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This is what my H tells often to my LO

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by DrKadambari, May 24, 2012.

  1. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    I think leaving dd in full time daycare is best option. If you want you can pick her up little early. Everyday cook only once every evening after dh comes home. pack lunch in fridge previous day so dh doesn't need to come home. that way you will get whole day for your office work and further job hunting etc.

    I know many indian husbands want to save daycare money, cleaning lady money. Wife is always taken for granted. Wife's career is secondary not important for them. Now you have to put your foot down and tell dh to pay all household expenses bill and you will pay daycare from your salary. I have gone through all this and it was toughest time of my life.

    I know one of my friend used to work in hospital (she was nurse) in night shift. She used to take care of small kids whole day with cleaning, cooking, feeding kids everything. After husband used to come home she used to go to hospital work every night and come home in morning, then again work at home......what kind of life is that?

    When you are happy and relaxed with your life then only you can give quality time to your family right? Husbands don't understand it.
     
    2 people like this.
  2. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    I will have to reduce on the cooking part. He is extremely picky eater and earlier i used to cook only what he would eat. For last many months i changed, i cook every variety and use all veggies and ingredients irrespective of he likes or not and that way i have peace to cook, he eats, if he doesn't eat i dont care.

    Proud Indian - yeh he thinks its just as simple as it can be to work as she sleeps in the afternoon. First when he said that option of half day, i told him though i work from home, it not as easy as you think it is, it would take a toll on my mental health as i would be in stress. He was all angry about it that I dont want her around. Oh man, i have been with her for anything and everything she is my daughter only after 2 years i took up job, now all this.

    I am saving money to do some course so that i can get into a full time well paying job. I just hope i get there soon.
     
  3. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Its doubtful if your H will understand your situation. He is not bothered about your career and doesnt want you to get ahead. Most DH's dont care a hoot about a wife's career as she will become independent and move on.
    But you can slow down a bit , take it easy so that you are able to handle the kid nicely.Keep an hour for yourself, take a short nap along with DD, it will refresh you and make you less stressed. Its for your own good, you are doing too much and spoiling your health.
    Cook one time in the morning, keep cooking to the minimum, it will decrease washing utensils too, no need to serve a variety of food. Reserve fancy cooking for weekends when DH takes care of kid.
    Please realise that a 2 year old understands many words and all this rushing and irritibility will have a bad effect on both of you.Tell him firmly that he should not say hurtful things to the child ever.
     
  4. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    I have some update on whats going on for the last few months, I have no clue where its all gonna lead.

    This husband of mine is now crazed on some online game, this is going on for around 3 months I think.
    Initial days when this started - Around 3 hrs after work
    Week ends - All night and any other time he is awake
    This means no speaking, no nothing at all. Just here and there he takes kid out And anything important once in a while he chats on messenger from office. when i speak also he speaks just to the point as he is immersed in system at home.
    Around a month ago it had got into my nerves and i threw away some drinks he had kept at home (some way of showing my anger). When he asked for I said i dont know he got wild and threw all my gadgets which he saw and broke some of them into pieces. I confronted abt he spending too much time on system, he called me stupid and that i am psycho and just want to pull out some issue or the other. I said sorry for throwing things, he said sorry for breaking my things.
    Nothing changed, though i spoke normally, he would speak back harshly, so i minimized just to speaking only when necessary. Its been a month and he is enjoying whats happening as he is spending :
    During week days : 8 hrs on this (till 3 to 4 am in the night)
    During week ends : 15 to 18 hrs
    He does not waste time after coming home from work, removes shoes, goes to kitchen eats dinner and sits on system. He used to sit late night when he was sick and on sickleave, he didnt care when i said that his body needed rest atleast while sick and to get some sleep.
    I have been doing my job + house work + grocery shopping, i have now got into a rhythm of not expecting so dont feel tired or upset.
    I dont know what question I have...
     
  5. apaasn

    apaasn Gold IL'ite

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    oh my god,poor you! After reading your above post,I am shocked and speechless,you have a lot of patience!
    All I can say is surely this online gaming has become a hobby (I dont want to use the word addiction as he just started it this year ) I can hope your husband will become bored of this gaming one day and come back to reality.
    Till then wish you all the luck!
     
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  6. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP,
    Some men are not marriage material, they don't need a partner at all. They are happy living alone and so don't care if wife is angry or happy. These characters have little family values and never appreciate what they have got until something bad happens.
    Create a life for yourself, go out on weekends with DD , cook whatever you like, stop pampering him. Soon he will miss all the comforts and realise your value.
     
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  7. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    apaasna, I told him that he is addicted to it and not realizing how it would affect the family. I even said that nothing is working so atleast let get some professional help and go for marriage counselling, he said that I needed it and not him, though I said I agree I have a problem why dont you come with me, he said its my problem and I have to deal with it myself...

    Exactly some people are better being single, just for the sake of parents they get married and parents want their son to be married for the society.
    and yes FL, I am doing the cooking what me and kid like and not according to his wishes... he eats what ever I have done now. This I started following bcas last month during the argument when I said that I cook for him time to time and do all the work still I dont know what you want - In reply he said, you dont cook for me, you cook bcause you have to eat..
     
  8. sadwife

    sadwife Gold IL'ite

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    I think your husband would eventually get bored with the online games.
    Meantime like what you are already doing now, don't expect anything from him. Don't go beyond your limit to do something to please him. Why care for him when he is being heartless towards you? Be nice to him but make him feel you are not expecting anything from him and you are happy with yourself and your daughter. Try to get some domestic help so that you can spend more quality time with your daughter. Take her out, now again forget about inviting your husband to join you both. Find time to pamper yourself too. I'm sure your husband will not be any help to you even if you fall sick. Correct me if I'm wrong. So take care of yourself first before looking after your family.

    But firmly tell him no using harsh words with your daughter. I understand that he will not listen to you and I
    really don't know what would make him stop saying such things to your daughter, unless he realizes on his
    own.

    I pray that God gives you more patience to handle your husband.
     
  9. RadiantCat

    RadiantCat Gold IL'ite

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    DrK, surprised you are still in this marriage. I know you since your first post. Aah after a sabbatical I am writing in this forum again.
     
  10. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    when my kids were babies i had a in stay home maid, otherwise with my tight on call etc i would not managed to work. without any in laws support i was working doing 24 hours call etc. my dh helped me look after baby at night. if u have problem do not hurry to cook dinner, if ur baby does not allow u to cook in the afternoon. just feed ur child and do ur work, when u dh comes drop ur child with him and go to do ur dinner. if he shouts tell him, that u r not a machine to do multi task and that u can't work as well take care of child and cook at the same time. let ur dh wait for dinner, at the same time he too has no other choice rather than to take care of child if he has eat. some guys are just lazy, want wife to do all tasks as well as earn. when i was living alone, with kids and maid and my dh working overseas i just decided one day out of the moon, did not discuss with dh or others and went and submitted my resignation. then i told my dh, and packed everything and flew to join dh. it was a difficult decision financially, sometimes u hv to be bold when something like family happiness is concerned. but now even though i hv not worked i know that i made the right decision for the sake of my kids and dh. if u can't wake up early keep bread and butter in morning and when ur dh asks tell him that u r tired and if he wants to eat good food, he too has to help. also add that bread and butter is sufficient for u , so if he need anyting he has to help.finally i know that no one dies by crying alone. when ur dh says it next time, ask him, well can u tell one example where they died by crying alone. silly.
     
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