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Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Caughtinbetween, Apr 27, 2018.

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  1. Jul 14, 2018 #31
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    CIB, congratulations! So nice to hear from you. Take care, sleep when the baby sleeps, and take lots of pictures when the baby wakes. : )
     
    Rihana, Jul 14, 2018
    Rihana, Jul 14, 2018
    #31
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  2. Jul 14, 2018 #32
    ashima10

    ashima10 Platinum IL'ite

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    i second this ! word to word !
     
    ashima10, Jul 14, 2018
    ashima10, Jul 14, 2018
    #32
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  3. Jul 14, 2018 #33
    yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Congratulation :beer-toast1:

    Enjoy your little princess .
    Give a big hug to the little angel and a giant hug to you too.
     
    yellowmango, Jul 14, 2018
    yellowmango, Jul 14, 2018
    #33
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  4. Aug 31, 2018 #34
    Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all ,

    thanks everyone for your wishes . I really appreciate and value your support . Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    So coming to the times since the baby is born : (long story as always)

    Positive : Since they came , MIL took charge of cooking lunch and dinner . I didnt cook food in this month and a half but I do rest of the household work like cleaning and other things.

    As you know its a girl and not a coveted boy so ils were mighty disappointed . H had high hopes of MIL doing things with the baby but nothing of that sort actually happened . He thought she would offer to stay in the hospital with me to take care of both of us , coming home she would offer to sleep with us in the same room to help during the nights , offer to take care of the baby while i am away at work etc ....nothing happened . I am very thankful for it actually because i did not want any of those helps . Disappointment of not getting a grandson visible all over their faces . Since we both came home from the hospital lot of things happened , as usual brainfeeding , complaints , taunts , insults and what not but nothing new for me afterall. Difference in indian and american ways of handling the baby added to it as well . I would completely keep myself busy with the baby work and not talk much to them except the basic things or if she asks something. I no longer feeling like chatting with her after some of the things she did in the days at home immediately after the birth. Sometimes I would ignore her rants and shouts and other times if she comes to me shouting I look into her eyes , firmly and calmly tell her i will take care and she feels uncomfortable and leaves the room , some other times I would not even look at her or few times I would simply shut the room door. So days are just passing like that. H is a mumma's boy anyways so initially I did loose my cool over these things and had fights but now i just ignore his talks as well if he tries to carry their messages. So far I have managed to not compromise a lot on how things are to be done with the baby .

    Now I am preparing to rejoin work in another two weeks . By then baby would be two months . So far ils havent taken care of the baby for more than an hour at a stretch . I took baby with me where ever i went . And I could feel that they are not very interested/confident / or for whatever reasons dont want to care for the baby for longer hours . Its my feeling as per few words and facial behaviors . To clarify I am absolutely happy if they dont look after the baby because thats what I always wanted . I always planned for daycare while i AM away . Because I also feel they wont be able to do that with such a tiny baby . Plus they have their own routine of food , sleep and stuff like any other 60+ couple. H wanted them to take care while they are here . Looks like gauging her sons thoughts Mil offered to help for a few days and now H insists that we leave the baby with them. I dont want to do that . I look after the baby 24*7 and in H's absence they never offered to take care of the baby while I struggled but as soon as he is back home in the evening she goes gaga over looking after the baby ...all the usual stuff . And day care is a matter of three days only , between other four days baby would be home with me mostly and H and ils alone for a day .

    Besides reminding H that except playing with the baby ils should not be given any other baby related responsibilities (he has this hunky dory picture of how his friends parents have taken care of the babies) , how his parents can do the same for the baby and all...how to convince him that day care is better ....i somehow sense some unwillingness in them which he cant see obviously
     
    Caughtinbetween, Aug 31, 2018
    Caughtinbetween, Aug 31, 2018
    #34
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  5. Aug 31, 2018 #35
    Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    One more thing ,

    how do you people get started with joining babies in the day care ? as in she would be 8 weeks . I am planning to start it a week before my actual start date . And during that week , i will take her their and stay with her , then for a day i will leave her and come home and go back to pick her up . do you people recommend to leave her in the trial week for few hours or start with 10 hours from day 1 ?
    thank you
     
    Caughtinbetween, Aug 31, 2018
    Caughtinbetween, Aug 31, 2018
    #35
  6. Aug 31, 2018 #36
    Caughtinbetween

    Caughtinbetween Gold IL'ite

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    Caughtinbetween, Aug 31, 2018
    Caughtinbetween, Aug 31, 2018
    #36
    Rihana likes this.
  7. Aug 31, 2018 #37
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    CIB, you already know I am squarely in your corner. I wish you were not dealing with these avoidable issues, and challenges were limited to lack of sleep, worrying if baby is eating enough, how to lose weight ... So, I am skipping the agreeing with you and getting straight to other points.

    Many of the things you describe could be misreading on your part to an extent. Their disappointment about baby's gender might be there but if given a chance almost any grandparent will be won over by a baby. "So far I have managed to not compromise a lot on how things are to be done with the baby ." -- this might have contributed to their being a little aloof with the baby. If they are here, and you have agreed to their being here (for whatever reason), then, some of the baby things get to be done their way as long as it is not harmful. Maybe they haven't done much with baby since cooking is totally their responsibility and you are not exactly letting them have a free hand with the baby.

    Like you have perceived some unsaid feelings on their part, they also might have felt that you are simply putting up with them, not really happy with their being here, and so on. It is not a nice feeling to come so far and know/realize that DIL is only suffering you as she has no choice. Not blaming you in any way, just presenting the possible other side.

    How to convince husband -- you could try saying day care is just 3 days, and rest of the time it will be you folks. Or that if you are not home, then in-laws will be doing more work, and that coupled with baby is too much work for them.

    My suggestion - be practical. IF you trust them with your baby, let them take care of her. Yes there will be some starting troubles as they get the hang of it, but it is worth a try. It is a huge adjustment going back to work. Having to get the baby ready for daycare each day, and her diaper bag... Having to pick up a 3 month old baby that is sleeping peacefully in the crib and put her in car seat to drop off... Telling the daycare lady that diaper was last changed when... You are underestimating the amount of work. Perhaps because you so badly do not want in-laws to take care of her. It is also almost the start of flu season. If you can delay daycare, then why not. And, it also saves money. It will also make your husband happy. One less thing he can whine about for years to come.

    Maybe have tentative daycare plans, and let in-laws try taking care of her. If it doesn't work out, go back to daycare plan. I don't know if daycares will hold a spot without taking an advance.

    Give them a chance. Try to forgive them their disappointment at gender. They are from another generation. I know it is easy for me to type this.. but again, be practical. They are your in-laws, they are your baby's grandparents. Use this visit to change the relationship into something bearable. Let it end on a not very negative note. Something that will make your future India trips somewhat pleasant for you. Think long term.

    All that said, if you absolutely don't want to leave baby with them, that is perfectly fine. Keep discussion with husband brief. Tell him you don't want to burden parents. Leave out things like his friend's parents etc.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2018
    Rihana, Aug 31, 2018
    Rihana, Aug 31, 2018
    #37
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  8. Aug 31, 2018 #38
    Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    @Rihana,

    I will never forgive anyone if they are disappointed about a girl child. You know I was waiting for three generations to have a sister, daughter and now a granddaughter. I hope I will not be disappointed.

    @Caughtinbetween,

    Lucky you. You have a princess now. Congratulations. Be a loving mother, tactful wife and brave daughter in law. My best wishes.

    Viswa
     
    Viswamitra, Aug 31, 2018
    Viswamitra, Aug 31, 2018
    #38
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  9. Aug 31, 2018 #39
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I can understand.

    Have not been able to fully forgive my own parents for their disappointment at my gender. It was and is an awful feeling to live with but I hesitate to say "will never forgive." There is something so final about never, isn't it?
     
    Rihana, Aug 31, 2018
    Rihana, Aug 31, 2018
    #39
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  10. Aug 31, 2018 #40
    Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    Yep. There has to be a finality in such determination especially if someone discriminate a child for her gender. It is not lack of judgment but cruel. Before conception, I was not given a note to choose the sex of my choice. Whether it is parent, guardian, spouse, adult child or anyone else, I would stay away, if they discriminate based on sex of a child.
     
    Viswamitra, Aug 31, 2018
    Viswamitra, Aug 31, 2018
    #40
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