1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Would you like to join the IL team? See open jobs!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  4. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

To Divorce Or Not To..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sruthiroopini, Jan 28, 2017.

  1. Nonya

    Nonya Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,465
    Likes Received:
    2,176
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Are married men nervous that whatever they say will be quoted on some internet forum, and therefore, they hold their tongue, and not talk.... even though they may be sexually active with their wives ?

    Some guys think that marriage has to be a private enterprise. Strong emphasis on the private, even though there is less enterprise in it. They don't want what happens within the marriage to get out, to the in-laws, to his parents, to "her" girl-friends, to the internet under assumed names, etc. etc.

    And that could be the issue when some wives feel that they are not getting the emotional tweaks within the marriage. It takes a bit of work to demonstrate, and establish a reputation with "him", that his secrets are safe with his wife. When that happens, he'd open up and be emotionally supportive.
     
    penpaal likes this.
  2. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    782
    Likes Received:
    463
    Trophy Points:
    138
    Gender:
    Female
    OP has clearly mentioned that she is unable to fix the problem as it cannot be taught. Neither is her husband willing to solve the problem, he is refusing to even acknowledge that there is a problem let alone solve it.
    An unhappy mother can never give a happy normal childhood to her child. By asking OP to stay with her man, we are telling OP to remain unhappy and indirectly hurting the child.
    Counsellors are not magicians, they cannot help people who are unwilling to solve the problem. Many counsellors are in fact there to make fortune out of our problems. Very few actually work towards a solution ( courtesy: I have shelled out a lot of money on counseling with no real solution because of my emotionally unavailable husband)

    Her responsibility of her son is independent of the man she chooses to live with. She does not become less of a mother just because she chooses a different man. These are just manipulations so to send OP on a guilt trip. Btw OP is an independent earning woman, so no, she is not enjoying the support of her husband. If I read her posts, all I sense is she figures no where in her husbands priorities.
     
    Bestmom, penpaal, bron and 2 others like this.
  3. OhReally

    OhReally New IL'ite

    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    @sruthiroopini, how are you doing? Can imagine that things must be going very tough for you at home, hope you are being strong and handling the stress of taking the correct decision.

    From your posts its obvious that you would like to leave your husband and give man2 a try. If you were not serious about leaving your husband you would not have let him come to know of your affair. The problem is you are not able to take this bold step after taking all the other steps i.e. meeting and falling in love with another guy, telling your parents and even telling your husband. What exactly is holding you back? You must think clearly and intently about this.

    Is is just that you seek your parents permission or approval? You have mentioned again and again that your parents are not understanding you. (" My parents started screaming abuses, advises and drew scenarios of what would happen to a lone woman" )

    Is it that you are in a way unsure of man 2 at the last minute? ( "I have a proof that Man 2 is sexually out-of-the-world. But I am sure that he is not going to be a great live in partner like my husband and I am willing to take that risk.") Are you willing to take this risk? Any woman married for 8+ years knows the value of a good husband and father, a peaceful family life.
    Is it that you dont really want to leave your husband? You have intentionally or non intentionally praised your husband several times and even repeatedly said that he is a good husband and father, and that he is committed to you ( "He is committed to me, he married me despite all odds and so he wants to be with me")

    Or if none of the above is holding you back but its only the thought of your son, then I fail to understand why would you even indulge in an affair for a whole 6 months and then even make this affair known to your parents and husband, this resulting in a lot of upheaval at home and worsening of all relations including your son being told that you will live away from him?

    If you had not thought about the result of these actions and the reaction at home and not even made a decision to divorce or not to divorce.... then I am afraid you cannot trust your decision about trusting man 2 with your whole life just 6 months after meeting him. Please dont get carried away, think ten times before you leap. Good luck!!!
     
  4. senoritaaa

    senoritaaa Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    64
    Likes Received:
    29
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Man2 is could be just exploiting your situation. There are high chances. So think well before you make any decisions . How can a husband who knows his wife is close to another man be affectionate and loving to her?
     
  5. dollysonpari

    dollysonpari Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    688
    Likes Received:
    57
    Trophy Points:
    85
    Gender:
    Female
    Sorry to ask finally where did u end up?

    hope u had happy ending with ur husband n kid.. living happily for ever like a fairy tale .
     
  6. GlobetrotterG

    GlobetrotterG Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    147
    Likes Received:
    88
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Im a single mother of a girl kid, used to live in chennai/Bangalore .When you decide to walk out of a marriage, your life is your hands. You no longer have a co-captain, you’re driving alone. One of the first areas you have to assume responsibility for is your own well-being. You can’t outsource healing; you have to do it yourself. It was really scary taking on all of the responsibility myself. Yet it’s also empowering. Because what you own, you can change. It’s your life now.I realized that first few years after divorce was a time of significant personal growth, with greater independence and more personal choices. It is crucial to work to create a better life. Mourning for the loss of a relationship is healthy and normal. You must give yourself permission to feel grief, go through it, and emerge. Even if the marriage was badly flawed, you invested time and emotion in it and its loss is painful.

    In the beginning, divorce did sap my confidence. I was feeling defeated because i couldn’t hold my marriage together. And when i faced the marriage/ dating scene again, yet older and saggier than before, my self-doubt grew. But i did feel a sense of relief because my relationship was particularly stressful towards the end. If u are getting out of a marriage fraught with conflict or violence you will be happier in the long term, However , there could be a different kind of stress : The stresses of being in an unhappy marriage may simply be replaced by different worries, such as not being able to trust a man again, struggling to find a perfect partner or a fear of being rejected.

    Many of the feelings after a divorce are perfectly natural, as i experienced confusion and uncertainty about the future. Similarly, learning how these feelings may affect one's ability to connect with other family members, such as children, is important, as well was importaant. I think that the average divorced woman has less money than the average married woman and women don't completely recover from the financial consequences of divorce until re-marriage or focus on their career.

    Second-guessing was common, I felt a sense of guilt for the demise of the marriage. Did i work hard enough to save my marriage? Did i hasten its demise by something i did, or did not do? Have i scarred my children? These negative thoughts ate me and crippled my ability to respond to new situations, as my brain was forever dwelling on old issues. It's especially true as my kid was involved and i felt as though i was responsible for breaking up a family and causing emotional trauma.I felt saddened by the sudden loss of my marriage. My dreams for the future was wrapped up in marriage, and now that hope for the future appeared to be gone. Increased responsibility combined with the realization that the life yu envisioned no longer exists correlates with the fact i suffered from depression. I felt fearful of small, immediate issues and fearful of distant problems yet to arrive. Easily said, harder to do: I did try not to worry. Anger consumed me at the cost of clear thinking and wise choices for me and my children. I think my anger rose from my fears, and was work hard to conquer those fears.

    It makes us mature , leaves no room for overdependence on others and childhood fantasies and.Since i faced my fears and survived, i acquired strength. And whenever i come through a struggle bruised and battered yet without giving up, i built trust in your abilities. As the dust settled, i found an increased thankfulness for the friends who stepped up and stood by. Now i treasure every day where the smiles outnumber the tears. And i will retain that gratitude even as the pain fades because once as i have felt rock bottom, i appreciate everything that lifts me up. I was able to see past patterns now, that was less cloudeded by emotion and cluttering detail. That perspective gave me an insight to change my own behavior and to improve my future relationships.When i felt pain, i honored and respected that pain in others. The end of a marriage made more empathetic towards people facing any kind of loss. As i moved towards acceptance and forgiveness of my situation and my ex, i developed the ability to see more than one viewpoint and to consider the feelings of others. Divorce also wiped away the ego that demands that it’s shameful to ask for help.

    The journey of divorce was an arduous one, took much longer and with more setbacks than i imagined before i took that first step. It had many moments of false-hope when i thought that worst was behind me, only to find that i was snapped back yet again to the depths of hopelessness
     
  7. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    360
    Likes Received:
    603
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    @GlobetrotterG - are you a troll ? You have copy - pasted this exact same reply as above at atleast 3 other posts within the ILs. Something doesn't look right to me .
     

Share This Page