1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Unfortunately Don't Have Any Solution

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shama146, Mar 21, 2023.

  1. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    355
    Likes Received:
    400
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello friends,

    Don't know where to begin, what to write as I know there's no end to my misery. Still looking for inputs from you guys.
    It's so unfortunate that we are surrounded by close family and friends, but can't share few very close things.

    My hubby's college was in the same place were my parents live. He was there for around five years. He got a good offer in another college and moved to a place which is somewhat remote. Not even a good english medium school. By this time we admitted our daughter to Loreto Convent, which is the best school for girls in our city. Because of mainly this reason I didn't moved with him coz that place doesn't have even descent schools.

    He has told his Chairman about the situation, so he comes once in two months for 15-20 days. He does WFH at that time.

    Now the problem is he doesn't allow me to stay alone with kids in our flat(rented) when he goes to his place of work. He tells me to go to my parents house every time he leaves. My kids are really happy going there. My parents lives alone. My hubby bears all expenses when we are there. I buy everything for my and kids need by myself. My parents are though financially well off. I do all the chores and never bother my parents.

    It's been 5 years and I keep shuffling from our flat to my parents house. Now the problem is I feel my mom is not happy with this arrangement. She doesn't say anything straight away, but sarcastically says things which really hurts me.

    When I have said this thing to my hubby that I won't go to my parents place when you are away. He got angry and said I can't leave you alone with kids, giving all sorts of stupid excuses. I know deep down he has trust issues. But he is quite foolish, coz I leave my phone and everything open. Don't know why he is insecure.

    When I kept on insisting, he got furious and says that let's pack our bags from here and take the kids to that remote town, if your mom has so much problem.

    Because of this I keep quite, coz here my kids are in very good school. It's a big city having all facilities. My hubby is very stubborn. If I again tell him my misery, he will definitely take us to that small town, where my kids life will be completely ruined.

    My situation is very miserable. Nobody understands my pain. Just for kids sake i am bearing so much. Plz advice how to handle this situation. Thanks for listening
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2023
    Loading...

  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,575
    Likes Received:
    7,022
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    What are those if you can share ?
     
    chanchitra likes this.
  3. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    355
    Likes Received:
    400
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Like how you will manage with two kids. What if the kids open the gas cylinder. Play with electrical things etc etc. He comes up with all sorts of bizarre explanations. His main aim is to not leave me alone with kids. I guess he has some mania.


    .
     
  4. mangaii

    mangaii Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,554
    Likes Received:
    2,033
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    How old r the kids ?
    Is it possible for you stay in remote place during summer break ?
     
  5. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    355
    Likes Received:
    400
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Daughter is 8, son is 6. Even if I go there during summer break, it won't serve the purpose. I have to come back once the school reopens.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,957
    Likes Received:
    11,424
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    How old are your kids?

    If they are too small to play with Gas cylinder and Electrical items, then it is advisable to take them to your husband's place.
    Young kids need a protective and happy house with caring parents. It is definitely an advantage to have both parents around, and much better if both of them are happy :)
    Kids at this young age do not need best schools. Their early childhood development does not starts from best schools, but best homes.
    Kids are fast learners, and they can easily adapt to any changing conditions. So, by the time they grow old, you can consider returning back to your city to enroll them to big schools. I am sure, they will excel well in studies and higher professional matters without any issues.

    You can't shuffle around 2 houses every now and then. It can affect the kids too. Your parents need privacy, and you too!
    It is not a best situation to be in an unwelcoming place. Be it parents or relatives, no place will be happier and comfortable than your own home.

    However, if your kids are not that small, and in teen or pre teenhood, then your husband's worry about them playing with gas and electrical items is baseless.
    If you think he is truly worried, then you must check whether he is OCD.
    Also, you must reconsider your parenting and the way your kids are brought up.
    Some parents really don't care, and some kids really don't mature with age; hence such unwanted accidents happen.
    Teen kids need better school, so, you and your spouse should work up on their protection part.

    If you think your husband has insecurity, and trust issues on you, then that is a different thing altogether.
    Confront him.
    He can't accuse a woman this way. This is indeed amount to character assassination.
    Trust is one important aspect of a happy marriage. He can't go on like this.
    Better to sit down with him, and understand what exactly his problem here

    I hope things go smoothly and you find a solution to your problem
     
    majime and Thyagarajan like this.
  7. shama146

    shama146 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    355
    Likes Received:
    400
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks SGBV,

    He definitely has some OCD. All his excuses are baseless. He is like this from beginning, not at all understanding.
    Anyway dear thanks for replying. This life is only a never ending problem, atleast in my case. Something or the other keeps on cropping up.
     
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    11,864
    Likes Received:
    12,698
    Trophy Points:
    615
    Gender:
    Male
    Did you explore OCD and overcome the problem. Have you joined your husband at a place close to his remote college?
    Security concerns for kids & you must have weighed over your DH. I can't accept HE has OCD. I suppose for sake of higher income he should not forsake proximity of family!
     
  9. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    13,464
    Likes Received:
    24,272
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    @shama146,

    For any parent, your shuttling from the apartment to their house despite you taking care of the kids, expenses, etc., must be painful. Obviously, your mom is not telling from the angle of inconvenience as they must be happy to see their grandkids, but from the point of view of you living a part time married life. It is too difficult for her to say it explicitly to you.

    If you are married for over 10 years already, your husband should realize managing the family and their security is his problem and not your parents. Has he considered looking for a job in the city where you are currently located so that he can spend all his time with his family? It is his decision to work in a remote college where his children don't have a good school.

    If it is just OCD, it is easily curable and he should develop some faith in your ability to handle the children and stay alone without any difficulty. He needs to understand the pain of your parents as it is hard to tell that openly either to you or to your husband. It is not about money or inconvenience and it is about the daughter living happily with the husband instead of a part time life.

    The children's education is important and hence you and your husband have only two choices:

    1) For your husband to trust your ability to stay alone and take care of the children
    2) Your husband to move back to the city where you are located.

    You need to give him only two choices and he has no right to feel bad about your parents pushing for you to stay together and pressurize you with the option of moving to the remote location where there are no good school.
     
  10. Dishaa

    Dishaa Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    269
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear op,

    I feel your husband is bit over concerned about you and kids.

    Even my father actually gave up his onsite opportunity to be with us.

    My grandfather was very upset and wanted my mom to move back to his house reason my father during his initial days of marriage, had night shift.

    My sister in law (husband sister) she is nearing to 45 years age, still can't attend any relative where someone passed away, just because her father (my in laws, gets upset).

    I would suggest sit and try to explain your planning to him how you will manage yourself and kids and family independently.
     
    shama146 likes this.

Share This Page