This time Ladki-wale were the PARTYPOOPERS!!

Contrary to popular belief, I do have a REAL life outside these forums and have been to REAL weddings in REAL life. :roll: So I don't only draw from what I've read here when making conclusions.

 

APO,

Man, that was some wedding, huh???

I am not sure that I agree with the 'giving the girl away' ceremony etc, but I do agree with you on two counts:

1. The bride's mother was wayyyyyyyyyyyy out of line in commenting about the groom's sister's complexion. I think the groom's parents should have got in her face and put her in her place - she had NO right to attack a young girl in that manner when she has a daughter herself. And that guy seems to be a spineless idiot if he sat by and let his MIL attack his sister like that and let her get away with it.

I am also quite surprised at how some people are dismissing the bride's mother's comment as just a result of her not being able to 'handle her displeasure well'. That is NO excuse, sorry. I am sure many of us would have our bloomers in a bunch if the groom's mother had made such a comment about the bride or her sister or anyone else related to the bride, so why condone such outrageous behavior from the bride's mother???

2. The groom should have had the decency to spend a day with his parents post wedding. Instead, he quietly followed his wife and spent the entire 10 days at her parents' home - as I said above, he seems to be a spineless moron. I hope his parents do not have much hopes or expectations from him in terms of moral and emotional support. They are only setting themselves up for a HUGE disappointment if so.

 

I have, mine was a typical arranged marriage and my dad did the wedding in a grand manner since its the first wedding and only wedding my father got to do. My inlaws were very decent and appreciate my father's efforts till today. All my relatives and dh's relatives brushed off little things and made the wedding day a grand success.We never heard one negative remark from anyone.

When we ran out rooms in the wedding hall, my relatives and DH's relatives suggested that we order a bunch of mats, pillows and blankets and sleep in the wedding hall itself. But my dad made sure everybody had a room and an attached bathroom, so he booked 10 rooms in the adjacent hotel and saved the situation.

My inlaws loved the food and even told my father that 5 sweets was too much and we should reduce it to just 3 in the menu. But dad was adamant and made sure everybody ate they heart content.

In laws loved the flower decoration and kept praising it to all their friends and family. My SIL tells me even today, that "Your wedding was the most grand wedding I ever know, you dad really did a great job. It was so memorable ".

There are people who wish sincerely that weddings are happy celebrations and not place where we show our ego and prove our superiority.

 

You certainly have as much right to comment as I do, there is no debate there. Yup, I wasn't there and neither were you. But you getting mad at the guest puzzled me!!! That's what made me write here FOR THE FIRST TIME! How could you support such rude behavior on the part of bride's family? Looks like their arrogance came from their money which they think they can flaunt and buy people too! (All this assuming the guest got her story right and is objective of course!).

You kept insisting that the guest was wrong to express her side of the story and that SHE had problems. That's the part that had me upset. She just expressed how she felt, based on Indian marriage etiquette/expectations. Assuming she is saying things like they were, the bride's family was completely out of line to demean groom's family. Granted, that spineless groom stood silent!

I agree that bidaai ceremony when the bride/groom were already living together is meaningless. My point was just that Indian marriages (love or arranged) are rarely about just the bride and groom, it's a union of the two families too. Once they are married, where they go for honeymoon and all else in life is only their business, no one else's. Here, the groom stayed with his in-laws, but not with his own parents. Atleast if they spent half time with each, that would have been fair. If they had gone away alone, that would be even better, no one could say anything. Why did the groom follow the bride and ignore his own parents? He may have had his reasons but from a parents' perspective, I can empathize with them. They must have felt like their son was just bought for money and he bowled over!! That's the issue here! Equal time for each side of the family or none is what I say!

You harping on just the bride and groom sounds selfish, unless the bride and groom go and get married the way they want without involving 100s of people (which is exactly what it takes in Indian marriages). Don't take help from families to set up everything and then act like it's all about you and your spouse! Yes we know it's their day, they are the center of attraction etc, but have respect for those that paid for all that and toiled to arrange so much! Bottom line, treat people with respect, obviously the trash that came out of bride's mom about groom's sister shows her class! (or lack there of I mean!).

 

*sigh* I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. I did NOT support the bride's family. I did not support ANY family.

Hmm maybe I have misunderstood the story wrong. From what I understood from OP's initial post, was that the bride and groom were each self sufficient and living together in US. So, what makes you think the groom was bought?

you mean, the bride's parents? i thought you didn't like the bride's parents. Now you are saying to have respect for all they did. so which is it, should the bride's parents be thrown out of India and kept on island of Zanzabar or should they be respected for all the toil they took to arrange the wedding functions?

don't look at me!! I didn't put cruella de ville in charge of MY wedding! The bride and groom (and groom's family) knew this is what she was like, yet still they had her doing the planning. What did they EXPECT would happen? If the groom's family wanted a hunky dorey wedding, they could have taken the reigns of control away from the bride's mom and done stuff themselves. Or, the bride and groom could have taken over and done it themselves. But since none of that happened, it seems like the bride and groom were HAPPY with the way the bride's mom hosted the event.

Yes, the bride's mom seems like a rude and fickle person to be around. But that doesn't change the fact that the bride and groom liked the wedding, and they are happy together now. Probably we are thinking about their wedding more than even they think about it. Basically two ceremonies were missing, and the groom's sister got made fun of. We can all agree that what the bride's mom said to the sister was rude. So that only leaves the question of the two ceremonies. To which I wonder, why is it such a big deal to have left them out, when nobody (except a few on the groom's side) wanted those ceremonies?

And if it's really so horrible that they spent their time with the bride's family after the wedding, then why is it so accepted in other weddings, when the couple spends all their time with the groom's family?

Maybe they spent time with the groom's family BEFORE the wedding, and time with the bride's family AFTER.

 

Re: Happy wedding with no complaints

Yup, mine was not a fancy wedding despite me having lived abroad for many years and even earning on my own. We chose big wedding in terms of people (800-1000) but not big/fancy in terms of jewelry/sarees etc. My in-laws are gems who didn't complain about anything (they could have because of the last min choultry we had to take etc). Fortunately no one in my family is the kind to stick their nose in other people's wedding arrangements etc. If they have something to say, they may discuss amongst themselves but not in front of bride/groom's families. My in-laws family is like that too. Most important of all, my DH always supports me saying "the only thing that matters is what you and I want". I know it's easier said than done since I do believe we can't just do whatever we want. If I said yes, my DH would have married me arya samaj style or even in civil court, for him the ceremony was not the thing. Me, despite having lived/educated abroad before marriage, I believe in keeping our traditions whenever possible, without sacrificing our own wishes completely. So, I can't say one bad thing happened at our wedding that upset us nor my in-laws family. After the reception, my DH and I took off to a nice hotel for many many days and showed up at our homes together just briefly once in a while till we went on our official honeymoon! My MIL always believed that young couple should live on their own and not be obligated to live with the in-laws, so broadminded of her! Because I lived abroad anyway and my DH joined me later, we have had no issues with in-laws etc even when they visited us for 6 months.

For the record, my DH's grand parents threw some temper tantrum that they didn't know about my DH marrying me etc but my in-laws and my DH stood by me and my family. Despite my DH loving his grand parents very much (he is their first grandson) and them treating him like a prince, he declared that they were wrong about their temper tantrum and complaints and told them he really wants them at his wedding but it's their choice to come or not!!!! That I think too lot of guts which I didn't realise at that time. Happily though, his grand parents were very kind/loving towards me after the wedding and we all got along great! I am grateful for that.

 

seems like people are really not able to understand what we are saying!! I see that what most of us here are trying to say is

If the brides mom was behaving like that with grooms family what was the BRIDE doing ?? why didnt she take a stand on it?? (dont we say this to the groom when he doesnt control his parents abusing the brides side family???) so we are asking the same!! when they both lived togehter in US for 2 yrs why is the bride letting her mom comment so badly and behave so badly with her inlaws?? and why is the groom watching all this silently with out saying a word??

Inspite of all this still the groom went to brides parents house and stayed there??? so what does that show?? that the groom doesnt care enough about how his parents and sister are treated

All we want in marriages/ceremonies is BALANCE. people shouldnt behave nastily. Yes brides mom should have kept her feelings to herself and atelast be silent if she has nothing better to say! rather than commenting about everyone in the grooms family. and if the groom and bride knew about brides mom and her dissatisfaction, they should have settled for a low profile wedding rather than this hungama wedding and insulting the grooms side.

This is what we all are trying to say! or ATLEAST am trying to say! Yes brides mom and her behaviour are NOT ACCEPTABLE. but who can control that?? the bride or the groom!! if they both didnt bother...can any of the guests or friends do antyhing about it?? NO! thats the point here.

As Mals said, hope the groom grows a spine. Supporting wife andher parents doesnt mean taking crap from his MIL. it means maintaining the balance in relations (seems like many of the couples have to learn this MAINTAINING BALANCE technique!!!)

So friends please understand that NO ONE is SUPPORTING No one here!! the question was why did the Bride/ GROOM take all this??? or WATCH all this with no action taken??

 

one thing I thought was confusing, and might have been the couple's fault for setting wrong expectations.... they claimed they wanted to come to India for a POMP wedding, as the OP put it. So one would assume that that would include all the traditional ceremonies. But then, they cut out two of the ceremonies. So if traditional ceremonies weren't important to them, then I think instead of leading everyone to believe it would be a traditional ceremony, they should have opted for a low profile wedding instead and made it clear that only xyz would be done. Even I'm totally confused why they would let the bride's mom plan the wedding knowing she was against the marriage.

 

It could have been fear that if they had spoken against the mom, it would have blown into a bigger issue. They might have faced enough problems with getting mom to agree for the wedding, and they must have thought to expect anything more would be suicide and just decided to let her do everything her way to maintain peace!

Quite like when I was a kid and I sometimes got really bad grades, my mom would find me at home in the evening sitting quietly with my books like an obedient child and for the next few days, I would listen to whatever she said about cleaning the house, watching TV, not going out to play etc. The charade would be up for a few days and then I would go back to being my old self - being the unruly child until another bad report card finds its way!

 

People, you are all talking of bidaii ceremony and giving away of bride(putting bride's hand in in-laws hand etc.) - a lot of the people who come here on this forum spout off about CHANGING the indian culture when they are the DIL and their in-laws are bugging them (some members on this forum have ideas like In Laws "have to earn respect and not automatically get it", in-laws have to stop interfering in husbnd-wife’s lives, etc etc.)
So if you want change in the power-play of the in-law, daughter in law relationship, if you want change in the traditional husband -wife relationship where both spouses are assumed equal partners in the relationship, where both go out and have careers and are supposed to share chores at home, why are these same people arguing for traditions like" bride has to be given away to in-laws" and "bride doing bidaai to her family and home"?
Do these traditions make any sense today? The bride and the groom in this case are educated, on the way to becoming doctors, living independently in the US - BOTH bride and groom are professionally qualified etc. Then why does the bride have to do bidaai to her home and not the groom? Why shouldnt the groom too do bidai to HIS family along with the bride as they BOTH will then be doing bidaii(farewell) to both their families and then going off to live in their own house and set up?
And what is this crap of "giving the girls' hand to in-laws"? Is she marrying the mon-law or the dad-in law? No, SHE’S MARRYING THE GROOM FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE! Let them put their hand in each other signifying their relationship – that is the primary relationship, the in-laws relationship is the secondary relationship – without the relationship with the spouse, the in-law relationship too does not exist!). Yes I understand this is a tradition, but I believe people need to change traditions based on the times. All these traditions simply do not make sense in these times, particularly for families where bride and groom are both independent and earning. These traditions are outdated and simply do not make sense today. In my own wedding, we have a tradition of the bidaii ceremony where while walking out of my parents house I was supposed to throw back the rice behind me signifying I am paying back my debts to my family. The groom has no such ceremony. I refused to do this ceremony (I can never pay back my debts to my family, I will always be a part of my family, yes after marriage I gained a new addition to my family with my in-laws, but no question of giving up 1 family for the other), I just hugged all my family members and told them I will soon see them, and went sat in the car. Nobody had any objections to this.


Yes the groom and bride should have COMMUNICATED their ideas to both sides of their parents, saying mom-dad, these are the traditions we would like to remove from the marriage because we do not beleive in them, and the rest of the traditions we will follow.

My guess is the groom knew this news would not go down well with his set, and just kept mum. This was the mistake.

Also about the groom staying with bride and not with his own family - that is his choice, he wants to stay with his bride and her family, and not with his parents. That is his choice - why are people calling him spineless for that? Maybe he is not emotionally attached to his family, maybe his wife is very attached to HER family and they decided it makes sense for her to spend some time with her parents before flying out, maybe the groom thinks that his parents are the old-fashioned type who think ladkewale must be treated like kings etc, he knew they would complain and whine to him after the marriage(which incidentally might have taken place based on his beliefs of not following outdated traditions), and he simply didnt want to deal with all that crap. That doesnt make him spineless - that makes him willing to consider the happiness of his wife and himself. I am amazed that when people come to the ”My Marriage/My Spouse/My in-laws” and say my husband/wife/MIL/FIL etc. are mistreating me, the first response is “your hubby should stand up for you” Well, the hubby is standing up for the wife, he is progressive enough to take out the traditions which do not make sense in today’s world, and you guys go “hawww spineless hubby listening to his wife doesnt listen to his parents naughty boy”. Why should he listen to his parents when he is an adult and capable of taking his own decision, the traditions his parents want to follow do not make sense to him, and he has the courage to stand up for his beliefs? When ppl on these forums go my MIL objects when hubby shares house chores, others respond with ur hubby shoudl stand up to his mom and tell her about times have changes and changes in customs, so why not changed customs in the case of marriage?

Just because guests attended the wedding doesnt mean the wedding has to revolve around the whims and fancies of the guest - are you kidding me?? The guests are there to share the happiness of the occasion, congratulate, give gifts, wish them well - NOT opine what was right/wrong with the wedding! The marriage IS DEFINITElY ABOUT THE BRIDE AND THE GROOM - it is the most important day of their lives, they will remember this day for the rest of their lives, celebrate it; for the guests and family members IT WILL NOT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF THEIR LIVES, they will go on to attend many more such weddings and pass on may more such positive/negative comments, so obviously the marriage needs to take into account the wishes of the bride and the groom, not the extended family and various hangers on

This reminds me of another post where the lady had written her widow MIL wants to deck up and she wasn’t comfortable with it because oh you know, widows are not supposed to wear nice clothes and jewellery etc, and people on the forum had blasted her left-right for even daring to think of such cheap thoughts!

The OP goes to a wedding where she is a friend of the cousin of the groom Her role as a guest should have been to wish the couple well, . If the parents of the groom have a problem with the traditions, they are fully entitled to discuss this with their son, but a friend of the cousin??? No way. And because of the way the OP thinks - insistent on traditions that do not make sense to some people - does she even realize what the bidaii ceremony means? It means the girl doing bidaii leaves her family. OP fails to realize that for some progressive people whether you are the groom or the bride, it’s not about forgetting your family, but adding and welcoming your in-laws family to the new family that has now been formed by the husband and the wife.

It is because of the negative thought process about brides and their families and what is to be expected from them in terms of bride’s families behavior to groom’s family of “handing over bride to them” etc etc. that makes me suspect she is simply lying about the disrespect shown by the bride’s mother. The groom’s family I believe expected the bride’s family to fall at their feet all the time to show ”respect”, and when that didn’t happen, coupled with the groom’s family complex about bride’s family richer status (though that sounds fishy to me - groom’s dad is doctor, bride’s parents are professors, usually doctor’s make money than professors who work on a salary)

a lot of tale-embroidering happened!

On a final note, people, my request is, if you are an invited guest in a wedding, please don’t diss the wedding(unless you see dowry taking place), and if your family member is getting married, please understand it is one of the most important days in the life of the couple, let them enjoy, and please have the courage to stand up for removing traditions that disrespect brides, or traditions which the bride/groom do not want at their wedding!