There Are Also Good Men And Bad Women! Just Read This!

Good Suggestions, Good Question!

Dear Varloo,

that was a good suggestion. To promise a gift and then leave with a clear conscience. But there is a greater risk in that. If on reaching Bangalore Roopa decides not to give anything to Suren, then Bhaiyya will cut an even more sorry face.

Wanting to possess things is natural and something innate in our genes. That's the reason why we need to strive hard to get out of this quality.

The scheme of life as envisaged by God is that we should love people and use things. But we are doing the reverse. And that's the root cause of all the problems.

A generation or two ago, life was different. It was difficult to see goodies. At least in those days this urge to possess had some basis to it, though that went straight against the very concept of love. These days we have relative abundance. Compared to the person of a similar economic status those days we are doing far better. God has blessed us with such an external abundance that it may be reflected in our inside also.

Why did the Tamil magazines reject the story? This is the exact advice I want to give to the budding writer. ( I too belong to that category). Whosoever may reject your work, but you don't reject it. Once a very popular magazine did not say anything about the story I sent some 6 months back. Exasperated I sent another copy of the story. But before the copy could reach the publisher the original got rejected. I was disappointed.
But surprisingly in another 2 weeks the magazine accepted the copy. That's some thing strange because I took a computer print out of the story without changing even a full stop.
Editors have their problems. But we should not let them discourage us.
Thanks Varloo for being the first to respond,
regards,
sridhar

 

I need to explain the title!

Dear Kamla,

Let me first explain the rather slightly unethical title. But I wanted all the ILites to read this story. What better way to attract them than having a controversial title like that. I don't believe in that gibberish; to generalise any quality for a gender, a community, race or caste is bigotry.

There are many brothers like the bhaiyya. And there are people like Surendar too. Once I was involved in the partition exercise for a big family. There were totally 7 brothers. They had enormous properties (for Madurai's Standards). They belonged to the Sourasthra community. One of the younger brothers suggested at the very beginning that the property has to be divided into 8 parts and the eldest brother should get 2 parts. They explained to me that it was the custom in their community as the eldest brother plays the role of father too.

This kind of attitude made my job very easy. I could suggest a very fair division in just two meetings.

A rich jeweller once came to me for counsel. His wife's side was even more richer than him. After his fil's death, his bil, his wife's younger brother was trying to cheat his own sister of her righteous share. The property was worth several crores. And given the present state of law had they filed a case they could have got a hefty settlement. But the lady said, 'after all he is my brother. I don't want to lose him for the sake of property.' Her husband was disappointed. He wanted my counsel. I told him to ascertain a value for his wife's peace of mind and his relationship with his bil. If the property value is more than that he could go fighting. That somewhere stuck a chord in him and he abandoned all attempts to fight with his wife's family.
See, here, the lady is good.

As to husbands who are bullied by their wives, their psychology is so totally different from the other normal men. They suffer from what the psychologists love to call The Stockholm Syndrome, where the hostages fall in love with their captor. It is very difficult to go against a bullying wife. Even more so against a bullying husband.
If you had watched the movie Kandu Konden Kandu Konden you would have seen how Anita Rathnam tries to bully her husband into not giving any share in the property for his sister and his daughters. The husband submits but when he is about to die bequeaths the entire property to his sister's children. But by that time the sister's children (Tabu and Aish) have come up on their own and give back the property to their aunt lovingly.
Let's not lose hope on human nature, Kamla.
sridhar

 

All these are home-truths, Chitra!

Dear Chitra,

I know many of my professional colleagues who are brilliant to the core but they have failed in their marital relationships.

One of my seniors in the CA course is now the MD of an MNC. He fell in love with a girl who is also a CA and they got married. After several years of marriage the man started to suspect the fidelity of his wife and they both are in hell now.

Being good at profession does not guarantee that you would be good at the relationships as well. But nowadays things are changing. Today if you want to be good at any profession you need to be first good in handling human relationships.

If you had finished the book Why Men Cant... you would have noticed the authors saying about the accounting profession. You need to be concerned with that for your husband, your son and your friend (yours truly) are accountants.
The authors say that the accounting profession used to be all-males till very recently because women do not have that spatial skills which an accountant very badly needs. Of late it has been found that what is more important is the relationship part. So more and more women are coming here. (I am really unlucky; for when I was doing my CA course, ladies would not come a mile near a CAs office)

As to the title I call your attention to my reply to Kamla which explains it all.
Again having guts to resist bullying is an individual quality. There are males who lack it and there are a greater number of females who lack it.

The hero of the story has a simple strategy. He rules and his wife overrules. No complications there.
There is no story outside relationships especially the man-woman relationships.
I am happy that you liked those passages which I also loved writing. I was so engrossed in writing this story (some 4 years back, that it wrote itself). I just did not interfere with the process.
regards,
sridhar

 

I did not generalise, Sudha

Dear Sudha,

Thanks for the beautiful words. Well, selfishness, sacrificing, attachment are individual traits independent of the gender.

There are selfish men as there are selfless women. To generalise based on sex or race is nothing but bigotry.

Honestly you can see the human nature in its full form when you are dealing in small matters like goodies from Singapore than discussing about partitioning a property worth a hundred crores.
Our heroines have given some suggestions, no doubt. But I am afraid whether they would work out. Let's see.
regards,
sridhar

 

A combined reply to Vandhana and Meena!

Dear Vandhana,
Hello Meena,

You both have raised some valid objections. And so in accordance with the judicial practice of bunching together similar petitions I have bundled your posts for a common reply. For a change let me allow the lawyer in me to wake up and give the answer. It's fun watching him do that job.

01 As to the title, Mesdames, I have explained in very minute detail to my reply to Kamla which appears on this same page. That may kindly be treated as reply to you too.

02 Yes, women are attached to things. Plain fact. The story looks so real because I have portrayed a woman with a selfish attachment to things. Had I given the same quality to the bhaiyya then the story would have been a flop. Nice women like you two would not have condescended even to read the story.

03 But that does not mean that men are not attached to things. They are attached to different things. Being inspired by Peases (the authors of Why Men Dont...) I am tempted to make my own analysis. While women will be attracted to goodies like this, men will be attached to books, cars and bikes. I know a famous comedian. He has some 8 cars. But he is so much attached to them that he doesn't allow his wife to go in those cars. She goes by auto. See, this attachment is a million times worse than Rupa's.

04 Even yours truly is a solid example of that attachment. I wont mind even if my wife gifts her jewellery to any one. But if she gives my books to any of her friends we have a nasty fight.

05 Meena, your husband giving away that favourite idol is really heart-rending. But think like this Meena. Think some twenty years from now. Will you be glad that you gave away or you retained it?

06 Let's take another extreme example. Let's say somebody is in her deathbed. Will she repent her giving away her things or repent hoarding them?

07 I once had a businessman friend. He maintains his house spic and span and has all beautiful things in it. The problem with him is when you tell him, "This curio is good. Where did you get it?" The next day the thing will be packed and sent to you. I never ask about any of his goodies. And then he would be sad and say that I have not noticed all his art collections.

08 And Most Gracious Ladies, I don't mind repeating what I said earlier. People are to be loved and things are to be used. Not the other way round.

09 And finally please don't think that I am standing on a higher pedestal and preaching you about non-attachment. I also suffer from the same disease. Perhaps writing stories like these gives me some vicarious pleasure. In making my characters do what I will not be able to do. So, ladies we are walking in the same road.
regards,
sridhar

 

Is it a natural tendency, only with women? Sameside goal!

Hi Rajeswary,

Why this sameside goal about womens natural tendency to be attached to things? Being attached to things, (Of all the languages in the world, Sanskrit gives an exact word for it, Lobham and ranks it the third among the six great sins) is an individual weakness we, both men and women, need to shed.

Can men not tackle a bullying wife? As to this I am the least competent to answer. For God has blessed me with such a wonderful wife that it is only I who bully her now and then. So honestly you need to look elsewhere for the answer.

Thanks for labelling the story, "muthana kathai." It does mean a lot to me.
regards,
sridhar

 

Good Question!

Hello Lakshmi Madam,
(A sir always begets a Madam. I am very strict in that. ha ha ha)
You have raised a million dollar question. Why cant Roopa understand such love? If she can understand such a love then she wont be like that. Mystics say if you want to enjoy God's love you should have at least 1% of His qualities. If you want to enjoy a wonderful work of art, you need to have at least 10% of the creativity of the artist.
And yes, you have provided an answer to the question. Our hearts should be pure to receive that love.
Thats why Valluvar said, purity of heart is dharma, is charity and morality. All the rest are just show-offs.
Manathu kann maasilan aathal anaitharan Aahula neera pira.

Thanks to your kind wishes, will write more and more stories, Lakshmi.
regards,
sridhar