the girl, just allow her whatever she wants. Don't say anything when she talks to your hubby while he drives, let him say what he wants to. You volunteer to pair them together and slowly your hubby would feel bored and would give his attention to you.Get her nice things and always be the first to suggest good things about the girl. Do not try to correct the child or anything like that. Just appreciate her always.JUST KEEP COOL.
I would like to share something- one of my friends' died 20 years back, leaving a daughter of 1 1/2 years. Her hubby remarried after 4 years only.It seems that my friend's mother had told that child that her mother is dead and she is not to call anybody mother, just before the step mom came. So there developed a cold war between them. The child would wait for the father to come, and show her progress card etc.This irked the stepmom and she too started having differences. The hubby's mother also did some wrong things to increase the differences.
My friend's sister used to bring gifts for her nephew on her birthday and this caused a major fight between the couple. (Step mom has a daughter and this child asked who that aunty was who brings gift for her sister. She did not know that they were step sisters till then). As the hubby is rich, he shifted his second family to a new place and the first daughter and his parents lived together. Now the girl has finished her graduation here and is in the US for higher studies.
Whom to blame here?