Suggestions pls

Dear Nivitha

I have seen this kind of problems in movie not in real life but ur life seems to be tragedy.....I just dont have any words to console u dear...i can understand the pain u are suffering from.....

I read romeo postings to u and other friends...iam not try ti spoil ur realationship this is purely a suggestion.....u have struggled for past 3 yrs without even getting any kind of pleasure neither mentally nor physically. Its the rite time to take decision so please do it.

If u love him so much then immediately go for a counselling....try to check his diary and get some of his frinds or check his mobile and find out with whom he is talking for hrs....cal him and speak to him as if u r from some agency and would like to meet him in person...once u meet him then talk with him properly and get his advice or wat ever info u want.

Then decide whether the probs could be solved or not if not then say gud bye to him afterall we all are human beings and we too need to think about our future......come back to india settle urself and definitely get married to a gud person and fulfil al ur dreams.

Dear plz dont delay... dont get caught by your hubby's honey dipped words. and do remember to write a letter to family member and post it. its for ur safety.
Take care of ur health.....
Please respond to this......

regads
nithu

 

Dear Nivitha,

I am editing certain things in my original post because I failed to notice that it is an old thread.
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I am sad and shocked to read your story. You are a brave and persevering girl! Sadly, stuck up in this meddle. How have you fared now that you would have probably finished your project (March 31st deadline, isnt it?) I have read your entire story and am going to suggest some things. Please understand that I am doing it in the best interest and dont feel offended. In case you are still with your husband, my post would make sense to you. If you have already decided to quit, dont read my post.

Nivitha, the first thing I noticed is that your husband takes you for granted in several issues ranging from cooking to divorce. But that blame also falls on you, partly. Because, you have not been standing firm. You have threatened him with divorce at least 2 times and didnt carry it out. Result: he feels he can convince you with sweet words and deeds and that is what he is exactly doing now. I fear his sweetness would have decreased after March 31st (which looks like the deadline for you staying back/leaving). You are giving him the space to behave like this, Nivitha.

Second, any married woman would be really frustrated with an empty sexual life for 3+ years. I appreciate you for your patience with him and your sincere attempts to correct this problem.

Third, your husband looks like a silly person, not willing to co-operate or be serious about a happy life and children. What does he think of having children? Have you spoken to him about this?

Fourth, I am afraid you are mixing up things. You are really confused and seem to desperately look for loopholes in your husband's behavior to satisfy yourself of your decision to separate, Nivitha. Sorry if I sound harsh, but from your posts, I understand 2 things: that you love your husband deeply and that the absence of intimacy is the root cause of your frustration. So, look at things from a different perspective. (I dont condemn separation, but) I think fights like why-did-you-specify-your-bank-account-for-the-refund should not be the basis for divorce. i agree that it is one example of his irrational behavior, but, please let me tell you that such fights and arguments happen in most of our lives. It has happened in my life too and we had the option of divorce but that didnt happen, thankfully. Your husband calling his parents daily irritates you no end, I am sure. So do several other husbands, incl mine. (I dont say that that is right, but then, dont take it as a BIG issue). Does your husband mistreat you after speaking to his parents? If not, leave that issue for now. The same thing for financial problems.

That said, physical abuse and denial after arousal are sadistic things which I dont support. Many men like to tease women, and I feel you husband overdoes it grossly. You must show that you are a firm and mature woman, Nivitha. You must make him change his opinion of you. How to do that? In the way you talk, you move about, you behave. Dont let out loose talk, dont cry, dont seek his attention, dont ask his opinion, show maturity in the way you speak to others (friends), show maturity in the way you handle money, take on additional responsibilities and make him notice! You love your husband and I know how difficult it would be for you to sort of neglect him like this, but then, you must try.

For some time, put aside fights and bad-mouthing by in-laws and treatment meted out to your parents. They are all tertiary issues, though they cause you much agony. If your husband changes for the good, you can live without much interaction with these people, right?

From your praise list of your husband, let me tell you, he doesnt look like a hard-core bad guy. He does have several good qualities, which many men dont. He also seems to have a soft corner for you, doesnt he? You have written several times in this thread that you love him. Then, why have all your attempts failed? Why dont you try to do something, put in some effort, that is drastically different?

I feel physical intimacy is the main problem in your life. Once that is set right, other problems will not seem so serious. Your expectations about bonding are all real and normal, dear. Dont let other issues spoil your life.

Stop showing interest in intimacy. Tell him that you fully understand his problem and have decided to help him. It is important for him to develop confidence in you, Nivitha. Dont talk about doctors or treatments first. Nivitha, have you ever though of adoption? Tell him that you want to raise a child at any cost and tell him that you want to adopt someone. I know, this is a difficult thing to do at this juncture. But, your husband might feel relieved of the pressure to perform when you say you love him but want a child and so are going to adopt. Try it and see what he says.

Once peace comes into both your lives, intimacy would also come in. Once you become emotionally intimate, you can talk to him about physical intimacy and approach the doctor.

You have over a month's time now. Please think it over and try these tactics if you have some more patience. I have given some advice but am not sure how far that is feasible. It is your life and you must do what suits you.

My last suggestion: counselor. A really good one can set your life right. You have put in much effort, so dont leave this stone unturned.

I pray for you. Good luck! thumbsup:cheers
Sandhya

 

Dear Nivitha,
I hope your problems at work get sorted out smoothly. It is nice that you are both in India... probably things will change for the good.

I can understand your frustration. I think your husband is acting childish; he doesnt want to listen to you because he thinks he knows better (because you are younger or because you are a woman). Some men (and women, for that matter) are like that. They think they know what is right and dont lend a ear to what other people have to say. Or may be he is the stereotyping type... he has formed an opinion of you and feels that whatever you say isnt right. To erase this wrong opinion, the only thing you can do is wait and show him by your deeds that you arent wrong always. Any amount of convincing wouldn't work, Nivitha. You must create opportunities around you where people come to you for advice and get their problems sorted. Try joining as a volunteer at some group and keep telling him the day's events, how you fared, how people look up to you, etc. If he knows that you visit IndusLadies, tell him how you advise your friends here, and how they accept it and things turn good, etc. And how you find good advice for your own life from here, people's experiences, etc. May be once he knows that what you say isnt your own idea, but what other people have done and succeeded, he might give it a try. Watch his reaction and at the right moment, try suggesting solutions for your own life. All this will take a long time.

Somehow he doesnt feel obliged to you. That is the saddest part. He doesnt realise how much you are sacrificing... have you any idea why he took the anti-depressants? Is he still under medication? May be that is affecting his hormones. I hesitate to suggest this - do you know if there is any other girl in whom he was interested before marriage, and rejection by her is why he took the anti-depressants? That could explain why he isnt interested in developing intimacy with you, but however feels you shouldn't separate, because, well, he has married you. Try speaking to his close friends or brother/cousin about this.

Good luck! Take care.
Sandhya

 

Sorry to be blunt here -

1. Your husband is not normal - he is either Gay or mentally unstable.
2. Your reasons on why you think he is a good person is really nothing to do with a "good husband". Looks like he is scared of getting divorced - may be afraid of society or knows deep down he is not normal and you are his best chance right now. So he is trying to behave like a good person.
3. I don't think anything will come out of this wedding - pls take the bold step of getting out of it while you are still young, sane and energetic.
4. I know the word divorce is scary and married women use it only as a last resort - but being single & at peace (may not be happy) is better than being married and hassled through and through