Tired and Confused! Need Direction and Help

Friends I have a lot of problems going on in my marital life and I really need an insight and guidance. I had a love marriage and me and my then boy friend had a lot of love and understanding between us. He showed that he gave importance to my feelings, my aspirations and people important in my life. I obviously did the same and genuinely always wanted to do the best I can in this relationship. He had some financial issues before marriage which I tried helping out with and we also got married much earlier than I wanted as his parents wanted it. Since I was just finishing my studies when we decided to get married, I wanted to serve my parents after marriage, which he agreed to.

Then we got married and hell let loose…..he was a very different person. Rather than giving importance to the life we started together he from day one just talked to me about getting the loans paid, kept reminding me again and again that I was in a new family and now I have to do everything according to them. He even clearly told me in indian societies girls give nothing to their parents and so things talked before marriage no longer mattered. When I spoke back, he told me many times that I was marrying him not signing a contract with him so whatever we discussed about serving my parents did not matter. It was not just this…he used to be cold, temperamental and right after marriage when I needed him the most he was just concerned about his parents and his side of family. Then I started getting regular lessons about, girls duty in traditional india, girls duty towards husbands family, how to talk to my parents, etc etc etc. I must mention that I myself come from a cultured family and I always tried to stand by him in all his responsibilities. I gave more importance to his parents and sil every single time than my family and made their needs were dealt with. In about 1.5 years after marriage I helped them pay off their home loans, car (~18 lakhs) etc, always tried to mingle with his family, never replied back to anyone and genuinely tried to inculcate love in the family. I am not saying this to boast about all this but just to tell that I myself valued all this. My husband was a student and I was the one working, which ofcourse is against the concept of traditional indian society but he did not feel bad about that at all….but when it came to myside of the family he conveniently became conservative, in telling me parents need to be forgotten and distance maintained with them and that went to even the extent of him telling me how many times I should talk to them on phone, what to talk etc etc.
I have an elderly brother who means a lot to me, we have a big age gap and so growing up he has been my mentor helping me through everything. Mine was an intercast love marriage and so parents had some sort of issues (that is my guess), he and my bhabi (his spouse) for my happiness stood by my side and made it happen. My husband always knew before marriage what they have done for me and what they meant. Until the time they helped me for making this marriage happen they were “extremely good”, right after marriage he used to say distasteful things about them. He would misinterpret the things they said and blow them out of proportion just to show his anger. And trust me if they were wrong I would have stood by my husband, but I know my husband is just doing this to creat a rift between them and me. Even when my bhabi had a miscarriage after years of trying for baby, my husband selfishly said that I should not worry too much as I am married and should only be concerned about matters of my present family

We went back to india for our first vacation after marriage. We had very limited resources…as we used to live in different cities for work and he was studying and I had an entry level job. We took a lot of gifts for his side of family, took care of all expenses, took them for trip etc etc , we spent almost 2.5-3 lakh on for his side of family, it was not easy for us at that time and really I wanted them to enjoy , have a good time and my husband to feel that if am more than willing to be his right hand until he is on his feet. We did all this shopping here together and I bought stuff for about 10,000 Rs for my side of the family. When we took out gifts for after reaching india, he happily took out everything with me for his parents and sister in front of them. When I started showing gifts we bought for my family, he stood at distance. Because his parents would not like it. Later he had some talk with his parents and he insulted me a lot for buying stuff for my family, completely leaving my side. On the same trip he would have issues me going and visiting my parents…….I had to meet my sister after 1.5 years, who lives in a different city (my brother already lives in a different country) and he said he wont go as his mom wont allow us. I spent 80% of time with inlaws on the trip and 20% with my parents and he was too uncomfortable as his parents wanted more. His parents also expect me to follow everything he wants and not to impose anything on him saying its patriarchy society

All this over years this has been causing so much resentment that I feel I am alone in this family and I have no security. He is totally just concerned about what his parents need and want first and foremost and wants me to keep what he and his parents want a top priority. Which I really try my best to do but its just not enough for him. He keeps poking u did not do this, did not do that , even petty things like you add your relatives on facebook you should find my relatives (people I have never met or seen) and add them. He does not want to talk to his relatives himself on phone and wants me to pick phone and call everyone…..I get tired of all this. His dad even told me if your husband is so important to you leave your parents completely, if I had answered back saying the same for him, they would have said I don’t have good values. I recently told my family about all this and they are ready to support me if I want to step out of the marriage, I would like to give one last shot to fix things, but I don’t know how and I am tired. Need help and suggestions

 

"If you want a simple solution. Decide that you have no brain on your own and start acting as he says. Believe me a lot of women live like that because they are not ready to say that their marriage is not working."

Thanks a bunch for your reply. Yes this is exactly what he wants.....be a "yes woman" and cut ties with my family to maximum possible extent. And look at the double standards, with those expectations, he has always been more concerned about what his parents want and think without caring about me. Not being able to serve my parents financially and his changed attitude right after marriage kept me in a lot of pain. But nothing ever melted in him............yes I stay in north america. The first time we went back home after 1.5 years, he was a completely different person with me in front of his parents, like he just has a team with his parents. He would be so temperamental and controlling all the time that I cried every single day during visit. This is when even here in north amarica we were living in different cities due to work and we were going to be together for a month after about 1.25 years.

Because of his different faces I dont trust him, I feel he can turn his back on me anytime. This has been pulling me into depression all through the marriage. Yet I kept a smiling face in front of everyone until we had a big fight few months back and i revealed things to my folks. When things came in front of his family his dad said, I had been cheap in bringing up the money issue, and he was ofcourse with them completely forgetting what i tried to do for the family and how he turned back on me for the smallest things I wanted to do for my parents. Its not really even just about money, I feel his love and warmth is conditional upon whether i do as he says or not. What is the point of being life partners if we dont value what is important for each other or rely on each other

I have been an independent individual, I have always felt I have full responsibility towards my old parents just like a son as they did everything and more for me than they did for their son. And I dont think I am wrong in thinking that. I feel husband and wife should be equal, should support each other in all walks of life and have their own individuality. I cant be a puppet..........and I never showed I was one when we were dating.........to which he conveniently says girls have to change after marriage, you came to this family not me.

The life he wants me to live is not who I am, I have made my share of adjustments, always given importance to what he wants but nothing is just enough for him. And the main issues arise if I express to do something for my side of the family. Even if I call a relative of mine once in 6 months, it makes me a bad wife, someone no getting adjusted in current family. I have been an earner throughtout if he were not important nothing would have stopped me for doing what i wanted, but I always wanted to go ahead with his happiness. And yet he does not even FYI me when he is sending lakhs of rupees to his folks after he started earning. Now I m so tired dealing with this day in and day out that I have no motivation, I just cant pull myself and fight and I cant figure out how else to deal with this

Riya you are right I am being controlled and for them this is normal, a wife/ dil has to be controlled and there is nothing wrong about it. I dont want to hurt them by behaving snobbish but I dont agree with/ cant deal with their attitude either