Thinking of seperation

sandhyas123 · May 4, 2012

Hi friends,
You must have knew my problems with my H and mil reg property issues with my family. Now things got serious. First I tried to ignore and keep quiet thinking it as other fights between couple, but my H is taking this seriously. The more I maintain my distance and quiet he got furious yesterday my mil and H went for a walk and after he came he yelled at me and my DS for petty issues and he called me inside our room and started to fight bringing all sort of issues mainly the property issues and calling my family cheap when I kept quiet he demanded explanation then when I started to talk he screamed and yelled calling names and asking me to live separate till my mil leaves(he want peace in the house for his mom). It hurted me he knew I am in H4 and no money or savings but out of frustration I said I will leave he said I should leave the house immeadiately without even taking any clothes and without my DS (he is 8yrs old). He even tried to hit me and twisted my hand. I cried and kept quiet.

Today I am thinking of separation seriously. I have 2 options I can go to my cousin sister in another sister and search for job. I have training and exp in QA. I have to apply for H1 and I have to leave my DS since my cousin sister is newly married and lives in one bedroom apt. I dont know how welcome I will be. my other option is going to my native and live there for a while. Can i take my DS and leave. ( I have to borrow money from my cousin, I can send her back from my savings there). What will be consequence If I take my DS without telling. If I inform H and mil will not allow they are fond of my DS and he also like his patti. But he also will not sleep or eat well without me.
I am really frustrated and dont have even 1% desire to live with this so called H. I am even ready for divorce . (my mil is OK with our seperation). Pls give me your suggestions

Priya16 · May 4, 2012

Sandhya,

You don't go to anyone's house and don't leave the house.Tell him that if he hit you next time you would call the 911.That should be enough for these guys.Don't loose your courage.Keep your courage and they can't do anything.He should pay you whatever needed if he choose for separation.You don't go by yourself,ask him to take legal path for separation and you don't run away from home.Be strong.Other people can advise you more.But don't loose your mind nor hope.They can't do anything.

DrKadambari · May 4, 2012

Do not leave the house, you are in anger so do not take any decision in anger. Just calm down then decide. Follow what Priya suggested.

poojachinoy · May 4, 2012

DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE!...stay in your own home and sort things out..its not HIS home..he married you and has a child with you...that house is as much YOURS as it is his...the only person who is a guest there is ur MIL...this is what your MIL wants and this is what you are doing,i.e.,divorce...i know you are very hurt and your dreams with your husband feel betrayed by him...but you have to fight it out for now,because,its your family at stake...your MIL wont loose anything in this,only YOU,YOUR SON AND DH will be the loosers in the end..so dont take drastic steps for now,as the issue CAN be sorted out..

1.next time he even raises his hand,tell him boldly that you will call the cops,if he still does not listen and does hit you, then do call the cops..

2.when he comes home being brain washed by MIL,try to handle it well or humourously sort it out...this you have to do as long as your MIL is here with you..once she goes,then have a talk with him and sort out the core issues..but as long as your MIL is here,if a fight begins,find ways to end it asap,even if you are right..when she leaves,take up those issues...or else MIL will add fuel to the fire she created and seriously she doesnt care a damn about you or your son or for that matter her son...but you have to take care of your family.

3.start searching for jobs from now itself,or else start some online certifications and improve your credentials.

4.learn driving ASAP..its like the biggest outlet for mental and emotional independance.

5.never take your child and leave without H knowing or without informing the legal system..it will be accounted as kidnap,and then you may even have to loose the child custody..so think wisely..

6.once when MIL leaves go for marital counselling.

when is she leaving BTW?

Radhai · May 4, 2012

Sandhya,

Cousin's place is not a good idea simply becoz you are not sure how welcome you would be there.
Taking the child without another parent's consent is a far more serious offense.
Going to India would pave a way for irreconcilable differences (although he is incorrigible at this time).
So fight from where you are. I am sorry becoz I know it is easy to say but hard to be there..

sangea · May 4, 2012

Don't go anywhere, if he desperately needs you out of the home, then its his headache to get you a safe place.
You have all rights to stay in that house. If USCIS come to know about this, then he ll know wat he has done and how sorry he is.
Be courageous girl, you can handle this.

sabarimathi · May 4, 2012

hi sandhya,

Have u heard this proverb : a stitch in time saves nine ? Yes, that's what am going to say. Take action now, be in control of y'r life , which means don;t go for divorce. It is mainly the issue between y'r mil and u. Get rid of her and he'll be fine. Here's what to do.

1. don't give lame excuses of something of this sort : this
2. When dh is in office, talk about this to y'r mil openly. If she initiate a drama,then threaten to call 911.
3. When y'r dh counters u for whatever u've said with y'r mil, tell him clearly that u'll report the physical abuse and the ill treatment meted out to u by dh and mil to y'r son's teachers, principals and alert all the parents about this the following day. Tell him , if it's the duty of a mom to give assets to her daughters, then it's their daughter's duty to take care of their mom and not their son's ; even if it be the son's duty, then it's not and it cann't be a dil's duty.

4. Finally, u need to wake up and turn the plates ; orwise think of divorce. But before that tell me how 're u going to handle the other issues of staying alone when u cannot handle this one ? The fact that ,'It 's not easy to be a single parent' is an understatement.

5. that's all i've to say. Once again, think of the fable : the lion and the rabbit.

be smart girl. Good luck!

GMReddy · May 5, 2012

dear op,

IMO, going out with kid is far more difficult to handle than to handle the situation at the present place...

just hold on till mil leaves, things will improve later...but you make it clear to your H that verbal/physical abuse must stop...regarding propety issue, you better leave it for now...you work on how to get back the peace at your living place...do not enter into arguments with mil, just take care of yourself and kid and just maintain working relationship with mil and hubby for sometime...

i think some strong negative feelings are developed by your hubby towards you...this needs to be taken care...is it only because of your bad relationship with mil or anything else...if it is due to mil issue, then you have to minimize the fights and do not give room for arguments...just maintain your cool and let time pass...things will definitely change for good...

whenever you are hurt mentally, you go into yourself and see what is happening to you, the thoughts that are coming, the incidents that are causing disturbance, how you can move along without further troubling yourself...

when mind is in confused state you will not be able to make a right decision, first make the mind cool and see things in right perspective, then action will be clear to yourself...

best of luck...

sandhyas123 · May 5, 2012

Hi friends,
thanks for all the responses. Sorry I couldnt reply in detail to each post. I am writing this urgently, my H and mil went for a walk. As all of you said I kept quiet, try to talk when he is good mood etc. But yesterday situation escalated, he is trying to sponsor his mom and when they talked while I was bathing and changing and kept quiet when I entered the living room. He is demanding now to talk to my mom using speaker phone when he is around and blast her for not giving the property to my H. His stand is I should think about our family(H's) not my fo. I refused so he is showing his anger in all ways he can. some of you suggest me to talk to my mil or wait till she leaves . she is just not the reason. she had this habit of supporting her son and usual mil attitude, she is OK with my cosister in India, because my bil is not greedy like my H and he will not allow others to abuse his wife like this. I want to take a decision b4 this weekend. kindly help. thanks

pinky6 · May 5, 2012

Hi sandhya
am not matured enough to advice............. but i really feel sorry for you........ why he is so adament to get your parents property?if he really wants it then.... why can't you talk to your mother? apart from money,property and all other material pleasures.......peacefullness is most important in our life so deal it properly............ just try talk to your mother and give him the ****property.