The poison tree called sibling rivalry

Cheeniya · Feb 4, 2008

Dear Lalitha
I am a father of two daughters too and my second daughter is a mother of two daughters as well. As a result, I can see the difference between bringing up two daughters in the '70s and now! But I can tell you one thing for sure. Girls depend on their parents longer than the boys! Further, the problems faced by the parents in bringing up children have undergone a lot of change in this generation. In our days, the parents had the last say but now the children have the last say!

All that 'lime paste and butter' stuff was widely prevalent about 50 years back. Instances of favouritism were too many and the methods of showing such favouritism were glaring. I should say that the differential treatment nowadays, if at all present, is more subtle. Children are more sensitive now and so are the parents. Girls are increasingly becoming more conscious of their rights too.

You are right that the mothers have to bear the brunt. They bear it willingly and joyfully. Fathers are not that patient to get deeply involved in bringing up the kids!
Sri

Vysan · Feb 5, 2008

Dear Sri,

Sibling rivalry..... I dont know whether it is a poisonous tree or not... As long as the rivalry does not go overboard, it is fine... We are 4 in the family... Two elder sis and one younger brother... Since I am the eldest "SON".... I have to go to the market, get the veggies, go to the ration shop and the things falls on my head... Somehow, my mother pushed it into my head that I have to shoulder the responsibility .... For everything, I have to go... On the contrary, my brother is the lucky guy... He used to be allowed scot free... During my school days, the family position was very tight... Me being little taller than the normal, all my shorts will become mini... So, I used to get all my fathers, uncles pants altered for me... When my brothers turn came... He will never accept used/altered... He used to get new ones... I used to feel bad and fight with my mom... But at the end, it was always a losing battle, because, I couldnt go against her wishes, till her end... there used to always be a difference in the treatment...and even today my father does the same... but i have learnt to accept it and go ahead in life.... Similarly there used to be rivalry amoung my sisters... but that used to be in studies... My younger sister came School first in +2 and all praises for her, my elder sister studied ferociously and became the university rank holder in Degree...

But my mother didnt allow this rivalry to become poisonous... We still love each other... Again I go back to the old saying.... Endhakkuzhandhayum nallak kuzhandhaithan mannil pirakaiyeley.... adhu nallavaravadhum theyavaravadhum annai valarkaieyley

Veda

Cheeniya · Feb 5, 2008

Dear Veda
You are absolutely right that upbringing is the most important factor in moulding the character of a child. And in almost all families, mothers have a greater role to play in the upbringing. It doesn't stop until the child grows into a man.

I am fully aware of the sterling role that my mother played in shaping our lives. My brother joined the Indian Administrative Service and retired as the Chief Secretary of the Govt of Tamilnadu. I joined the SBI as Probationary Officer. We lived in a 10-tenament apartment of a lower middleclass locality where my peers hardly completed school final and took up very small jobs. If my brother and I could make it to a decent position in our lives after spending our childhood in such lowly atmosphere, the credit should go entirely to our mother. She also ensured that there was no unhealthy rivalry between me and my brother. My father certainly did not share the burden of bringing us up with my mother.

Sri

RamyaVaradharajan · Feb 5, 2008

Dear most Cheeniya sir,

Thank you very much.

Parents play a vital role and as you had very aptly said, it is the "mother" who spends most of the time with their wards. Responsibilities should be equally shouldered when it comes to the siblings. Parents should let them handle different situations on their own accord, and sit and discuss with the kids for them to catch upon the same. Age and temperament hits the fore front and its up to their parents to pacify and weed it out at an early stage.

The psychological state of the whole family should also be taken care of. "Attitude" in tackling any situation is very important. Different question tags should be removed with appropriate solutions. According to me, comparisons are the worst enemy of any kid born out of God's creativity. Each and every creation is manifested with the aspect of uniqueness and is showered with a "unique personality" per se!! Attitude resides in our long term memory and if anything negative that binds to our conscience, will directly reflect in our daily routine and actions. The cognitive processing of any information will be on a lesser tone with the kids when compared to matured parents. Hence parents should play a strong role in identifying the strengths and weaknesses of their kids. Teaching them to "accept" what is in them is a long-term process and once that is achieved, the boat of life can be easily oared against all vicissitudes that come our way !!

Regards
RamyaVaradharajan

Cheeniya · Feb 5, 2008

RamyaVaradharajan said: ↑

Dear most Cheeniya sir,

Thank you very much.

Parents play a vital role and as you had very aptly said, it is the "mother" who spends most of the time with their wards. Responsibilities should be equally shouldered when it comes to the siblings. Parents should let them handle different situations on their own accord, and sit and discuss with the kids for them to catch upon the same. Age and temperament hits the fore front and its up to their parents to pacify and weed it out at an early stage.

The psychological state of the whole family should also be taken care of. "Attitude" in tackling any situation is very important. Different question tags should be removed with appropriate solutions. According to me, comparisons are the worst enemy of any kid born out of God's creativity. Each and every creation is manifested with the aspect of uniqueness and is showered with a "unique personality" per se!! Attitude resides in our long term memory and if anything negative that binds to our conscience, will directly reflect in our daily routine and actions. The cognitive processing of any information will be on a lesser tone with the kids when compared to matured parents. Hence parents should play a strong role in identifying the strengths and weaknesses of their kids. Teaching them to "accept" what is in them is a long-term process and once that is achieved, the boat of life can be easily oared against all vicissitudes that come our way !!

Regards
RamyaVaradharajan
Click to expand...

Dear Ramya
There is a lot of truth in what you say that the psychological state of the family is very important. More importantly, hostilities between father and mother can affect the children profoundly. The type of words that the parents use, their mannerisms, their behaviour etc will have great influence on children. If parents lie to others, you cant expect the children to be truthful. Nowadays I have seen parents telling their children to utter lies. For example, if there is a phone call that the father wishes to avoid, the child is asked to convey to the caller that the father has gone out! Small incidents like this will have a lot of bearing on the youngsters.

I agree with you that every child is special. This has been brought out very well in a recent movie, Taare Zamin Par. The saying that the child is the father of man has great significance because the erring parent has a likelihood of getting reformed just by observing his innocent children!
Sri

Sriniketan · Feb 7, 2008

Cheeniya Sir,
Good topic, Sir.
I don;t think i have any 'right' in discussing this one because i am the only one at my house.
But I have 3 kids. I can see that 'rivalry' between them.
We don't compare the kids. We see to it that no one is left unattended and praise them for their achievements, etc.
In spite of all these, they had developed that 'rivalry' between themselves and 'blamed' me one day that we are partial. We have strong feelings towards our son, etc. Later on my daughters apologised, that itself another story.
I think these ideas are fanned by films too, whereas they 'create' those feelings that 'son is superior and daughters are inferior' even parents try hard not to be like that. It is like they are seeded on those 'innocent minds' and then later on it becomes a poisionous tree.
Maybe our children will realise those when they have children.

sriniketan

Cheeniya · Feb 7, 2008

Dear Sri
Sibling rivalry has existed even before the invention of cinema. I agree that cinema may have an impact on a small percentage of population. But then only bad cinema has any effect on them. Do siblings become overly fond of each other after watching movies like 'Paasa Malar'?
There is a point in what you say that children do feel jealousy despite equal attention from parents. You say you feel strongly towards your son. You may not show this through any special treatment for him but the other children can still 'feel' it. It is natural that parents may feel more drawn towards a particular child but utmost care is necessary to hide that special feeling.
Sri

Anandchitra · Feb 8, 2008

Dear Sri
It is very interesting to read all the posts and everyone's experiences raising children and their takes on it ..also your reply adds so much value to my perspective on this topic..

Sriniketan · Feb 8, 2008

Thanks for your advice Sir.
To me why parents are to be blamed for the child's 'inherited or learned behaviour'?
Poor parents!

sriniketan

rajmiarun · Feb 8, 2008

But gifted children can by themselves cause a feeling of jealousy in the other children. And when parents dote on such gifted children, the rivalry combined with jealousy can reach disastrous levels.

Sri[/quote]

Dear Sri Sir,

It is a very great topic of discussion. You are 100% true by this statement, it is still happenning in my friend's family, inspite of we all telling her not to do so, she keeps doting her son, who is a prodigy and who plays key board with great ease. Infact her husband have always tried a lot to avoid situations where her daughter will be compared with son. Though the girl is also proud to have such a brother, when it comes to mother doting, she really feels quite bad and tries to be extra naughty. It takes days for her to come back to normal.

Lesson learnt from her is never ever compare your kids for anything as each child is absolutely unique in their own way.

But the wonder part is this girl is a very good painter, she has a good sense of colours, which is not appreciated much by her mother, though she gets lots of credit for this from outside.