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Things Will Never Change With My Mil..

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by anika987, May 28, 2020.

  1. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Finest Post Winner

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    @anika987 you are am an empath.I relate to this post strongly, as I believe I am an empath too.

    You try yo understand your MIL feelings from her perspective. It doesn't mean your Mil has to be like you. She is surely standing her ground and asking you to be her servant.

    You can be an empath, talk to her, nod, and smile just don't take any action toward bringing anywhere closer.

    My mom also tries to tells me about what I should and shouldn't don't do. Especially after my MIL trouble in 2019. I am standing my effing ground. I have a boundary that is established. I am standing in mine, while I am listening and texting her. If beyond that my MIL calls or asks me to hand over my phone to my kid. NO ways. That extra facility has to be earned from my MIL which she clearly lost by behaving badly with me.


    You have a higher privilege here. She knows that he is your husband you don't even have to say it, that's is why she stresses it again and again to reassure herself.

    Don't cut her out, just don't entertain her either.
     
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  2. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    This is why I love my IL friends! The way you all look at things and help me change the way I have to think!

    When I read this..I swear I felt goosebumps!! Never have I even thought about it in this perspective!!I will strongly keep this in mind.

    She feels threatened and I think that the more calm and confident I react..it will get her tensed and probably back down a bit.

    Thank you blindpup!
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2020
    blindpup10 likes this.
  3. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Anika, your MIL is probably the older sister of my MIL!
    my MIL too has spoken similarly to me..
    Like when there was any major argument, she would loudly cry and say that “why am I living like this..all of you pray to God that I leave this world soon”...once she told about some housing complex meant for elderly...luxury apartments with all amenities and elder care...similar to old age home...was saying “let me also book such apartment , I will need in future...”
    U get the idea...as if her son and DIL are her enemies and scheming against her...
    She is right about one thing , She will not change, you have to change.
    You should stop getting affected by her nonsense remarks..being old doesn’t give a person the license to ill treat anyone else..
    But you don’t need to give importance to her stupid remarks..you don’t have to call her and speak on phone if she can’t speak to you in a decent manner..
    You don’t have to accept her stupid accusations and be silent..
    If you don’t feel comfortable with the way she talks just say so and cut the call..
    Do this everytime and she will understand that she can’t have a conversation unless she talks properly.
    You’re not lucky you have to listen to nonsense only occasionally over phone...imagine ladies like me who have in laws staying with them most of the time..
    How much nonsense I need to hear!
    How much ever work we do and look after them they’ll have complaints only...
    anyway due to Covid19 , international travel is unsafe for the elderly.
    So for a long time they can’t come and stay with both of u and tough for them to expect you to travel and stay with them.
    Consider yourself lucky they werent staying with you in March when they stopped international flights..they would have been stuck with you for a long time..The lockdown situation makes even reasonable people to go crazy and depressed, imagine problematic people how they’ll behave..
    Some years down the lane things will be different, just take one thing at a time and relax.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  4. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    True dear..compared to you I have to admit mine is nothing.It is tough to be around people who control you all the time.My mil has two househelp and still she laments and makes me go on a guilt trip everyte
    We talk.

    Most annoying is..you will understand only if you get old how we are suffering..every single time! Honestly..it is so scary to get older but I keep telling myself I will and should not end up like her.
     
    Needtobestrong likes this.
  5. nuss

    nuss Finest Post Winner

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    One way to deal with this kind of comments is to play naive. When she says- “I am sure you are planning a trip”. Just say- “yes, mummy, I can’t wait to go in a trip. Kiddos been asking to go to xyz place.”
    If she says she is suffering and you’d know when you are old just say lightly... “I know it’s so hard and it will be even harder for me because I might not have maids when I am older.”
    When she says she will come and live with her son- just say, “yes, I was actually talking to him about this.” Focus on I and get the point across that it will be a joint decision not his decision.

    Why react. Listen and forget. You are not living under the same roof.

    My mother used to do this to me. I love my mom but we don’t get along easily. It’s a work in progress. Nonetheless, I love her very much and I am sure she does too.
    Our phone calls used to start with- where did you go this week? My mom thinks that my job is all about traveling. I do travel quite a bit and I guess she got this impression that I am traveling all the time. I used to get irritated but I started taking it lightly and she stopped asking as well because she didn’t get the reaction from me.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  6. Needtobestrong

    Needtobestrong Gold IL'ite

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    Emotional blackmail! Don’t fall for it..old age suffering are not an excuse for verbal abuse...
    She may not be able to help but can’t she speak a few nice words of appreciation for such a DIL who does all the work when she doesn’t even lift a finger to help...
    Many DILs happily co exist with in laws in a joint family in the same house, because in laws are good and helpful to son and DIL..they help in child care and in turn get support during old age...
    I know a few smart MILs who really dislike their DILs but they adjust and get along well for the sake of happiness of son and for securing their future when they’re too old to fend for themselves..
    You will not end up like her...I think all of us in present generation are much more reasonable and sensible people.
     
    anika987 likes this.
  7. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    Anika

    how do you live with he for 6 months? i have a passive aggressive MIL who gets on my nerves and shes the same in terms of vacations , household work and even all the taunting like her son is hers and he will move them in etc etc
    i just hate her and i cant stand her anymore
    she is always taunting me for my parents not giving her gifts etc
    she wants to take every single vacation with us and gives all the money to sil
    she does nothing at home and pretends that she does a lot in the evening when her son is abck from office
    she lies, she manipulates and is a miser
    i just dnt want to live with her and i had so many fights with my husband about it
    moving them permanently is the greatest fear of my life as i feel i will loose my own house ( she is very dominating )
    in my case , my husband sider her ( may be because of old age ) .I feel miserable with my husband when shes around because he acts like a typical mummas boy and she knows and she manipulates
    A vacation is not a vacation with them as they have their own things going on and my sil interferes so much in my house when they are here...she practically runs everything from behind the scene .Telling them what to do , how etc

    i dnt want to live with my mil at all .what can i do ?
     
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  8. anika987

    anika987 Finest Post Winner

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    Are you in India or abroad?

    I feel sometimes it doesn’t matter where one lives..It is pyschological whenever we are..

    I was a sil once and what your sil does is wrong.I feel one should give space to a husband and wife no matter how close we are.For any woman..husband should love her the best.

    Agreed..we gave birth to our sons and daughters but after they find their own partners..once should take a step back.
    No woman can come between a mom and a son.

    The problem Comes when they want to “keep reminding “ that she is the NO 1 woman in her son’s life.


    As a wife..the lady feels she has left all her family and came to this house sharing all the work to be treated second? That is not right too.


    At the end..it is the guy who suffers unfortunately.

    When will this Cold War end?
    When people share the work and give each other space to share their relationship with the man.


    Housework,any hardwork etc = “They are your kids,your home,your Husband.We have done enough and now time to rest.” But..resting for six months in a place like a resort when the dil is doing all the work?

    Vacations,restaurants and outings= “My son,his home and I have all the rights”.Somewhere..all the energy as a 20 year old comes.How?

    I don’t understand 2 things..

    1) Many elderly say “I have done enough and time to rest”.But...in their old age..their dil and son should take care.However,isn’t it time for the dil and son to rest and they are done with their kids?

    Relationships should be built with love and not with control.


    2) Most moms of girl kids do not feel insecurity when the girl gets married
    And get irritated if their daughter loves her husband a lot.Infact,they feel happy and proud.However..why does it feel in the reverse for some mothers with boy kids?

    Is it all psychological?Is a the possessive nature of a woman generally?
     

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