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to be or not to be friends

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rosita19, Jun 26, 2010.

  1. rosita19

    rosita19 New IL'ite

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    Hello girls,
    I am married and have 1 yr old boy. My husband has a younger brother and he got married in Jan 2010. My FIL, my BIL and we all live separately.

    My question - is it right to get close and friendly to MIL and SIL. When i got married i felt very lonely in this new family of mine,, as i have always been used to living with my sister and having a very friendly mom. My MIL isnt too bad so i started talking to her and got friendly with her but then realised as we got close she started interfering a bit too much in my life,, every where from what i feed my son, what i do on weekend,, who my friends r, their background extra. so then i though probably its the generation gap and so i decreased my talking with her.

    Then i was waiting for my BIL to get married so that i will have a girl of my age group to talk to. He finally did marry this year. i tried being super nice to her even b4 the wedding,, but didnt get the same back from her. She would only be nice to me in front of others otherwise she would never reply to my mails or calls. I though ok maybe she is in that lovey dovy phase and just wants to be in contact with my BIL.
    Now she is married and has settled down and we both started talking alot and got very friendly and close. i was happy but then suddenly started realising that she is being too direct and rude sometimes. She says my son doesn't look nice or cute in certain pics,, she says that i am fat. and talks to me as though i m younger to her. Where as i m her elder SIL and in fact 5 yrs elder to her. i really don't want any sour feeling with her coz i am afraid that will effect my relationship with my BIL and that might effect my husband's relationship with his brother.
    IS this happening coz i let them be sooo free with me that they forget their boundaries or have i just got an immature (or ill mannered)SIL.

    cant we have a friendly and casual relationships with our MIL and SIL.
    i would really like to know how everyone's relationship is with their MIL and SILs.
     
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  2. psych

    psych Gold IL'ite

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    Is your new SIL always mean to you? or is it that some remarks annoy you? Some people have a very frank and direct nature and she may not be aware that she is hurting you. Also does she show any signs of good friendship ? ex - does she call u on ur bdday or ur babys bdday? does she inquire about your well being or your sons well being? try to see if being direct is her nature. if so then that may be her nature and she may not be doing it intentionally. but if its more directed towards you only then i would keep a distance and just keep it to a hi-bye relationship. keep it casual
     
  3. rosegirl

    rosegirl Bronze IL'ite

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    I feel that you should set your boundaries firmly. If she still manages to be mean, then its her nature. You should keep away.

    Why dont you get in touch with your school and college friends through orkut and facebook and talk to them or meet them.

    Its always good to keep a certain distance with in-laws because they usually have some agenda in mind. Friends on the other hand are advisable than inlaws to talk and share things.
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    You can't be friends with SIL/co-sisters .You need to watch her sometime.If you both turn out to be similar intersts later point then you can be friend.But right now treat her as your family member and not as friend.
    As others mentioned,look for friends in your work or near by house or some old buddies.You never know what other person interest is especially with new family relation.You need to get her more before you decide on antyhing.
     
  5. shruthi10

    shruthi10 New IL'ite

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    I am currently also v friendly with my MIL and SIL (DH's sis) but I don't see any problems for now...however, there are still boundaries as I cant tell them everything or trust them 100%....when things go wrong, they might start pointing fingers or quote me...

    In yr case, I think yr SIL may be just a little too frank for yr liking...she speaks her mind but hurts u in the process...you cld tell her in a firm, friendly manner that you don't appreciate such comments from her...am sure u wld know what to do, you seem like a v rational woman :thumbsup
     
  6. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Rosita,

    If i were in your place, i would concentrate on my immediate family ie., my husband and children.. I would not have tried to waste my time and energy on MIL or SIL..

    Firstly, I think you have everything well with your partner, so be happy for that.. There are several woman who suffer because their partner cheats them, lies and tortures his wife..

    Secondly, given your SILs behavior, i think it is not mere frankness.. There is some kind of rivalry, that is why she is speaking mean things to you.. You can confront her and tell her that you do not appreciate those comments and neither is she any Ms perfect.. Keep distance from such people.. Dont try to get over friendly with such people and end up hurting yourself.. You can just keep a hi-bye relation during functions-festivals..


    Here at IL you have both kinds, women who do have a friendly relation with MIL and SIL, and women who are not even on talking terms because of MIL harassment.. It is your choice, the choice which makes you feel happier and let live your life fully..
     
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2010
  7. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Yep you can try having a friendly relationship, but it would work with some and it may not with some. There is no hard fast rule that it has to work or it wont work.

    Just give your best shot and see where its all going. Also another thing here is with our friends, we take their comments/suggestions very easily. Like if our friend tells us what and what not to feed our kids, we take it in a positive note, even if we dont like the suggestion we just brush it aside and move on with what we want to do, but when it comes to family members we tend to get hurt and take it more personal. So just dont take it as if your MIL /SIL is trying to get you. If they suggest something, take what you like and the rest ignore..

    I am saying the above only because you are interested in being friends with them. Also as long as someone is not abusive/outright nasty, its always nice to be friends with our inlaws isnt it? we all disagree with someone or the other at one point or the other, but dont keep it in heart for too long and best solution is quickly to let go. But if things come to an extent of hurting you, then take it slow and be a silent spectator for a while to understand whats their perspective on things.

    Good luck to you dear! Also friendships would be built over time...so dont feel bad if things are not working out as you expected.
     
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2010
  8. pamrang

    pamrang Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Rosita,

    To me, the fact that your SIL did not respond very well to you even before marriage suggests that she wasn't all that keen on having a nice relationship with you as you had with her. So, my suggestion would be that you try to keep a little distance with her. Also, when people are very forthcoming and friendly, certain immature persons do not appreciate it and adopt an unnecessary superior attitude. I think your SIL may be doing the same thing. So, better to not try to be too friendly with her - of course, I am not suggesting that you should avoid her or be rude to her etc. Just like many others have suggested, try to make friends from ur work place or revive old friendships and do not rely too much on ur adopted family for emotional support.

    Good luck,

    Padhma
     
  9. vidu24

    vidu24 Silver IL'ite

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    I was also in the same situation where i want to maintain a friendly relationship with my inlaws/sis/co sisters. My MIL stayed with me for almost a year when i got married and came to US. Once i started to get close towards them my mil starts to interfere in all my activities like cooking, where to go out , what things i buy what is my financial comitments etc. Iam a person who dont want to share or discuss the financial comitment to anybody other than my husband. I didnt like that. So i tried to cut short my talkings with them and gradually they reduced asking all sorts of questions. It is always good to have a healthy relationship with them but at the sametime its better to have some boundaries. This is just my view.
     
  10. sansmomy

    sansmomy Bronze IL'ite

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    YES. You can have friendly relationship with MIL/SIL, however as Sri said, it may or may not work with someone. My exp is: I tried establishing good relation with MIL and i succeeded. I have a very friendly and loving relationship with my MIL. She cares for me like her own daughter.

    I approached my DH's cousin bro's wife (my co-sis) with same enthusiasm, but cudnt really get much reciprocation. Though, she is not rude to me, she maintains cordial relationship and plays safe. I have learnt with the interactions that she may not be willing to come too close and i guess, i am fine with it. Afterall, we can not force friendship, isnt it?

    Yes, you can give a try, but if not successful, do not loose heart...You will get many more friends in life than these and many friends are waiting for you here at the indusladies group..So, cheer up :)

    ~S.
     

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