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tortured by dil

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by imnmil, Apr 28, 2015.

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  1. Apr 30, 2015 #241
    butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    This is funny. For some reason, until I lived in India, I always thought that DIL- MIL fights happen only in India, may happen in other Asian countries but never in US or Europe!

    And now I have all my American friends complaining about MILs even though they meet only during Thanksgiving and/or Christmas.

    I don't know what they think of me when I start smiling as they start their tales :)
     
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    #241
    1 person likes this.
  2. Apr 30, 2015 #242
    butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    Bravo!

    If personal stories are presented then the posters are asking for medals! If they are not quoted, they are then accused of hypocrisy!

    And yes, it also lets you nitpick on other people's progressive attitude and mount personal attacks.
     
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    #242
    3 people like this.
  3. Apr 30, 2015 #243
    Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    A recent incident, that was a whining though..

    a very old neighbour of mine shared this info, "S, look at what is happening around us, this community is going to ..., the other day my friend went for the next level discussion after the bride and bridegroom liked each other and the mother tells my friend, everything is fine. my daughter too likes your son. now what will you put for my daughter. you know she has been eyeing these diamond necklace and diamond bangles for quite some time. how about you getting her those..."

    and this lady went on to say more too.."S, all the brave girls marry intercaste, interstate and intercountry. the rest of them are now demanding giving half the salary to parents,taking care of the parents and some of them state that the boy should not live with the family..where is this country going.."

    My mindvoice.. the country is awakening, that is why the change/naadu munnerudu,urupudaradhu....(dare i say this openly to her to get another lecture starting at manusmriti to how people are doing things not allowed by the c..abacharam..)

    That said, it is a reality happening in a small percentage however minor...

    anybody watches ndtv sabyasachi's band baaja baraat..just to show some of the recent wedding happen oh i know a cousin got her daughter married off with 50lakhs/expense only the photo shoot costs around 4 lakhs, and i was shocked and listening and my dd standing next to me whispers "mom dare you do any of these. waste of money"..i agree..

    Band Baajaa Bride - Season 5

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miIio69NngA
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zp1NFhlx8UA
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-GX_MO3QNU
     
    Shanvy, Apr 30, 2015
    Shanvy, Apr 30, 2015
    #243
    3 people like this.
  4. Apr 30, 2015 #244
    armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    good .. Change start small and slowly only . But it will happen when we take it upon us not wait for other to do it.

    i like nice traditional weddings but I say sponser yourself don't drain parents for it .

    I do watch band bajana bAatat . I think most of the wedding finally and photo shoots are free or loaned for the event .
     
    armummy, Apr 30, 2015
    armummy, Apr 30, 2015
    #244
  5. Apr 30, 2015 #245
    Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @armummy

    i know the weddings in the programme are free for the people in the episode, but i know of many who ask for the same patterns and designs...
     
    Shanvy, Apr 30, 2015
    Shanvy, Apr 30, 2015
    #245
  6. Apr 30, 2015 #246
    butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    @Shanvy, I have said it before and say it again, you have raised a very sensible daughter. Kudos!

    Your post about stories of in laws treating each other well and living together is heartwarming.

    My MIL has always treated my mom as a sister, she tells me " you don't know this, ask ..(my mom), she will know everything!" When she talks about her hard work, she always says - Your mom and I worked so hard those days. My in laws and parents have lived together in my in laws house without me or my husband being there.

    One thing that I always try to remember and that has guided my relationship with SIL's in laws is what my FIL told my dad when I was getting married - " ....., I have many brothers and sisters. But you are my closest relative now. Because we have our kids' marriage in common".

    FIL and my father would discuss politics, cricket while mom and MIL would discuss cooking and mom would update her on various world events (MIL is not keen on current events).

    The beauty is my parents and in laws have a different food culture, different marriage customs, even different dialects. My father who has never liked chapatis learnt to eat them as a matter of course when at my in-laws'. My MIL who never liked rasam (still doesnt like it) but will taste and say its nice when mom/me/dad makes it.

    Of course, when I live with my inlaws or they come to my place, there are misunderstandings, hurts, accusations and betrayals.

    Like you say, its better to look at the bigger picture.

    And matriarchy, while personally I would love for that to happen being a woman, I have seen women treat men really bad. The stay-at-home dads are literally " Okay madam, seringa madam, appadiye panren" !
     
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    #246
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  7. Apr 30, 2015 #247
    sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    IL's problems are universal :) I guess. I remember one friend comparing her MIL to the "Everybody loves Roymond" MIL. They live on same street and according to her, the MIL is always interfering like Marie in the show.

    Thank God, my IL are really nice. Unlike many people I actually love it when they come and stay with us. The house is full and fun. Everyone is happy.

    There are threads where people (DIL) come acress very petty making fun of MIL or wanting them completely out of their lives and especially their grandchil'd life. Not knowing the whole story, it comes across petty and vicious. I put my mother in that place and think I will be so hurt and upset if someone makes fun of my mother. I wont treat anyone more important than my parents but I would not like to disrespect them either because they are IL's.

    Not all DIL are holier-than-thou and not all MIL's are evil as is normally portrayed.

    Just a year and half ago, my husband got a promotion that was a pretty big milesstone in his career. He knew it was coming but it happened 6 months earlier than expected. He called me immediately after he spoke with his boss and after congratulating him asked if he called his mom. He told after talking to me, he was planning to call her. I too called her later and thanked/ acknowledged their contribution his getting to where he is and that too at such younger age. It is their love and care that helped instill in him his work ethic and dicipline.

    My IL's have never made me feel like an outsider and they have gone over and beyond to make my family welcome in their lives. My family had done likewise too. There is no problem if there is mutual ove and respect but the problem is when that does not exist or is one sided.

     
    sdiva20, Apr 30, 2015
    sdiva20, Apr 30, 2015
    #247
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  8. Apr 30, 2015 #248
    butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    This is heartwarming to know. I have seen few instances too of parents adopting girls and actually saying they would like to raise a girl.
     
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    #248
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  9. Apr 30, 2015 #249
    butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    Yup, agree with you. Its wonderful how your in laws and you get along given totally different cultures. I also commend you for taking the time to acknowledge their effort in raising your husband. That is so needed as we grow older, I think. I feel so proud when my kids are complimented. This need only grows stronger when we get older and retire, have nothing much to think about and many a time, our enduring success is only our children. It means so much to hear from a DIL this acknowledgement.

    I do not stand for people staying in an abusive marriage or abusive workplace. There is no need to put up with injustice or lopsided relationships.

    What gets my goat is the petty instances you mentioned. These individuals have this knack of looking at other people's problems and project it over their lives and blow the whole thing out of proportion. Very often, such people bring the same attitude at the workplace too. They simply refuse to grow up!

    I read your response to my other posts, will address them later. I am tired of the vicious and one-sided attacks of posters here (definitely its not you :))
     
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    butterflyice, Apr 30, 2015
    #249
    3 people like this.
  10. Apr 30, 2015 #250
    sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    You daughter is smart :) I used to say to my parents spend crazy money, everyone will come eat and drink and still citicize about real or imagined shortcomings.

    Have a small beautiful cermony with people that matter, have fun and still have money to buy a house or something useful. My wedding was in US and in terms of cost on higher side even with shorter guest list. We went all out spurged but the biggest expenditure is still with me- sparkling on my left hand :). And my husband spend on most of the expenses and they key is without any debt.


     
    sdiva20, Apr 30, 2015
    sdiva20, Apr 30, 2015
    #250
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