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The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it ?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by darmesh, Jan 8, 2014.

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  1. my2angels

    my2angels Silver IL'ite

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    When you become a MIL yourself, you will be enlightened with the "rational theory" :)
     
  2. my2angels

    my2angels Silver IL'ite

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    Darmesh

    From One man to another, this is IndusLADIES Forum, you are barking up the wrong tree. No pun intended.:bang
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2014
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  3. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    Dharmesh Very nice write up.I have two DILs and my life goes smooth as i am not interefering in their activities.Possessiveness plays the key role in the MIL& DIL conflict.Here i blame the boys and not the Girls.They must be balanced in showing love and affection to his Mother and to his Wife.when he gets married he showers his love to his wife and this is natural and at this juncture a Mother misses his son's affection.As an elder generation if she think for a while and feel her son's happiness
    there comes no rift between Mil&Dil.Like this DILs also have some duties to keep a healthy relationship.My dear young girls you are well educated than your mil and so try to understand them.They feel insecure and so they want to show their supremacy.A Mil must treat her DIL as her daughter and a Dil must think her as a mother. yes it's very hard to follow such policy but if we want a peaceful life we must change ourselves.

    A son's love to his mother is always there and sometime it is like a sun blocked by clouds and so mothers make your son happy being kind to your Dils.DILs this is for you ,show your love to your MIL . As a Mother she has toiled hard to bringup their children for a long time and immediately after marriage she can't tolerate her son's love to another woman.Either she is literated or unliterated this thought are common in a Mother.TODAY'S MOTHER ARE YESTERYEAR'S DAUGHTER-IN-LAW AND TODAY'S DAUGHTER-IN-LAW ARE TOMORROW'S MIL.

    I am sure many asthrams will be thrown on me after reading this by my young friends and also by my dear colleagues.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    Today's DILs are somebody's daughters and will always be so. The DILs' parents also toiled hard to bring them up.
     
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  5. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    MILs have so many people (husband, son, daughter, other MILs at temples, etc) to vent their feelings and most of them will be sympathetic to them.

    For DIL, the only person is their husband and if the husband does not listen or provide support, they have no one else to look for support. Most DILs don't want to burden their parents with their problems. They will also not share it with their friends as well. They just suffocate with their feelings. IL provides a neutral and comfortable place to relieve the stress. Sometimes reading life situation of other DILs provides the needed comfort that we are at least some what in a better situation than others.
     
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  6. sweetypi

    sweetypi Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    Dear Periamma, You must have also noticed that the girl's mother is usually less resentful of the daughter-son-law's relationship, if it is a very loving one. This is inspite of the fact that she has toiled as hard as her daughter's MIl to raise her children.
    A mature woman, specially with adult married children should learn to control feelings of jealousy with respect to her son and daughter-in-law. The wife and the mother are not competitors. Surely, one does not need education in the conventional sense to realize this.
     
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2014
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  7. LuvUMom

    LuvUMom Silver IL'ite

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    Not an answer to OP's question, but I wonder why always people conveniently forget that the girl/DILs parents also worked hard to bring her up, payed her college fees etc. why people only talk about how the guy's parents have brought him up and hence they should be revered :bonk
     
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  8. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    Let me state quite bluntly what Sweetypi and others here are saying in a nicer way (I'm sorry, no time right now to sugar-coat anything). Yes, it is most often the MIL-DIL relationship that is dysfunctional (not MIL-SIL or FIL-DIL). This means there is a special dynamic here, tied to gender imbalances (patriarchal society where women have to resort to underhanded tricks to assert themselves) that is behind this MIL-son/husband-DIL tug-of-war.

    At heart, it is an issue of an unhealthy relationship between mother and son. How and why would anyone who is healthy and functional be threatened by a woman marrying her son? The mother-son relationship is quite unique, but so is the wife-husband relationship. One is necessarily NOT sexual, and the other is necessarily sexual, in addition to being qualitatively different in many ways. To me, there should naturally be a separation of feelings here as a result of this.

    After all, we don't have brothers going insane and tormenting their BILs when their favorite sisters get married. No, it is the son who marries who somehow is seen to be doing his family of origin a disservice. A DIL is needed (for procreation, keeping house, double income, and so on), but any signs that she is a thinking, feeling human being with her own needs, personality, and family of origin, somehow is not always seen as a desirable part of the package.

    I have serious doubts that many DILs start out behaving in unacceptable ways. They have too much to lose to start off this way in a new family. But I'm pretty sure they become dysfunctional themselves after enough time dealing with MIL machinations (see previous theory, about disenfranchised women empowering themselves in underhanded ways).

    Now, before all you offended people (men and MILs?) light the torches, form the mob, and march upon my abode to hang, draw, and quarter me, just try to consider my perspective, for a moment, impartially and without taking it personally. If that doesn't work, reassure yourself with the knowledge that my theory is bunkum, and you are one of those lucky few mothers and sons who are just "close" to each other, and it really is the wife/DIL who is the major troublemaker ;)
     
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  9. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    Rihana I accept you that all parents Toil hard to bring their children .here you gain a new relationship and a mother is the loser.if you have a brother your mother will also tell the same.this is the mentality of women.i am writing this only for discussion and not to offend any one
     
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  10. periamma

    periamma IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

    Hi Dear some MIL rewind their role as a DIL and argues "i was like this to my MIL and why you behave like this" and this is mere generation gap.
     
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