Sweeter life through compromise !

Dear Chithra Aunty,
I have a scenario here. I need your suggestion to compromise/solve it at the best possible way.

We have a family friend now,that I know her as my husband's friend "M". In fact she is the only person who speaks my regional language in our area. We have been friends for the last 2 years. We help each other whenever needed. Sometimes she stop by at my home when she has some free time. I don't have a car now so I never went there house without my husband.
Also I am the only person she is in contact in our area though they have been living here for years. They have many indian neighbors , but they don't talk each other because she had different issues with each them in the past, specially with one woman, who happens to be a good friend of ours, again thru my husband, Those couple are extremely nice to us and treat us like their youngest brother and sister. But "M" does not like me mingling with them and she often mentions it in her talk, talking negative things about them is one of the main topic in our conversation. She is not liking that fact that I am not supporting her in this negative talk. Also
Recently I have been sick for a couple of weeks.One day she called and invited us for dinner. I told that I am not feeling well, if I am okay we will come over. I was severly sick, so we called them and told that we can't come. Next day early morning she came to our house, i was still bed not feeling well. It seems she rang the bell, I did not hear honestly. Later in the afternoon we found she left note and some boxes(we used to send food each other) saying to return her boxes. My Dh went and returned, immediately she called me back and started screaming at me saying that I don't like to go their house, you have this people and that people etc. Phone was on speaker. My DH came back hearing all these. I just told her that i was not feeling well and you should have called us over the phone when you came to our house.Usually none comes home here without calling except our neighbors here. After this, a few days later I have called her and tried to make things okay. When I felt a little bit better I made dinner for all of us and visited them.

Another incident also had happened before. I went to their house helping her with something. Her son dropped something. That thing was close to the place where I was sitting. She shouted at me for that incident. She said I should have been careful. I told my DH about this incident. He said "you know her character ,she is like that, no one in the neighborhood talks with her, if she is your friend better you learn to adjust ". So I tried to adjust.
Another incident happend recently for which she shouted to me in front of her hubby, (Her son had a program in school, I went with her to watch the program with my little one, it took 2-3 hours) Before leaving she just told my husband that "C", that's me, is going to come to her house after the program. Later I told her my son takes a nap at that time, so I won't be able to go their house after the program and we shall come other weekend. While coming back she started doing the same thing. I feel bad about her hubby, he had to try hard to stop her. He is a doctor. She does not talk with any of her colleagues or their family. I do not know what the issues are. Another thing we have a program coming up, "M" said she is not going to come because they did not allow his son to do some program.
I am thinking is it worth to keep a friendship like this. My DH said it is upto me. I am confused. Otherwise if everything is okay she is nice etc. But to me I lost trust in her and her unpredictable character. What kind of compromise would you suggest here?

(I know this is a long post, I needed some opinion here as I don't want to tell this to anyone she knows)

 

Dear cheerful,
Obviously as said by your hubby it is upto you whether you can take it or not.
1) If you can take it just tolerate her as the other side of her is nice
2) You can be on talking terms but keep at arms length, no social visits
3) If she is open to suggestion, one day at the right time tell her how she hurts others by her behaviour, may be she will not accept it , but the seed is sown in her. She may reflect and try to change herself
4) Or like kids quarrel and be friends again, for this you need the innocence of a kid
5) You can always tolerate her (thinking like if your own sister behaves in the same way)

May God bless you, do not worry abt all these ,life has more to offer than worrying abt frivious matters.
Jaya

 

Dear Jaya,
Thank you for your patience to go thru my long post. I think now it has become easy to choose from the options that you have given here.
I really liked all suggestions that you have given. Each time after her screaming I go and talk to her as if nothing has happened thinking that she is my older sister (8 yrs older than me,).Somehow i didn't feel of doing the same thing this time. So I am going to choose (3). If she did not like it, I think that would be the end of our friendship(she wud probably won't talk anymore). Because now that, I feel this is how everybody else in our area has stopped talking to her. I shall update you on this. But I am not sure when I am going to get a suitable time to talk to her.
Thank you again
Cheerful

 

Dear Chitra Aunty,
Thank you so much.
You are right this has caused so much mental strain on me , not only once, many times. Since I know her through my husband, i thought of keeping it initially. Had I been known to her from my work or collage, i would have stayed away long back itself. I have some close friends, we have been friends for several years, never had any problems like this.

"Just allow her to be however she wants". I understand what you are saying. If she brings up this subject ever again , I am thinking of telling her it hurts people as Jaya suggested . So far I have never said anything to her about any of these.

I shall be pleasant and nice to her and I will not approach her from my side.I really do not want to tell her anything that makes me guilty or hurts her. At the same time I wish it would be nice she ever learns to respect people. We like their kids very much and their kids are happy if we go and watch their school programs or any of their performances .I will miss the kids.
Thank you Chithra Aunty again.
Cheerful.

 

Dear Mami, As always ..a thought provoking blog from you.
I would like to quote here, something that I read sometime back...
"Compromise is a negotiation, that we give up something that we want/have, to get something else, that we want more "..this way we strike a little balance.

 

Dear Chith

You always choose great titles that bring many readers to your blogs and this one is a perfect example.....Compromise - a term which can be a very handy word for most of the problems but when it comes to putting it into practise i feel it becomes lot more tuffer !!! Every stage in life s you have written we definitely have to lose and compromise on something if we have to gain something.....But all said and done we should really value the gain that we get when we compromise for something....Tht would make the compromise we did worthy because i feel lot of us make compromises for achieving material tings more than for human psentiments and relationships!!

lov
sowmi