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Tired of advises!! just needed to vent and need tips to handle these better.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by friendlygirl, Dec 30, 2014.

  1. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

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    i am 3 months pregnant and i have my in laws at home for 4 months who are very helpful when it comes to home chores etc.

    I have 2 year old at home and they take care of him very well as well.
    no complaints there.

    But my problem is i am not big into cooking and i love to work.
    but my mil believes that a womens place in this wrold is at home; cooking , cleaning, putting up with husbands when they behave nastily, feeding everyone should be her only and main responsibility.

    i have explained to her many times that this is not me and my husband is compeltely fine with who i am.

    but i get advise from her every single day on this, some days i keep quiet, some days i jsut cant take it , i dont shout at her or raise my voice i end up defending myself . i am exhasuted.

    i had an ivf and it was a stressful journey, having them home for this was helpful in certain way but to hear this everyday is adding to my stress and i just hate to be home.

    i know, i shouldnt be bothered by this and jsut move on with it, but some days she jsut gets on my nerves.

    my dad helps my mom in evertyhing that she does. he doesn't care what kind of work it is. they split it 50 -50 and my husband also is like this.

    but she does everything she can to change that because she treats her husband like a child and her son like a new born, and thinks that is the best way.

    she does everything for me too and she expects that i be the same with everyone. i have tried to get my point across by saying i dont need you treat me like a child always and i dont want to be expected to treat everyone like that, but she never udnerstands that and thinks she is teaching me how to be by being an example.

    it is causing lot of stress.

    i know there is nothing i can do..but i jsut needed to vent .
    thanks for listeneing ladies.
     
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  2. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Hugs to you dear.
    Ignoring her words in exchange for all the help that they have given i guess is a small price to pay. If she likes to cook and clean, let her ..You just kick back and do your own things.You are thankful for their support and it shows that you value them and their feelings. Means you are a good human being. So just tune out whenever she goes into this behaviour. For the rest, we are all here.. Vent all you want and we will all be right here :)
     
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  3. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    I don't think you can explain it to her. So, save your energy. Don't tell her how you work things out with your husband. You can just say you are doing things the way your husband insists. Let him explain to her that he is doing it willingly, and that she should not comment now especially since you are pregnant.

    As for the things she does for you, try to do those things beforehand. Beat her to it. Let her know that if you need help, you will ask for it. She should relax a little and not worry so much about you.
     
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  4. oysterzzz

    oysterzzz Gold IL'ite

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    My MIL is also the same. Just like yours but good thing about her is she doesn't try to give gyan to others, especially to me. So whenever she gives advice, better change the topic or switch on the tv.
     
  5. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all, Thanks for your responses. It is more annoying than anything. My preg hormones are going crazy already and my husband is supportive but cannot do anything much. I dont force him either.

    I came to office today eventhough i didnt have to since i jsut wanted to get away. I am thankful for this option. But i also miss my time with my son. but instead of sitting there and hearing all the nonsense, i will jsut take sometime off to be with myself and come back home rejuvunated to take some advises.
     
  6. sheztheone

    sheztheone Platinum IL'ite

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    Since you are 3 months pregnant already, and are able to go to work, I presume that you do not have any complications (touchwood)...? And if they are there for the next 4 months, it means they are going to be with you through your second trimester. Not to be rude, but am wondering why you called them in the first place, since you say your H shares chores.
    If you do not have complications and are able to work, the second trimester is the easiest. It is good that you appreciate your MIL for her help, but it comes with a price which is this free advice. It might be better to have them over much later into the pregnancy, when you will be too big to do everything on your own. It will only stress you out more if you have to go through this everyday. JMO.

    As regards your kid, you can try looking at preschool/daycare with a bit of flexibility at work.
     
  7. vqueen

    vqueen Senior IL'ite

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    hugs to you dear!!
    i know that feeling bcoz my MIL is also like that only. she always try to say some gnan to me(which she really don't follow :bang).
    your MIL is at least following her words:wow


    just convey your message through your husband. when ever you feel like irritated just change the topic or just say your hungry:idea (as u r pregnant it kinda work for you).
     
  8. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

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    shethezone

    My husband is the only son and they wanted to come and spend time with their son and grandson, since they were missing them. I cannot say no to that. They are here for another 2 months.

    My son already goes to full time day care but the day care if closed for two weeks for christmas and holidays and hence he is at home. My son was also not well for the past one month adn they were very helpful.

    I can really manage without them, but i being an only kid for my parents i completely understand what they go though when they say they want to spend time.

    my husband shares chores but he also has a habit of making big deal about small things.

    for example, giving my son a bath and putting him to sleep is a small day to day thing if i do it, but if my husband had to do it, he will make sure that everyone knows he is doing it. My inlaws who already are not supportive of my husband doing anything, will think my husband is struggling and will give me even more advises.

    It is my husbands character to announce what he is doing and how it is a big deal...it is 10 years now and i know him well enough to know that it is jsut his way to doing things. But when his aprents are here, it doesnt work well, since they think that he is doing lot more than he is supposed and is struggling to balance work adn life. Small things like this jsut adds up. I cant tell this to my husband since he doesnt understand.

    yesterday night i wasn't well since my nausea was really bad and i have a cold, i requested myt husband to put my son to sleep...he sad yes, but listed all the things that are getting delayed since he ahd to do that. his parents got annoyed at me...and on top of it my son was not sleeping..i ended doing it.

    Had he not advertised what sacrifice he is doing to ut my son to sleep, things would haev been better.

    when i told him this, he never understands, since he says " i immediately came to help adn still you find the need to complain".

    What do i do. if they were not here, i wouldnt bother about what my husband says and even if it takes one hour for him to put my son to sleep, i would have been fine. I cannot do it with them since they will interfere and make it a big deal about how it is only mom who can comfort the baby.

    I am a very attached mom and my son loves me very much. Cooking and spoling and over pampering my child is not my style. i am not saying it is right but it works for me and my family. But she doesnt understand that and gives me hard time with these advises any chance she gets.

    for example..few days back, we got a notice from day care for a cooking class for kids. I said it is a greta program but since my son is only two eyars old it might not be good but maybe once he is 5 or 6 i will send him. immediately she started questioning me lik "dont you as a mother dont want to cook for your child and be the sole person who cooks?" how cooking is feeding is improtnant blah blah....

    I was quiet initally but then later i said, jsut ebcuase he is going to cooking class at 5, doesnt mean he is going to cook his own dinner or lunch..it is jsut a class about how to make pb&J sandwiches, pasta sald, cookie, etc... but even if they grow up and old enough to use the burner i dont mind if they say, they want to cook noodles or show itnerest in cooking (let it be the boy or girl) . She didnt like the answer..and i get a lecture again as to how, it should be mom who should be doing this.

    i try not to talk but when you are in small house, and have a toddler at home, it is not possible to lock yourself up adn not have a covnersation.

    Anyways..i jsut needed to vent. thanks for everyone whor ead my long post patently and offered advise.
     
  9. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    You should let her know you are not looking for parenting tips. Tell them your husband and you decided to make your son independent. Tell her that is how you do things in your house.

    She will have to adjust if she is staying at your place. She should not find fault with you during your pregnancy. Let her know you are not well now, and want to rest, as per doctor's instructions. Say you have been advised to rest and not do much work now. Get your husband's support on this.

    So, if she feels something is not done, she can do it, without involving you. Listen to soft, soothing music. Talk to your unborn child. It will help his development. Spend time with your kid.
     
  10. Me1

    Me1 Silver IL'ite

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    Exactly same happens with me. I rush to office just to get away from her. She keeps on distributing her gyan. Initially I used to get upset a lot but now everytime she speaks something like this I will say ok or any assertive sentence and start singing a bhajan to control my anger.
     

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