Suggestions pls

I have been married for almost 3 years now.Right from the day one of marriage, we were struggling hard with intercourse. Before marriage, he took some depression tablets which reduced his sex drive. I didnt know all these for the first 6 months of marriage. I was just thinking whats wrong in him and why is he not showing any initmacy towards me. Then later on after couple of discussions and frustations he came out with this. Though I was shocked, I thght as days goes on, he might put interest in me, if I show love and care to him. But though I showed it, he wasnt spenidng time with me. Rather he was deviating frm me, by making calls to his parents. He was so attached to them, he used to talk to them for hours during weekends. My only aim was to make him spend lot of time with me so that he gets seduced. Whenever I explained this he and his parents took it negatively that I m trying to separate them or so. I gave him lots of options, as fix a time and talk to them or, call on friday nights, so that we will have weekends in hand. But he denied on whatever I said, and reacted towards me in a way where I started to feel, that he is trying to dominate me or make me emotinally sick. All this created lof of issues with inlaws too where in they started to bad mouth like is she a girl, she is talking about sex openly. what a family are they. they started to say bad waords to my dad and called them and shouted at him. My dad was a patient who just underwent bypass surgery. without that concern too they shouted on him.

I was much aware and felt the importance of such physical connection which would lead to proper understanding, respect and love. After almost 1.5 years of marriage I started to communicate this to his parents with a good intention, if they could help us, by advicing their son to go to some doctors and get it checked or so. I behaved as a proper daugter in law in so many occasions. They asked me to lie to their relatives saying that we are in india and not in US, Also I m not working and I m a house wife. I did everything and told lies as per their needs. When my dad was undergoing bypass, they said not to go to india. I agreed on it and stayed with him. Never ever have I questioned him for giving money to his parents. Even once I said, deposit some money for his sister. But they didnt recognise me. After all this, I believed him, loved him, cared him and showed all I can. He never supported me in all these situations infront of his parents. He always knods his head whenever he spoke to his parents. I confessed to him that, I m losing the respect towards him as a man, bos he never shows that manly character in any occasions. I also said, that these days I couldnt accept him as a man. But he shouts at me when these discussions happen, and there has been many situations where he has physically abused.

He insulted me infront of his younger brother who is a bachelor, and infront of our friends as well. Just like that he will give some lose talks, which would be irrelvant. One such recent situation was I cooked food for all the 4 days in a week, and one day I gave a frozen item, and for which when we were in the midst of friends, he said that he is used to frozen always. Though the words are abrupt, it hurts me a lot. I felt as if he means to everyone, that I dont cook at all and as if he is been given frozen foods daily. I m not sure, if my way of looking at it was wrong? He argued with me saying that he is right and he said it very casually and he cannot do anyting if it has hurted me.

In these 3 years of married life, never ever has he praised me or appreciated me infront of anyone. He would validate that by saying, he does at the back of me, and he doesnt want to infront of me. How do I believe that.Bos of this loose talks, many have misunderstood me and my character.But whatever he says might not be true abt me as such. I explained him saying with how other couples/friends behave infront of us. At that moment, he would say ok ok I understand, but things would again repeat with a day or two.Even incase if I have made a mistake, isnt it his responsibility to seek those privacy within us and to discuss within ourselves and solve it rather than pointing infront of someone.


Next thing he would lie a lot. He goes to office and make calls to his parents and friends. but he will never ever open to me. As of now, he has'nt introduced me to his friends. He never discuss any of his family matters, and the reason he gives me he is not feeling comfortable in sharing. I said if fo, then I will never join u for any moments in ur family bos I also dont feel comfortable enough without knowing any happening over there.

We dont have any common bank accounts. We dont share finances of each other.He never plan to take me somehwere. Always life ends in grocery store and cooking.Nor does he gives me some flowers or gifts or something pleasant. Even if I present him, it will go to some corners of the room.

I went to india, last june at a point where I couldnt tolerate it.I stayed there, and I started working in India. He used to call me daily, and said some promises, and that he will not call his parents for 3 months, and that he will fully try with me on his fullest to have a kid which will solve the problem to some level. His parents also called me and my dad and again bad mouthed very badly. When I share those with him, he will say it is bos of the stress thinking about their sons life, they behave so and not with any intention. I have felt his parents see my role as a free chef for their son and to earn some money. They used to comment "oh my son will suffer without proper food and is this for, he married u ".They also have a daughter, I dont know how could they react so badly without ever considering my situation.Can they digest, if the same situation happens for their daughter.Its a well known fact that their son has helped them financially a lot, they do keep saying,they havent got even ten paise 4rm their son, which would irritate me to the core. I will feel how cheap they behave and its the same character which he has, in insulting me inspite of me doing so many.
He used to call me day and night, and cared for me a lot. Out of that, I again broke out of my strong character, and believed him and came back again in the month of November taking a long vacation in office. My mom and dad were against me syaing not to go back. I didnt listen though. But within a week itself, he proved that what he gave was a false promise. He called his parents the week next I came. Again started calling from office the same way as before and will talk to them for hours. I really couldnt digest the fact that again I have been cheated once again with false statements. That really made me worse and violent.
As like before he is very reluctant towards the try to have the physical intimcay. Whenever I get the mood, he will drive me till bed, and just give me a kick at the back and tries to get me out of my mood.
Bos of this my hormones are getting affected and I m putting on weight.
I had this ealrier as well, and I tuk some medications and got my health set. I did lot of excerise and reduced my weight in india. Now again I m putting on..
I feel some changes from his side, but its not satisfying though. Now he doesnt call his friends much. He stays back with me most of the time. But then this makes me feel tortured. While cooking he will just come and laugh at me,without a reason.I felt insulted again and I would become violent.I broke out some things at home.Whenever I talk about kids, he will not mind, he will deviate from the topic. and when i cry thinking all the issues, he will keep smiling and he will say just to make me light. He dosent even bother to take some initiative to get things right. He enjoys watching tv, commedy time, which makes me feel, is he really bothering abt the life,and how could be like that without any emotion or a feeling that life is not going smooth and expected.
Then if I go to bed, he will come there at the back of me and keep troubling me for a while. He will not do anything, but then he will arouse me and my mood, and then once I start enjoying the same, he will drop off and sleep. So I started to avoid him, and asked him to go and sleep in the living room.

I know he loves me a lot, but the problem is in the way he shows that, and in the way i catch up. How much I tried to adjust and forget all those, I couldnt.Now, I got a job here in US. I started working. My contract will end in 2 months. The company which I joined in india is also calling me back.
I m confused, whether to go back or stay here. If I go to India, I cannot come back for sure. I cant face my parents nor sisters, in this situation, bos I just ignored their statements and said, I will give a try and came. My in laws and me are like enemies to the core. I dont talk to them, and they dont call or enquire about me as well. I dont respect him at all.
These days he tolerates my words a lot.Though I dont go to him and say it, I get violent only when he pushes me hard with some words or his action.Again and again he would push me to talk about all these which makes me to add fuel to my own mind and action.
Many a times I tried for divorce, but then he will pull me into this again saying we got married, we are bonded, we will work hard and be the best.I dont know, is it bos of the love, or is it bos of his sweet way of saying I would fall back.


I have also seen that when I m not there, he would miss me a lot, when I m there he would take and my feelings for granted. I dont know what to do and how to manage at this point in time. It is affecting me a lot. I feel very lonely and helpless.

I lost my carrer, my parents, my sisters, my dreams of having a kid here, my love, my character of being calm and many more.

Please give me some suggestions and let me know atleast if anyone could understand my position better.I have lots to say and open situation wise, but I could only make a rough picture on what exactly it is.

 

Thanks for all your time for me and care.

Before I decide on the other side of the corssroad, I really wanted to get your advice once again, if there would be a ny loop hole, through which I can get in to make this marriage a success.. Bos he never wanted a separation from me. He always come back towards me and say he loves me a lot, but something or the other in him drives him to react so.


Sometimes I think about the positives of him, which drives me back to think again and again why not try more to straigten this relation

1. He never drinks/never goes out without me. Never spend money unnecessarily.
2. he never stops me from helping my dad financially. But I m sure that will bomb out, once the need for money comes in between us.
3. He helps me in cooking, he has never demanded me or ordered me to cook anything for his choice. Even while shopping, he leaves it to my choice. Initially, he was so stingy, but later on he changed his attitude towards each penny and now he understood, that neither i do spend for unnecessary stuffs.
4. After this trip, he never forces me to call his parents. He wuld call and talk to them. Thats it.. But I m sure, this is only for time being. the moment he proves him physically, he will stand up for everything and demand from me, without minding that his parents have never ever bothered for me.
5. Even while watching tv, he never tries to show his prefernece or to force for the same. He would watch whatever I prefer.
6. Sometimes, I intentionally sit cool without doing anything at home. How much ever unneat the home is he will never question me, or ask why it is not arranged, neither does he do it as well. I feel this has a mix of positive and negative attitude as well.

I know, I shouldnt spoil my own diginity, and respect by again and again stepping towards him. But I believe in God, and I strongly believe that if we had the same problem, and someone has rejected me how bad it would be. So sometimes I do think to help him come out of the problems..

Only issue is I tried my best to explain to make him understand, and I couldnt be patient these days when things get repeated again and again inspite of my supportive hand.

Thanks once again

 

Like to give you all one more information, that, yes we went to an Ayurvedic doctor, and he is taking some medications. But since it is ayurvedic it might take a long time. He was not interested in English medicine since it was causing lot of side effects. He took viagra and cialis for some time, but they created chest pain and headache so we consulted ayurveda, just one month back.