Trying To Comprehend..

Discussion in 'General Discussions' started by anika987, Apr 14, 2024.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I had an ex friend who is very rude and blunt.I had a very tough time and it took some time To come Out of that relationship.She is someone who does not like me having an opinion and can be brutal with me and I use to get anxious even to dress up coz she will judge me from head to toe.I always felt back to highschool when I was with her.Also one needs to constantly appreciate her and if someone by mistake appreciates me in front of her she will flare up.So many comments and even during my pregnancy she yelled at me for some
    Misunderstanding and I apologized to her and it was tough..Anyways..

    what I am trying to comprehend..

    1) I have had a pattern of attracting these kind of people in my life for so many years no matter how careful I am.I am trying to figure out ways to break this pattern not to make friendship but I have become a very closed person and not able to trust much.

    2) I am really curious how come people like the above have a huge group of friends.The ex friend is friends with one of my nrighbors and she is a part of a huge friend gang going out etc with them and enjoying.i somehow feel so guilty that maybe I am the bad person and breaking my head over it.

    Even in IL if people noticed I am not rude and I try my best to be polite.I am doubly careful with my words and actions in real life but unable to make friends.

    it’s not even about having friends but somewhere I want to get away from that guilt that maybe am doing something wrong coz how come people who r actually not nice have a big group and I don’t have any dependable friend?I do have one or two but they live in India..

    just trying to understand if I need to change anything about me..
     
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan Finest Post Winner

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    I hv had situations to maintain friendship with such persons. In some ways they were useful at one stage and so I forced myself to endure there pally act. But in some strange ways, they themselves found beneficial time elsewhere and left me thanks to my stars.
    My college mate V took a liking for me regularly met me at my home -we went to maina beach in the evening. I found he was in the habit of any statement I make, he i will oppose and argue. To avoid arguments and dissents, I started telling the opposite I really felt . Then he was opposing it I FELT BETTER!
    Later in life I found him the head of the Bar Council in High Court.
    In life all cant be sweet and nice to us. Some are yours truly and some are selfish and use our friendship only for their self aggrandizement.
     
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  3. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    I have been having these issues for sometime.
    In my case, I have come to this realization after introspecting myself.

    I exhibit a way of friendship - being too soft, expressing sorry and thanks more often which is not necessary, saying yes whenever I should have said no, not setting boundary in my personal life and later enforcing it and expecting to be followed, going extra mile to please them and regretting it alone. I give 100 % contribution making them effortless and then expecting some effort from them later after they are used to my contribution.

    Though the other person was demanding and disrespectful, I find the other person could continue in big groups. Other group members do not mind because they have their own demands and the friendship works as they know very well what is good with them and know ways to stop if boundaries cross.

    In my case, if something doesn't work, I try hard to make it work till my heart breaks and end it to free my heart pressure. And feeling too afraid to start new one. After sometime I forget and start a new one and cycle repeats.

    Do you see my mistake? I am working on my confidence now to exhibit boundaries/demands like not engaging hourly talk to please them, not going extra mile to satisfy them and limiting my personal details and so on right from the start so they can clearly understand who I am.

    I am not saying demanding/disrespectful is good, but being too soft is overlooked and misunderstood in the society. Express no just like expressing yes. Being opinionated is way better but to be exercised with caution.

    Of course we do not want to develop a negative trait. Exhibiting mental disturbance in name of friendship or enduring the same is strictly NO and it is the same in any relationship. Anything of this sort doesn't need our time and effort.

    We will still find some people who are so self centered to treat others so low for their needs. Please be happy to stay away from them. Such people will seem to do well in groups, but trust me the other tolerating group members will be feeling the same until they eventually give up/move on.
     
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  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thank you for the insight.Will self introspect.

    Few things I do now..

    Not force friendship( However being abroad where there is no proximity to begin with plus one has to voluntarily make an effort to find friends and keep them..not organic ) but hope someday I find someone I vibe

    Secondly stopped over sharing info

    Started to talk less and observe for a while

    These things help
     
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