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Venting out!! How should I deal with my interfering in laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by indiangurl, Jun 26, 2012.

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Oct 10, 2012 #41

Reflection123 New IL'ite

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this is what I would do in your situation.

I would play along with my in-laws when they act hyper-sweet; I'd pretend to be appreciative of their 'thoughtfulness' on their face. I would go and talk to my husband about things I don't like. If he doesn't understand I'd let him do what he wants to, given that I also spend my life my way. If that makes me feel that he is drifting towards his parents--I would put up with that for some time. I would keep living my life, but would still keep a grip on my relation with my husband. Like I would let him go every weekend to his parents; but when he comes back--I'd lovingly, welcome him, but also would make sure that he knows what he has missed while not spending his free time alone with me. I would not do it in an outrightly offensive way---but in a sweet, suttle way. I would talk about whatever affects him most. If its sex --I would talk about that honeymoon like situation I planned with him--but I am ok to wait for it because I understand that he has to meet his parents; so I'd say whenever he gets a weekend "free" I'd love to act on "our plan". I would create situations that he'd himself crave to be with me alone. In the meanwhile I would live an enriching life myself.

Reflection123, Oct 10, 2012

Reflection123, Oct 10, 2012

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Oct 15, 2012 #42

indiangurl New IL'ite

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Reflection123 said: ↑

this is what I would do in your situation.

I would play along with my in-laws when they act hyper-sweet; I'd pretend to be appreciative of their 'thoughtfulness' on their face. I would go and talk to my husband about things I don't like. If he doesn't understand I'd let him do what he wants to, given that I also spend my life my way. If that makes me feel that he is drifting towards his parents--I would put up with that for some time. I would keep living my life, but would still keep a grip on my relation with my husband. Like I would let him go every weekend to his parents; but when he comes back--I'd lovingly, welcome him, but also would make sure that he knows what he has missed while not spending his free time alone with me. I would not do it in an outrightly offensive way---but in a sweet, suttle way. I would talk about whatever affects him most. If its sex --I would talk about that honeymoon like situation I planned with him--but I am ok to wait for it because I understand that he has to meet his parents; so I'd say whenever he gets a weekend "free" I'd love to act on "our plan". I would create situations that he'd himself crave to be with me alone. In the meanwhile I would live an enriching life myself.
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Thanks! I find that very sound advice. I have realized the hard way that it is too important to be happy on your own and have a life away from BF/husband so that they do not take you for granted. As far as the playing along part is concerned, I have come to realize that being politically correct and sweet (even if it is pretention)/tact has to be there. Initially, I was hesitant to employ such tricks as I felt that I should be 100% open with hubby/bf and used to open out my heart to him thinking he should be able to understand my feelings. I also felt that manipulating him in any way would kill the sweetness and innocence of the relation. But I have realised that tact and a certain degree of pretention is a must else you are one who is walked over or ends up making enemies.

indiangurl, Oct 15, 2012

indiangurl, Oct 15, 2012

#42
Oct 15, 2012 #43

indiangurl New IL'ite

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Reflection123 said: ↑

Your husband is the main problem here. Why would a grown up man complain to his parents about his wife. Just let him be! You said in one of the posts that you don't want to crush his self esteem by growing academically and professionally taller. You need not baby-sit his self esteem. Let him go to his parents on every weekend if that is where his happiness lies. If he feels this pressing need to appease his parents so frequently, then just let it be. You can spend your weekend and life in a very enriching and stimulating way, while they're busy playing mummy-papa-baby. Don't show that you're affected. Just when he comes back--throw a broad grin, and just say "Ohh you're back! You look so fresh. I am sure you must have had a lovely time with mummy daddy. I missed you so much :-( ...... (and then modestly/subtly tell him about all the good things you did with your life when he was busy being patted by mommy-daddy). I mean learn from his mom and dad. They'll do whatever they want, but will always try to sound pleasing and sweet. Even you can make your sweetness hard to cut through! Talk to him as if you don't dislike his parents, but as if you're very interested and attentively listen to anything he wants to share. Then tell about the juicy stories you have in stock, talk about your social life with your friends, and the pride you feel in having a meaningful weekend. Don't preach--but share, share, share,share, and share. The richness you're experience in your life will certainly trickle down as a desire in his heart to share some of it. When you talk about your social life, in a subtle way tell him how much you enjoyed, and how much nicer it would be if he were there too (then add---but I understand that you need to be with your mom and dad too, never mind I am completely with you on that..mom and dad too are imprtant!).....Keep saying that you understand him, while living your life to the fullest without budging. He will certainly be attracted towards the charm and magnificence in your life sooner or later, if you present and advertise it well to him . Don't get mad at him, attract him towards yourself and your ideas.

My parents -in -law used to talk about virtues of minimalistic living, and I was tired of the cheap stuff my husband would buy for our home . He would send them so much money coz he had "nowhere else" to spend. They would just sweet talk him into adopting this "moderate lifestyle", and consequently we ended up not spending anything on ourselves, but letting them control our savings. I constantly started showing my husband pictures of designer stuff. I would exclaim "Oh my God these couches are so gorgeous. It would be such a pleasure to have them", and then I would qualify my statement by saying, "but we should not spend too much, right. I understand hon." I would say this, and then--after few days I would return with more pictures!! Gradually, it infected his mind, and then it was not mine, but HIS idea that we should have a good lifestyle and not live so minimally. I know it doesn't match your situation, I am only giving a random example to illustrate--when you know you have better ideas--don't fight with others ideas, just advertise and sell your ideas harder (just add a sweet coating)
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I know the situations are different but somewhere they are similar...I completely get what you are saying and makes a lot of sense to me!

indiangurl, Oct 15, 2012

indiangurl, Oct 15, 2012

#43
Oct 15, 2012 #44

indiangurl New IL'ite

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dahlia said: ↑

How are things now Indiangurl? Hope everything is sorted out..
You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, so I'm sure you figured out a way that makes YOU happy.
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Hi dahlia,

Things are sorted out in a certain manner and complicated at many different levels at the same time. A completely new angle came up which I am not keen to discuss here as this is not the right platform. There is a lot of uncertainty related to future but in the short term things are relatively fine. There are ups and downs. Extreme downs at times. I am trying to build relations with the in-laws. They have started coming to our place. They behave strangely at times - taunt and all - but nothing major. DH feels guilty from time to time. I try and tell him that we can all live together and right now we should focus on building our relation.

indiangurl, Oct 15, 2012

indiangurl, Oct 15, 2012

#44
Oct 15, 2012 #45

MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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If u look at it from yr DH'a pov, his parents have done nothing wrong. Though they are intrusive, but to him it looks like concern. My in laws also expect us to bring them out every weekend. Sometimes we fight because of this. Since we are staying separately, my DH feels its his duty to bring out his mum, sis and sis kids every weekend. And like yr in laws, they too always used to purchase things for us and kids. Lately, we stopped bringing them out every weekend..the gifts stopped too. In my opinion, I feel it's v difficult for DH to see what their family is doing is intrusive. I sometimes feel, it will be like this forever. Nowadays, when I suggest that we just go out just us and kids..he refuses. I feel I need to change my ID from marital bliss to marital agony...sigh..

Only advise for u is don't suggest staying together gurl..it would totally cram your style..cos u need privacy and living with in laws will be hell for u...Instead of DH, u may go into depression.

MaritalBliss, Oct 15, 2012

MaritalBliss, Oct 15, 2012

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Oct 23, 2012 #46

indiangurl New IL'ite

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MaritalBliss said: ↑

If u look at it from yr DH'a pov, his parents have done nothing wrong. Though they are intrusive, but to him it looks like concern. My in laws also expect us to bring them out every weekend. Sometimes we fight because of this. Since we are staying separately, my DH feels its his duty to bring out his mum, sis and sis kids every weekend. And like yr in laws, they too always used to purchase things for us and kids. Lately, we stopped bringing them out every weekend..the gifts stopped too. In my opinion, I feel it's v difficult for DH to see what their family is doing is intrusive. I sometimes feel, it will be like this forever. Nowadays, when I suggest that we just go out just us and kids..he refuses. I feel I need to change my ID from marital bliss to marital agony...sigh..

Only advise for u is don't suggest staying together gurl..it would totally cram your style..cos u need privacy and living with in laws will be hell for u...Instead of DH, u may go into depression.
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Thanks Maritalbliss,

I agree with you...my and inlaws style is very different...from small things such as food habits to what to watch on TV...to bigger things such as outlook towards life. While I realise that parents do need our support and we need to spend adequate time with them but its equally important to be on your own as well. At times, I want to be completely alone, maybe read or write or just watch something on my laptop. When my in-laws are there, I feel uncomfortable spending some time by myself in my room cos I feel that they would feel I am not giving them enough time. Therefore, I feel one should be able to spend some guilt free time as one sees to be fit.

I understand DH's perspective and therefore to keep him happy, I tell him at times that we should all live together. And honestly its not even about living together. Its more about how my hubby keeps hanging on to his mom like he was still 5 years old. Recently one of his relatives came over to our place and explained to him he should start shifting his center of affection from mom to wife. I guess this has had some impact on him.

I get so confused I dont even know who's to blame - myself, my hubby, our relation dynamics, his parents, my parents, our circumstances. Everyone has their own contribution to the situation.

indiangurl, Oct 23, 2012

indiangurl, Oct 23, 2012

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Mar 1, 2013 #47

Gae3 Platinum IL'ite

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Hi Indian Gurl,

I empathize your feeling.Having read all your post, I felt thank god some1 has gone through my situation.I always though as few people said I have good In laws but I dint have the peace of mind.As u said for many the 19th century MIL who beat and are bad mouthed are the only bad MILs.
For some of us the mental tensions and not allowing us to be indepedent itself start to irk and then we end up losing our mind.

As told by many IL's here, I have been brought up by parents who wanted me to be Indepandent ata ny point of time.Also I lived in hostels and PG for a span of 7yrs before getting married.And when I got married I dreamed of own house running it all by myself.
My MIL lives in her village and when ever she visited me she wanted to run the home, she wants me to follow all that she was doing.Which I couldn't accept it. Also after few months I came to know she herself has never followed what her MIL used to do, she has been following all her mothers traditions.And now she expects me to follow what she does.So when ever she visit me she has something to trouble me.
May be soon she will shift to my house. Dont know what will happen.

By the way Indian gurl, do let me know how is the situation at your end?
Are u following anything to ease ur difficulties?

Gae3, Mar 1, 2013

Gae3, Mar 1, 2013

#47
Mar 1, 2013 #48

bubblygal Platinum IL'ite

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indiangurl said: ↑

Dear friends,

Here is my long story. It is a really long post as I have tried to capture frustration built through more than a year.

I had been dating with my hubby for more than three years and we have been married for about six months. We both work in the same city and his parents live about 2 hours drive from here. My husband is very close to his family and especially his mother. He had her pic as his profile pic on different accounts, on his desktop, mobile, etc. At this age, usually guys are flaunting pics of their girl friends. Before our marriage, there were usually issues over time management, if he should spend his weekends with me or go home to his parents (before he met me, he visited his parents every weekend). His mother realizing the conflict used to ask both of us to visit their place together, which is good but I wanted to some alone time with my then boyfriend, plus I did not feel all that comfortable going to their place. Hubby's parents attitude towards parenting also bothered me. They did not want to send their sons too far off to study and wanted to keep them in close enough proximity to be visited every weekend. MIL revels in the fact that her sons cannot move a finger without her, one of whom is 21 and other 27. :bonk All this is in contrast to me carrying on most of my responsibilities on my own. In hindsight I feel, these things worked together to make me feel resentful for her and made me feel that I would always be second best to her in my man's life. :rant

My husband always had the vision of joint family and his parents were planning to get a house constructed in the city (a metropolitan) where we both are working so that we could all live together. But all the past background with them made me resist the idea of joint family. I could not imagine living with them and always competing for my husband's love and attention and see him being babied around.

As we explored the idea of getting married, the question of joint family became the deciding question for us. My husband said multiple times that he can think of marrying me only if I am game to live in a joint family and that too happily - not in a compromise sort of a way. I loved him too much and agreed to this (you might say that this was my wrong step but what's done is done). The fact that he constantly chose his parents over me further filled me with anger and dislike for his parents.:drowning

A bit of background of my in-laws: They want to earn the image of liberal and progressive in-laws. However, following incidents show that its more of an external ploy to build up that image and be in every body's and especially my husband's good books:
1) They do not have any objections to the way I dress - I already dress sensibly so doesnt make much of a difference plus they should try obliging a village or tier-2 city girl with this kind of a concession.

2) They do not expect me to cook - My MIL does not like cooking herself and its usually my FIL who does the cooking so its not really large hearted of her plus I love cooking and can cook really well

3) They also said that they will not push us to live with them in a joint family but it would be great if we live with them. They are getting a house built in the same city in which we work - so eventually we are the villains if we refuse to stay with them.

4) My husband and I are from different states so different cultures. When our marriage preps began, inlaws were acting cool, that they do not bother much about customs. My parents are more particular about customs/culture and they were very upfront about this. Towards the end we were facing issues related to clash of cultural practices. I felt if it mattered so much to them why did they not set expectations right from the beginning instead of trying to pose goodie goodie.

5) There was another incident of culture mismatch where we were supposed to visit our homes: as per hubby's culture we should have gone to hubby's family whereas as per my traditions, we should have gone to my parents. Again, his parents tried to act cool saying that it did not matter much to them that where we decide to go and left the final decision to us. However, when we finally decided to visit my parents, my in laws were sulking and tried to make my husband feel guilty for this decision leading to fight between us.

Like this there have been numerous incidents where they have tried to act cool but actually are not cool about it. I find this to be passive aggressive behavior and would appreciate if they were more upfront with their demands rather than always trying to make others realise how good in laws they are.

Due to all this plus many other incidents and the sachcharine sweet and tactful behavior of my MIL, my husband believes from all her heart that his parents (esp. mom) are so good and caring and liberal and it makes him feel that I do not have any valid grounds to dislike them and all the problem is from my side. Knowing this nature of theirs, I was also threatened as I realised that I would always turn out to be the baddie. They had instilled in my husband that will fight tooth and nail to maintain peace in a joint family and pose no restrictions on their daughter in law so that she would never have any valid reasons to deny living in a joint family.

After marriage my in laws were uber excited in beginning our new life - It was always the 4 of us doing something, whether it was shopping for new home, setting/arranging things in the new house. At least that's what I wanted but I managed to push back on (even though ended up feeling like a villain and in the bad books of my hubby). I bought few things on my own. MIL had already gone ahead to buy stuff for us while we were on our honeymoon, stuff which I would have liked to explore and buy myself. Not agreeing to or pushing back on any such plans made me feel like a villain and bad daughter in law who does not want to mingle with her in laws. I did push back and husband supported me even though he could not fully empathise with how I was feeling.

We were living in the newly constructed house (which is owned by my in laws) and it was a semi joint setup where his parents would come over weekends or 2-3 times during the week for short spells. They are always trying to treat us like babies – my husband doesn’t mind it as that is the way he has been treated all his life. They brought us an AC. Even though my husband paid for it, we had no role in choosing it. My FIL would came to the house in our absence and would replace the LPG cylinder (he got the cylinder from a 2 hour drive) saying that how would you manage if it were to finish all of a sudden - I had been living independently for 3 years and had been managing so far. One morning when I woke up, I found that he had washed our clothes in the washing machine. I was not comfortable with him washing my clothes at all - with machine or hands. And considering my husband's laundary was my responsibility now, I would not have appreciated him washing his clothes either but it exasperated me beyond limits that he washed mine without even asking me. And this was after he had asked me on multiple occasions earlier if he could wash my clothes (before we got the washing machine) and I had always said no very clearly. They had their own notions of liberal in laws and stuck to them without wondering if it was helping me or if I needed what they were doing. As i mentioned I like cooking and usually had plans about what I would cook. Whenever they would come, they either get something cooked from home, and told me that what I had cooked can be had in a later meal. Or they would start cooking in the kitchen on their own while I was busy with my office work, completely disrupting my cooking plans. They would get perishables like milk, curd and veggies in huge quantities without checking with my current stock and then it would become my headache to manage things that were rotting in my refrigerator. I felt all the more frustrated because to most people (my own mother) this felt like they were trying to be nice and helpful and share the household chores. However, I felt completely ticked off because I felt extremely angry (maybe it was my personal space being intruded which may be due the build up negative feelings inside me for them).

Apart from this, there was also the expectation that we see them every weekend, either we go there or they come here – again pushing back on any such plan made me feel like a villain. First 3 months of are marriage had passed and we had not been able to spend a single weekend just the two of us. Since the meeting was never welcome and mostly forced, I was sullen on meeting them most of the times which further aggravated the whole problem as no one felt satisfied after the meeting

During all this time, my husband has supported me in a manner, he asked his parents to not behave in a way which irked me for some of the cases that I have mentioned above. He stood by me so that I should not feel that he did not stand up for me but, however, he cannot really empathise with me - in the sense that he does not feel angry over these same issues. So while he has ensured that he fulfills the duty of a good husband, at a sub-concious level , more or less he finds the blame with me and feels his mother / parents to be victims.

One day we had a major fight when his parents were here and after that incident, they realised that there coming was disturbing us and reduced their frequency but did it in very in the face manner. One Friday they came home after work and left on Sat morning which shows that they are trying not to distrub our life. My husband got upset that his parents cannot even visit us freely. Slowly they really reduced their frequency of visits and made it very obvious telling my husband that they only wanted us to be happy, thus guilt trapping my husband. Eventually, my husband decided that we should move out of this house, as his parents are not able to visit there own home freely because of us. We have moved to a separate household. My husband set up an unsaid norm that neither set of parents should interfere in our life or visit us too much in this new house. Now my husband is moving towards depression as he has almost broken ties with parents, work @ office is also getting impacted. I want things to normalize (his and my parents to visit us) but he doesn’t wish to talk to any body and has isolated himself. This was certainly not what I asked for. I was frustrated because of their interference and trying to treat us like children, however, did not want to break all ties with them

With this situation, I have three questions:

1) How should I get my husband to start feeling normal again? - he is dejected right now. I really feel for him as he has been caught up in this tug of war between me and his parents so far and he is emotional hence significantly impacted.

2) How should I deal with my in - laws. Am I over reacting or with all the history is it normal to feel this way?

3) I cannot communicate most of these issues to my husband as he cannot hear a word of criticism against his parents (esp. mom). We get into very bitter fights whenever I have tried to discuss this with him. I feel really frustrated because of not being able to voice my feelings with him and make him see my perspective. He really sees them in an angelic light and me as a stubborn, strong headed, independent daughter in law who has not been able to get along with her in-laws. I am so scared of discussing things with him for the fear of him exploding with anger that I do not even present hard evidence to him which will show my in-laws' dual-facedness. Is there any way I can make him see the true picture. Or should I just ignore it and never discuss with him and vent out these frustrations some place else?

I know this has been really long and thank you for your patience to read this through. Look forward to your suggestions and responses.
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Dear Indian gurl,
I can so relate to ur situation !I can sense ur pain!The first thing is never criticse ur inlaws in frnt of ur husband !Be direct u have an issue sort it with them directly but never let it reach ur husband if it does via ur inlaws, tell him tht it was a very trivial issue and it is sorted.Ask him not to interfere in the issues pertaining to u and ur inlaws!Rite now focus on keeping ur husband happy , if ur in laws turn up frequently at ur place entertain them for sumtym n get out with ur husband wen u two are away wat are they gnna do?Indian husbands are mumma's boys u can never change tht so accept it!It is difficult but u need to slowly change him , book movie tickets in advance for both of u one week next week book a restaurant for all 4 of u this way ur entertaining them as well as ignoring them if ur husband questions u can put it this way tht both of u need to spend quality tym with each other!We will go out with ur parents next week!As far as ur inlwas are concerned tell them tht u need to learn how to manage things , tell them they are growing old now they need to give themselves time!This way u wont get into their bad books n they would get the point!

bubblygal, Mar 1, 2013

bubblygal, Mar 1, 2013

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Mar 2, 2013 #49

Gae3 Platinum IL'ite

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Hi Bubbygal,

Nice advise, This Idea I dint get.
Can you also advise if they are crazy about going to trips and pestering my DH for the same.
I don't mind taking for 1 or 2 trips.But every 3 months and paying for 10 people will burn my pocket.What to do?

Gae3, Mar 2, 2013

Gae3, Mar 2, 2013

#49
Mar 2, 2013 #50

bubblygal Platinum IL'ite

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Gae3 said: ↑

Hi Bubbygal,

Nice advise, This Idea I dint get.
Can you also advise if they are crazy about going to trips and pestering my DH for the same.
I don't mind taking for 1 or 2 trips.But every 3 months and paying for 10 people will burn my pocket.What to do?
Click to expand...

If its a religious trip tell them u got ur pe@#$%^!Or else tell them urnt gettin leave frm work we will plan it next tym keep postponing it!My inlaws always want me to go to temples with them this is the xcuse i give !Not tht i dnt want to go but if i end up goin every mnth to a temple next thing u will c me in himalayas meditating!So the key is postpone it politely and they will 4get eventually!

bubblygal, Mar 2, 2013

bubblygal, Mar 2, 2013

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