Very Frustrated. Urgent help needed.

My thoughts exactly!!! The OP's husband would have to ask Suze before he purchased his mom the jewellery set, and she'd be like "Show me the money boyfriend!" And then he'd tell her all his bad spending habits and she'd say "Sorry, but you've been... DENIED!"

Rosegirl,

That looks like the only thing you CAN do, short of breaking up with him. Most decent relationships are built on give and take, where both people listen to each others ideas. But if your husband isn't going to consider your feelings or act on your requests... then, there's not much that can be done! He's defying the laws of a good relationship! When one person stops caring what happens, the whole relationship becomes doomed. Looks like your husband has stopped caring what you think or feel. BAD SIGN.

I can feel your frustration oozing out of the computer screen as I read your words.... I REALLY feel your pain. You have every right to be angry. If seperate accounts still doesn't bring you peace, then maybe you should consider life without him. That sounds extreme, but I think you're already thinking on that wave length anyways. 6 years is too long to feel like you're in a battle. Don't let it become 7, 8, or 9. Fix this issue soon or jump ship. JMO.

 

Rose,

Take a deep breath. Step away from the computer and look out the window and collect your thoughts for a moment.

You can only control yourself, not anybody else. So if your husband wants to act wreckless.... accept the fact that you might not be able to change him and will have to take your future into your own hands. Get control of your emotions, it will help you see things more clearly.

Have you tried couple's counseling? Have you tried discussing the future with him and how he expects to fund your retirement and perhaps your child's education? What does he say?

 

rosegirl,

In addition to what ASG has said ..............

The fact that your husband does not share his bank / expense statements with you is a sure indication that he will definitely not be open about assets (or liabilities) he has accumulated. Adopt a fight mode (figuratively speaking) and use your ingenuity.

It is also not clear if you have access to your husband’s (or is it joint?) bank account, or if he gives you some sort of allowance, and so we have to assume the worst i.e. that it is the latter. Regardless, if something were to happen to your husband tomorrow, would you have enough cash on hand to survive? For emergency expenses? How would you prepare for such a situation? Do you have a plan? If, of course, you have already thought of these issues, then good for you; if not, maybe this will give you the push you're looking for.

One good thing about the US is that there are support groups in every shape and form. And I wonder if there is one for women and men like you. Because I don’t think you’re the only one in this situation. Perhaps the other posters will be able to point you in the right direction.

 

Why dont you talk to your mil directly and tell her that you do not want to give money for jewellery as it is not an emergency.

Peeple should buy jewellery with their own money.

Yes. they might put all drama and instigate your husband. But there is a chance that they will be afraid next time.

Some DILs take all crap year over year just to maintain peace in the family. Blow up and fight once. The issue should become bigger than they expect. Fight with inlaws (not husband) without any prior warning to anyone. Let it be a shock to husband also.

Then they will start to fear that she will fight and seperate my son. They know that if the DIL is not willing to talk to them, they cannot visit the son or the son cannot visit them. After sometime the family will move away. Then how can they extract money?

Sometimes we have to fight for peace.

Try it if you think it will help.

 

Dear Rose,

I can easily feel your pain and frustration as I was going through the same phase in my personal life during last year.

It was so painful, and you cannot explain this pains in words. It is not just money matters, but breach of promises, lack of love, lack of trust and respect, and lack of understanding and innability to spend on your own. It is even worse if you are a working woman. I know how it can seriousely affect your mental peace.

I was almost down with depression and thought of separation during that time until I figured out the EXACT REASON behind my DH's weird acts.

Try to find out the reasons behind your DH's act...

- May be he is a control freck by nature
- His parents may manipulate/control him
- He simply listens to his parents and never thought about the importance of making joint decisions with you
- He has no love on you, hence never respected or trusted you.

Try to send all your salary to your personal account. If he asks, tell him that you need this money for some reasons, and you are not comfortable in asking his permission all the time. Hence you have decided to use your OWN money for now. You can continue to invent new reasons in the forth comming months.

Do not hesitate to buy gifts for your parents or friends if you really interested in it. Do not buy just because your DH is doing so. After doing your own shoping, just show him the items for the sake of showing it. If he asks anything, tell him that you have already showed him the items before you send them to your parents, so you didn't hide anything from him.

If he talks about savings or future, tell him that he too needs to save and think about YOUR future. It is like you stop, then i will stop.

I am sure there will be some qurells over this, but it will give you some mental peace, at the same time it will alert your DH about your boldness. He will really think about it later on.

 

I feel there is nothing wrong if he decides to help out his family with money that he has earned. However, he shouldn't do the same with what you earn. I agree with Srividya. keep separate accounts, and you do what you want with your money. If you want to help out your parents, feel free to do it.

I would advise against directly talking to your in-laws about money issues. It just leads to more fights with your husband. If you don't want him using your money to help out his family, that is your right. However, telling him to not help out his family at all isn't right on your part too. If his parents aren't working and don't have alternate sources of income, it is expected of sons to support their families.

 

Dear OP,

Now that you are working, have a separate account...and save you hard earned money.

But thinking of separation over money is not worth. Yes Money is important but it should not separate you two.

I hope ur DH is understanding in other matters. And loves you.

If nothing is right apart from money, you deserve a better life.