Thinking About Adoption. Advice Needed.

Shreema86 · Dec 31, 2017

My situation in brief , I am in my early thirties , in a long term dysfunctional marriage . We are cordial but speak very little to each other . I come back from work , go to my room, have my dinner there and go to sleep. husband watches tv and then goes to sleep in his bedroom. so very little interaction. I have too many unknown anxieties about leaving this marriage so looks like there is no hope there . My life feels a bit lonely so I have been thinking of adopting a child. also I missed out on parental love and nurturing and I have this need to give someone what I have missed..I feel like an orphan without a family and I feel I can heal that wound by adopting a child.. especially a girl child, as I want to experience that mother daughter bond I missed and will always miss . I have no desire to experience pregnancy , and I have always been sure I will adopt. My dilemna is that I feel that Its not right to bring a child into a dysfunctional marriage , but in my head I am also justifying that the child anyways needs a home and we will provide a reasonably good home if not the best . I am also unsure if x years from now I will suddenly feel different about my marriage situation and want to leave . But then if I leave atleast I will not be alone.. Feel free to tell me if this is a bad idea . I am not at my rational best now,

Shreema86 · Dec 31, 2017

also to add, I feel its the social pressure thats getting to me. I am not talking about in laws or parents or others asking .. I would not care even a little bit for that.. Its a more subtle sort of social pressure... People I interact on a regular basis , my friends and co workers in the place where I live, right now I am close to them , we hang out , share things and I have this bond with them. but as I will age , then I will kind of feel excluded if everyone of my age has kids. if I start adoption process it will take two years anyways and by the time I will have several friends who will also have kids and I think I will really enjoy that .. again this might seem silly to some , but I want to feel connected , not live in isolation..

Sandycandy · Dec 31, 2017

First of all , kudos to you for considering adoption. Shows you have so much love to share .
A child can definitely fill the void in your life but there are a few things to consider .
Are you able to support the child alone financially or otherwise if you decide to quit the marriage ?
Your husband and you seem to lead independent lives with not much interaction, where does the child fit into this ? Can you do things as a family ?
Is the husband ok with the thought of adopting? What if he decides to quit the marriage ?
I wish you the very best ! Lots of clarity and peace of mind.

Happy 2018 !

pinky2cute · Jan 1, 2018

Wow, you are one strong woman for sure @Shreema86
To want to give love to an orphan child is not everyone can do. It's very nice of you.
About your dysfunctional marriage, i feel sad for you but then I also feel that atleast your marriage is cordial, though I know the loneliness that you feel despitr living together with your spouse.

Please consider these points and if the answer is yes for all of them then go ahead and adopt.

1) is ur husband interested in this adoption and be a good father if not good husband?

2) are u ready financially to take full responsibility of a child incase ur husband is not going to be part of adoption or if in future your marriage breaks?

3) are you sure that in future no matter what is the fate of your marriage, you can bring up the child in good environment?

GeetaKashyap · Jan 1, 2018

Shreema86 said: ↑

My situation in brief , I am in my early thirties , in a long term dysfunctional marriage . We are cordial but speak very little to each other . I come back from work , go to my room, have my dinner there and go to sleep. husband watches tv and then goes to sleep in his bedroom. so very little interaction. I have too many unknown anxieties about leaving this marriage so looks like there is no hope there . My life feels a bit lonely so I have been thinking of adopting a child. also I missed out on parental love and nurturing and I have this need to give someone what I have missed..I feel like an orphan without a family and I feel I can heal that wound by adopting a child.. especially a girl child, as I want to experience that mother daughter bond I missed and will always miss . I have no desire to experience pregnancy , and I have always been sure I will adopt. My dilemna is that I feel that Its not right to bring a child into a dysfunctional marriage , but in my head I am also justifying that the child anyways needs a home and we will provide a reasonably good home if not the best . I am also unsure if x years from now I will suddenly feel different about my marriage situation and want to leave . But then if I leave atleast I will not be alone.. Feel free to tell me if this is a bad idea . I am not at my rational best now,
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@Shreema86

Adoption way to experience motherhood is wonderful.

Have you tried counselling to mend your marriage? Is your husband also interested in adopting a child? If not, the child will feel miserable and in turn you too will. Bringing a child and raising her is a lot of work. If you are in a marriage, it is always in everybody's best interest to involve him.

Alone ( if you are separated), you may still raise the child well with some outside help. But staying in marriage, it wouldn't be prudent to bring a child without his active interest and consent.

Please consider these points and seek external help to fix your marriage.

All the best for the new year. God Bless.

salad · Jan 2, 2018

Really a great thought. It is true they also need someone to love same time you also need someone share your love and care..

I don't know if you have any option to foster kids. Then it will be good to first foster then if you are feeling that connection you can go ahead and adopt.

Try to volunteer in such organizations with kids.

Kids world is not as we see from outside. They need constant attention, emotional, physical & financial support. If we are not emotionally happy it will be hard to pass on that happiness to them.

May god bless you with so much love and happiness in your life dr. Happy New Year.

MalStrom · Jan 2, 2018

If you are married both parents will have to be present for the steps of the adoption process. Is your husband on board with that?

nandinimithun · Jan 2, 2018

@Shreema86

You are an emotionally strong lady.... kudos to you....

First and foremost, if you are married and looking to adopt a child, both the parents need to agree and file for the adoption...
The legal way to do is to register in CARA- Central Adoption Resource Authority
Or you just check the above site, for all your queries, about adoption....

May the new year fulfill all your dreams and wishing you a stress free and a peaceful life ahead.....

Hugs to you and take care

nakshatra1 · Jan 2, 2018

I admire your thought process and large heart.
But one thing first discuss properly with your husband, if he can't accept the child, the child will be the biggest sufferer. It will scar the child psychologically to be rejected by father.

kavya007 · Jan 2, 2018

Hi Shreema,

Your probably 86 born right ? Your feelings are natural dear. I also feel the strong need to bond with a small child especially a girl child. I like your thoughts on adoption. We also tried for adoption a few years back. I also really want to adopt a girl child. However it is not a good idea to bring a child into a dysfunctional marriage. The child needs a happy home. I am also in a dysfunctional marriage and I am in the process of divorce. So I want to exit my marriage. Either you heal the marriage or exit the marriage. Where do you live ? If you live in US here are some suggestions:
1. Begin by volunteering by foster kids. I did that through an organization called CASA. You can become a child advocate of foster kids. This will give you a good understanding of the possible issues adoptive children face. Due to lack of proper bonding with the caregiver adoptive children go through a host of issues. So may have reactive attachment disorder etc.
2. If you are in India then you can volunteer at an orphanage.
3. Familiarize yourself with the adoption process. In the US international adoption is an expensive affair. When you enter the adoption process social workers will perform a home study to evaluate the home.

Best of luck,
Kavya