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The Anatomy Of An Indian Marriage!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by varalotti, Dec 25, 2005.

  1. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Welcome, Pankaja!

    Welcome Pankaja to this discussion room. Thanks for your words of appreciation. I wrote this article more to provoke people like you into sharing with your wisdom gained by years of experience. I would love to have your say on the subject.
    sridhar
     
  2. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks Sharada!

    One who has memorised KG's The Prophet will never have a sad moment in his or her life. It's one book which every one should read, read and read again. While on that Sharada, I have an idea. Why don't you write a review on KG's Prophet in your own inimitable style and post it in the good books section? That will surely drive many IL members to the bookstore to buy that book. That'll really be a service.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2005
  3. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    just 3 words

    Hello Sridhar,

    I got this mail on relationships today and thought it is appropriate to post it here.

    There are many things that we can do to strengthen our relationships.
    Often the most effective thing we can do involves saying just three words.
    When spoken sincerely, these statements often have the power to develop new
    friendships, deepen old ones and even bring healing to relationships that
    have soured.



    The following three-word phrases can be tools to help develop every relationship.

    1. Let me help
    Good friends see a need and then try to fill it. When they see a hurt they
    do what they can to heal it. Without being asked, they jump in and help out.

    2. I understand you.
    People become closer and enjoy each other more when the other person accepts
    and understands them. Letting your spouse know - in so many little ways - that
    you understand them, is one of the most powerful tools for healing your relationship.
    And this can apply to any relationship.

    3. I respect you
    Respect is another way of showing love. Respect demonstrates that another
    person is a true equal. If you talk to your children as if they were
    adults you will strengthen the bonds and become closer friends. This
    applies to all interpersonal relationships.

    4. I miss you.
    Perhaps more marriages could be saved and strengthened if couples simply
    and sincerely said to each other "I miss you." This powerful affirmation
    tells partners they are wanted, needed, desired and loved. Consider how
    important you would feel, if you received an unexpected phone call from
    your spouse in the middle of your workday, just to say "I miss you."

    5. Maybe you're right.
    This phrase is very effective in diffusing an argument. The implication
    when you say "maybe you're right" is the humility of admitting, "maybe I'm
    wrong". Let's face it. When you have an argument with someone, all you
    normally do is solidify the other person's point of view. They, or you,
    will not likely change their position and you run the risk of seriously
    damaging the relationship between you. Saying "maybe you're right" can
    open the door to explore the subject more. You may then have the
    opportunity to express your view in a way that is understandable to the
    other person.

    6. Please forgive me
    Many broken relationships could be restored and healed if people would
    admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. All of us are vulnerable to
    faults, foibles and failures. A man should never be ashamed to own up that
    he has been in the wrong, which is saying, in other words, that he is
    wiser today than he was yesterday.

    7. I thank you.
    Gratitude is an exquisite form of courtesy. People who enjoy the
    companionship of good, close friends are those who don't take daily
    courtesies for granted. They are quick to thank their friends for
    their many expressions of kindness. On the other hand, people whose
    circle of friends is severely constricted often do not have the attitude
    of gratitude.


    8. Count on me
    Loyalty is an essential ingredient in any relationship. It is the emotional glue that bonds people. Those that are rich in their relationships tend to be steady and
    true friends. When troubles come, a good friend/spouse is there indicating "you
    can count on me."


    9. I'll be there
    If you have ever had to call a friend in the middle of the night, to take a
    sick child to hospital, or when your car has broken down some miles from
    home, you will know how good it feels to hear the phrase "I'll be there."
    Being there for another person is the greatest gift we can give. When
    we are truly present for other people, important things happen to them and
    us. We are renewed in love and friendship. We are restored emotionally
    and spiritually. Being there is at the very core of civility.


    10. Go for it
    We are all unique individuals. Don't try to get others to conform to
    your ideals. Support them in pursuing their interests, no matter how far
    out they seem to you. God has given everyone dreams, dreams that are
    unique to that person only. Support and encourage your friends to follow
    their dreams. Tell them to "go for it."

    B o n u s : 11. I love you
    Perhaps the most important three words that you can say. Telling someone
    that you truly love them satisfies a person's deepest emotional needs.
    The need to belong, to feel appreciated and to be wanted. Your spouse,
    your children, your friends and you, all need to hear those three little
    words: "I love you."


     
  4. Vidya24

    Vidya24 Gold IL'ite

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    anatomy of my marriage

    Hello Sridhar,

    I read your writings regularly, always think of replying, somehow never got to doing so till now. It is interesting to read your essay on the Anatomy of an Indian Marriage. And it set me thinking abt the anatomy of my own Very Indian Marriage.

    When my parents matched my horoscope with my husband , the compatability was very good in planetary terms. But in pragmatic terms, there were some irritants. For starters, I did not like his name. I did not like the fact that he worked abroad. He on his part felt that I am distant and silent (his words). His mother abhorred the fact that I am not from their locality. Still we got married. And we stay married, happily married, by God's Grace.

    Within the first months of marriage, most of these irritations ironed away naturally. New ones cropped up, some created by us for ourselves, others by people around us and circumstances. I must say that in these ten years of marriage we have been through many difficulties. And we lived in a country where the institution of marrige has almost disappeared. Most relationships are based on 'civil contracts' and our friends tell us that they have spoke very clearly with their spouses on who gets what and which child, in case of almost certain divorce.

    I don't know why our marriage and our feelings for each other stayed on course. I would give full credit to my husband.He on his part says that it is because of me. We have strong personal tastes and opinions. But we both are champions in compromise. We are two people who travel together in life and we strive to make each day worth travelling for the other, and we strive to make each day worth waking up to, for the other.

    Happy New Year and may the sun shine down on all of you!



     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2006
  5. Jaya

    Jaya New IL'ite

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    Hello friends

    Vidya, your post made me go through my own marriage. After our marriage was fixed, my husband had gone abroad. He started liking his chat friend and doubtful of marrying me. Just imagine after engagement, how would you feel if your fiance likes someone else! I had gone through so much pain, i can't express in words. However, he was good enough to tell me about it and realised his mistake. That itself made me take the plunge into marriage though I had second thoughts about breaking off my engagement. After marriage, to add to my misery, he lost his job and he remained jobless for about a year. At home, also there were many tensions, some problems with inlaws, fights, i never ever thought that my marriage would be such a disaster. To add to all this my mother was diagnosed with advanced stage breast cancer, and I had a tough time coping with that also along with my marriage. My father had a bypass surgery, in addition to that. I had thought several times to walk out of this marriage, but somehow found the courage to be in it. But it has paid to some extent, he got a job soon and now we are here in US. He regrets his mistake of hurting me, and gives me the credit for saving the marriage. Now also we are going through many struggles like childlessness, for taking a home, but i think still we are able to survive the marriage only because of the mutual understanding, love, and respect we have for each other. I thank God for helping me to reach to this stage and i believe that I will be more successful in this marriage, and my efforts to save this marriage would not be wasted.

    HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF U.

    Regards
     
  6. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    Re- Anatomy of Indian marriage

    Very nice and in depth thread.
    Very true and very sad.
    But there it is written on the wall for all of us to see , but how many of us care to read and understand. How many in that will take some action. Probably only few.

    If one travel a little deeper into non-metropolitan or village homes, it is so obvious to see that a woman doesn't even ever call her husband by name !!.
    Most of the transaction and communication is mediated through some child who happens to be around. The couple don't even have a decent seperate bedroom to get together. Even if there, they are forbidden to get together in the whole day time by the surrounding relatives or neighbours or friends. If they are seen together, it will be a tale to talk around!!! This defenitely leads to lack of closeness and relationship. But nearly all of them appear sjuccessful .

    The other point I like to bring about is the real anatomy, or rather the Physiology of indian marrige.
    How many couples dare to explore each other physically without any guilt or fear ?? How many can claim that they have intimate knowledge of every milimeter of their spouse ?? Again few numbers.
    A man might have all the knowledge of a woman, but not his wife's, most of the time because either she is very shy or forbids or thinks he is too rotten.
    How many woman can claim that she has completely satisfied her husband's needs in sex honestly ?? ( This should come from him truthfully if asked ).

    On the other hand, many inadequacies in a man related to sex makes him so insecure that he takes off being violent or abusive or dominant person. Like for example, premature ejaculation and very little time spent on foreplay because of the fear of ejaculation in a man is most of the times due to " performance anxiety" to prove his capabality. The poor wife has no way to look into for solace, no person to talk to about this because the man will only vehemently disagree and will only lead to **** hitting the fan.

    When the physical needs is not satisfied, all others look meaningless and even a small point appears big and disdainful. This eventually has a cascading effect or becomes a vicious cycle and leads to assault, violence or complete negligence.

    I have tried to bring in what I failed to see in other replies.
    I will probably post more later on.
     
  7. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Chitra

    All I want to say is one thing:

    COMPROMISE LEADS TO FRUSTRATION.
    Frustration leads to anxiety, negligence and in time degeneration.

    I would rather fight to prove my point, make him understand and be done with it than compromise. There is again some situation where he will not even realise that I am hurt and I have compromised if I dont make it an issue. Only I am burning inside wanting him to come around or plead guilty when he will not because of ignorance of this situation. When it comes to burning, I think both should feel the heat, be reasonable and try our best to cool it , than COMPROMISE.
     
  8. ambika ananth

    ambika ananth Bronze IL'ite

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    brilliant...


    Dear Sridhar
    It is a brilliant analysis…couldn’t help sobbing- the undeniable harsh truth about ‘Indian marriages’ which you put across very well in the article, touched the very core of my mind. The seemingly successful marriages may have their bitter secrets only the couple may be enduring…
    Any relationship needs, ‘ breathing holes for the human spirit to thrive’ and when a marriage does not allow that, it dries up and falls like an autumn leaf.

    Very sensitive article Sridhar….Thanks.
     
  9. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Hats Off To You, Vidya!

    Yes, Vidya, hats off to you. My God, what kind of struggles you have undergone! And I am proud of your matured way of handling things, especially the most sensitive thing like a marital relationship. Credit for work being stolen, being jobless, surviving Arctic winters - looks like the worlds topmost woe-list. Yet you two have come out unscathed to share your experience with others. Vidya, I know people who have not seen any difficulties in life. They are very shallow. Their conversation is limited to weather, parties, movies and the related junk. But with the kind of struggles you have survived you would have become a very deep person. I am also happy that Ramji also lived upto the standards and at last you found happiness. You two will fall into the 3% category which my anatomy article talks in the end. You have started loving each other as he or she is. That's the hallmark of a successful marriage. Seeing your struggles I am reminded of Kahlil Gibran's words. The more sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can hold. (not an exact quote) and further he says, Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
    While I don't have any words for your rich experiences I have something to say for the horoscope matching. In those days one of my relatives, a girl in her twenties had a soft corner for me. But I was not for her. Somehow the family did not attract me. I was allergic to her parents. But she happened to be my first cousin. Her father approached my parents with her horoscope. Though I protested my father gave my horoscope to him. I prayed God that the horoscopes should not match. And it didn't. Which the girls father himself found out. Now that I had a reason I told my parents that as the horoscopes don't match, let's drop it.
    Then I fell in love with a girl. Now my parents insisted that the horoscopes should match. It was the eighties, remember. I agreed to that on the condition that I would choose the astrologer. Then I did some homework and found out an old man whose mismatch rate was less than 1%. I openly asked him why does he approve almost all the horoscopes. He said "mananukoole prathamam prathastham" Mind compatibility is all that matters.
    Then I asked my father to take our horoscopes to this old man. True to my expectations he said it perfectly matches. Not that our married life is very great. It had its ups and downs, some of them pretty serious. In spite of all the threats and near-disasters our marriage survived. So that's about horoscope matching.
    Thanks for the wonderful post, Vidya. In fact by narrating your experiences you have enriched our discussion.
    regards,
    sridhar
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2005
  10. varalotti

    varalotti IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks Ambika!

    Dear Ambika,
    Now I feel that all the painful hours spent in writing this article has been worth the while. In fact all marriages - successful or otherwise - have their bitter secrets. The success of a marriage depends on how the secrets are managed and how we learn to live with that bitterness. As they say courage is not absence of fear but learning to live with fear, so is the case with marriage. Successful marriage is not absence of conflicts but it is all about the art of living with them.
    Thanks for the very nice words, Ambika.
    regards,
    sridhar
     

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