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Totally Devastated!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sensitivegal, Jul 28, 2016.

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  1. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    dear friends,
    I am currently under lot of stress and feeling extremely depressed. Venting here makes me relieved and need few good suggestions too. Please no judgements here.... All I need is your soothing words and inputs.
    I got married three years ago, it was an arrange marriage.. There were fights since the beginning of marriage, most of the issues were because of his stubbornness or due to my over possessive behavior. He has low sex drive too..no doubt I committed more mistakes...During casual conversations bet both of us, right after three days after marriage he told me he had lot of proposals, some were good looking etc.. I told him to unfriend them becoz I encourage platonic friendship with females who are his classmates, colleague, neighbors, childhood friends... Keeping in most of the proposal ladies as frends... Didn't look good to me.. He didn't listen , instead of enjoying newly married life.. Kept on quarreling for the same .. I felt bad both of us didn't let go of our ego.. He is very playful in nature and fun loving.. But sometimes it is mistaken as bieng flirtatious. So I suggested him to act decent, as one of our neighbor friend has left me uncomfortable by his playful nature. But he didn't accept nor did he change.but he was never harmful.. He didn't have any affair nor did did he poke filthy or double meaning jokes. I started getting over possessive day by day.. We used to quarrel over silly issues.. Our fights was to an extent that two times cops visited us in USA. I was feeling lonely there/ equally frustrated that my dh was not able understand me & my feelings..Mil issues are big here which I will explain later.. He never understood and stood up for me single time.places every relationship above me. I agree blood is thicker than water.. Too much..now just a year back he lost his job and he was frustrated.. Meanwhile my dad met with terrible accident .. I came to India immediately.. Taking this as an advantage my MIL completely brainwashed him..he canceled my return ticket telling me that he needs to get a job .. But I come to know later that he did have one already!! He told me that I need to change... He doesn't like cops coming home. I agreed.although mistakes were from both sides they expected only me to change.. He didn't tell me when I am supposed to come to USA.. He made me wait for 8 months.. During phone calls frequent verbal abuses, blames blackmail went on.. I lived at my parents place.. My mil niether picked my call nor invited to my own house .. She just wants to play safe.. I was so scared about my future.. My father and brother did not lend me any support , instead they frequently taunted me.. My mother was the only person to support beside my close friends.. After so much nagging.. Begging.. Requests.. He finally told us the date when he is coming back.. Now bosses over me all the time.. Doesn't even allow me touch my mobile... I shouldn't speak to anyone, acts stubborn wants everything in his own way.. Gets irritated. Now the real issue is since I was aggressive in the beginning they want to make sure I am not now.. They pass taunts all the time , provoke and see how I react. I told them I am not a chemical in laboratory to test me over and over again.. I have gone through anger management classes.. I am sane person.. If you want to live with me, you can live... But frequently scrutinizing me, name calling, bossing over doesn't help.he is so much convinced by his mother that I am unable to see any changes in him.. His mother didn't like our marriage in the first place ... She wanted more qualified and good looking person it seems.. She plays always safe game .. Never comes in front .. She has expressed her opinion with one of her close friend which we came to know is that she wants her son to get remarried.but he is not listening to her.. She wants to try till the last day we return to USA.. He doesn't love me anymore... No respect.. Every now and then for small reasons tells me to get out of the house,. When I ask him why he has changed.. He told me that he wants to be tough with me .. Somebody had told him it seems .. Otherwise I will sit on his head :p. I convinced him saying I have changed.. No one changes by acting tough? What are you getting by not showing love? His mother thinks by instilling fear in me, they can bend me.SHE TAKES HIM EVeRYTIME through guilt trip and emotional blackmailing to make things work on her side. He is acting like complete mummas boy, so much conditional love IF I treat his mother nicely and love her then only he will treat me nicely it seems . I agreed I did mistakes, honestly I am changed person now. How much to face blaming and why do they test me so much..regarding low sex drive.. He has less interest .. But he gets proper erection and we have consummated marriage as well.. He lacks foreplay.. Right now he is in India .. I am also with him at in laws place.. He has agreed to consult Doctor.

    But I am fed up.. There is no positivity left in a marriage . I am confused whether to live with him or not??! My parents suggested he might be acting temporarily like that just to satisfy his mothers ego,, one more week we will be in India. Later see if hubby changes, since there will be only two of you in USA! I Don't know what to do.. Other than this low sex drive ( which may be rectified).. He doesn't have any major issues. He doesn't have affair, nor does he hit me.. Very responsible, supportive of my career too. Earlier he used to love me, care me. Is divorce an option? I know it's equally a tough phase. Please share your inputs.
    No name calling and judgment please. Thanks in advance
     
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  2. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    I would say wait till you get back to USA and work on your marriage.Don't bend yourself too much just to please him.Convey your thoughts through words rather than shouting or yelling impulsively.Also focus on your career or take up some other hobby.Talk to your husband calmly and convey your thoughts so that he knows how much you love him.

    The possesiveness and intial marriage fights will be there in every marriage.Forget and try building your marriage with your husband so that your MIL doesn't have a chance to interfere.
     
    sensitivegal, kcb and madras2018 like this.
  3. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @sensitivegal -

    Given how that your dad and brother aren't supportive, I dont think it is a good idea for you to remain in India. As @JGVR suggested, try to keep peace till you return to USA. In the US first of all focus on finding a job. Do you have employable skills in the U.S ? Can you get a visa or work permit ?

    Until the point you get a job, you could consider taking up a certification exam, or a short course in a community college and/or volunteering at an organization that will leverage your professional skills until such time you find a job. These will be helpful in keeping your mind focussed on a constructive activity.

    Both your husband and you need to change for the better for the marriage to work. Even if you alone change but your husband remains a man-child or doesn't respect your wishes in important matters, the marriage will be rocky. Yes some can say that a mature woman can handle everything, but it is a herculean task and it is unfair and unrealistic to put the onus of peace-keeping on one person in the marriage. Just so you know I do feel for you about some of the things that your husband has done - it is not right for him to deny you return to your matrimonial home, likewise him getting tough on you is a bad strategy to manage the issues between you, i also disagree on him curbing your freedom in communicating with others.

    How much is the idea that your MIL is plotting a re-marriage for your husband troubling you ? Is it a real threat ? Can you push that out of your mind ? If it bothers you too much, would you feel talking about it frankly with your husband will bring you peace ? You could just say that you heard about this through the common acquaintance to whom it was told and you are concerned about this. Talking about it doesnt mean fighting about it or being aggressive about it. Talking about it means putting it on the table and acknowledging some information that you know and expressing your unhappiness on it. You can tell him clearly that if he or his mom are considering such ideas it is better to not proceed any further. But that decision must be made now so that your efforts to improve the marriage are not in vain or wasted.

    In the U.S, hopefully with more things to distract you and less focus on your problems you will have a better chance of improving your relationship. I highly recommend taking the help of a counselor in the U.S to enable both of you learn skills in conflict management. I say this only because the issues you listed seem so intertwined with the mis-steps committed by both of you at different points in your relationship. Your husband needs to be counseled as well and I'm not confident that just dispensing advice to you via the IL forum can help bring about lasting change in the marriage. You both need a cool, objective person (like a relationship coach/referee) who can help you both communicate better with each other, understand each other and help yourself become a better partner for each other. These are learnable skills and such help may be needed only temporarily - so not to worry.

    Hope these ideas are of help to you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  4. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear @sensitivegal,

    Don't think about divorce for now. May be he is under too much of influence of his mother. Give him sometime. First try for a job, if you are currently not working. Be patient for sometime and try to be nice with him, so that he will come out his mother's influence.

    Plan for weekend outings & try to spend time together. I hope slowly things will turn in to your favor.

    As you mentioned in your post, he was good and caring earlier. May be if you show extra care & love, slowly he may change. IMO going for divorce is not a great option for now, as you do not have proper support from your father & brother. Try your best to save your marriage with bit of patience.

    Good Luck
     
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  5. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Till you are in India, stay quiet, do everything necessary to maintain peace with MIL and DH and leave to US. It is just one week, it should not be difficult.

    Once you have settled in US, and got over your jet lag, talk to your DH. First, ACCEPT whatever mistakes have happened in the past, and tell him that you are ready to work on the marriage now, but need his help. Do not raise issues about low sex drive right now. Start very, very slowly, by touching him when calling his name, or hugging him while leaving to office, or holding hands while walking somewhere. Show him you are a willing, happy, partner. Nothing is wrong with him physically, he will respond. I believe that once you connect better emotionally, the physical part will automatically improve.

    I think that your DH is enjoying his Revenge/Testing mode right now, just to get back at you for the past. It suddenly feels good to hurt you, rather than BE hurt by you. But in his true nature, he is a good man, and is supportive and caring of you, so he might just get tired of being like this, and slowly ease back into his earlier nature. I hope that moment comes sooner rather than later.

    And until then, don't nag him or push him into it. You can't force a person to be nice; he has to get over past memories by himself. Just as you took your time to get over your anger issues, and be better balanced, he needs time too. Meanwhile, if he shows even a bit of positivity, encourage him and respond to him. Completely blank out MIL politics. You have much work to do among yourselves to be bothered about others. If possible, change your apartment, and start afresh with no memories of the cops visits.

    Consider the day you land in US as the first day of your marriage, and start from scratch. Things will improve.
    Good luck, stay patient.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  6. ranirm

    ranirm Bronze IL'ite

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    Can you guys go for a counselling..coz you have told you had certain problems with him talking with females earlier and now your mil can easiky manipulate him..so counselling might help..
     
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  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Hold everything inside you until you reach US with hubby. Don't argue , don't talk don't do anything. You need to play smart now.

    The present situation has lot to do with your mentality in early marriage. You doubting incessantly about hubby when he spoke to women. Making him stop contact with other women is not a good thing. Early in the marriage you shud be making good memories not nag him relentlessly. That resulted in a bad start to your marriage. Its a miracle you didn't make your hubby pursue a ex marital affair.

    Nevertheless you dad in a accident was a bad thing. Hope he is better. You shud have gone back after insuring your dad is fine. Never come to India without a return ticket. Its good in terms of your relationship with your own family and in laws. Nobody likes an indefinite visit.

    Your in laws took major advantage of your absence and convinced your hubby of your faults.Not to mention your hubby was ripe to be convinced easily. Either way you need to wisen up and sit tight until you reach US. Even after that see to it that your don't repeat what you did in early marriage. Now bond with hubby and give your marriage a base.Indulge him and your MIL until sometime there. Don't come for long stays during that duration and weaken your marriage. Now its holiday season here in US.Go on trips and relax yourself.Good Luck.
     
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  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @sensitivegal

    I related to this post as though it was mirroring me when I was newly married. So please don’t mind the long post--

    I was raised to be tomboyish.- this was highly encouraged in my family. With my dad’s business I had grown to be a female figure- with all attributes of a man. I had a stern tone in dealing with people, didn’t deal with BS, I knew what I wanted and I would get it no matter what. These attributes are strongly associated to be man’s and not encouraged for a woman to have it.

    My own cousins have hurt me saying “If she gets married and stays married for more than 3 years I will buy sarees for all the female person in my family”. That is why I strongly related to your post and here is how I changed from tomboyish girl to who I am today.


    Issue 1- Build your independence without your DH’s help- If you are on H4 go to school or look to get a job. When you start to earn and have an independent visa… your DH won't take you for granted.


    Issue 2- DH- You cant change your DH’s attitude of being friendly/ flirty. Try to be a coaster.. when he is being too flirty try to make it casual or have a different POV for his behavior if you are with friends. Better don’t even bother.. let him be who he is.. If he doesn’t take it too far (women around him are feeling uncomfortable they will walk away)

    My story- My DH is a clown in his family! He cracks stupidest/ silly jokes about the pettiest being on sight and my MIL/ SIL are waiting to laugh (jokes about stray dogs/ homeless people). My own personality is very different.. I don’t laugh at someone else cost. Even accepting was way too hard for me. In the beginning.. I would try to reason out with my DH why he is making fun of some poor creature. It only lead to fights. My DH wanted me to see from his POV of his jokes. BS. His POV my POV. I don’t care.. I just don’t take jokes about anything sad.

    This is what I did- I started to distinguish clearly if that’s his personality...let him be. Let him make fun, let him embarrass himself in front of whoever, whatever. It is finally him and his personality.

    Don’t try to say anything negative to your DH about his personality. Anything that you say will come across as you are trying to change him…especially in the beginning of the marriage.. cause even guys will be warned or have heard stories how wife will try to change them. That resistance will be there. Long story short my DH is still the same.. but not in front of me when he talks to his mom/ sis his cheap jokes oozes out.


    Health- don’t worry about low sex drive- he has agreed to go to a doc.. if it is something medical, it can be rectified. Your DH is open to seeing a doc and getting help. Don’t stress on it.


    Anything previous to marriage is past
    - Yes My DH also has said how many proposals he got, such good ones. The girl was hot, tall- that this... I have asked him why didn’t he go for them….?? Point blank- just in a very curious manner (not with anger or frustration). All guys will tell that its like broken record to get newly wed wife into proper reigns. Honestly either they are making it up or your DH finds something in you that he really likes that no other proposal had. This is the honest fact!


    No female friendship (platonic ones too)- if there are any female involved... I opened my arms and became friends with that woman first. Treat her better and highlight my DH in positive light. Don’t ever encourage the platonic relationship with any female.

    Issue No-3 MIL- All MIL's have similar attitude-
    Almost same scenario- my dad fell ill and I came down to India to be with him. My IL’s picked me from airport/ spent time with my family and they left. Didn’t even invite me. (they live in a different town).
    Jeez where do I even begin- I have a hard-hearted MIL. Only if her daughter experience then she can relate to it otherwise she expects the moon to be placed in her hands.

    Whatever the reasoning was ( I just didn’t question)—After spending time with my family for a week. Even without invitation. I just sat in a bus (my family needed my driver) my mother called my IL’s after the bus left and my DH. And in 3 hours I am in my DH’s house. MY IL’s picked me up. I spent 3- 4 days with them. They came to drop me to my city.

    The reasoning- Your MIL doesn’t want you to claim that it is your house too. No matter what.. you should visit and make happy memories with them. Even today I can proudly tell my DH that I made an effort to spend time with his family (although it wasn’t required) UntilI read this post... I always felt guilty that I left my father to visits my IL’s. NOPE. It is my right to that house... I didn’t want an invitation. If you are invited then you are being treated as a guest. Coz that’s who you will invite/ make plans ahead/ make an arrangement.

    My suggestion- Don’t think about your MIL plotting to get him to agree for second marriage. It's not that easy. The grass is always greener on the other side.

    Try couple counseling.

    Have your own stuff to do in the US, without your DH’s help.

    Try to ignore MIL for awhile. Be smart- be nice to her. Be welcoming.

    You are still in India- you and your DH go shopping to buy accessories to your home. Make sure you tell its our home. Give unified look of yourself and your DH. And also buy one similar object to your MIL too. Tell her that I bought one for you and one for us.

    If you Dh/ MIL provokes you- just be calm/quite and give a “idk what you are talking about” look. Dont give analogy and explanation. They won't understand.

    Brace yourself with witty comebacks. If your DH says things like “you will sit on my head” Just laugh.. and humor the situation. And say things like how will you go to work with me being on your head all the time…! I know it’s a PJ. But whatever will make the situation disperse at the moment.

    Don’t prolong the fights. I have a rule- Fight and hug it out.

    Don’t nag/ Don’t talk about any controversial topics with him or his family.

    Forget and forget about all fights and start afresh.

    Married couples need time to adjust to their partners. Don’t think about divorce, its not easy being divorced.

    Goodluck- Sorry for the long post. Hope these suggestion helps.
     
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  9. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you all ladies for your detailed reply. A women has to understand a other women feelings otherwise who else will? Feeling much better. Thank you all for sharing opinions in different angles and perspective.

    To some of your questions, yes I do have work permit in USA. I am a working woman, though not now but certainly was before and when I go back.i am least bothered about my mil plotting remarriage( now there is no plotting, mission failed miserably) ;). My hubby has firmly told his stance that he doesn't want to leave me. He wants to be with me forever.

    Now I understand the psychology behind my own family members. This is my understanding:
    Father- very responsible, fun loving and jovial. Easy to go with kind of person. But he hails from a typically orthodox Brahmin family. He has seven sisters and one brother, he is the youngest of all. He has seen all his sisters adjusting,compromising to the core and to the best of their personality. ( you all knw how earlier women were) . He thinks I don't have any major problems in married life which Is actually true, given my marriage scenario where I have committed more mistakes... He think it would be a very bad idea to get divorce. He also told me that I purposefully behaved tough because otherwise you would get too comfortable at parents place.. And decide to separate from your dh for whatever minor reasons I think. So he behaved tough. He was also recovering from his accident , he was equally stressed. But he has told me inspite of their advice whatever decision I take, he will suppose me and indeed he is nice dad.
    Brother- way too ambitious. We both were academically bright students from the beginning,.so he always has intellectual discussions with me.he is 6 years younger to me. Not married yet/ his close friends are also unmarried so he is unable to understand these marriage dynamics. And thus unable to support me in right way... However he too acted tough with me because he admires my hubby too much and he thinks I have caused problems on my own.. However lil he has consoled me and helped me.
    My mother in law :this whole thread is not enough to explain her behavior.sibce the beginning of marriage she didn't like me she wanted more good looking and qualified girl it seems. :| I have masters from a core science background. I wanted to make my passion as profession unlike other blindly opting for engineering. I was rank holder.. Debater, speaker, and professional singer too but mother in law wanted only engineer daughter in law it seems ( joke) . I am pretty as others say may be not for her... Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder. But all of my friends tells me that MILs are same.,.. How much ever good girl they get they want more.
    2. Due to inconvenience caused by me to his son..she thinks I am a bad person. She forgets her son mistakes.keeps a blind eye to it..however my hubby has communicated to her saying I AM GOOD. he also told her not to comment about my physique and my career.she doesn't do in front of him but now she does only in front of me.!!
    3. Now that she knows I am good and her son wants her.. She has got to know that I have got to know all her plotting, brainwashing etc., she knows that I don't like her. She is very very insecure.. As my hubby is the ONLY SON TO HIS PARENTS.. NO DAUGHTERS AS WELL. She has established a firm delusion that I will separate her from hubby.. So she wants new daughter in law. I am very very fortune that I don't live with her..( sorry I do have regard and concern for old ppl)
    However I try to be nice with her.. I have also expressed that there is no need for insecurity I am not evil minded person to separate son from mother. I have concern for her as my FIL is emotionally detached. I have concern for old ppl in general.. I donate part of my savings to old age homes even now( seriously). Nothing works with that lady
    4. The last reason is same mil dynamics running in every family.. Control,possessiveness,insecurity.
     
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  10. sensitivegal

    sensitivegal Silver IL'ite

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    Coming to the real issue now.. I am no more over possssive now..I am in friends with his female friends now.. I have no objection for those things..
    I am not even aggressive now.. as I said honestly I am a changed person now. Earlier I was like that because of unrealistic expectation regarding the partner, unable to understand marriage dynamics..feeling lonely at USA.. With these exp I have learnt and changed myself. My husband very well knows that I am changed person.however issues concerning me now is his attitude towards me now... The burning real issue.. I want someone to tell him this is not the right way to deal with wife or a marital issue as he is throughly brainwashed by his mother.MY BEST BET IS COUNSELOR IN USA AS ALL OF YOU SUGGESTED.
    1. We have already consulted a marriage counselor, two sessions are over through Skype. I am pretty confident about this approach
    2. My hubby
    As this person has rightly quoted in her second paragraph that he is good person basically.so as she said he might get tired of bieng like this. And slowly ease back into his earlier nature.
    3. Since there will be only two of us in USA he will definitely, more likely to change.
    I am more positive and 99.9% confident about all these.
    As a person my hubby is very kind.. He showed me the world by literally
    Traveling me to different places. He was very supportive of my career. I want to pursue Ph.D. There.. He did encourage ., when I didn't get selected he personally arranged meeting with director is the dept for the same.. Now tgat director is very fond of my hubby than me. He used to stick to me 24/7 .. Unlike some hubby who party / go lunch with other ppl. He used to always think how to keep me engaged in USA. I became his world. His low sex drive is also due to my quarrels more psychological ,... No physical issues here ..
    Your posts regained my confidence about my marital life.. See things throughly.. Thanks a ton guys
     
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