They are Elders.........So what????

Dear Proud,
I agree with everybody. Just ignore them and moveon!! Be focused and go ahead with your life. No matter if somebody appreciates your effort or not, its your kid, so your responsiblity. Think in those lines.

They are Elders, what a sick statement?
Why can't all elders behave maturely? why our parents behave in a much matured way than our inlaws??
What happens if same kind of ill treament give to your DH by your parents??

 

Thanks !

Role model ? To whom ? You are being a good daughter / wife / DIL and a mommy.. That is all you can do. Dont bend any backwards and impress anyone or guve undue attention to anyone. Just return what they deserve.

True.. But, you shouldnt feel sad for what they did / do to you. You do your best, whatever you can, whatever you can afford ! Dont expect anything from your husband, who doesnt really want to DO things. Ignore him, that is what he deserves ! Instead.. see how you can help your parents iff there is a need in future. Once your kid can handle him / herself try sending him / her to day care / pre-school and give a break to your parents. Dont expect too much out of them or for for that matter, allow them to do too many favours for you, even if they volunteer to. They will never say NO.. so, you say.. ITS OK. So, give it sometime and let them go. That is the best favour you can do for them.

 

Though it might sound like not a good scenario...but sometimes ignorance is bliss..it just keeps us out of the mess! In your situation also it helps...As long as something is not related to your family i.e husband and kid and your ownself and your home...why worry whats happening on inlaws front? you have tried your best all this while isnt it??? so when you want to ignore, do it totally...initially its tough as you being a nice person, wont be able to be this rude or turn your head away from such people...but again when all they give is pain and hurt, isnt it better to save yourself from such pain n hurt to save your heart and brain for something better

Please have peace of mind that you are not doing any injustice to any one here and do not worry! slowly things would fall in place..who knows people might learn a lesson or two from your behaviour:coffee

 

Proud Indian,
I was in your boat. I wasted 7 years of my life thinking why dont the in laws love me and why can't DH stand up to them (he tried but they would shout him down)..
2 years out of that were with my son and I was really hurting myslf and him by being sad and angry.
So, now I have stopped thnking about them and just focus on my family. Granted, they dont come here either. In your case you ahve to tolerate them. But you know what, after 7 years, I am finally able to follow my mom's advice: If you hate someone, you dont have to show him, just stop respecting them in your head..
And that really means not letting them hurt you, wahtever they say or do..They are below your levelso they dont matter.. they cant hurt you.
Try to do that. and tak care of urself. u got to live for your son. and you owe it to him to behappy.

 

Shouldn't your husband have the same feeling for his, then?

 

Proud, If I learn that they dont leave anything for me then I shall do following:
1) Tell myself am giving charity food to hungry crowd outside a temple.
2) Let them make atleast 3 out of 5 tea, and disappear from scene for remaining.... well thats what I hear myself... that we cant expect even a tea from a working DIL who doesn't like tea herself...
3) Pack a small tiffin for myself before leaving for a walk cos I know that no morsel shall be left for me.. instead of sleeping hungry or eat before walk.
4) Barely worry about what relatives will think with their badmouthing.. cos at one point the same inlaws were badmouthing those relatives.. its just that they've chosen to hate me now.

 

Hi Proud,

My understanding from what you say is that you seek validation from your husband for how well you are dealing with the situation. Like Srividya has said in an earlier post, it seems to have become an ego issue for your husband. I feel you can level with your husband.

In a similar case where my husband refused to acknowledge my contributions, I sat him down and discussed it. Of course, first I had to tell him that I loved him and look forward to spending my life with him. However, somethings bother and hurt me. I told him that I would like some sincere appreciation when he felt I did something nice. Although he initially felt that I was only doing my duty, I kept asking him for feedback in a very light, jolly manner. I wouldn't rest until he says something positive. In a couple of months, it became a habit for him to notice and acknowledge the positives.

Regarding your in-laws, they seem super old-fashioned and petty. Well, I had a high flying career too and my mil kept saying stuff like yours did - reg giving me life. At one point, I gave it back to her straight - that it is her son who is super lucky to get a smart, well educated girl like me. And he should thank his lucky stars he wasn't stuck with some country bumpkin. She was shocked but that shut her up.

Also when they visit, please don't go out of your way to attend to them. Give your husb little jobs. Like my fil used to expect the women (though the sons will be right there watching telly) to bring him water and such. In front of my fil and my mil, in a jovial manner, I told my husband - "what is this, useless fellow, can't you even get your father a glass of water?" Again, my ILs were shocked and from then on, would get their own stuff instead of trying to treat me like a slave.

Basically, if you are unhappy doing something for them, don't do it. Just tell them politely that you can't do it for such and such reason.

My feeling is that guys from that sort of background aren't at peace within themselves. They are sort of morose and have issues connecting with the wife as they feel that they are letting their parents down by doing that. For my husband, I decided I'll be kind and cheerful all the time and engage him in random banter. Initially, he didn't know how to react. But over a few months, he sort of understood that life with me can be fun and joy. The intimacy improved.

I hope that you too win your husband over with good cheer!

Good luck.

 

Hi,

Wow Guesshoo, my way of doing things are also somewhat like yours.....Initially my MIL was very rude to me and my DH knew about it. He sat them down and told them to be nice. When they visisted us in 2006, I was wearing a very nice pink dress and DH said "Look Mummy, she looks so pretty....". My MIL didn't know how to react to that but forced herself to say "That pink color looks nice on you". I looked into her eyes and said "Thanks Mummy. Actually all colors look good on me....You have a beautiful DIL". She was so shocked and didn't know what to say...............:biglaugh

My DH does not know how to cook and frankly speaking I don't know much cooking too. My MIL once told me "I really feel sorry for my son.....he eats whatever you give him and never complains." I was so pissed off. I told her "Yeah Mummy...I know. But how can he complain about my cooking when he can't cook himself????" She was shocked again.

It is like you want to have the cake and eat it too....ha ha...That is not possible. You have a DIL who works, takes care of the house, takes care of the baby and you still complain that things should be better....WTH??

But the good thing is that my DH is learning to stand up for me.......I have an English name (a very common name in eastern India) and last time when my in-laws were visiting us, my FIL said "Howcome you have such an English name? Don't you feel awkward?" I was about to give him a superb answer but before I could say something, MY DH said "I am actually very happy that she has such a beautiful name, esp. now because she lives here in the US.....People don't have any problem pronouncing her name..."


Proud,

Just learn to ignore them and have zero expectation from them. To be frank, your in-laws don't deserve your love. Take care......