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Tell me how to adjust with husband, need advice....

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ramyau, Mar 13, 2010.

  1. ramyau

    ramyau New IL'ite

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    Hi friends, i was a silent reader in this form.....i am not sure its a big problem or not, pls ladies advice me....

    I am married for 5 Yrs ( in this may it will be 5 ) & have 2.5 yrs old boy & mine was arrange marrage. Even i have some in laws problem but my main problem is my hubby will not talk much...
    From the day i got engaged we used to talk only for 10 min..after our marriage he was not tell me any think about his life or his house, he used to come home at 7.30 in evening & go to gym & back home at 9.30pm
    have dinner & sleep no talk at all...I thought we both need some time so even i was silent....After 1 yrs of marriage we came to US, i was very happy has i thought at least now we can live happily...
    But the problem was he was not sharing any of this feelings...he is a very very short temper & gets angry very soon....In US after comming from office he sits on his laptop, if i talk he will not even respons & if i ask y u r not talking or not telling any thing to me, he used to say that i am like this... but when ever he will be with friends he enjoys , talk , discuss the matter nicely, but with me he never discuss any thing....we use to have fright for this issues many times...
    I thought he may chang little, but no... till now we have never discussed about our futur or about our sons future. Now a days i should ask him 4 to 5 then he will answer ...i am becoming mad day by day, i feel very lonely....he will not even looks after his son when i am cooking....he tells i can't look after him...
    Friends tell me is this the way husband behave with wifes .... how to change myself ...or how to behave with him....if i start advicing him, he tell not to irritate & not to shout....when ever he ask me any thing & if i did not answer at that moment & ask what he will get angry & stops talking to me....i am getting depressed...
    pls ladies help me in this issue...advise how to live with his type of guy....

    ramya
     
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  2. Bethany

    Bethany New IL'ite

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    Hello Ramya,

    It may not be a big problem if it is from everyones point of view, when you are getting depressed. day by day.. It is a very BIG problem for you I feel.
    I saw many people behaving in such a way, As they feel like they want everything under husbands control about job, career, future etc. They feel like they should not listen wifes words and keep them always under their control so that they will nodd their head for each and everything.

    Here in your case your husband does not talk to you much, so this shows he is not bothered to discuss with you at all.. ( This is because he may have some friends who is thinking in the same way as him) so that he will be discussing with them rather than you. They will always think in the same way and discuss teh happenings and guiding each other. Let me know is that the case??? if not just be patient and wait for the time.. when he is in good mood tell him politely how are his friends and everyone outside, thinking about their kids future.. Tell him like you will also have similar thoughts like any other women, like spending goodtime with husband, thinking about future, future of the kid etc. You should make him understand in such a way that you should have feelings and your feelings are important and your suggestions are also important as his ideas.

    So once he starts giving respect to your feelings, he will automatically share his thoughts, ideas etc as he is doing with his friends now..

    Rather than worrying try to explain him in a polite way showing some examples how others are, Dont blame him. he will think in a negative way that you are dominating gim, tell him its good to share our feelings.I agree friends are important..but Tell him wife is the important person than anyone. one fine day definetely he will think about you I am sure..

    All the best... stop worrying and try to change him..
     
    orion80 likes this.
  3. lakshmiv7

    lakshmiv7 New IL'ite

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    hi

    i read above reply for your question... i was very impressed by the answer...

    but i will suggest one more way to change your husband... don't bother him any more for one month... behave same way as he behaves with you...

    dont talk with him freely.... in front of him talk with your friends in a jovial manner...

    dont discuss any thing with your husband... i think one day he will realize and discuss with you everything...

    all the best...
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Ramyau, some people have dual personalities, the reason they are nice to others outside is to show their good face and charming personality, at home they are opposite, this causes confusion in minds of people who are stable whether they meet outsiders or at home, in fact a person would be more open and frank at home, but every relationship will have its own dynamic, the reason he does not talk is the reason why he gets angry, because he keeps his frustration within, if he had bad day he will not talk, if he has issues with you he wont talk, the frustration will keep building within him and one day or other he will vent out , he may also become very aggresive and violent, people like these dont know what they do in anger, they have no control on their mind.

    You will see some days he will be happy more than usual and be nice to you but in general most of the times he would behave as you described in your OP

    He has Control problem, he wants to control you by his mind and behavior

    No matter what you will try to do, he will not allow you to change himself, he may find it hard that you are trying to woo him too when he wants to keep a distance.. This situation is dangerous, its a personality problem or some sought of disorder, it can change through self introspection or some sought of therepy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2010
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Ramya

    I dont want to sound hopeless..But one thing I can tell you is...you cannot change a person overnight and some people..you cannot change them at all..either we try to live with it or build our lives around it. Usually some of the husbands change after marriage, some change after having kids...and if this change didnt come after 5 yrs of marriage...you have to either accept the way he is and STOP expecting him to share things with you or ask him to come to a therapist along with you (this would surely make him more wild..as such people wont accept that something is wrong with them)

    Might be ask him some open questions like why he feels he cant share / discuss things with you?

    Why he prefers his friends over you to discuss your future planning?

    Does he feel you hvae nothing to contribute or no knowledge about what he is talking?

    See his responses..

    Also from your side, try to read some material on finances, planning, saving etc and just strike a conversation with him on what you read and ask him doubts n queries ...see if he comes around to discuss...however again pls dont get disheartened if things dont change in coupleof weeks/months..it does take lot of time for such people to come around and you have to be patient even if they dont come around.
     
  6. Sangidesigner

    Sangidesigner New IL'ite

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    Ramya,
    I also have a husband who was just very similar and he has changed now. My suggestion is find this book called : MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. This book will change your outlook. You situation can be changed. Slowly try to follow some of the steps in the book you will understand and can also relate to it and trust me things will change so did my husband . but it did take a while. Some where along the line he will see some change in you at that time tell him how you feel and may be ask him to read the book too.
    If you can find try to read this book called " The five love languages by Gary Chapman"
    Try it.....
    Good Luck!
     
  7. Tara09

    Tara09 New IL'ite

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    For me it looks like plain indifference towards wife and her feelings and opinions.
    So, for some days try this out and see. You go out and make friends, make a group for yourself. He needs to feel that you are not bothered by this behavior of his.
    The more you try to cling to him the more he will feel you are in his control and he will ignore you. Just ignore him for some days/weeks/a month or two and see the difference. Don't ask him about anything.
    In the mean time, take up a hobby, go for a job/volunteering and keep yourself busy. Some men are hard nuts to crack.

    If all this does not work then seriously tell him he needs to see a therapist and you will accompany him if needed. Tell him sternly you cannot put up with this attitude of his. But keep this warning as the last option.

    Good luck
    Tara
     
  8. Tridev

    Tridev Silver IL'ite

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    Is there a book that will change Women too? or this one works both ways.
    The inherent personality is hard to change , because the person who has that personality sees himself or herself very normal, the % of people who can change themselves are in minicule. Most of the times its not possible...I am talking on basic personality let say someone who is not sensitive at all, its not possible to change it to sensitive, behavior can change though with practice to some extent.

     
  9. Sangidesigner

    Sangidesigner New IL'ite

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  10. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Ramya,
    IMO you should build your own friend circle, your own schedule of how to spend a day.. I dont know the exact cause but i have seen men who need a lot of space around them.. They dont like clingy women.. Your husband seems to be of that type.. He has his own world and he expects you also to be like him.. As in dont cling onto him.. Give him his space and have your own space..

    Girl, plz accept your husband the way he is!!.. There is nothing wrong with him to get depressed.. Most Men dont share feelings like women do.. To survive in a corporate world people have to work even after coming home.. It is a tough world out there.. So he might be on laptop after work..
    Some people prefer to stay quiet to unwind after work (I belong to that category).. May be he feels better that way.. Since you are forcing him to share his feelings and talk to you he is getting annoyed..

    If at all you want to discuss, i think weekend is the best time.. Dont pester too much as it might not yield desired results..
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2010

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