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The Thought Of Living With Inlaws Is Killing Me

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Jun 1, 2020.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    how do you live with inalws for 6 months?

    every time i have stayed with her, she brings me down .I'm a business owner and i even see decrease in my revenues when my inalws come with us for few months together .She simply creates this negative atmosphere in the house that I get tensed and loose my focus on business.

    i have a passive aggressive MIL who gets on my nerves and shes jealous of everything what i wear to the vacations we go to , household work and even all the taunting like her son is hers and he will move them in etc etc
    i just hate her and i cant stand her anymore
    she is always taunting me for my parents not giving her gifts etc
    she wants to take every single vacation with us and gives all the money to sil
    she does nothing at home and pretends that she does a lot in the evening when her son is back from office
    she lies, she manipulates and is a miser
    i just dnt want to live with her and i had so many fights with my husband about it
    moving them permanently is the greatest fear of my life as i feel i will loose my own house ( she is very dominating )
    in my case , my husband sides her ( may be because of old age ) .I feel miserable with my husband when shes around because he acts like a typical mummas boy and she knows and she manipulates
    A vacation is not a vacation with them as they have their own things going on and my sil interferes so much in my house when they are here...she practically runs everything from behind the scene .Telling them what to do , how etc

    i dnt want to live with my mil at all .what can i do ?
     
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  2. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

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    I'm not a woman but I have lived with my in laws for years and in my experience, we can never take place of their child. I live with my MIL and SIL as FIL passed away 5 years ago. Although I don't pay heed to them, the snide remarks on my habits, etc do bother me at times. There is usually no point complaining to your spouse because in most cases they will side with their family. So what do I do?

    I spend a lot of time outside, do not indulge in discussions with them and usually ignore them on their face if they say anything hurtful. Doing it on their face makes a big statement. And if I can do it for years then you can do it for 6 months too. Focus on your business and you always have the internet to let out your angst. Good luck!
     
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  3. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    @Goahead , ever wonder why you who is a smart, educated , financially independent woman, not feel in control and feel so helpless and frustrated in dealing with your MIL?

    imo, it is your husband. For too long we have been placing the blame on mils when the real reason that gives mils the power is the husband. We have excuses for every time the husband fails to stand by us- mil is scheming, mil is manipulative, mil is evil. Really? and the husband is so innocent he fails to see this? You are married to him. He should support you . If he doesnt , then work on that. Trying to control your mil wont work - only your husband can do that and with far less effort.

    So that is what you can do - work on your emotions , you are too emotional now to be practical. Then work on your husband to make him realise how his mom is. Dont tell him, he wont listen to you, let him see her true face. you can be scheming too. Everytime you attack your mil, it just confirms you being unreasonable. Dont . Just defuse situations and let him see her flaws.
    All this if you think you husband is smart enough and brave enough to see the truth and stand up for you.
     
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  4. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    Yes totally agree and I have understood this for past 3-4 years now . Initially I was too naive to o ly think that in-laws are to be blamed. I have now realized that he has allowed this and that’s why this never ends .
    I dnt have the best of relation with husband because of this. I dnt say anything to him now directly but even when he sees something happening and in-laws being mean unreasonable : he brushes it off and Ben tried to lie to me and hide their true self from me . He covers them up. I’m really frustrated with in-laws and even him . Totally in agreement that this has all happened because of him
    I really dnt know what to do and I’m so frustrated .. I’m finding my happiness in myself but I dnt want to share my home with negative people because then it will be very difficult for me to stay positive .
    I have gone to a piping that husband can do anything it’s fine but I dnt want them in the house and he does not even agree to that and fights with me all the time.. I have even proposed to buy a condo nearby etc but of course that he is never going to agree because we are in US
    I can’t even tell you how much I hate my mil and can’t even stand looking at her face now . How will I live with her ?
    You always have some mental impression of a person when you talk to a person: when I see my mil I feel I’m taking to a liar . Manipulative and have no respect left for her
    I dnt even want my kids to get involved with her because she fakes the love as well and keep teaching them how their bua is the best and kids should respect dada dadi bua
    I want my kids to know the truth also dnt want her to manipulate my kids
     
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  5. Dreamer

    Dreamer Silver IL'ite

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    You seem to be surrounded by really mean people. I sense a lot of anger in you but I hope you don't let that steal your patience.
     
  6. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

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    OP, I can understand your anger, hatred and resentment. But the only person who is affected by all these is you. Others are not at all disturbed by this. Its affecting you because you really care about MIL, stop doing that. Consider her like an old lady who is sick. You can't change her.

    Give her respect and care like you do to anyone. If she say something listen as if you value her, if it's good take it. If not, completely ignore and do what you want in your life.

    Also dont give the reaction, she is looking for. Just be cool and relaxed. Just consider it as a noise. You can talk to you dh. But complaining will back fire. So tell him, it's his responsibility to take care of his mother and you have so many other jobs to do.

    If there are household jobs, dont do when husband is not there. Be busy with your own things or me time. Start doing most of it only when husband is home, so that he can see who is doing it. If MIL asks you to do, say something politically correct or request her to do or ask her wait till you are done with your jobs. Go to your room and relax.

    But you want a peaceful atmosphere, so its better if you control your response, dont engage her much, ignore the things you dont like. If she say something you can tell her to convey it to her son. Direct her to him all the time in a smart way. Dont take any of her reactions to heart. Be busy with your life, do what you can, completely ignore the tantrums of son and mom. As you have business, focus on that .

    If you get stressed, you only will loose your sanity and it can affect your life. So take control of your life and dont allow anyone to take the driving seat of your life. Good luck.

    There are many articles on how to handle controlling persons. Please check that. It may give you some valid points.
    How to Handle Controlling People
    How to Cope With a Controlling Person: 14 Steps
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2020
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  7. drdiva

    drdiva New IL'ite

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    I beg to differ here..u should not blame ur husband and not spoil ur relations with him bcoz of in laws behaviour..my husband supports me now after 13 yrs of marriage ..though earlier he never used to support me I used to fight with him..but now that he supports me in many things in laws have not changed they will constantly try to create issues and one out of five times they will succeed . A senior and a friend of mine told me that I should never fight with my husband bcoz of in laws issue but it's not always possible but u should try to follow this. And yes allow limited interactions of kids with inlaws
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