Tears and Warning Bells Again - The Freedom Song

varalotti · Nov 15, 2006

I am making you jump the queue again!

Dear Usha,

(I have taken your words for granted and writing whatever comes to my mind, minus the apologies. But should at any time you feel the words are hurting, please insert a suitable apology on my behalf and then read.)

Now in the first part of the post you suggest a much harsher solution for Malathy. You say that she should have walked out on her father and should have lived independently. But, Madam, please tell me, would that not be at least 100 times harsher than the solution I have given?

At least in the solution I have given there is an excuse for her. She could say, "I am married, my husband is transferred to Chandigar and I want to go with him." But what would she say when she goes out alone? Again in spite of all the womens lib etc. do you think a woman, and that too a popular, rich and a beautiful woman could have lived a life of her own? Definitely not.

As Chitvish rightly pointed out Malathy was waiting for the right moment to make the move. There could not have been a better moment than marriage.

Yes, she has the right to break all the ties because her father had dominated her and virtually tried to break her mind and her personality. And to such a ruthless, heartless father, what Malathi has done can only be described as pretty mild.

Usha, God has given me the opportunity to see many people growing up. I have had the privilege of seeing how they were when they were under their parents' control and how they were when they went alone.
The classic case is that of my classmate, let's call him Sundaram. In my house there was only an overall limit within which we can be free. For example I need to tell my Dad if I would return later than 8 pm. But for that I can decide to study, to go to movie, to sleep or do whatever I like. I studied well in CA precisely because my Dad never ordered me once to study well. (I got all India's 5th rank in CA and 1st rank in ACS)
But Sundaram who lived next door had a different setting. His mother especially would dictate how many hours he should study in a day. I have seen his mother keeping a watch over him at 11 30 in the night. He would be dozing, but would not be allowed to sleep.
And he was not allowed to eat anything outside, let alone go to a movie. He was very religious and all.
And I saw him 5 years after he left Madurai. He was in IIT, Karaghpur. And he had come down for a holiday. I was shocked to see him smoking, drinking and doing everything.
That was a shock for his parents. His way of expressing his opposition to the domination not only hurt his parents more but also hurt him. Compared to that Malathi's action is a breeze.
I also do not believe in breaking homes or hearts. But if they are designed to break our minds and confines us, it is better we break them. A home should be the abode of living not the tomb of the dead.
Am I strong enough, Usha?
Please don't forget the implied apology.
regards,
sridhar

Varloo · Nov 15, 2006

Dear Sridhar,
First, let me say that your tory is very moving one, as usual. I can empathise with Malathy. There are so many people even now, being blackmailed emotionally by their family.
I am watching the discussion in this thread with much interest. Usha's comments are very strong and it makes one see the other side of the coin too.
I would like to give my mother's experience here. My father was born to my grandparents after many of their babies died immediately after birth. So he was very pampered, and brought up as a very obedient child. He did not have a mind of his own. After marriage, my grandparents never let my parents to even talk to each other, as was the practise those days. My father worked at Courtrallam and my mother had to stay with her in laws to take care of them and also other elders of the family. Then, my grandpa got transferred to Trivandrum from Thenkasi. My mother tried heer level best to persuade my father to continue working in Courtrallam and she also thought that then she could stay with my father and escape from the torture of her in laws. But, my grandparents terrorised my father saying that he will not be able to live with the salary he got from the hospital and he will be on the streets soon with his family. They also told him that my uncles would also take advantage of him. On this my father decided to move with them and after that he did not get any decent employment for many years. He was a mama's boy till her death and after that my mother had to take the reinns to run the family. Till last, he never expressed his wishes or talked anything about his feelings.
Actually, when he passed away in 2002, I really felt so sad that he never had the oppurtunity to live as he wanted and prayed to God that he gets a really good life in his next Janma.
It is not easy for a person brought up in a suppressed way to talk back. That person may be boiling inside but would not have courage to rebel.
Atleast Malathy took a good decision. Otherwise, her father might have dominated over Sethu also and made their life hell.
I would feel happy if more members posted their comments.

Eljaype · Nov 15, 2006

Varloo is right

Hi all of you,

What you said , Varloo , is right. When you have been suppressed for long , you can't come out of that. If you always look up at someone for all the decisions in your life, you keep doing it. When you suppress your emotions like that, oneday it turns you into a rebel.
I have also seen many people. I have also been like that but, maybe, not to that extent. I have told you all before. I do not want to repeat it again. Anyway, when our parents, when they bring us up they always think their way is the best for us. Whatever they couldn't do in their life , they try to impose on children. If the children does not feel like going for it, they shouldn't be compelled.
If I was in malathy's place I think I also would have rebelled at one time or the other. Maybe that's why I was able to change myself completely. Now I do not let anyone emotionally blackmail me..
Sridhar, I have seen people like Sundaram, your friend , rebelling against their parents. They do that just to spite their mother/ father. Sometimes I have done that too. When asked to sit and study, I used to have a novel inside my school book and read. I never read aloud , so amma would never find out. :tongue
Latha :wave

Preethi · Nov 15, 2006

To V's

Dear Varloo / Varalotti,

Varloo, Your parents story was really very touching and emotional. Your father must have really suffered inside for not able to be himself and as you rightly said, a person who had been suppressed right from their young age, won't have the strength to rebel their supressors, finally they will surrender themselves and find themselves being a puppet dancing to their supressors tune. It must have been hell for your mom too, to get along with such dominating in-laws and husband who could not go against them ! May the almighty give your dad a good life and fulfil all his unfulfilled desires atleast in his next birth.

Varalotti, to you now, am trying to analyse malathy a little deeper now. The point here is Malathy's inability to retaliate to her father's commanding peronsality could be due to her bringing up as a caged animal. Even if she had the heart to live on her own, her mind and physique were not controlled by her. She was living a life of a prisoner at her own home. She was a victim of Emotional Blackmail. Another reason she was forced to live that hell life was because she had no other place to go and to depend on, except her dad...She was all alone in her life. So, when he found a new relation entering her life, she went to sethu seeking help to let her escape from that jail. She found a new hope and courage in her life to fight against her father with a strong support beside her ! Upto this point, her feelings are genuine and she is right !

However, I still feel she must not ditch her father completely. Atleast thinking of his age and all the effort he took to make her a star, she can atleast distance herself from him, by not living with him (playing predominant role of a wife than a daughter), but be within his reach to attend to him when he needs her for emotional support. Afterall, as a father, his love for his daughter is not fake, We have to only question the dad's approach to decide his daughter's life but not his love for her ! But for him, Malathy wouldn't have enjoyed her celebrity status (if she had enjoyed even 1% of her stardom, then malathy owes that to her dad and cannot be ungrateful to him !). And Varalotti, if you tell me , Malathy did not enjoy her profession AT ALL, that's totally unacceptable, there is no truth in it !

Love,
Preethi

Vandhana · Nov 15, 2006

Dear Sridhar,

A very nice story. Have been following all the posts in this thread and I totally completely agree with Preethi that malathy must not ditch her father completely. I also agree that she chose to set herself free at the right moment . But i think she can convince her father of her decision . After all daughters usually can twirl their father around their fingers right?? ( i am talking from experiance!! ).

Ms C, your post script in the post is too good. i think nowadays it is the other way around. the groom enters the room with the Pal chombu in his hands!!

Vandhana

Chitvish · Nov 15, 2006

Me again, Sridhar !

I think, Malathy’s father will acce pt the daughter’s decision, though very reluctantly. He must be a very calculative, cunning man to have identified Sethu mainly because he had “ no strings attached” ! It is not as though Malathy wants to cut off from her father, but she wants to be freed from his authoritative clutches. Where does "ditching" come in ?

She has waited all these years, which speaks of her good nature and patience. Any day, this decision is bound to shock her father, but better early than late, perhaps ! Is she not mature enough to know her priorities after a stifling life just to please her father ? She has given more importance to his feelings than her own, all these years. Taken any time, this decision will hit her father hard. But any father will be gracious and understanding enough to accept his daughter’s priorities. Well, if he refuses to, it is his loss.

I personally feel the greatest gift you can give children is to let them take responsibility for themselves. That was where Malathy’s father made a mistake.

Love & regards,
Chithra.

Vandhana, who wants a pal sombu when he can pamper you with better and more exotic things like what I have mentioned ? Let the pal sombu be done away with, in the future ! Enough is enough !! Let him bring a rose bouquet, instead, in a beautiful decorative silver vase (for a sombu!). Let the "wooing" start in style from day one !

anjana · Nov 16, 2006

A good lesson for parents to learn,

Dear Sridhar,
That was a good story indeed, a lesson to be learned. I believe MJ bottled up all her emotions for whatever reason. Dad definitely did not give the freedom to decide and was also taking his daughter for granted[emotionally].
When someone has been supressed for this long this would be the end result. Now that she wants to move forward with her life partner who is very supportive I think she should go for it. Malathy really wants to fly high with the new given freedom[marriage].
But as mentioned by others my heart does not accept Malathy leaving her father alone at this old age. She had so much patience to bear with him all by herself now with Sethu by her side where is her patience Sridhar? At least she can take him to Chandigar and be his next door neighbour.
I don't believe in forcing children to do things that do not please them because they only build anger, aggression, and we loose our kids in that process. Thanks for the well written story Sridhar.
Your previous story[real life incident] I thought the same way he suppressed his feelings all along that is why he broke down in front of so many people. Probably he needed someone all along to give him a constant push.
Love,

varalotti · Nov 16, 2006

Thanks A Ton, Latha!

Dear Latha,

Thanks a ton for your kind words. I think probably moved by your and Preethi's post in the last thread, I should have thought of posting this story.

I must also apologise Latha for the delay in replying to your post. As Usha's was more agressive I chose to reply to that first.

Please decide which side you are going to be before the thread gets longer and longer with responses.

regards,
sridhar

varalotti · Nov 16, 2006

A Good Post, as usual, Preethi!

Dear Preethi,

As usual a brilliant analysis. But you should think with Malathi's battered mind and see her act with her deeply wounded heart.

Take it from me, Preethi, a child would even forgive parental neglect but it can never forgive its earliest desires being crushed by the parent.

Malathi is releasing the feelings pent-up in her mind for years, for ages. When you lift the shutters up and let the stored (read: pent-up) water in a dam go out, it will not and can not go in a gentle stream, it will not and cannot go softly in stages and doses; it will rush with all its force as if there is no tomorrow, as if there is no world outside it.

I would still respect Malathi for waiting till her marriage to "open the dam". Had she run away or even "walked out" on her father as Usha suggested, the damage would have been more and she would have also been hurt in the process.

regards,
Varalotti

varalotti · Nov 16, 2006

You are no doubt vehement, but vehemently right!

Dear Chitra,
What is happening in this thread is quite surprising and very touching. Preethi, a young girl, more closer in age to Malathi and than to her father, says that Malathi should not have taken such a drastic decision. Usha again more apt to play the role of Malathi takes her father's side and says she ought not to have done that.

And you, a parent and a grand parent, could have comfortably taken the father's side. But you have taken Malathi's side and vehemently so. I bow down to your stand on Malathi.

Arguments apart all these show the love you have for your children and grandchildren and the love those youngsters, Preethi, Usha et al, have for their parents. I am very happy and proud to be in the midst of such a group.
Another pertinent observation which only you can make; you have guessed the period of the story with the names of characters. If my work were anyday worth doing research upon, you would be the first person to get a doctorate.

What you have told about Malathi and her heart is 100% right. And I would just request the younger opponents to read your post again and again to understand Malathi's character.

regards,
sridhar
PS: Now a response to your interesting PS. May be in your days it was fashionable to enter the bridal chamber in a beautiful lingerie. But in my days and in the place where I live, the old fashion was still there. The bride fully clad in a beautiful Mysore Silk saree with a "pal chombu" is acid-etched in my memory.
Now honestly, I would rather prefer the "pal chombu" attire on the wedding night. Lingeries, negligees should come much later when the couple have understood each other better.