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Time to get answer

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SurekhaKrishna, Sep 22, 2014.

  1. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    I have been telling my hubby that I can't cook on every weekends round the calendar.i also told him 2 years back that I can cook everything in morning and go out to library for the rest of the day.he does not want me to go outside when his parents have come in weekends.there is a difference when cooking for just 3 of us and cooking for 5 people.
    who will handle it even on a Sunday.eating outside every week is not an option.
    My hubby won't listen to me since 2 years.the result is no outings,family get together with friends families,no vacations.we have been hosting party each weekend.if we fail to invite one week MIL is inquiring and questioning my hubby why we are not inviting them.my H is an emotionally weak person.he don't want his mom to be unhappy.MIL is cooking in her DD home and need plenty of rest.so she comes to my home and party time is started here.

    My hubby don't have enough time to relax and not going to gym.based on both of our health reasons,he being diabetic it is a must to maintain his body weight.i am recently diagnosed with thyroid,iron deficient.both of us are not having proper rest and doing things for his mom sake.
     
  2. RADIODOC679

    RADIODOC679 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP-Really-Your MIL should know-????Going by her reactions ,its clear she doesn't even acknowledge you as a person,then how the hell will she understand what you do-how you do etc...Dont expect anything from her-Ignore her-I too had similar experiences-remember its a universal truth-MIL is & will alwyas be MIL-so never try to expect things like we do from our parents-Take maid's help or ask hubby-& try to get away from your toxic mil with your DD -it will clear up your mind!!
     
  3. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    I will ask mil to start eating our meals.the food will be so hot at that time.so I need to cool it a little by spreading on a big plate...she comes running and serves a full plate and gives first to her husband.she will be eating before my DD's hot food cools down.my DD would eat only her first bite.

    In our house the elders are served first.Why should you bother who is served first.You seem to dread to see them eat thier fill.(thats quiet mean when she helps you with the cooking)

    2.whenever I hand over things like pillows,dinner plates,big serving spoons to her,she either grabs in a rough way or can't wait till the object is stable in mine or her hand.

    i feel she acts so cheap and one more of her ways to confuse me without a reason.

    Some were hyper and always in a hurry to do things

    .MIL stays in the week days with SIL family in same city just 4 miles away.MIL will not ask me in person or over the phone ,how I am feeling when I am sick and drop my DD in sil'splace.this last issue is not acceptable to me and reminds me how much useless her presence is to me as a MIL.

    Your MIL is graciously looking after your child when you are sick.Did you have the courtesy to make a call to enquire about the child or how your MIL is coping with the child.

    You thanked her for her help or expressed your appreciation personally?

    If there is no need for you to thank her personally(not by your H) for her help then why question her not enquiring about your sickness to you personally ( to your H)

    Most of ladies in this forum are not blessed with MILs who help thier DILs in cooking or one who takes care of the kid in DILs sickness.

    Until the kids grow enough to go to school we need to take care of the kids and cooking.No use hating this period asits not practical to have ME time.If you dont want to spend so much time in cooking try doing some prep work ahead of the weekend.Its not as if the weekend just arrives, you have 5 days to plan for the next one.

    Plan outings as a family for your regular shopping or other outings with hubby.




     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2014
    4 people like this.
  4. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    HI I will tell you from personal experience MIL or IL do not care when you are sick etc. My MIL runs away when her own kids are sick so how could I expect her to care about me when I am sick. If she does the odd time you can tell she does not really care for the response just asking out of politeness. I think you are expecting way too much from your MIL. It seems like you are a stay at home mom so have much more flexible schedule. It is really tough for the moms that have to make a super dinner like that and go to work for the next week until the next party weekend. I am just saying why not cook some dishes on Saturday or take some out of freezer that you cooked in weekday when you had time and froze it. There are a lot of shortcuts. I would say have 0 expectations from your IL and you will be happier. At least you get to rest when she is taking care of your little one. Also our homes, kids, cooking etc is our responsibility not anyone else, if they chose to help fine if they don't then they don't. Whenever I entertain my DH only helps me and I expect 0 help from IL- that way if they do help I am pleasantly surprised and if they don't it does not do anything to my mood. You need to protect your emotions and not pin on them. Sorry you might not like my reply but this is how I feel.
     
    2 people like this.
  5. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    I had enough slaps verbally when I call in daytime to let her know feeding time,medicine usage,type of food to avoid.she knows it is the answer from my hubby.
    all I have left to speak and call is say hi and listen to my DD voice.i got enough resistance just for speaking to my baby like I speak with her in home in American accent and English.MIL has to show her superiority wherever I am involved. Someone from an intercom lifted the call while I am talking to my DD (my SIL has 2 or 3 phones as intercom) and I can hear dog barking sounds only in response to my normal questions to DD.i felt I had enough and informed about it to hubby too on the same day.we kind of have an agreement since that incident that I won't call when I am alone and in laws are alone.also MIL speaks so innocent with my hubby and will irritate me for the same feeding food,medicine dosage stuff.
    i am only calling when hubby is at home and give away phone to DD or hubby in 30 seconds.i keep to a minimum how are u and FIL doing.had ur food? I am giving to Ur son ....only 3 lines are ok.
    I told you I am not feeling well myself and can't call as if she is my school friend.
    so I prepared dosa batter on Friday and I even bought veggies while I am in shopping for different purpose.i called her on Saturday morning and spoke to her first.on regular days just my hubby calls his mom to come over.




    i have plans to study MS.i was working woman back in India.i miss those days...
    MIL is here to help her daughter kids while daughter is studying MBA on company's funds.even MIL told that she didn't like me,she went away to SIL house when my baby was 2 months old.the same lady is questioning us why we are not inviting them to our home.

    Working on it but not very successful....


     
  6. SurekhaKrishna

    SurekhaKrishna Bronze IL'ite

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    Sunshine,
    I don't know how to cook most of the traditional items like dosa,puri very well.
    i learnt cooking after marriage and taking help from DH and MIL.i took so many recipes just from MIL.
    so when this weekend party has started,I was cooking for 3 days quantity like sambhar,veggies etc.because of thyroid I could not wake up early morning and feeling so exhausted till afternoon.it was only recently diagnosed about my thyroid.
    my FIL won't eat anything refrigerated and warmed for lunch or dinner.i cant cook every meal fresh and the requested items only.PILs don't like to eat pancake,waffle,pizza,burger,cheese items.they are not satisfied with one main dish either like bisibelabath,vegetable biryani or pulao.PILs are Never satisfied with one all in one dish :( I know they can cook varieties of food and has nearly 50 years of experience in cooking and eating.my whole life is just 30+ now ;) I am married for 5 years.
    it's not fair to expect the same cooking skills from me.
    mIL is so proud of how she can cook lunch in just 1 hour.why not when there are 2 assistants waiting for her orders.my DH won't leave kitchen till his mom is in the kitchen .He helps in cutting veggies,chicken and grinding any pastes,masalas etc.i also cut some veggies,will be washing vessels the whole time and running for each spice bottle whenever she asks for.


     
  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    As long as you are complaining, 'I cant do' but still somehow do it, your complaint will not be taken seriously.

    The solution to your problem is little tough. Just stop doing the work.

    Since you are recently diagnosed with thyroid, it means you have only recently started taking the medicine for it. For this kind of condition, it takes time for the body to respond to the dosage. Feeling tired and exhausted at odd times is common. If you start feeling tired, stop working, go to your room and lie down. Take rest. Work only if you have energy. If they ask explain the above to them. Or explain this to your husband and he will convey it.

    Bottomline: if one says 'can do, cant do' but still does do it under force, then their words are not taken seriously, their complaints are taken as whining. The ppl around think, 'oh this one is always whining about work', 'actually she is just lazy and doesnt want to do, that's all.' 'I will put pressure, force a little bit and then only she will do it.'

    So, make your words count. Do what you say, and say what you will do. Dont let anyone force you.
     
  8. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry, Surekha, I dont see what exactly you are complaining about!

    1. MIL serves FIL before DD - does she take all the food leaving nothing for you or DD? Then nothing to complain about.

    2. MIL doesn't call during your sickness - SO?? There are DIL's living with MIL who force them to continue all work normally even while sick, let alone take their DD to their home.

    3. DH and you help MIL in the kitchen - WOW! Your MIL AND DH COOK! How lucky you are! Think about the cases wehre DH and MIL sit in the drawing room, and chat, while ordering items from the Kitchen from the DIL. Would you prefer that instead??

    4. MIL goes to SIL's house to help - Nice! You actually have another house to send her to get a break. So you don't live with her 24/7/365/ 30 years ??

    Try to count your blessings, and not take everything in a negative way. Your own health and happiness is at stake.

    There are several horror MIL's here in IL. Please read the DIL stories to get insipired to find your happiness yourself.
     
    6 people like this.
  9. cutesmile09

    cutesmile09 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi OP, I am sorry this but u seem to be little immature in your thinking& have too much expectations from your PILs, always remember one thing that she is your MIL not ur Mother to feel for you, respect your feelings&views, I have so many incidents such as they never bothered or enquired abt my health, even when I am sick I had cooked 3 times meal in a day, once my DD who was 2yrsbold was sick with high temp for 24hrs, I was very sad& sat just beside my DD for the whole day as she was not well, I quickly prepared some dal&rasam for lunch, though I didn't had any mood to prepare&have it, on the same day my FIL questioned me as to why I didn't made curry&roti for lunch??? On the same day evening I took my DD to the Dr for check-up all alone myself, when I returned back my FIL just opened the door for me & went inside his room where Mil was sitting, both of them didn't even asked me how the baby was???

    Whenever they first serve themselves for lunch they don't even mind to check who is left out for lunch or dinner including their son, they just have food as per they wish, sometimes when I was feeding my baby they just finished all the curry& roti without even thinking abt me for a second, if I cook more food& it get wasted then they will taunt me that I am wasting their son's money Oh GOD such a sick people, I really don't expect anything from them not even few nice words, for me they r just parents of my DH, I do my duty towards them with zero expectations, though I feel bad sometimes I just got used to it, now they feel jealous of my care-free attitude! It's just one life to live, Live it to the fullest, Have fun!
     
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  10. Rajapriya

    Rajapriya New IL'ite

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    I am really sorry for you . You know why ? You are one lucky girl with such a MIL & DH helping in cooking but you are not even realizing it that you are gifted with people like them and instead feeling bad about them.

    If you are my daughter , I would feel bad about myself that I haven’t not raised in a proper way. If I am your dad , i will call your DH and tell thank you and please tolerate your behavior. If am your sister , I wish I had such DH and MIL . If I am your Husband I wish I never married you. If I am your MIL , I wish you atleast stop hating me and posting about me to this world after all the help I am doing in my old age.

    You said your DH had to health issue and how are you helping him ? - By allowing him to cook in the weekends ? . Think about him he is working all week and then on weekends he has to help in cooking. You need to be madly in love him for what he is doing instead not going to shopping that time , or going to pubs , or tennis like my hubby does . Why dont you prep all in the friday and cook on saturday and ask your husband to go to gym?

    Your MIL FIL is eating first ? what is the problem in it . Elders need to be feed first because they are old and they might need to take pills and more over they cant eat when it is hot but your kid cant . I suppose they are not taking your kids meal and yours. I believe she is cooking for all and not only for her husband and son. For god sake she is cooking and helping you in kitchen and still you have the heart to say bad about her ? .. really ?

    Did you ever call her and ask about her health ? - I mean not asking how are you ?. I mean when she has some issue had you ever - cooked something from your house and taken to her ? , have you ever taken her to shopping/movie ? , have you atleast went for a walk with her ? - stop complaining that she is rude or she wont respond - try doing this and she will change if she is rude as you said. She is matured enough to understand that you are not capable of doing all cooking that’s why she is cooking and noble enough not scolding you for not doing it. She might not love you but realize she is not hating you either, She might be just ignoring you because she is getting hurt by your behavior but still helping you. If you try some activities with her she will definitely start loving you (but don’t expect like her son)

    I saw one other old post of yours , you mentioned she even cooks dinner for you while you go for shopping with your DH. You kept a smiley face next to it but wondering why are you complaining about her ?

    You should be thankful that they are not hurting you as most MIL do - saying you dont even have job why cant you cook ? . Hope they are not even forcing to find a job ..

    More important they dont stay with you all week , what else you want ? .As you said if your DH is emotional and he loves her mother - step in his shoe and see how bad he would feel that he is not able to keep his mother in his house ? Did you ever realize that he might be keeping them in SIL house because you dont get along ? .

    I am sorry , If I have hurt you . I wish my words will make you understand how blessed you are and try to show some love to your MIL , FIL and DH.

    I feel you might have emotional problems , you might have hormone issues that is making you to feel that you are mistreated by people who are really helping you. I wish you understand and save your life before it gets too late.

    If you still dont change you might end up a single person - either your husband will have severe health issue trying to help you all or mentally gets pressured and have stroke/heart attack (or) he might even leave you once for all . Emotional DH are great to have , you can make them love you if you treat them well (or) you can loose them if not handled well.

    If I had a daughter , I wish she is married to person like your DH and MIL who helps her. Once you loose an emotional person you will never get back them because they are very fragile .

    Love you as a sister, please understand and show respect and love to them. Dont spoil your life and your kids life.

    Try this, surprise them for next two weeks by getting up by 5.00 or 6.00 and finish all the cooking by 9.00 (Breakfast ,lunch) and evening around 6.00PM prepare simple dinner may be dosa , poori , idly. If I read your DH correctly then you can expect him to take you out and full fill your wishes that once you told him. If he doesnt not do it then I will come to the same forum and will say SORRY to you.

    You need to believe in someone, if not you will spoil your life. Sorry to say that since you are not appreciating your MIL help - I would assume your Mother haven’t brought you up well with respect to human relationships. So you need to get help from your friends or forums like this.

    If you really asked help in this forum , then reply to us what you did and what is happening in return. I would expect you would reply for next couple of weeks what you tried different and what is happening? .

    Let’s help you , I have done this personally to my friends . I would be blessed to help one more family
     
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