Teen Nephew's question abt having Girlfriend

Maggi, you are handling beautifully. You are telling him to be respectful of a girl who can possibly be his girlfriend. It is a good thing you are assuring him what he feels for this girl is the natural part of growing up.
I believe that teenagers can't practice abstinence if they do not know the consequences. I think you should talk to your nephew about giving their relationship a good chance to build before they think about sex and talk about safe sex. Yes, his mother and father should have been the ones doing it, but a well-informed and concerned aunt is a great, safe source.
IMO, your nephew is very young to think about "what next", if by what next you mean marraige. I know of people who met each other in school, but stayed together through college, through post grad and married when they were ready for it at 25 years. But it takes support from the family and a mature head on shoulders that your nephew seems to have. Probably, you need to find out more about the girl and see how the "fessing up" goes and guide your nephew. On the whole, I think you did great. I really happy to know there are young men like your nephew who treat women with respect.

 

Maggi, Its heartwarming to read that a young chap has a family member like you as a confidant. Normally, guys seek/discuss such issues with their peers and end up spoiling their studies and ambitions.

May be you can tell him like - "even if you like the girl, be it any girl, first you got to think about yourself - what am I going to be? When will I become financially self-managing guy? What is the plan to achieve that? If he is going to take up sports as a career, even then his bachelors degree is very much necessary. Lot of personality development, communication development are in line. When will I achieve all this - interms of no.of yrs? When he has answered all this, his mind would have got diverted a little bit. Then you ask him, so what do you think? Which is wise? Asking for the girl now or after you achieve all this and become an all eligible bachelor?? Tell him girls dont like 'boys', but prefer 'Men'!!! (Heard this dialogue in some Cinema:biglaugh,but I have used this to a couple of teens and it has worked:thumbsup)

I think, always we got to handle teens thru Qs and help them to get the right Answers. But the answer or the conclusion should come from their mind/head. If you happen to say the same thing, that wud be ADVICE and no thought-process in them.

Wud post if I get some more ideas :thumbsup

 

<o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" name="City"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <wunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <wontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id=ieooui></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> Well Krithika has given great pointers here.
Ponlatha, statement I love it.

I am happy for your nephew that he has a great aunt, with whom he has the rapport and comfort zone. I feel, you sister needs to be told that her son is growing up and she just needs to be there for him. otherwise, she will be in for rude awakening seeing her son dating if he does, since he is in PUC Ist and I assume this is <st1:city w:st="on"><st1lace w:st="on">Bombay</st1lace></st1:city> we are discussing. You need to do this without breaking your promise to your nephew too. A tricky situation I would say.

maggi, as a mother of a teenage daughter and a preteen son, I was mulling over this. Believe me, I was putting myself in your shoes and thinking what I would do, if my son came to me with the same question.

Now coming to your nephew and girlfriends, from your chat it looks he understands the difference between a friend and a girlfriend. And the peer pressure around is another factor that must be instrumental too. He is looking at you for pointers and approval. He is not asking about marriage, I am sure that is not in his list of priorities at this point.

Talk to him about first crushes, they can be encouraging or disappointing. He needs to think smart and straight before he talks to her about going out.

Educational Goals : What are his future plans. What are his plans about the sports and studies. Emphasise that if he is more interested in making a career out of sports, he needs his 100% into it. Would he be happy if his concentration levels go down because of his dating. Is he sure of balancing both. If so how??

Reason for choosing the girl : Do you think, since he is handsome, a sportperson, he thinks he needs to have a girlfriend.If not, then is the girl one of his friends, already in the group of friends he has, and why he suddenly feels more for the girl. Is the girl a point of discussion within his friends. Will the girl reciprocate? What does he want to do if the girl also likes? (silly question ).

Dating : Ok, now we know he is serious, he wants to date. So what does he know about dating. It is not something that is like in the movies that he sees, a first kiss or a little necking in the sofa (all this is what is shown in most of these teenflix these days.). It means you are getting approval from the girl’s parents, and your parents (at this age I think both set of parents need to know that these kids are dating). Being open and honest with the parents helps a lot in the long run. In case of any problems they are going to be the support. A hanging out at a coffee shop, a movie is fine. But I would emphasise on being at public places, in a group initially rather on a one to one dating.

Being responsible, be it a relationship or sex is another aspect you need to discuss. It is better when the advice and the reasons come from a parent/aunt than when it comes from other friends who may have misleading/misguiding information.

Will join the discussion again..

 

Maggiiiiiiiiii.. this is sending chilling waves across my body with a 1 mnth fresh incident to my 1st cousin & my aunt.

Boy - 17 yrs.. Gal - 24 yrs (my aunt's employee) ... ended up into something that needed them to rush into a marriage.. i guess its inevitable when boy & gal keep meeting in the world today. He had to appear for first semester exams when all this happened... he refused to study & began a high profile drama of emotional outbursts for each & every member involved. When there's a peer pressure to have GFs there's also peer pressure to do something more... now when married ppl end up unplanned even with various protections.. then these shall be no exception.

Aunt- was slightly aware of whts gng on under her nose.. but had no guts to tell her DH given how hell of a man he's.

Uncle- Came to know of all.. blasted everybody to core... packed their bags... fired a lot of employees.. turned everybody's life upside down. Declared marriage is no where in scene & shall be on his dead body cos he knows who's best for his son... & esp not this lady in Q.

Pls stay clear of these talks... now if my closest relative shared anything of this sort to me.. I shall inform thy parents....

Also.. thanks for ponting to this thread... am really scared of all these GFs & BF business now... since the dust is yet to settle in their home & the mother and son had to stay in a hotel for a while.

 

Yes, I second Shanvy, teens look for mere approval, but they are never into next stage serious thoughts. They just want some family member or friends to approve it and they feel great that way
I have some teen cousins, both girls and boys and whether I want it or not, am pushed by my aunts to talk to them on girlfriend/boyfriend issues. Mine is an inter-caste wedding, i chose the guy. Hence, all the cousins already have a pre-concieved +ve thought that am anytime "FOR IT", that gives them the comfort zone to discuss things. Where as, their own parents, cousins think they wud certainly be "AGAINST IT" and this thought impedes them from discussing with parents.

You can have a casual talk with sis on various other topics and inbetween, you tell her a story that some XXX friend had their son doing like this... you came to know and were discussing, etc... Tell her many other parents think that its normal to have GFs, but advice teens about their future and career at present. This wud help her indirectly, she wud get the point and your promise to ur nephew is intact :thumbsup

And yes, as Shanvy says, hanging out as a group is anytime good. If they end up 1-1, things may go emotional. Its coz of their age, nothing wrong. I tell the same to my cousins. Though you are feeling more for a girl, if you feel that you can ask for her later, after building up your education and career, just hang out with a group, including her. That way you are saved of getting into a tricky emotional corner. I was clueless whether my cousin wud get me right, but he did understand this )

If we think what all ways they both communicate, hanging out, sms, phone calls, email, chat... Phone calls, off late, my aunts too have started talking to my cousins' GFs ) That way cousins get a +ve feel at home. Sms, emails, chat - we cant do anything, this is purely 1-1. My cousin got close with a girl only thru emails and chat. But since the comp is in the living room, not in his room, he has limited access in the nights. Offcourse he goes to netcenters, but night-chats, night-sms are disastrous for teens, rather than day-chats. I know this first hand from my cousin's case. Ask out all this to him, always in an approval tone. Never in a disapproval tone.

But I got to tell you, you are handling it really well :thumbsup

 

Maggi, I saw your appeal in the other thread for certain ILites to come forward with inputs. I appreciate your acknowledgement of my previous posts.

I don't know of I have anything of value to say on this forum about this issue, though, because I grew up in a culture that sees dating differently (judging from the responses to this thread so far). Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with teenagers seeing each other, even in "one-on-one" relationships.

In my experience, dating and relationships need not necessarily distract from studies, and it is possible to maintain a balance between romantic relationships, school, part-time jobs, family life, etc. With the proper familial support, love, and advice (which you are providing to your nephew, it seems - he is lucky to have you in his life), teenagers can thrive even with (and sometimes, because of) fledgling romances. I know this from my own experiences, those of family and friends, and having been a high-school teacher.

It is also a good way for youngsters to develop healthy opposite-sex relationship dynamics that will serve them well later in life, when the time comes to settle down and choose a life partner. However, if teenagers are made to feel that romantic feelings for members of the opposite sex are shameful, wrong, or sinful, then what is a normal psychological, emotional, and physical phenomenon can become stressful, highly charged and problematic.

As I said, though, the cultural context is of great importance here. I can't really advise about or make sense of traditional Indian attitudes to this issue, since I don't have much experience in that context. Additionally, as other posters have pointed out, you are in a difficult position, since you have to keep this secret from the boy's parents. You have to mediate between your own personal beliefs, what you know his parents would want of him, and also take into account his own welfare and needs. All in all, a tricky situation.

I'm sorry I can't be of any help. You are doing the right thing by providing a safe and sensible sounding board for your nephew, since it seems he cannot turn to his parents. Good luck!