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Venting out - a bit annoyed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Chapra, Apr 5, 2014.

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Apr 6, 2014 #11

Chapra Platinum IL'ite

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Liked both your views - darmesh and yellowmango. Dont ask me how and why

Chapra, Apr 6, 2014

Chapra, Apr 6, 2014

#11

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Apr 6, 2014 #12

Chapra Platinum IL'ite

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Yellow mango, just a question if you don't mind. Aren't my PIL's aware that we traveled to India (whole family) and incurred expenses? They do knew it. However their counter is that they are missing their grand children. Emotions play a vital role here. Irrespective of who and how communicate, they have to think rationally and not emotionally.

That's why my hubby's statement sounded logical to me - " I will explain but let them take the decision".

Chapra, Apr 6, 2014

Chapra, Apr 6, 2014

#12
Apr 6, 2014 #13

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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I agree with your husband too here. He can only tell them about his position.It is up to them to to react positively or negatively on it. Your BIL paying up 1/3 is a good sign. It shows he is willing to take on responsibility from now on.

As for the question.....of course they know but sometimes you have to tell the extent of your problems. They probably assume you are earning a lot and don't know how much travel costs. I believe that one should be upfront about finances and not be a martyr.

Sometimes people just assume that the elder son enjoys being the one responsible for the entire family and the younger ones just play along as long as they are not asked to take on some of the responsibility.

Since your in laws have been positive about the travel expenses and not had an emotional fit to the issue....looks like you may be able to have things easier. Tell your husband to pass on some of the financial responsibilities on his brother from time to time and also appreciate his contribution when he does. As his financial status improves...he can take on half the responsibility.

good luck.

yellowmango, Apr 6, 2014

yellowmango, Apr 6, 2014

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Apr 6, 2014 #14

Chapra Platinum IL'ite

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Thanks yellowmango. Most of the times, we try to have open conversations with our PILs and BIL w.r.t finance. BIL contributes to the family too. But if I think now, few things look weird and I cannot share too much on this forum as I would risk my identity

My PILs and BIL are definitely good people and they don't torture me. Having said that, I havent lived with them for too long. Lets see what future has for us. Thanks again. I know am going off track but just thought of sharing. Thats it.

Chapra, Apr 6, 2014

Chapra, Apr 6, 2014

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Apr 6, 2014 #15

Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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Chapra,

One thing I've learnt over the years is that we women sometimes overdo the hosting thing. We decide it has to be like this and like that, and then bend ourselves out of shape trying to achieve that. Men, on the other hand, would do what they can and let the rest be.

If new car is not affordable right now, make do with the old car. There will be some inconvenience and discomfort, but that discomfort is better and more shared by all, than the long term impacts of spending money when you can't afford to.

If you are still recovering from the India trip, then, be a little less available in all ways, and do the bare minimum when they visit. Do not do as much as you'd have done if they had come in the next summer.

You are being tactful in discussing this with husband, he understands your points, and he is being clear with parents while leaving the decision to them. All in all, a good beginning to their possible visit.

Rihana, Apr 6, 2014

Rihana, Apr 6, 2014

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Apr 6, 2014 #16

darmesh Platinum IL'ite

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yellowmango said: ↑

The in laws are also the husband's parents.How is that they don't understand their son's problem? Why does it become the DIl conspiracy?
Click to expand...

Even when there is no real 'conspiracy' with the MIL & FIL, often the DIL assumes there would be a conspiracy by them.

Same way, even when there is absolutely no 'conspiracy' with the DIL also, many times, the MIL & FIL assume that there would be a conspiracy by her (in poisoning their son's mind).

In an ideal world, the bio-dynamics of this relationship in families, should not be this way, but, unfortunately, the reality with many families are this way only.

Very few families are lucky to have pure trust on each other mutually, where the In-Laws do not suspect conspiracy with the DIL and the DIL does not suspect conspiracy with her In-Laws.

I personally feel these lucky families are God Blessed ones !

Last edited: Apr 6, 2014

darmesh, Apr 6, 2014

darmesh, Apr 6, 2014

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Apr 6, 2014 #17

darmesh Platinum IL'ite

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Chapra said: ↑

Liked both your views - darmesh and yellowmango. Dont ask me how and why
Click to expand...

I didn't !

darmesh, Apr 6, 2014

darmesh, Apr 6, 2014

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Apr 7, 2014 #18

Chapra Platinum IL'ite

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Absolutely right, Rihana. What you said is 99% right. 1% offside is - " Men do whatever they can for others but parents". Atleast in my case, my hubby has already looking out for SUV deals. Am definitely happy about it that he wants to keep his parents comfortable.

The last time they came here, we couldnt take them any where for xyz reasons and we want to take them to few places of visit this time.

For long distances, we might hire car and for short distances hiring car on day basis will not be economical. Buying a SUV is a better deal, considering the fact that I might become a soccer mom in a few years time Timing is the key here. 'Doing now or next summer' is the question.

Chapra, Apr 7, 2014

Chapra, Apr 7, 2014

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Apr 7, 2014 #19

JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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Just a different perspective from my end. Your BIL & PILs may be initiating the travel now, so the newly weds (BIL's family) could get more time to spend with each other and sort things out, and use this time-frame for better understanding.

This perspective does not resolve your issues in any way Just thought, it may help you understand why your in-laws want to travel NOW and not later.

Hope you can sort things out soon.

Cheers.
JM

JustMyself, Apr 7, 2014

JustMyself, Apr 7, 2014

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Apr 8, 2014 #20

Chapra Platinum IL'ite

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Thats my feeling too, justmyself Actually, earlier my husband and I, offered PILs to come along with us while we return so that the newly weds could have some space. However, they didnt want to do it that way (sense of insecurity??!!).

Now, BIL is the one to push this far and I knew for sure, he wants to be with his new wife alone for some time and thats understandable. Now, am fine they deciding whether to come now or later....

Chapra, Apr 8, 2014

Chapra, Apr 8, 2014

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