The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it ?

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

well,as each of us do know out shortcomings I am going to post my MILs complaints if she was net savvy she would have again me( which I feel I do deserve)

1.my DIL wakes up at 7 am whereas in our home its is the trend that all wake up at 4am or 5 am in winters,take bath ,do puja & then enter kitchen & have tea.............she on otherhand goes directly to make bedtea,sits outside in fresh air & reads newspaper..........bathing is at her convenience.......and she uses geyser to warm water for bathing even in summer wheras we don't even use hot water in winters too....

2.her veggies & dals have hardly any oil & she always remind me to use less oil ......I am cooking for last 30-40 yrs & she is trying to teach me new ways.......then her constant reminder to wash veggie & then cut them.....I have been cutting veggie & the washing them for last 30 yrs & we all are healthy ... .....

3.DIL is always doing things like whispering to her hubby(my son) giggling ,giving him adorable smiles & worst holding/touching him in public............I don't like that at all.
i want to feel special when my son comes to visit & she even asks my son to come & sit with me & talk to me as if he needs reminding(does he?)

4.she hardly lets me feed my grandson ........well,i love my grandkids & I want to pamper them with chocolate or crisps but she keeps on talking about junk & zero nutrition ............why doesn't she let me pamper them for a week for which they visit us.....

5.she doesn't call me on phone as much as before .........when questioned she says that we never call them so she feels no obligation to call us.....don't know in past she was so regular & yes,i do accept that I never used to appreciate her for that & when she used to call ask only about my son & grandkids & never her but I am trying to change that....last time I did ask how she is her health after telling her that her SIL has got diabetes ....... she got offended & said she is fit & fine .....

and that is not all......I am sure she has many more but I really can't remember them all...........though to tell truth she never complained about the above mentioned also but I assume she will given the chance........

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

there are many male members here who hasn't come yet with their perspective towards their mil either. better you start one and every mil would now gathers all the courage from you to create one as there are people like you in IL to defend them.

please don't take me wrong, you might have seen inlaws dil thread which made you furious, but the fact here is all dils are venting out here, it doesn't mean they hold their grudges rest of the life. they vent out here since they don't get to lead the life the wanted to and mil may have always been successful in having things done her way..so apparently dil will venting out here and mil enjoys her victory over dil. if the case is vice versa, mil would definetly come forward to create one such thread.

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

A son's perspective on his mom's insecurities towards his affections after he gets married : Why no man starts a thread on it?

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Darmesh, You are wrong in your assumption.

There is a medical terminology for this kind of people "Sadists" you can read more about this from this article Everyday Sadists Take Pleasure In Others’ Pain

"Two studies led by psychological scientist Erin Buckels of the University of British Columbia revealed that people who score high on a measure of sadism seem to derive pleasure from behaviors that hurt others, and are even willing to expend extra effort to make someone else suffer."

Sadistic personality disorder

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

I think the conflicts in the first place happen because there was a lack of upbringing of these MILs and then their future relationships with their own spouses.

Upbringing:
My bro has a gf whom I adore very much. She has her own set of quirks which I don't really care abt because I really like that she brings out the best in my brother. He is happy and that makes us happy. He has been MIA from a lot of things in the family because he is always hanging out with her or sleeping over at her place so it already seems like he no longer lives with my parents (I married some time ago and moved out). But it doesn't bring any hard feelings to any of us. The gf adores my mum as well. My mum has this uncanny ability to love someone else's child AS HER OWN. Not just love them and treat them nicely but she will put her life down for someone else's child as she would for her own.

And this is the feeling I have seen in my mum while I was growing up which has 'trained' me to become completely selfless and see the good in ppl as much as possible. So this avoids a LOTTTT of ill feelings. Most ppl just dislike each other first by default before getting to really know each other. They nit pick. I am the opposite. (Granted some ppl are *ssholes through and through but even still, I find myself not getting consumed by their nonsense.) My mum SHOWED me a lot of love. When other kids my age had mums who were busy always gossiping with each other or discussing TV dramas, my mum was busy playing interactive games with me and teaching me abt life. She was looked down upon by other ladies for doing so and never made any friends in the 'society'. Just had some like minded work colleagues who also ended up very well rounded and emotionally stable. My mum didn't care abt these other ladies or try to be in their circle. She cared abt me. This allowed my bro and me to feel secure and build a very strong bond with my parents. We knew that our love for each other will never diminish just because someone new has joined the family. Nor would any outsides (like those aunties) will have any influence.

My parents also let us make a lotttttt of choices alone from a very young age. We made a LOTTTT of mistakes and suffered a lot of embarrassment and disappointments as a result but, end of the day, we were able to become very independent and strong willed as well. So none of the 'mama's boy' or 'daddy's girl' thing going on here which is a BIG constituent for in-law wars. Nor were our parents dependent on to us emotionally (or financially for their old age) that they felt these securities threatened by someone else in our lives.

Relationship with spouse:
A lot of MILs did not have a good relationship with their spouses which leads to all types of insecurities. They started depending on their kids for emotional support. So it's hard for them to let go. This does not happen with us because our parents are just far too busy spending so much time with each other that they do not even come to visit me and DH! They came twice in two years and they live 45 mins away. They are just too busy going out with each other. So we usually end up visiting them.

They are both past 60 but that hasn't stopped their romance. I can't believe I am writing this but they are as kinky as ever. (Yuck!) They feel very fulfilled in all aspects with each other. A lot of MILs never had that. Well neither did my parents. They had their share of nasty fights in the early years of their relationship (also due to in-laws!) but they decided to work on their relationship as a couple. It was years of nurturing and hard work I am told. A lot of MILs don't get that chance or are too impatient. Or simply don't care and resort to the life they were given feeling that is what they deserve.

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

I think the crux of the matter in a good number of cases is blood being thicker than water and (socially)conditioned responses to situations where parents-in-law/daughters-in-law/sons-in-law are concerned. As far as daughters-in-law or sons-in-law are concerned, most would be biased in favour of their parents while eyeing the parents-in-law with some degree of suspicion, with or without any basis. The reverse is also true. Add to it insecurity, politics, selfishness, greed, sadism, insensitivity, generation gap, whatever you feel like.
Even if MILs were to start threads highlighting their own perspective, only a few will be balanced in their approach like Joylokhi Aunty. The general tone would probably be the same with PILs being the victim and the DIL, the perpetrator.

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Actually I am dying to hear the perspective of a lot of mils. I do want to understand the rational theory behind their behavior.

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

The major reason for these conflicts are insecurity as many people said. I am just reiterating.

No one understands the fact that a girl leaves her family, her house and comes to a new environment. The only person that she trusts might be her husband. The first shock she gets is when she learns that her husband is a mommy's boy. Ofcourse the insecurities begin there.

Instead of making it comfortable for her in the new place, everyone, MIL, SIL, FIL, BIL, husband each and every person starts to look for flaws or even the slightest mistake that she does. So they can point that out and criticize everything she does. Naturally, she has to become defensive and there starts the problem.

When u say that MIL might have issues, i have seen in many cases instead of settling directly with the DIL. MIL tries to go behind their backs and talk about it to her son (DH) or her husband (FIL) or more worse taunt DIL.

The problem is MIL/PIL interference in the daily matters of their children even after they are married. Live and Let live is not something we really teach in India.

I am not saying that all MILs are villains and all DILs are victims. there are cases the other way round or there are cases where they get along also.

Bottomline it would be more easier on everyone -

when MIL respects the fact that once her son gets married thats not the end of the world for her, son will still love her but yes he has a life and needs some space.
When husband understands that wife left everything and trusted him so its his responsibility to make her feel comfortable at the new place, support her, stand-up for her.
When DIL understands not to interfere in her husband's and MIL's relationship. not complain about MIL to her husband. let go the minor things.
The more each one gives breathing space in a relationship the less problems they will have.

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Arch, Isn't a rational theory too much to ask for in the case of mil-dil conflicts ? You will get to hear another version of the same events, that's all :coffee

 

Re: The MIL's perspective on DIL - MIL conflicts: Why no woman starts a thread on it

Darmesh

You answered your own question. How many 30 and 40 year olds are Mother in Laws?