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Tell me what is wrong in being lazy for some days.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Molly37, Mar 9, 2010.

  1. Molly37

    Molly37 New IL'ite

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    After all these years of marriage we seem to have started having problems now. It is 10yrs into marriage with 2 wonderful kids aged 8 and 6.
    I am stay home mom now after being laid off 4months back. Usually, My house is neat and organized but since 3-4 months I have neglected housework like anything. I did not clean kitchen and bathrooms for 2 months now and house is vacuumed once in 3 weeks. The only thing I have been doing regularly is cooking dinner and loading dishwasher. I wash clothes when we run out of clothes only. OK this was not all for 10yrs. We used to hire help when I was in job. This is only for the last 3-4 months now. Somehow, I feel lazy and not feel like doing anything.
    Dh does not want me to hire help since he is worried about spending on it when I can do it. Also, last night he was saying, You cannot ask those guys to clean the house *this* dirty. They will freak out. I agree that the bathroom are in bad state, tub, shower curtain are very dirty.
    OK I told dh to clean one bathroom so I can do the other and also help me in cleaning the rest of the house. He says 'what do you do all the time at home, can't you do it, a room a day'? You just want to push everything on my head.
    I think he is jealous or what? I don't know, but each time he sees me on internet he gets irritated. He says, instead of hanging out on those silly sites (Indusladies) you can clean the house and get it done. He knows I read lot of blogs here on Indusladies and other sites. I tell him about some of the write-ups here and he listens very patiently but when he is mad he gets that out on me.

    I mean, I understand I am at home now but what is it with these men?
    I told him even I know how working in offices goes about. I have been there, done that. Don't you hang out at coffee bars unnecessarily chatting some useless things? Don't you put off your work just because you don't feel like doing it for that day? For this he said yeah, I put off work but not for 3 months otherwise I would have been kicked out by now.
    Yesterday, he was really mad and told the problem is you have been having help (maidservice) with house work for quite a looooong time and now when needed also you are not able to do your own household work. He started saying how much money I have wasted on it because of my this attitude etc. He never pays for the cleaning service. I used to pay so he considers as "I" have wasted.
    Lately, we have been having arguments on this. Last night it was kind of heated and I told him I did not complain like this when he was out of work. To this he says he does not need my money. He says with whatever he makes he can survive and give kids and me decent living and I am arrogant.
    He says I have never asked you to work or not. It is your choice and don't talk as if you are doing me a favor. I did not need your money even when I was laid off....I never used your insurance even then.

    Tell me, what's wrong in my attitude? I have earned all these 10 yrs. And I am sure I will get a job this year. When he was laid off 3 yrs back for 5months then, I never complained like this. We still had maid service then. He would wake up at 11 am and eat and sleep at his will and I always thought I should not bother him since he was already tensed being out of job.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Ok,You don't like cleaning?

    Keeping house dirty is very unhealthy for everyone in the house.If you don't like house cleaning then why do you need your husband permission.Silently call the guys and clean the house and pay them.
    That't it.Don't look for his permission.Until you find job atleast sometimes you make up and delay the cleaners for sometime and again call them.Just reduce the times you would normally call the cleaners.
     
  3. Molly37

    Molly37 New IL'ite

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    Priya, My husband will know if I call the cleaners and start saying I am wasting money and what are you doing at home even if you can't do this?
     
  4. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Molly,

    My advise,get up home and get out of the house and do some exercise or spend whever you like and you come back home and you feel energetic.I think first you need to start go out and you may feel interesting to start some cleaning.
    WE both work but we feel it's unnessary to spend on cleaners.It's not very heavy duty work ,it's just simple if we fallow the timings.
    We have all kind of things available here to clean the house in very minimal time.You start may be your husband will give you hand who knows.But it's not good to keep the house like that and kids especially in the winter season and all kind of bacteria would develop or talk to your husband nicely and tell you would cleaners this time and from next time plan one thing every week that's why things in place.
    First get up and go out.
     
  5. Molly37

    Molly37 New IL'ite

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    He has this attitude of 'my money', 'your money' only because I am a working lady. He said so many times he preferred non-working to working ladies.
    We have our own bank accounts and he tells me all his finance info but hardly ever hears mine or advises me. He does not care for my salary though I make only 10% less than him. Even for kids he will never use my medical insurance from my company. It is always how he invested in so and so share and how he profited or lost how much. If I tell him about my things he just waits till I finish up. His plans will also be as if he is the only earning member here and mine is negligible. His finances are all like that.
    Isn't he more arrogant? Tell me very frankly.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    You know after reading ,I felt it's really cool.Then what is the worry.Use your money and call the cleaners,just kidding :)
    I am not sure what made him to behave that way.But I feel being repsonsable is always good thing and your money can keep in safe side for any emergency and keep up your husband attitude that way you guys won't over spend.If he really wanted you to clean the house then do it.
    I see in your husband as a responsable person and don't worry on what he talks.Keep your money in safe side and you know having money is always much safer than no money.
    If you husband is reponsable all other ways,get up start cleaning one room each day and go for some movie. :cheers
    I know people who also use the wifes money and leave no savings back door.
     
  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Molly, Some housewives have thankless jobs. Very rarely we are acknowledged for what we do.That being said , your husband shud be supportive.
    I have a formula I use for such situations. I dont work. Up until an yr ago, I used to clean the house regularly myself. That was from the time I came here. (6 yrs). When my husband took it for granted, I point blank started hiring a cleaning service once in 20 days.In b/n cleaning I do. Now my husband realizes that house cleaning is not an easy job and himself justifies what I do.
    You need to put your foot down and hire a cleaning service. Meanwhile small cleaning you can attempt to do it yourself. I do the small cleaning myself and let the cleaning crew do the major cleaning.
    If you have worked for so long, dont stress over such small issues . Instead try to find a job asap. It looks like both you and your husband are stressed due to this and are taking potshots at each other. Bend a little but also take a little. Do small cleaning but major cleaning have a cleaning service.Thats the motto I have for myself. Try it. It works wonders. Good Luck.
     
  8. Molly37

    Molly37 New IL'ite

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    Priya, Thank you so much for your quick responses.
    Yeah, He is responsible with kids and other matters of the household. I can say that. But what bothers me is he does not give importance to my working or not. I will tell you one incident to make it clear. After I got laid off I called him and told him the news. I came to know of this in advance with the things going on because our company was in the verge of shutting down. But I did not reveal this to dh. When I gave the news one day, what do you expect the reaction??
    But the case here is JUST COOL! It does not bother him at all. He said 'oh!, ok I am sorry to hear that. I have a meeting now so I have to leave'.
    Even in the night he did not mention that. He does not bother AT ALL!!

    On the other had when he was laid off, I made sure he was not offended by what I said. I cared more for him those days. I tried to keep him happy always.

    But now, this man does not bother about me. I have been laid off, first time after 10yrs and isn't it a SHOCK for some one. I don't need him to sit by me and console me or shed a tear for me but how can he remain COOL like that?
    Am I missing something? Please tell me if I am wrong. Feel free as I am open to any thing from your guys here.
     
  9. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    My understand being Man of the house is difficult and also being house of the women(especally after the kids) also difficult.Both have tremendous responsabilities to run the famly.They constanty keep up with there jobs and women expected constantly feed the people with good food.
    So I beleive he kept zero expectaions on you in the financial front.
    May be he strongly like to have house wife,he might have some reasons.May be his mother working and he might missed the mother and many reasons and at the same time he would give you support while working.That's what I understand from your posts since I don't know both of you.
    But in any case,I beleie there is no negativity any where in your marraige.So keep positive attitude (because his thinking will not harm any way your family,ofcourse it will depress you little bit but express your view to him positively)and continue to be up and have a happy family.
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2010
  10. Foundlove

    Foundlove Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Molly,

    I know you are going through a streesful time. As a good friend my advice is don't expect your husband to be sympathetic because I think that is his nature...

    Lets try to understand and resolve your cleaning issue. I know the task looks herculean because it has accumulated for so long.Lets take it one step at a time.
    • Fix a small problem first.Don't clean the entire bathroom in one day but maybe just the tub.Throw out the old shower curtain and get a new one...buy this from your money.
    • Next day clean the sink.
    • Third day vaccum the bathroom and adjoining area.
    Start with this. Don't nag hubby because he will not understand you. Once you got a few things under control hire cleaners once a month.

    I know I have been there. Trust me it will get better..don't expect anyone to understand you.

    Good Luck.Keep us posted.
     

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