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Tired Of Being Manipulated, Have A Child So Any Advice On Anticipated Divorce?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by tulip07, Apr 4, 2021.

  1. tulip07

    tulip07 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi everyone,

    I have been a silent reader of this group since my last post here. There have been quite a lot of changes in my life since then. Long post...

    We had a love marriage 8 years ago. We both were born and brought up in Delhi, but he is originally from Kerala (his Parents have now moved back). Ever since we got married, there has been a friction between me and his parents (esp. my late Father in Law). My FIL was a very egoistic man. He believed men are superior to women and had told me the same on my face, a 100 times. He also believed that women should be controlled by their husbands. We never shared a good relationship, and last year he passed away. Ever since, my MIL is alone in Kerala, while we live in the Europe. Due to Covid restrictions, we couldn't bring her here till now.

    I come from a middle class family and my parents are originally from Uttarakhand. Both my Mom n Dad, worked equally hard to give me good education and have a decent lifestyle. In our house, men and women were treated equally and same was reflected in my parents relationship as well. I was 19 when I met my husband, and got married when I turned 23 (which I now think was quite early). We both had a very smooth relationship prior to marriage, we speak Hindi at home and are not very religious people.

    Fast forward to 2018, when our daughter was born. Ever since then, my husband kind of had a postpartum depression. His parents are financially and emotionally dependent on him and he only felt more responsibility burden on him since our daughter was born. Both of us work and earn decent salaries. Towards Sept 2018, my husband started disliking his job and started to aspire either having his own business or a management position. He loves his daughter but won't do much for her. I feed her, give her a bath, wash clothes, buy clothes, buy her toys, search for daycare, play with her, take her out etc (since 3 years now). He would basically just pick her up and drop her at the daycare. Since May 2020, he started going into depression and in July he lost his father. Since then, we have had huge changes in our life...

    - He hates his profession (as it was his Father's ambition not his).
    - He has moved into Art & Photography. The photography style he moved to is called 'Boudoir' and 'Fine Art Nude'. I had troubles accepting this change and still have sometimes. I know he is an Artist and it was his father who had curbed this talent of his all his life. However, its little difficult for me to be able to see my husband click nude women.
    - I also started to style these women and kind of liked the whole experience.
    - His mother is meanwhile alone at their native place, and I speak with her only ocassionally (you can call me a bad person, but I simply find myself not connected to her because of the language barrier and the kind of narrow minded woman that she is).

    My husband also has problems why I don't speak with his sister who actually skipped our wedding and really never bothered to call or message us.

    NOW, my husband says----

    - He is tired of speaking Hindi with me
    - He doesn't like our daughter talking to my parents most of the times and not to his folks
    - Me trying my daughter to speak in Hindi
    - I did not make efforts in talking to his sister and making relationship
    - I am a Bitch to keep him far away from his relatives and culture (I don't understand why I should feel responsible for this?)
    - He basically hates the institution called Marriage and wants to get rid of the obligations and responsibilities by just paying me off!
    - He wants to live his own life free of any worries about family
    - He doesn't feel connected to our daughter because she is always searching for her Mom and is more close to me
    - He just wants to live with his Mom and pursue his passion and life

    Why I don't agree for a mutual divorce ---

    - I supported him throughout his passion for the Boudoir photography.
    - I don't want my daughter to suffer in custodial battle between parents and with sharing of responsibilities
    - Tolerated his worst moods and made him feel better every time
    - Accepted him as he is
    - Never forced him to maintain relationship with my folks (its always his will)
    - I want my daughter to have both parents and a stable family until she is at least 15 year old
    - I think his behaviour is temporary, since he is depressed.

    If I want a divorce, I guess I want it to be a little UNFAIR.
    I want him to give me whole custody of my daughter, we change her surname and he gives me the house where we currently live. These are a few of my conditions which I am thinking of.

    My question is,

    Has anyone had a divorce and can advice me in anyway? About the child? about other factors I should consider during the divorce?

    What should I do - take a divorce at all? Or will he get better when he comes out of depression?

    Please help!
    EightKittens likes this.

  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    meet a lawyer and discuss what and all you want and the way you want. have the list and you ask if your H agrees for that way. He may agree for the betterment of the kid, that kid can stay with you full custody, he will visit the kid. Only if you talk with him you know what he really wants. If he agrees it is mutual. He may not agree for changing surname.
    You can try separation also.
  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    This is BS. Wasn't he living in Delhi previously.
    Consult a lawyer about the divorce details and make a decision.
    Generally he will have to pay alimony and child support.
    If he is bitter, he may fight you on child custody even though he may not love the kid.
  4. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    I would say send your husband to live with his mother for some days may be months. Let him taste what kind of life he will have after divorce without wife. He will definitely come back begging to you. These guys feel grass is greener on other side while devoted wife is slogging to make ends meet, pamper husband kids, trying her best selflessly. His mother won’t be able to adjust life abroad so he will have no other place or anybody to pamper him.
    This could be winter depression or mid life crisis. You should not worry for your future or daughters future. Be strong and do what make you happy. If u obey one thing he will demand more and more.
  5. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    Is it a mutual decision to go for divorce? If so, be firm, consult attorney

    Do you want divorce?
    Whats your plans? How old is your kid?

    Your kid need both of you for sure. In USA, kids name can't be changed without the permission of both parents. Its based on court order. Check this.

    Please don't take an emotional decision. Be practical. Its easy to break. In my opinion there are three cases where its inevitable - adultry/abuse/ adiction. It appears like your isssues are normal issues that can be solved to some extent, if both of you work together.
    Anyway, its your life your choice. Its sad to see how a love marriage with all the needed components turned this bitter.

    Or consider separation... Let him live the way he wants, seek help for depression and see how it goes. Many men feel neglected after kids. What about your case? If you dont want divorce, need to explore other options.

    Give some time to both of you. I will reply later. Need to hear from you.
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2021
  6. lavani

    lavani Platinum IL'ite

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    I second this . DO not waste money on revenge . Divorce neither party wins. only the lawyer wins. let him go and stay with mommy .

    focus on your life.

    - I want my daughter to have both parents and a stable family until she is at least 15 year old

    also this statement, is just a lie which people just tell them. stable family is where both adults put in equal effort. otherwise it is just dysfunctional and just an illusion. please do not control anything. you are not his mom , no need to show aggression or begging. he is an adult who makes his choices and has consequences.

    not sure how your country or state laws are , in USA marital property is joint, so profit and debt is also joint. may be you need to consult attorney if he adds a lot of DEBT with this new life style. , how to protect yourself.
  7. Ruby2019

    Ruby2019 Gold IL'ite

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    So..he’s planning to go back to Kerala to shoot pictures of naked woman or bring his mum with him and continue this..?

    I feel for you...no woman deserves this. It’s really important to understand oneself before getting committed in marriage. He’s really gone bonkers and I agree with the rest that you can ask him to go ahead with his plans for a while and see how he feels and decide if this is what he wants.

    At the same time, do note that this is a huge red flag. Many men feel this way but never say it out and just continue with room mate relationship with their spouses and the spouse may wish that he would be honest with his feelings. Honestly at least he understands himself and is honest with you.

    You need to be ready and accept that he might come back and say that’s the life he prefers cause it’s the ‘easier’ route. If he does say that, are you ready for him to continue living with you as a disengaged parent and spouse? Will that make you happy? Will you think 5 years down that you wished you let me walk away?
    Kids are not dumb. They know disfunctional families. Better to have 1 strong parent vs 2 parents who will not be able to give their best due to their own differences and unhappiness.
    Speak to a lawyer soon to know your options.
  8. Rose03

    Rose03 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Tulip07,

    never take decision in hurry , think list the pros and cons of your decision .

    it is very easy to break , but very difficult to joint all the pieces together . I really feel whether it is a love or arranged marriage , husband-wife relationship is fragile . The generation we have now , where women are financially independent, and managing both work and home , we should learn to be emotionally independent as well . not all of us are lucky to get an understanding husband .

    Relationship is very complicated .

    I highly recommend you to visit a counsellor for yourself , expressing what you are going through . Then to seek couple counselling /counselling for your husband .
  9. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    OP POSED her issue here on fourth April 21 and its followed by six replies till twelfth of April 21. Now today in August21 Rose03 posts her solution.

    OP HAS not responded here to the solutions of six experts till date.

    What the responders infer from this story & present status?

    OP CAN switch all her interest to learn tricks and ideas for what is loved by her DH. she can gather ideas from google and get trained for a while . If interest of the couple merge, his interest in continuation of marriage is a possibility.
    Ideas in link:
    And there are many more. In Europe one can make fantastic buck as well as could become celebrity!

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