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Teen Nephew's question abt having Girlfriend

Discussion in 'Schoolgoers & Teens' started by maggi99, Dec 20, 2009.

  1. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi friends, I have a nephew (sis's son) who is now 17yrs and doing his 11th. Me and he have an age diff of jst 10yrs therefore he calls me sis instead of aunt or mousi...

    He is an Athlete who has won many many medals in school and also in district and state level. Sports is his passion and average student in studies. He studied in a co-ed convent, now joined in a new college for his 11th (PUC). Today he pingd me and said he wanted to ask me something and the conversation went on like this :Nephew: ill tell sometin u should not tell momme: no no tell me
    Nephew: is it ok to have girl friends
    me: yes, its absolutely fine to have girls as friend...
    Nephew: not like that
    me: then !
    nephew: is it ok to go out wid them and all
    me: yes its fine.. there is no harm...

    till the time u dnt get some ill thoughts abt the girl or till the time u dnt get physical... then its all fine
    its just that u like a girl (for what ever reason)
    nephew: come on im not that cheap
    me: no dear... its not being cheap
    its just a thing tat happens in this age nd its nt being cheap
    nephew: cause i really like tis girl and i just wanted to ask u
    i dont have any1 else to talk to abt tis...
    me: i am fine in u speaking with me...
    nephew: dont tell mom
    me: Sure not... its a delicate thing, i will nt discuss with ur mom or anyone else
    nephew: thanx
    me: ok when u say u like her... there will be lots of reasons... why do u like her
    nephew: she looks gud
    me: ok and
    nephew: and i like her attitude
    me: ok... does she also like u
    nephew: i havent asked her yet
    me: ok, now see... see when u say u like her... then its different kind of feeling that u hv for her
    than u have for other girls in ur class or wherever, isint !

    nephew: yame: ok... u might say to her abt ur feeling, then if she also likes u then ok.. u guys will hang out go for restaurant, or icecream parlors or movies.... what next !

    nephew: i dont know, i hvnt thought abt it.me: haan... just give a wider thought... what next... when there is a yes from her side...
    your feeling during this age is quite usual dear.. if u say she will be jst ur best friend then ok..
    nephew: wat do mean
    me: it shd not happen u hang around for an yr or two and then leave...
    nephew: i know that
    me: so think abt it... dnt go and say anything to the girl...
    take time...

    Now how do i handle this. What should i tell, my nephew. How do i make him understand... i am breaking my head from morning
    Abt me : I live in europe and therefore its only chat or calls. He got this confidence of spking to me as i was spking to him abt certain stuff of my married life when we both went out during my last india visit... His mom (my sis) wd be shattered if she even has a clue of her son doing like this.
     
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  2. tikka

    tikka Gold IL'ite

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    Maggi, you are handling beautifully. You are telling him to be respectful of a girl who can possibly be his girlfriend. It is a good thing you are assuring him what he feels for this girl is the natural part of growing up.
    I believe that teenagers can't practice abstinence if they do not know the consequences. I think you should talk to your nephew about giving their relationship a good chance to build before they think about sex and talk about safe sex. Yes, his mother and father should have been the ones doing it, but a well-informed and concerned aunt is a great, safe source.
    IMO, your nephew is very young to think about "what next", if by what next you mean marraige. I know of people who met each other in school, but stayed together through college, through post grad and married when they were ready for it at 25 years. But it takes support from the family and a mature head on shoulders that your nephew seems to have. Probably, you need to find out more about the girl and see how the "fessing up" goes and guide your nephew. On the whole, I think you did great. I really happy to know there are young men like your nephew who treat women with respect.
     
  3. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    First of all Thanks Tikka.... am happy to see a response. Only thoughts abt my nephew has occupied me all the time from yest...

    He is a good guy no doubt but my fear here is if he gets into such thoughts / activity of going around with a girl then he wd be doomed in his studies. As he is a student who studies just during exams and hook or crook manages to get above 70%. As he is always into sports and he keeps attending one or the other tournament every month and he puts in many hours of practice every day after and before his college Studies is not his priority. With a girl around he might not think of studies also.

    I had been seeing him as a small child till my marriage (2yrs ago) but nw suddenly so much of change.
    Now getting physical and all is a far of thing for him, but seeing the youngsters here in europe where they do everything when they are jst 14yrs itself - not knowing what my nephew wd say further i put in those words first in my chat.

    If he spks to the girl and says NO then this episode is over there... but I am not sure if its a good idea to tell him to spk to the girl abt what he feels.

    Is there anyway that I can tell him something wherein he gets out of such thoughts and concentrate on studies for few yrs. (i dnt want to say NO dnt spk to the girl, as he might stop telling me as to whats happening) :bonk. One more worry is this wd affect the girl also in her studies.

    Its totally ruled out that his parents wd handle this any better as I know how they paniced and messed up when I was going thru such phase as my nephew. My sis is gonna shout at him and spoil her health (sure) and his dad wd start spying on him from morning till night.
     
  4. Vishalini3

    Vishalini3 Silver IL'ite

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    Maggi, Its heartwarming to read that a young chap has a family member like you as a confidant. Normally, guys seek/discuss such issues with their peers and end up spoiling their studies and ambitions.

    May be you can tell him like - "even if you like the girl, be it any girl, first you got to think about yourself - what am I going to be? When will I become financially self-managing guy? What is the plan to achieve that? If he is going to take up sports as a career, even then his bachelors degree is very much necessary. Lot of personality development, communication development are in line. When will I achieve all this - interms of no.of yrs? When he has answered all this, his mind would have got diverted a little bit. Then you ask him, so what do you think? Which is wise? Asking for the girl now or after you achieve all this and become an all eligible bachelor?? Tell him girls dont like 'boys', but prefer 'Men'!!! (Heard this dialogue in some Cinema:biglaugh,but I have used this to a couple of teens and it has worked:thumbsup)

    I think, always we got to handle teens thru Qs and help them to get the right Answers. But the answer or the conclusion should come from their mind/head. If you happen to say the same thing, that wud be ADVICE and no thought-process in them.

    Wud post if I get some more ideas :thumbsup
     
  5. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    Ponlatha, thank you for your reply.

    I find making him think by asking questions is a good idea. I will do this..

    The words, girl prefer men than boys shd work well... However he is a very handsome guy i cud say (many of my colleagues hv also said) very fair, slim and tall and has a polished look. So somewhere in the corner he wd be confident that he is no way less.

    Friends, looking forward for more inputs.
     
  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    <o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" name="City"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:eek:ffice:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id=ieooui></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> Well Krithika has given great pointers here.
    Ponlatha, statement I love it.

    I am happy for your nephew that he has a great aunt, with whom he has the rapport and comfort zone. I feel, you sister needs to be told that her son is growing up and she just needs to be there for him. otherwise, she will be in for rude awakening seeing her son dating if he does, since he is in PUC Ist and I assume this is <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Bombay</st1:place></st1:city> we are discussing. You need to do this without breaking your promise to your nephew too. A tricky situation I would say.

    maggi, as a mother of a teenage daughter and a preteen son, I was mulling over this. Believe me, I was putting myself in your shoes and thinking what I would do, if my son came to me with the same question.

    Now coming to your nephew and girlfriends, from your chat it looks he understands the difference between a friend and a girlfriend. And the peer pressure around is another factor that must be instrumental too. He is looking at you for pointers and approval. He is not asking about marriage, I am sure that is not in his list of priorities at this point.

    Talk to him about first crushes, they can be encouraging or disappointing. He needs to think smart and straight before he talks to her about going out.

    Educational Goals : What are his future plans. What are his plans about the sports and studies. Emphasise that if he is more interested in making a career out of sports, he needs his 100% into it. Would he be happy if his concentration levels go down because of his dating. Is he sure of balancing both. If so how??

    Reason for choosing the girl : Do you think, since he is handsome, a sportperson, he thinks he needs to have a girlfriend.If not, then is the girl one of his friends, already in the group of friends he has, and why he suddenly feels more for the girl. Is the girl a point of discussion within his friends. Will the girl reciprocate? What does he want to do if the girl also likes? (silly question ).

    Dating : Ok, now we know he is serious, he wants to date. So what does he know about dating. It is not something that is like in the movies that he sees, a first kiss or a little necking in the sofa (all this is what is shown in most of these teenflix these days.). It means you are getting approval from the girl’s parents, and your parents (at this age I think both set of parents need to know that these kids are dating). Being open and honest with the parents helps a lot in the long run. In case of any problems they are going to be the support. A hanging out at a coffee shop, a movie is fine. But I would emphasise on being at public places, in a group initially rather on a one to one dating.

    Being responsible, be it a relationship or sex is another aspect you need to discuss. It is better when the advice and the reasons come from a parent/aunt than when it comes from other friends who may have misleading/misguiding information.

    Will join the discussion again..
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2009
  7. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Maggiiiiiiiiii.. this is sending chilling waves across my body with a 1 mnth fresh incident to my 1st cousin & my aunt.

    Boy - 17 yrs.. Gal - 24 yrs (my aunt's employee) ... ended up into something that needed them to rush into a marriage.. i guess its inevitable when boy & gal keep meeting in the world today. He had to appear for first semester exams when all this happened... he refused to study & began a high profile drama of emotional outbursts for each & every member involved. When there's a peer pressure to have GFs there's also peer pressure to do something more... now when married ppl end up unplanned even with various protections.. then these shall be no exception.

    Aunt- was slightly aware of whts gng on under her nose.. but had no guts to tell her DH given how hell of a man he's.

    Uncle- Came to know of all.. blasted everybody to core... packed their bags... fired a lot of employees.. turned everybody's life upside down. Declared marriage is no where in scene & shall be on his dead body cos he knows who's best for his son... & esp not this lady in Q.

    Pls stay clear of these talks... now if my closest relative shared anything of this sort to me.. I shall inform thy parents....

    Also.. thanks for ponting to this thread... am really scared of all these GFs & BF business now... since the dust is yet to settle in their home & the mother and son had to stay in a hotel for a while.
     
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2009
  8. Vishalini3

    Vishalini3 Silver IL'ite

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    Yes, I second Shanvy, teens look for mere approval, but they are never into next stage serious thoughts. They just want some family member or friends to approve it and they feel great that way :)
    I have some teen cousins, both girls and boys and whether I want it or not, am pushed by my aunts to talk to them on girlfriend/boyfriend issues. Mine is an inter-caste wedding, i chose the guy. Hence, all the cousins already have a pre-concieved +ve thought that am anytime "FOR IT", that gives them the comfort zone to discuss things. Where as, their own parents, cousins think they wud certainly be "AGAINST IT" and this thought impedes them from discussing with parents.

    You can have a casual talk with sis on various other topics and inbetween, you tell her a story that some XXX friend had their son doing like this... you came to know and were discussing, etc... Tell her many other parents think that its normal to have GFs, but advice teens about their future and career at present. This wud help her indirectly, she wud get the point and your promise to ur nephew is intact :thumbsup

    And yes, as Shanvy says, hanging out as a group is anytime good. If they end up 1-1, things may go emotional. Its coz of their age, nothing wrong. I tell the same to my cousins. Though you are feeling more for a girl, if you feel that you can ask for her later, after building up your education and career, just hang out with a group, including her. That way you are saved of getting into a tricky emotional corner. I was clueless whether my cousin wud get me right, but he did understand this :))

    If we think what all ways they both communicate, hanging out, sms, phone calls, email, chat... Phone calls, off late, my aunts too have started talking to my cousins' GFs :)) That way cousins get a +ve feel at home. Sms, emails, chat - we cant do anything, this is purely 1-1. My cousin got close with a girl only thru emails and chat. But since the comp is in the living room, not in his room, he has limited access in the nights. Offcourse he goes to netcenters, but night-chats, night-sms are disastrous for teens, rather than day-chats. I know this first hand from my cousin's case. Ask out all this to him, always in an approval tone. Never in a disapproval tone.

    But I got to tell you, you are handling it really well :thumbsup
     
  9. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Maggi, I saw your appeal in the other thread for certain ILites to come forward with inputs. I appreciate your acknowledgement of my previous posts.

    I don't know of I have anything of value to say on this forum about this issue, though, because I grew up in a culture that sees dating differently (judging from the responses to this thread so far). Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with teenagers seeing each other, even in "one-on-one" relationships.

    In my experience, dating and relationships need not necessarily distract from studies, and it is possible to maintain a balance between romantic relationships, school, part-time jobs, family life, etc. With the proper familial support, love, and advice (which you are providing to your nephew, it seems - he is lucky to have you in his life), teenagers can thrive even with (and sometimes, because of) fledgling romances. I know this from my own experiences, those of family and friends, and having been a high-school teacher.

    It is also a good way for youngsters to develop healthy opposite-sex relationship dynamics that will serve them well later in life, when the time comes to settle down and choose a life partner. However, if teenagers are made to feel that romantic feelings for members of the opposite sex are shameful, wrong, or sinful, then what is a normal psychological, emotional, and physical phenomenon can become stressful, highly charged and problematic.

    As I said, though, the cultural context is of great importance here. I can't really advise about or make sense of traditional Indian attitudes to this issue, since I don't have much experience in that context. Additionally, as other posters have pointed out, you are in a difficult position, since you have to keep this secret from the boy's parents. You have to mediate between your own personal beliefs, what you know his parents would want of him, and also take into account his own welfare and needs. All in all, a tricky situation.

    I'm sorry I can't be of any help. You are doing the right thing by providing a safe and sensible sounding board for your nephew, since it seems he cannot turn to his parents. Good luck!
     
  10. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks to all of you for your replies.

    Update : I had a chat with him today and got to know that he knows the girl just for a couple of weeks now and she comes for sports practice and is from another college nd she is also interested in sports... Till now they hav been chatting on SMS only. And now he has just thought of impressing the girl and then later telling her.

    I said if you hav a girlfriend then u need to spend on lots of gifts and all how would you manage abt which he said even he is worried of... however that many other friends also have girlfriends and that even girls know the stituations of boys they wd understand.

    Shanvy : Next i said friends who hav girlfriends sms / hang around what else do they do... for which he said that most of them are in friends circle therefore all chat in group or hang around in group. (This is in bangalore not mumbai)

    I told him that there wd be issues if the girl's parents get to know... so be ready to face... for which he confidently said that if i can impress the girl i can impress her parents (kiddish) and he wd figure it out how to handle later... and also if his parents get to know he wd figure it out how to handle. I told him to think of all these aspects as well.

    ShilpaMa
    - The incident you have mentioned is real scary... 17yrs and 24yrs huh... god

    Vishalini : I had a casual talk with my sis today amidst which i said to her to let her son and daugher (in class 6) get their friends home so that my sis knows abt the friend's circle (be it girls or boys) and to be friendly and not shout at them for anything but anything has to be handled by discussing.

    Anusuya : Thank you for your reply...
    -----
    I hav told my nephew that most of the girl's parents whatever educated or rich they are wd not take it in a right sense if the get to know that thier girl has a girl friend. And looks like he is not so much bothered abt all these issue at this point in time.

    In my family Love and having GF / girls having BF is a Taboo and it wd just create panic and people get tooo emotional without even reasoning when they get to know. Dating is an unknown word for all (my parents and my sis too) :spin
     

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